SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I kicked my WW out after DDay with the intent of divorcing her. I filed for divorce and she went to stay with her parents.

We eventually got back together, but I can say that not having her around for over a half year did give me a rest from the triggers and allowed me to heal without worrying about meeting her needs.

Now in our case, she had her parents there to watch her and keep her in line. I didn't have to worry much about her starting things back up with her AP, and her parents would have told me right away if she had and most likely would have kicked her out.

I think what you are suggesting is going to end in disaster. If you tell her she can date, she will date, and she will land five times as many male and female sex partners as you will. You will be starting off at a complete disadvantage. Women don't have to work hard at all to find men willing to fuck them.

I say divorce. Don't separate. You either stay with her and work on the problems or get divorced, because you won't be able to trust her apart from you.

Would you be telling this potential OW that you were only using her to boost your self esteem?

That's the thing, it's not my intention to use anyone for anything. It's definitely something I wouldn't pursue as dating is the least important thing on my list. It's just something I'm open to and have never done before should the opportunity arise.

I was miserable for the past 4 years of marriage and I thought I was just stuck in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life because my WW had medical/mental issues. I would hope that regaining self-esteem/confidence would return as an indirect result of a new healthy relationship.

If you have some better ideas or ways of improving self-confidence/esteem after betrayal I would also be open to those suggestions.

I think what you are suggesting is going to end in disaster. If you tell her she can date, she will date, and she will land five times as many male and female sex partners as you will. You will be starting off at a complete disadvantage. Women don't have to work hard at all to find men willing to fuck them.

If we separate and she chooses to use the time to fuck around and be a ho then R was never really an option anyways. I would hope she would use that time for self-reflection and self-improvement as well. Otherwise she didn't learn a damn thing and isn't worth reinvesting in.

I mostly just want to see what life would be like on my own as I've never lived by myself before. All I do know is that she is a constant reminder of all of the emotional trauma that I'm left dealing with every hour of every day.

I don't think I can ever trust her again or completely let go of the past.

That's the problem, its always there and always will be. Sometimes, if you have kids, you can kind of get past it, for the sake of keeping your family together and if you are older, not losing half your wealth is a perk.

But, you are young, your earning power is not even tapped into yet. You have no kids, so you can have a clean break. No custody papers, no suffering through all the step parent bullshit, no struggling financially as a single parent.

And even better, you can find someone new and better, without all the baggage, someone that is capable of loving you without stabbing you in the back.

Your wife maybe doing the right things now, but you never know what will happen after things settle down and go back to normal. You know, after she kind of dodged the bullet and has a little more rope to hang herself with. And by then, you may have kids in the picture...

If I were you, I'd take those 6-12 months to detach and kind of weigh your options. Maybe you still want her after, maybe you just realize the future is too bright to waste on a cheater. I think you may likely find its more of the latter.

If I were you, I'd take those 6-12 months to detach and kind of weigh your options. Maybe you still want her after, maybe you just realize the future is too bright to waste on a cheater. I think you may likely find its more of the latter.

I'm leaning towards this. My only concern is that by us having separate places that is more costly than just living together until I plan my exit. Right now we've changed the bills so that she is paying most of them. My car is paid off so I'm able to save $$$ now which is nice.

My WH and I are currently separated. It was the last thing I wanted at first. He's the type that can disengage easily and my fear in his moving out was he would acclimate to the single life quickly. But we were in false R and he was living as nothing happened. Not good in that he was still selfish and drinking way too much AND contacting OW "as a friend".

Separation scared me because I feared he would start up with her again. Well he did anyway while we were under one roof! That's a long way of saying if you are going to R it will be whether you separate or not. I myself think being separated has helped me see how bad our marriage was and how completely selfish WH is. We will not be getting back together and I am ok with that. Sad - sure. But knowing that being on my own (with 3 kids) is not as scary as I thought is a relief. It's better than wondering what is going to happen next with WH on a daily basis.

WH at first was Mr Happy being alone. Not so much now. He wants to date me and talks about moving back in. I feel bad for him a little - not much. He sees what he is losing and he's scared. The tables have turned. But I don't trust him and never will - not with my heart. He's proven over and over again that our marriage is not a safe place for me. He had to admit that he still was speaking with OW a few weeks ago and has sworn it's over now - right! DD was 10 months ago. Don't see that changing anytime soon.

I say separate to see how YOU are. Set boundaries and agree on what it will look like. For example - we had a strict no dating rule. That got broken with contacting her in my opinion. But guess what - he was doing it anyway so now that I see it was inevitable, My space is a good space. I'm much more content with where I am and where I'm heading. Before we separated, this road terrified me.

I hope that all made sense. I wish you the best. Take care of YOU!

