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Dating bad idea....separation sure.

Had a long talk with WW last night. She understand that even though she's doing all of the things I've needed her to do it's not helping me to trust her still. She's read a few books that also mentioned separation being an alternative option. So once the house sells, we are each getting our own place. We can scrap our current relationship agreement and create a new separation agreement. I've listened to everyone here and do agree that dating is not a good idea during this time.

I think getting your own place is a fantastic idea. Like you, I also find 3.5 years of cheating and lying and deceiving you every single day is atrocious. How does one even have 'remorse' after doing that for 3.5 years straight?

I think you're making a very smart move.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for the support. Now I guess it's all about planning the logistics and creating a new relationship agreement. The funny thing was we just went furniture shopping last weekend and bought a leather couch and recliner. I guess we now get to figure out who gets what.

Anyone who has been through a separation is welcome to offer suggestions. I'm curious how this has worked for others in similar situations.

Just split everything 50/50.

I kept the leather couch. X got the nice new king size bed, so I got the old, lumpy cheap queen bed. She got one TV, I got one TV. She got a car, I got a car. Everything else is fairly minor.

New Relationship Agreement is "nunya" as in None of your business.

We haven’t separated yet but I’m not letting him take much. I’ve gotten most of it. I’ve got the credit card bills to prove it. He has said he’d take the computer and his tv and his chest and his guy stuff but everything in the house...mine

split everything 50/50? I mean she can have whatever furniture and stuff she wants. I already let her start selling stuff around the house and keeping the cash. Sold the dining room set last week. I'm getting the full proceeds of the sale of the house so I can just buy whatever I need. My car is paid off, hers isn't. At least all of our CC are already in each others' names. I'm trying to make this as equitable as possible and to make sure we both are able to cover the expenses of the new living arrangements. It should be fine, we both make over 60k so living single won't be a huge financial burden.

Remember you are still married. Whatever assets is yours is also hers and vice versa. That includes your debt, her debt and even your 401k. Your name vs her name doesn't matter.

So what you're saying is that I should get a D before my cryptocurrency portfolio makes me rich, lol?

The bottom line is, Skins, your wife gave the sex coming to you during all of those four years to another guy. That is a transgression that is beyond repairable. Sorry, but what the fuck was she thinking? One only hopes when the dust clears that you have a nice relationship and her true colors show through and no man will ever want her again, except lowlifes that want pussy and nothing else.

I am going to chime in with my tale. I had the original affair, and my wife got revenge. Until that time, I had not felt the same pain that she did. Yes she wrecked my world in other ways and I got back at her similarly, but the greatest pain was that of her giving it away, just like I did. Skins, you need to get a new relationship with a new woman. You will be surprised how fast your wife begins to dim in your rear-view mirror when you realize that this new woman is with you and NOBODY ELSE.

Your ex cannot say that to you. She is USED GOODS. She knows that she is someone's whore. Very few men are good with being married to someone else's whore. She knows that, and I would not hesitate to remind her of that fact, as I am stepping out the door and into the arms of a good woman.

Right now, she lives in fear that the marriage is over and it is all her fault. Well it is! And if the fates are kind, you will find a better woman, ten times better than your wife. And your wife can be on the outside looking in. I believe in Newtonian laws, for every action there is an opposite reaction.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 12:24 PM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

So what you're saying is that I should get a D before my cryptocurrency portfolio makes me rich, lol?

Not necessarily but you SHOULD go see a lawyer in your area and figure out what the laws in your state say. They can tell you what the courts will require you to split no matter what and what she can waive. Her giving you the proceeds from the home sale needs to be documented. You are still married and in most states that means half or your shit is hers and vice versa. you need to get a property settlement agreement started or at least think about it with your lawyer if D is on the horizon for you. I lucked out and XWW didn't want half of my 401k or pension. I was REQUIRED to split the brokerage account that i funded over the years.

Protect yourself is all we are saying. At a minimum document everything. D can go smooth but it can also be a pain in the ass.

Agree with Crazymixedup here.

Four years is a long fucking time to lie to someone and live a duplicitous life. Worse it was the majority of your marriage. And it may be hard now to picture life without her, but a few months on your own and you will be amazed at how quick you move on. If you are decent looking and make a decent income, you won't be looking very long unless you just want to... and that's fine too.

