SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So im about 6 weeks out after d day.An affair i had 4 years ago with my spouses friend came out,after some recent texts were discovered.I've done everything in my power to show change,number changes,deleting social media,all female numbers,leaving my phone around ect.. We have been together 13 years and have 3 children.The mixed signals are so hard and i'm trying to really understand everything.One minute its we this we that,we're joking,laughing,spending time and eating dinner together.The next its I dont know if i'll ever get over this,Idk if ill ever want to fix our marriage.She is in nursing school she finishes in a few weeks,so i know she trying to really stay focused on that and not crash from opening up about me cheating.It seems one minute we working toward the good and boom my legs get swept and im back to square one.Is all this normal? Any advice what i should do? I'm so lost and im trying everything in my power to save my family i hate myself everyday for embarassing my wife like i did.

Yes this is totally normal. It is like a roller coaster of emotions that change by the hour for my BH and our d-day was in March. Those first few weeks were awful. We still have really awful days.

All I can say is remain calm and positive. Keep being truthful and transparent and don't place any anger on your BS for being upset or angry. Just accept it. In this scenario time is your friend.

Make an effort to work on yourself and your marriage and show your BS that you are putting in the effort and the work and remind them daily you are in this 100%.

Thank you,And yeah the hardest part is the self hate i have toward myself and seeing her in pain destroys me.She says she has hope we will work it out but she doesnt know if she'll ever get past it.And i'm understanding i know it will be a really long road,the ups and downs are just the worst.I take the goods and feels like things are normalizing and boom kicked right back to square one.I have no anger toward her,and been as truthful and best i can be.But we havent also really talked out the affair and the whys and stuff because she is so focused on school right now and with only 3 weeks of school left she is trying to be emotionless which i understand and respect.I know if she says she has hope now its a good sign but I also knoe intill she is out of school and can fully let it out the true healing cant really begin

The path to healing probably will never end. It takes 2-5 years just to start the the process of true healing.

Just keep being as transparent and truthful as possible. Don't hide anything, don't delete anything, don't act upset or angry if she does question you and want answers. Do your best to answer them.

Oh this is me. Last night, after looking at homes in a state we plan to move to after the kids are gone, I asked my WH to take a bath with me. It was relaxing, not sexual, we talked... Then in the night he made moves on me and I got angry bc I immediately started wondering if he started sex with Slutty Sally like that. I told him he's selfish, I'll never get past this, look what he's turned my life into. I am a legit crazy person. You just never know these days. Why? Bc I just don't know what's going on! One minute I LOVE HIM sooooooo hard. Then I remember what he did and I HATE HIM soooooo much. It's this feeling of constant flux...how could he, how could this be real, omg it's real, what am I doing still here, but I want to be here!

Affairs are traumatic, terribly impactful things. Just yesterday for the first time since D day in April I realized I didn't think about the A for like 30 min! Think about that. Think about what your BW is going through over and over all day. Just give her what she needs, do extra to help her, apologize for doing something that has caused her to have these feelings/thoughts, and tell her you love her... It will get better. I cling to that. It just takes time.

Hi there Pointblank508,

Welcome to SI. The Wayward forum here is a great place to work through your feelings and get support and advice from people who have experienced what you're going through. I'm glad you found your way here.

It is really common for Waywards to feel blindsided by the intensity and range of emotional and physical symptoms that Betrayed Spouses go through when they discover they've been betrayed by the person they thought they could trust the most. Her whole subjective reality has tipped over. Things she believed were true about you, about her ability to judge character and her perception of what's going on around her have been called into question, all at a time when she needs her focus and executive function to complete her education.

I think you are right that she is probably hunkered down mentally as much as she can be and when she finishes school things are likely going to feel even worse. Use this time to start educating yourself about what she's going through and what you can do to help her. Here is some reading that will help you start to wrap your mind around the nature of infidelity, the effect it has on the people involved and what can be done to recover.

1) I'm going to bump a post for you entitled "Things every WS needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI. Is full of great info and is a realistic description of what your BS (Betrayed Spouse) might be feeling.

2) The book "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair" by Linda J MacDonald is a terrific resource that can be read in less than a day and is loaded with practical advice about which actions on your part will support healing and reconciliation and which will hinder it.

3) I don't know if your affair had an emotional component or not but if it did (and even if you are just interested in how to affair-proof yourself and your marriage for the future) the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is a great resource.

4) And finally, the Healing Library link in the yellow box in the upper left corner of your screen is full of short, relevant writings on many topics related to infidelity. It is largely from the BS experience but I found it incredibly helpful for beginning to understand what my BS was dealing with.

I know you said you've done everything in your power to show change but realize that showing change is not a one and done. It takes a series of actions over a very long period of time so if your want to reconcile you'll need to shift your mindset into marathon mode rather than sprint mode. Another apt analogy is "lifestyle change" vs. "diet".