[This message edited by thishurts123 at 6:48 AM, December 12th (Tuesday)]

I really appreciate the response thishurts123. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. It sounds like you found your inner strength and did what you thought was right for you and your kids.

Like you, I don't know if I could ever trust giving my heart to her ever again. What kind of relationship is that?

Even if getting separate apartments does cost more and we both have to get new furniture it seems like the best option given my circumstances. I want her to see what life is like without me and I don't think I can fully heal with her around me all the time.

Even if getting separate apartments does cost more and we both have to get new furniture it seems like the best option given my circumstances. I want her to see what life is like without me and I don't think I can fully heal with her around me all the time.

Definately. She is the source of your pain. People talk of triggers here, the biggest trigger they overlook is their own spouse. I know once my X moved out, I felt a shit ton better, and wasn't too long before out of sight/out of mind. I'm a little pro-divorce in situations like yours I admit, there just seems to be so many hurdles in R, that the ability to make a clean break is so appealing. Its easy to find someone new to love, its hard work to rebuild a marriage after an Affair. Just sayin.

Do you understand the word "2x4" as its' used here? Please stand still. I'm going to be swinging one. I usually don't. I'm aiming for your shoulder, but I'm not very good at it, so I might hit you in the head.

It might help me to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem. It might also help give me some perspective of how my WW felt.

It would be better for you to work on your self-esteem without the help of someone else. If you need someone else for your self-esteem, well then it's not "Self" esteem. It's "other" esteem.

And the other thing about getting the WW perspective is just wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I would suggest you want out. If I'm reading this correctly, you would like to keep your WW around for a plan B. But really, you want out of your marriage and the constrictions that you feel from it. You want to go out and see what it's like to have sex with other women. You want the ego kibbles from other women. You want the freedom to walk around in your underwear and fart whenever you want and leave dishes in the sink until you want to do them etc.

That list of things you want to do MBA, etc., are all things you COULD do as you rebuild your Marriage if you chose to go that route. In fact, you SHOULD do those things. (besides the dating. - which you will not convince many people around here is a good idea while you are married.)

It just looks to me like you're looking for reasons to get divorced. If you're done, you're done. File the papers and be done. Don't do it so you can R later. Don't do it to punish her. Do it because you don't want to be married to her.

“Daniel-san, (skins21) must talk. Walk on road. Walk right side, safe. Walk left side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later, [makes squish gesture] get squish, just like grape. Here karate, (marriage) same thing. Either you karate (Marriage) do, yes, or karate (Marriage) do, no. You karate (Marriage) do, guess so, [makes squish gesture] just like grape.” --- Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid

I would hope that regaining self-esteem/confidence would return as an indirect result of a new healthy relationship.

No. No. No. You have to put in the effort to make yourself into someone you like. If there's something about yourself that you don't like, then change it. Go see a shrink to help you change it. It doesn't just happen and it cant' depend on someone else. If you depend on someone else, then what if that relationship fails? You're back to the same place because you're counting on someone else to assign you value.

I want her to see what life is like without me

In most cases, justice doesn't happen the way we want it to. It would be better use of your energy working on yourself than worrying about how she is.

I don't think I can fully heal with her around me all the time.

You can, but it's hard. It will take a long time with or without her.

It just feels like to me, that you're making a lot of excuses. Just stop. Do what you want to do. We support you. No matter what you decide, we're with you. Be honest with yourself. If you were in a loveless/sexless marriage, and you don't want to be with her, then it's ok to get out. If you still want to try to work it out with her and you think she'll have/show the remorse and do the work on herself, then you CAN do that. Both are hard. And again, we're with you either way.

I appreciate the advice and getting hit by a 2x4 doesn't even phase me at this point. Obviously I haven't made up my mind as to what I want to do. I never asked to be in this position and I never imagined my life turning out this way. I do agree with you that I need to value myself and shouldn't be looking for other people to see value in me. I just don't know where to begin to even find what makes me happy or how to rebuild confidence after it's been shattered. WW did say she would pay for IC if I choose to go. I think I should at least try it.

We can get an apartment together once the house sells. That would give me another year of living with her to decide on R or D.

I just don't see how her and I can begin to work on our M when we both need to heal ourselves first. It just seems like that would be easier if we were on our own for some period of time.

Personally I'm leaning towards just scrapping everything and starting over again on my own. It's a little early for a mid-life crisis but that's exactly what this is.

I feel as though I need some time alone for a few reasons.

1. Make new friends - for as long as I've lived in Florida the only friend I had was my WW. I do have lots of family down here so they are basically my social network.

