SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m new to this forum, found out a few days ago that my wife’s been having an affair with a neighbor who lives a few doors down. She never acted differently, so I had no reason to suspect anything was going on. I thought we had a solid marriage and we parent as a team. We’ve been married for 12 years with two kids in elementary school.

Last Monday, a retired neighbor asked me casually why Dan is going to my house so frequently during the week when no one except my wife was at home. That caught me off guard because my wife never mentioned him coming to our house. When I asked her about it, she was visibly uncomfortable but tried to play it down. She said our retired neighbor was exaggerating, that Dan had only come over once or twice to pick up games and books that his kids had left at our house. I didn’t believe her, but didn’t want to press it. The next day, I called our retired neighbor from work and asked him if he could let me know right away if he saw Dan go to my house. Last Thursday, he called me around 11am to tell me he saw Dan walking up to our house.

I live close to work, so I drove back home. I went in through the door next to our garage so no one would hear me. Without going into the details, I caught them having sex in one of the spare bedrooms. I don’t know how I kept my cool, but I turned around and left. My wife called and texted me repeatedly after that. I told her to meet me in my office building’s parking lot to talk.

She had been having sex with Dan since September. It started with them chatting at our kids’ school bus stop in the mornings. That turned into Dan asking my wife for coffee, she invited him over, and a week later they started having sex. They would meet three or four times a week, always making plans after putting the kids on the bus. I checked our phone bill, no record of phone calls or text messages to him.

She doesn’t know why she did this, she was flattered by the attention and got caught up in the excitement of it. It was a total hit to my self-esteem that she enjoyed the sex. I feel inadequate now, to say the least. Dan is taller and in better shape than me; she was enjoying herself with him in a way that she wasn’t with me.

I told her parents, her brother and her sister that she’s been having an affair that day. I kicked her out of the house and she’s been staying with her parents since last Thursday. I went to Dan’s house Thursday night and told him to stay away from my family. He didn’t have anything to say for himself, but he did look ashamed. His wife was traveling for work last week, but I was able to get her through email. I don’t know what kind of shock or disbelief she must’ve been in, because all she responded with was, “thank you for telling me.”

I don’t know what to do. Our kids think my wife is at their grandparents’ house to help them. I’m trying to keep it together, but it’s been very difficult. I go back and forth...wanting to save our marriage one minute, divorcing her the next. She claims she’s never cheated with anyone else. I just don’t get how she could jump into bed so easily with this guy. There have been a few times over the last few weeks when we were together with them and their kids, makes me sick.

You haven't mentioned her reaction. Is she trying to save the marriage? Regretful? (It's too early for true remorse)

I'm very sorry you are here. It's hard to decide whether to divorce or reconcile. It takes some people years to make that decision, so don't feel bad if you have to tell her you're not sure what you want yet.

Dan's wife's reaction could mean he's done this before. It could also mean that she doesn't believe you or that Dan intercepted the email. Make sure you talk to her again in person.

It's a good idea to at least talk with a lawyer to see what you're looking at custody/support-wise. Knowledge is power. Good luck.

See a lawyer to weigh your options.

Get an std test.

I'm sorry you're here but you'll get great advice from folks at SI.

No one says you need to decide whether to R or D right now. In fact, you're in no state right now to make any long term decisions. Just take it slow, make sure you stay hydrated, eat as much as you're able, stay away from alcohol, exercise, compartmentalize so that you're not focusing on this 24/7, and seek out close friends and family to talk to and find comfort in that.

A lot will happen in getting from point A to point B. Be patient and take things a day at a time. In time you'll know what's best.

Keep posting. We are here to help.

She’s definitely ashamed of herself and seems sorry, but I don’t know if she’s remorseful. I haven’t talked to her other than to text about the kids.

It’s not possible that Dan intercepted the email, I managed to get her work email. I’m sure he’s done this before, they moved here a month before school started.

I plan to meet an attorney this week to discuss my options.

Hello MattinCt. Welcome to SI. I'm really sorry you're going through this shit, brother, but you've come to the right place.

If you haven't done so already, take some time and read the "important information for newbies," pinned to the top of the JFO forum. Next, check out the "Healing Library." (see yellow shaded area at the top left).

Also: "The Tactical Primer."

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/tactical-primer.asp

You're going to vacillate between wanting to save your marriage and divorce. It's normal. See my username? Yeah. That was me. Un-fucking-hinged. It's normal. Take your time in making a decision. There's no rush. Your primary goal here is to get yourself out of infidelity. Whether that happens through reconciliation or divorce is largely up to your WW and what she does in the immediate future.

Well done on the exposing the affair, man! Well done!

She doesn’t know why she did this...