Finally, you will eventually need to figure out how and why you were able to betray your spouse and your marriage. Your "why", as it is often called around here, will not be the reasons you felt tempted to cheat. Those are common in every relationship, but not everyone acts on those temptations. How and why you were able to actually go through with it will be something that is internal. Going to an IC (individual counselor) can help a lot in this regard.

So buckle up and buckle down, friend. Keep reading and post here when you have questions or need support. Proceed with conviction and valor.

Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thank you,I'm going to definitley read into everything.Theres alot I still need to understand especially with myself.I've been with her almost half my life and this has kind of opened my eyes to alot that I never really recognized before.And i'm in counseling i've been working steadily every day to kind of read something or challenge myself.I know this is a very long road ahead and every day I wake up i look at the pictures of my family and i push onward.One thing i won't do is fail them again. And i'm trying more so to develop the slow and steady wins the race and im far from perfect with patience.So thats something i have to really work on and realize pushing the issue or forcing it right now is going to do more damage then good and i'm shoot myself in the foot doing it.I have made it a point to be as transparent as possible,she says she isnt worried about us ect.. but she has gone through my phone she doesnt know i know and honestly im ok with that.If thats something small that will give her a little sigh of relief then im okay with it.I know i have no reason to think there should be trust cause i gave her a reason to have none.And i'm especially making sure to jump on whatever she needs help with especially finishing school i've already told her failure isnt an option we started school together an we pushing through it even if i have to drag her to the finish line.But i also know the true emotions havent come out yet cause she is bottled up to get through school,but i know once she truly breaks down and lets it out then and only then can true healing begin and the rollercoaster will get shakier but i've got it in my mind no matter how she blows up crying or anger i'm going to stand by her and show her i truly do love her and that i'm set on proving myself.

You sound a lot like my WH. If it's any consolation, as crazy and hurt as I still am, his work is really what's propelling our reconciliation. It's hard, but if you work hard, it will pay off. Good luck to you both.

Healing, as someone said previously, will probably take forever.

Right now I imagine your BW is trying to figure out what marriage she had. The last 4 years have been a lie, good memories during those years may be tainted by the fact that you were deceiving her. Then there's the years before your affair - what is she to make of those? All the things you said and did during those times are suspect - you made promises then that you didn't keep, should she trust you now? and why?

Acceptance is the place I hope your BW can find one day. Not forgiveness, and not being ok with what you did - simply accepting that it happened, and there is nothing she can do now that will change that past. I'm kinda a slow learner, so it took me a LONG time to get there, but I did.

Your marriage may well go forward and you reconcile, but the stain of the affair will always be there. A BS can get used to it being there, and for the most part not notice it - but the stain remains, and if patterns of behavior return or a WS gets lazy and stops trying, we remember what we went through, and wonder if it was worth it.

I can only speak for myself - but I settled when I decided to stay with my WW. I stayed because I was worried about my daughters getting abused by a future boyfriend of WW or by a step father. It happens a lot, so my concern was justified. So, I stayed, and for the most part my WW and I are fine together. We laugh and joke and all that, but she will forever be my plan B - plan A being in a relationship with a faithful wife. I make do though, because I've accepted that THIS is my life, and all I can do is make the best of it.

It's a tough road you're walking, and it will take a lot of strength and courage on your part to keep going. All I can suggest is that you make permanent changes, and never relax or slack off. Remain remorseful, work every day to make your M better and you BW happy, and never slip and start hiding anything.

I know this will never go away and i've kinda realized and built the "no room for error,anything i say or do will be used against me mentality" And she had no reason to trust me,i dont deserve it and i recognize that.Why she should trust me again,idk if there one particular.I need to really show her an give her reasons too.She slipped an admitted part the problem she so distant is cause everytime i say ill change with even things minor,i do them intill the heats off my ass and i resort right back.So that showed me right now consistency is key.She has said she sees how bad this has destroyed me and how emotional i have been over this and alot of it is cause i spent my entire life in child services both parents addicts,1 died of an overdose so this in a sense has the feeling of back then in terms of losing my family and its destroyed me.But its opened my eyes to alot,its given me a fire to push those permanent changes and build in my head that RIGHT NOW its my family ot excuses there is no other option,im either fully push and change things i never wanted to for sake of my family or im make some excuse up and watch everything go down the drain.And i realize if i want to save this marriage its a i got to always be on top of everything.Cause she watching me like a hawk now and if she says she wants to reconcile and things go good the minute i exhibit past behavior shes going to walk before she puts her self into the "here we go,is he cheating again" mindset.Right now i just keep telling myself my life is forever changed,and if they mean as much to me as I say they do,there is no excuses only doing.

Not to nit-pick, but...

So that showed me right now consistency is key.

No. Consistency on your part will be key forever. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's the way I see it. My Dday is 16+ years ago - and I still am (quietly) watching my WW for signs of cheating again. If she does anything that makes me strongly suspect things are amiss, I will D her in a heartbeat and never look back. I'm just trying to tell it as I see it in MY circumstance.