2. Go back to school - Go to grad-school and get an MBA within 2 years.

3. Get some new hobbies and go to the gym more often.

4. Pursue self-happiness without looking for it from anyone else. I need to find out what makes me happy again because nothing I used to find fun is anymore.

5. Dating - I'm not the type to actively pursue the ladies or look for any sort of relationship but if I happen to meet someone during this period of self-improvement then I would consider that a bonus. I would be completely open and honest with anyone about my current situation.

Dude I was with you until number 5. For some of us fear keeps us in dead marriages longer than they should. Not saying yours is but your WW's A might just be a deal breaker for you and for some of us it takes some time to figure that out. I am happily divorced and loving life. One of the reasons I am loving life is I KNOW with absolute certainty that I left every thing on the table when I tried to R with my XWW. BTW she was not remorseful. However the only way I could walk away KNOWING I made the right decision was to be all in for the time was I was there after Dday. I didn't have one foot out the door. Yes, I stayed longer than I should have but for me it's what I needed to make the decision to file.

My point is figure out what you want. The answer is still likely you don't know but if you have had 1 foot out the door the entire time after dday then you definitely will be conflicted. If R was never your plan and you finally realized it that's fine. Divorce your WW.

You stated that your WW and the house were your biggest triggers. The house can be sold but as long as you are M your WW will remain a trigger unless you do the work to resolve that. She can't unfuck OM but you can do the work to unfuck your own head and think straight again. Is it easy, nope, and in that process you may decide to walk away and start over which is fine but having one foot out the door just prolongs the inevitable.

My 2 cents, sell the house and rent a place month to month with your WW until you figure out what you want. Go all in and see what happens. If the thought of that pisses you off or makes you feel weird then leave now. Believe me for those of us who figured out later on that the A was a deal breaker, many of us wish we had left sooner. Number 5 on your list will only confuse shit even further. if you want to date then divorce now get yourself straight mentally and do you. Finish with your M and that relationship completely before moving on. That includes fixing yourself and healing. Otherwise you WILL drag that baggage into EVERY relationship going forward.

No kids = basically a get out of jail free card. Opting for divorce after a 3.5 year affair in a 5 year marriage is also a no brainer. 3 1/2 years is a hell of a lot of lying and betrayal. And you repeatedly concede that you may never trust her again....so how is that fair to YOU?

Go ahead & divorce her...erase this "sham" of a marriage. Once divorced, you can take it from there. You get the time/space you need. You can date. You can always get back together w/ ur wife....divorce doesn't prohibit that. Hell, you can re-marry her. Hell, I often suggest divorcing and re-marrying with a prenup as a condition for R in applicable situations. Either way I'd close the book on THIS marriage based on what you are saying.

Nothing about this whole situation is fair to me. But that's the point right, nothing is fair and there is no justice for the BS. Just let the Karma bus do it's job or whatever.

I suggested getting a D and then maybe remarrying when we were in MC but therapists are totally against that idea. We just need to keep "dating" each other. We have been going on more vacations, nights out and fancy dinners than in our whole relationship and it's not helping me feel any better. I just keep thinking that I shouldn't spend another penny on her because she deserves nothing more from me. She was completely self absorbed focused on her needs for the past 4 years so I think that's what I need to do.

I'm obviously having a tough time being emotionally mature enough to "man up" and stop feeling like shit every day.

I suggested getting a D and then maybe remarrying when we were in MC but therapists are totally against that idea. We just need to keep "dating" each other. We have been going on more vacations, nights out and fancy dinners than in our whole relationship and it's not helping me feel any better. I just keep thinking that I shouldn't spend another penny on her because she deserves nothing more from me. She was completely self absorbed focused on her needs for the past 4 years so I think that's what I need to do.

Well, yea, MC's are going to be against D, because then you'd have no reason to spend money to see them anymore. There also just isn't that many stories of people divorcing and then remarrying each other. Its happens, but seldom. Usually by the time the D goes through, you have detached enough to not really want to revisit that train wreck again.

It sounds like you want some sort of justice. Really, the only justice you can get is divorcing her and then ghosting her. If she still loves you, then that will hit her where it hurts. Its sure isn't going to be had spending money on expensive dinners and vacations. Why are you doing that anyways? Like rewarding her for cheating...

I suggested getting a D and then maybe remarrying when we were in MC but therapists are totally against that idea.

My opinion but most therapists are idiots when it comes to infidelity.

We have been going on more vacations, nights out and fancy dinners than in our whole relationship and it's not helping me feel any better.

No wonder your WW is all in love again.

She was completely self absorbed focused on her needs for the past 4 years so I think that's what I need to do.

go right ahead and do that but if you are done then leave. Go ahead and S and file for D. Nothing wrong with that. If you are done you are done.