Well, if she has any inclination towards saving her marriage, she'd better damn well figure it out. If you're anything like the rest of us, this is going to be a mind-fuck like no other.

Stay strong, brother. Keep reading and posting here. Reach out to friends and family in real life. Take care of yourself and your kids.

It's a little slow on the weekends, btw. Don't be discouraged by a lack of responses tonight.

Peace

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:22 PM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but so glad you found us so quickly.

So far you're taking all the right steps. You've let OBS know, you've taken a strong lead and aren't begging your wife to chose you. (The pick me dance is humiliating and seldom works).

You don't have to decide whether to reconcile or divorce immediately. You have time to decide...watch her actions and gauge her emotions. You might want to see a lawyer to get the info on what divorce will look like.

You might encourage your wife to start looking for a job now. If you divorce, she'll need a way to support herself and if you Reconcile, she'll need something to do as she obviously has too much time on her hands.

See your doctor if your struggling is interfering with the job too much. He can prescriptive be anti anxiety and sleeping meds to help short term. Std tests too, for both of you. Eat and sleep best you can. Your kids are relying on you.

Keep posting and check out the healing library in the yellow box above dr. Phil. Great info in there. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a great resource as is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

Your retired neighbour is a good guy. Wish we all had someone in our lives willing to protect us by telling the truth.

Keep posting and reading Matt. We get it...it's probably the worst pain you've ever felt. We're here to support you.

Keep posting.

These guys are best in class.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:29 AM, December 4th (Monday)]

Sorry for your debacle.what a horrible experience. Looks like she acted with zero regards/morals. Your immediate actions are better than most of the betrayed husbands. However avoid anymore confrintations with the POs unless you are going to bash his head Best response is to live your life - that is you and your kids at the moment. You are shocked to find this. Do not get repeatedly shocked/victimized, it only harm you. Think like as if this is a seroius illness and only way to face it is corrective measures. kids should also get sense of their own betrayal by their mother. I think you should start with your mind set on D, especially she is not remorseful as you say. You are not in as good shape as the POS? Start working out now. It is also very good for the mind

[This message edited by goalong at 9:13 PM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

Make her get an STD test. You have no idea where this guys been or what he’s been up to.

Take your time. Everyone is on your timeline now.

Thank god for your neighbor. Buy that man a bottle of good whiskey. He did you a solid. Otherwise this could have gone on for years. Affairs rarely stop on their own. Just read the Dazed and Confused thread to see how long these things tend to go.

Lots of questions are going to be coming your way. Is she crying? Begging? Does she show "remorse". Is she in the "Affiar Fog?"

And the big one.....Does she want to stay in the marriage? Another way to phrase it....Has she chosen you? (As if her choosing you is some kind of prize.)

So my two cents.

Of course she wants to stay married to you. She is a stay at home mom. She had you out working so she could screw Dan on your dime.

But now her rollercoaster of fun has come to an end. The 3-4 month love fest went right off the rails.

So it's time for plan B. Time to CYA and try to salvage whatever she can. Her marriage. Her meal ticket. Her lifestyle. Her reputation. (side note...other moms are not too keen on having a chater around their husbands....she knows this)

She will tell you she was not in love with him. That the sex meant nothing. That the sex was not even good. (But as you will likely find out if you ask her.....she did things with Dan she does not do with you.) That she just wanted the attention. That she has no idea how she could have done the things she did. That she is SO SORRY. She will never do it again. And that she will spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to you. The rest of her life proving she loves only you and is a safe partner.

It's classic cheater spiel. We see it day in and day out around here.

She dropped her panites for what? Compliments? Attention? She destroyed her marriage and family for that? She broke your heart for what the kids these days call "the feels". And the only reason it stopped was because she got busted. Not guilt. Not love for you and the kids.

IMO you are smart for consulting a lawyer ASAP. Depending on the state you live in, adultery may play a role in potential divorce settlements.

Keep your distance from her, both physically and mentally, as much as possible. You need space and time to sort your brain out. She should respect that. Although respect does not seem to be her strong suit.

If she comes back to the house put her into the spare bedroom she loves so much. Do not let her manipulate you with sex. Cheaters tend to fall back on what they know best. And she has now been exposed to who knows how many STD's. (Another side note, since she continued to have sex with you during her affiar you need to go get tested ASAP)

Also do not fall for her tears and words. Her actions have spoken more than her words ever could.

It's about YOU now, not her.

Drink water. Try to get some sleep. Eat a little.

She claims she’s never cheated with anyone else.

Like that's supposed to matter?

However, cheaters lie a lot.

I noticed you are in Connecticut? If that is correct then adultery cna factor in......