My ex moved out in November last year, I weathered the holidays and by January I met the woman I've been with since. What can I say I'm a relationship guy. Completely opposite of XW in all positive ways. I always had a sneaking suspicion that my X could cheat on me, this one I really couldn't imagine it.

There are so many good women out there, why waste a lifetime with a cheater. At best you will get a reformed cheater after years of IC, MC, gut wrenching talks and inner dialogues telling you to run. But in the end, it will always be there that she still cheated on you, hid it from you for 3.5 years and could very well do it again and all you have to go by is she's done the work, so its different this time. Or you can make a clean break and get another woman without the cheating baggage and not be worried playing Pussy Police for the rest of your life.

Your choice.

I see what you are all saying. That's the part I cannot move past. My love language is physical touch and that's what she denied me for years and gave to OM all the time. I just can't forgive her for that, not that I've ever been a forgiving person anyways.

I'm good looking but could stand to lose 20lbs more. I'm healthy, have a great job and live in FL. Not the worst situation. I'm just not a people person so I have trouble making friends and meeting women. That's going to be a really big change for me.

I do have some student loans I'm paying off but other than that I'm financially stable, especially after the house sells.

I'm good looking but could stand to lose 20lbs more. I'm healthy, have a great job and live in FL. Not the worst situation.

So, first off, get a gym membership. I'm about 20 lbs overweight too, but having muscles hides it. I'm decent looking, I don't have 3 heads or anything, but nothing special.

I'm just not a people person so I have trouble making friends and meeting women. That's going to be a really big change for me.

I pretty much hate all people and have no friends. I still found a woman within 3 months. All you need is Facebook and you can create a Tinder profile. Send a few texts back and forth on the app and ask them for their phone number. No marathon texting. And then once you have their number, ask them out. That easy.

You are fine.

just a friendly reminder:

As long as you are married you are tied to each other financially. She can tank your credit...borrow $$$ that you could be on the hook for, etc. I just want to make sure you've considered that, or at least talked to your lawyer about that.

Well this certainly escalated quickly. I started texting WW at work and just basically told her I now want to make the separation permanent once we sell. I probably could have waited to have this conversation but I just get too emotional about this stuff.

So, how did that go skins?

So, how did that go skins?

She went into full desperation mode. I'll read the books, arrange a 3some, take you that place you wanted to go, take you to all of the places I went with AP, whatever I want.

I explained to her that our window of starting a family is quickly closing. I would need to wait another 2-5 years to at a place where I could mentally/emotionally even consider having a kid and by that time it's too late plus I don't know if she would be a good mom after what I know about her character now. Why/how would/could I trust her to have my children now?

When I got home we had a conversation about it again. I just don't feel the same about her anymore and am not sure I really want to wait 2-5 years for me to only be OK but still be thinking about AP and her 20 times a day for the rest of my life. We just left the conversation as we are getting separate apartments once the house sells and if I want a D we can do that whenever I want.

It just seem so much easier to put this mess behind me and start over. That way I can dump her and any related thoughts about her and what's she done completely from my memory. If she's not around I will stop thinking about it. Yes, I will probably be lonely and depressed for a period time while I mourn the death of my M but I think I can recover more quickly that way.

I'd say I'm sorry, but I think you made the best choice in your situation. I agree with you on the kids part. I hear of people that conceive shortly after dday, I guess as a way to sort of reconnect. Then it all goes to shit but with another mouth to feed. Its just one giant facepalm. I know I would never feel safe starting a family with a cheater.

You don't have to file for D right away. When my wife moved out, I knew that I'd be divorcing her. But I still waited 3 or 4 months just for the holidays and work stuff to blow over. By the time I actually filed in February, it was just a business transaction by then.

There are plenty of women in your age range that still want marriage/children and can remain faithful. Grieve a little, you can have fun but probably shouldn't date anyone seriously until you reach that indifference stage with her. Its only fair to the other person.

So what you're saying is that I should get a D before my cryptocurrency portfolio makes me rich, lol?

You don't need to divorce right away, but you do need to file for legal separation. Once filed she cannot harm your credit if she racks up CC bills or defaults on a loan, nor can she use your credit to secure a loan.