I'm obviously having a tough time being emotionally mature enough to "man up" and stop feeling like shit every day.

This has nothing to do with manning up or being emotionally mature. I considered myself to be the manliest of men and my XWW's LTA destroyed me emotionally. I hadn't cried since I was a kid because you know men don't cry and all but after Dday I was waterworks ALL the time. Emotions be damned. Seriously, whether you stay or go you will feel like shit for awhile. It takes time to figure things out. your list you posted (minus #5 imo) is going in the right direction. spend some time figuring out who you are. i spent about a year just being a gym rat. I had so much rage built up that I had no outlet so I would lift weights or run until I was ready to pass out then I got mad again and ran some more. I reconnected with college buddies and spent tons of time with my brother. Do you until you figure out what you want to do.

ETA: the only way out is through. You have to face all the shitty feelings eventually. It sucks but it does get better. Do exactly what you were thinking and Detach from your WW and focus on you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:25 PM, December 12th (Tuesday)]

It sounds like you want some sort of justice. Really, the only justice you can get is divorcing her and then ghosting her. If she still loves you, then that will hit her where it hurts. Its sure isn't going to be had spending money on expensive dinners and vacations. Why are you doing that anyways? Like rewarding her for cheating...

At first we started going out on "dates" because the MC recommended that so we can regain the spark we once had when we met. I am literally trying to do anything to see if we could have a chance at R.After 6 months we mutually agreed to stop going to MC as we didn't see the value in it.

I'm done with it now and I see your point. I've already told her to expect nothing for xmas or her bday. I guess she now knows what our life could have been like if only she had used her words to express her unhappiness to me about whatever wasn't working. She just told me she loved the attention and adoration from OM (who is married with 3 kids and was also sleeping with other married women in the same department). I think she saw it as a "jim and pam" office situation. Makes me sick.

Sorry if this has been asked, but what has/is your wife doing to help you heal from this? You haven't made any mention of any noteworthy efforts/actions on her part. Perhaps this is why you feel so stuck?

Sorry if this has been asked, but what has/is your wife doing to help you heal from this? You haven't made any mention of any noteworthy efforts/actions on her part. Perhaps this is why you feel so stuck?

This hasn't been addressed. After DD and after she returned to work it was a shit show. OM tried to give her a valentines card at work and told her not to tell me. Well my WW did tell me and then I proceeded to tell OBS who called him at work to yell at him 10 minutes later. Apparently everyone in their office already knew anyways so that's why no one was fired. I couldn't deal with her going to work there anymore so I insisted she find a new job.

Since that day she looked for a new job and found a higher paying job within 2 months. She changed her cell #, blocked him on FB, Linked in, twitter ect. and deleted her email. She threw away every note, picture, gift, card and clothes he bought her. Basically any reminder of their relationship. A month later I discovered (while reading her journal) that they had a private Google folder that had many explicit pictures (video of OM masturbating) and love letters. I gave access of that to OBS so she could see everything and then I had my WW delete that too.

WW started taking zoloft 2 months before the A started and it honestly did change her brain chemistry. She completely lost all interest in sculpting (her college major) and just started packing on the lbs. She started taking the meds because of work related stress due to her boss which I knew was an issue. After DD I researched the drug and it's side affects and saw some of the same behavioral issues in my WW (risk taking, becoming emotionless, losing interest in activities...). I helped her wean off the drugs in 2 months and saw a huge improvement in her personality. It was like the person I married was there again. She had that sparkle in her eyes again.

In the months following DD I've done a ton of research, read books and lots of articles and would share all of that information with her. She would read it and we would have weekly discussions.

We have been having a ton of great sex (could just be hysterical bonding still) and she has now done everything she did with OM with me (except have sex in a park). We also do stuff that's unique to us (light bondage and toys). Honestly that's been the most helpful part of my recovery as she intentionally cut me off from sex for years and admitted it. By the time the affair was discovered she had gained 60lbs so I wasn't that attracted to her last year anyways.

We joined a gym together and we have both lost 30+ lbs and that's been great.

She has been going to an IC for a few months to work on her issues. She had a messed up childhood (both parents were cheaters and divorced, sexual abuse at 15). She has abandonment issues and craves constant attention apparently.

Only now is she starting to see all of the pain she's caused me and is doing work on her own to try and help me heal. For me it seems a little too late.

IMO a short marriage with no kids get a divorce and move on.

You don't owe her anything but you owe yourself everything.

Your marriage ended when she broke her vow anyway.

If you can't see yourself ever feeling safe enough to have children with her, and children are something she wants, I would divorce her and give her a chance to have them with someone else. Women aren't fertile forever and I read in your sig line that she's 34.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 6:42 PM, December 12th (Tuesday)]