Historically, if a wife committed adultery, the courts deemed her to have forfeited her right to alimony. Later, the courts determined that any person who committed adultery, regardless of gender, was not entitled to alimony.

Today, things in Connecticut have changed, and the courts employ a more flexible approach. Adultery  can  be considered when a family judge makes decisions about alimony. It’s up to the judge to decide whether and how it should be considered.

The following are all factors that the court must consider when deciding whether alimony should be awarded and the duration and amount of the award:

the length of the marriage

the causes for the divorce

the age, health, station, occupation, amount and sources of income, earning capacity, vocational skills, education, employability, estate, and needs of each of the spouses

any award of real property (meaning, lands and buildings) that the court will make as part of the final divorce order, and

in the case of a parent to whom the custody of minor children has been awarded, the desirability and feasibility of a parent securing employment.

As stated above, judges in Connecticut  are  allowed to consider the cause of the divorce when deciding alimony issues. This means that they can consider evidence of adultery and the impact it had on the marital estate (meaning, the total assets and liabilities) as well as the effect it had on the breakup of the marriage. For example, the judge can increase the amount and duration of alimony owed by an adulterous spouse to an innocent spouse. If the supported spouse is the adulterous party, the judge could decide to decrease the amount and duration the paying spouse has to pay.

She’s definitely ashamed of herself and seems sorry, but I don’t know if she’s remorseful. I haven’t talked to her other than to text about the kids.

At this time she's only regretting getting caught.

You're smart you exposed right away which is the best thing you could have done.

Give your retired friend a worthy gift for his support.

Make sure you don't jump into MC and offer her Reconcillition immediately. Take your time and think of what you want.

Infidelity never goes away. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Take care

Strength brother, you are not alone, SI is here for you.

You took all the right steps, you really did, from exposure to sending her to her parents and informing OBS.

It all escalated very quickly for you and you did what you had to do, you also had no choice.

Now, know that all this was not your fault and that she was a ticking timebomb ready and waiting to cheat, something is broken in her and that is why she did this, has nothing to do with you, otherwise she could and should have divorced you.

Please know that all of this is going to mess with your head soon, as it already does, there will be fallout and you are going to question things including yourself.

She and others will blame you for her cheating, while you are not to blame. People will start to make you doubt the concept of monogamy, while you both agreed to it by marriage and an open marriage was never discussed with you prior to her cheating. Her family will likely try to rugsweep it all and turn against you, while you still trust their judgments because you always had trusted them. You will be inclined to believe what she says, while you should not trust her anymore. People will pressure you that it is best for the kids to reconcile, while it is especially harmful for children to grow up in a toxic household. She does not know why she did it, while she did it repeatedly and was an active and willing participant. And more.

For your own mental health, what she did is NOT NORMAL, stay true to YOUR VALUES, and be YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND. Read these words again, and again, and again.

This all was very sudden for you, and a sudden loss, you likely are shellshocked and IC is a good thing to do.

I wish you well, strength brother and stay posting, it helps

And I just have to say.....

I caught them having sex in one of the spare bedrooms. I don’t know how I kept my cool, but I turned around and left.

The fact that you held it together and did not beat either one of them to death in a fit of rage is a credit to you. Many men who saw what you saw would be in jail right now.

She’s definitely ashamed of herself and seems sorry, but I don’t know if she’s remorseful.

MattinCT

What makes you think that she’s ashamed? If I was almost caught doing something I was ashamed of I would alter my behavior somehow. I would stop for a bit, do it at a different place or something. Your wife changed nothing even after being made aware that the retired neighbor was keeping an eye on them. She kept their normal schedule for sex in their normal spot.

It’s like being told that there is a speed trap at the end of your street. The next time you’re in your car you blow past it. But instead of getting a ticket you destroy your family.

Either your wife is:

1. extremely stupid

2. just doesn’t give a sh”t

3. thinks that there will no consequences

4. or wanted to be caught

Your wife didn’t even have enough respect for you and your family to sneak around properly.

DNA your kids. They sell a kit at about any drug store, Walmart or Amazon.

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:57 PM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

I agree with Michigan... She wasn't the least bit ditoured by the neighbor , huge lack of respect for you and the family .

CDB

I’m so so sorry you are going through this. My H had an affair with our neighbor as well. However instead of another neighbor tipping me off like yours did, my neighbor kept in to herself until after I found out and then proceeded to spread the neighborhood gossip. In the end, my H and I decided to reconcile. I knew our marriage was in a terrible place when it all came crashing down and at the year mark we wound up moving off that block. It was impossible to stay with so many reminders and always wondering who knew and who didn’t. Sending you strength as you navigate through these tumultuous waters.