I believe that people don't change - but behaviors can. If my WW slips into an old behavior pattern, I call her on it immediately. I refuse to go through this nonsense again.

No not harsh at all,I'd rather hear things straight forward and not sugar coated.I ment consistency right now as in beating that term now into my head till it hecomes habit.With the emotions everywhere theres certain ways id normally react that i now got to tell myself no,say this instead and be consistent with it till it becomes a habit.I'm not just trying to change behaviors she didnt like but also behaviors that I wasnt happy with my self about,trying to rebuild myself top to bottom and really show her ive changed for the better all around,that im happy with myself.Because ive realized alot of my behaviors was because i wasnt happy with myself and instead fixing them i fed myself a shit excuse why ill change it later then my issues would unintentionally affect her.Was never major issues or ones that she would want to leave me over but where little things that would cause issues.I know from this day forward i havent got much if any wiggle room,and especially when she wants to reconcile i'll be under a microscope one way or another there wont be any room or excuse in the world to come back from screwing up again,i made this bed noone else but if being under the microscope means saving my family ill do it.

So last night things were good with me and her.And i had alot weighing on me so i wrote her a deep apology.An apology from my heart and made sure i didnt say things like we'll get through this or anything.Because like she said she dont know right now.But one just explaining the feelings and deeply being sorry for my actions and devastating her like i did.Well fast forward to this morning,and i got absolutley blasted for it.She said she doesnt want to think about it at all right now because of school but it keeps being brought up.And that wasnt my intention at all,i just felt like i owed her it.So now im emotionally just worn out because she doesnt want to address it at all till schools out (3 weeks) and im struggling with what do i do now? I back away she may take it as i dont care,i continue to push its going to further the damage.I'm so lost and honestly feels im screwed if i do and screwed if i dont.

One thing that my IC recommended was to write down all the changes I made and the ways I changed as a person. This way I never doubt that I DO all the work.

Point,

Your apology had good intent but she is not in the mind space to receive it. That is hard, I know.

You want to "fix" this so badly. Please don't give up.

But you can't do a quick "fix" and hope that it will get you to the end of the infidelity journey. It is a marathon that for many, truly never ends.

One day, one action at a time.

I know your wife is in school and that is her focus but IMO, she is also using it as an excuse NOT to deal with the A. (coping mechanism)

And that is not wrong, just be aware when the flood gates are let down...watch out. She will be devastated, pissed, crushed, hopeful, angry, loving, disgusted...etc. all in the span of 1 minute. There is nothing logical about processing your WS cheated on you. NOTHING.

Then she will be really sad and questioning herself. There is nothing you can say or do to change this, again IMO, as our psyche has to process the WHY and the HOW this happened. The BS goes through the why wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I good enough in bed? Was she better? Am I too fat/skinny? Aren't I fun enough? etc...

Let her process these feelings. We call it a rollercoaster ride from hell for a reason. The highs are high, the low are low and hang on around the corners...

Keep posting, keep reading. Be consistent. 2-5 years consistent (I am almost at 6 years post Dday and I still need reassurance )

This is a long journey. I hear your voice in your writing. You want to be a better man. You can be. You can heal yourself and your BW can heal too. There is hope.

Thanks for sharing and posting. It made me realize how far we have come.

God bless.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:02 AM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

I've tried to take on everything at once and i came out the gate running as fast as i can and really wore myself self out.Initially i believed if i just took everything on at once head on it would make thid better.I havent had noone to really talk to,i have no family so i've kinda tried to wing it.I handle everything in the house from kids in morning to school,running a business 11 hrs back to the kids and house making sure when she comes home she doesnt have to lift a finger.My days off im still up early doing the kids routine then i clean all day only time i have to myself is around 10pm or if i can break away for a hour gym session.And i just tried to rush and fix everything.Because of line of work im in im kind of programmed when a problem arises its addressed immediatley no matter how severe and its delt with and move on.And I never really understood till recently that this is a tortoise race there is nothing fast or quick about this.So i've struggled with that balance of fast fast fast at work and home,but with her it needs to be very slow,empathetic and consistent.And with school i'm going to kinda back away enough that she doesnt feel smothered but show her im still here and doing everything i said i would.

Point,

You are doing great, even though it doesn't feel like it, you are.

No one can guarantee the outcome but fast and furious doesn't win this race. It is good that you are realizing this.

And don't get me wrong, it is frustrating as hell. On both sides. I, a BS, wanted it all to be "okay" and "we could get through anything" at first to be totally knocked off my foundation as soon as I allowed myself to process and breathe.

No one straight path. Lots of ups and downs.

One way or another you can and will make it through. Keep posting. A lot of great people here rooting for you.

Thank you it means alot.Especially right now it.She wont even acknowledge the good i do but will blast me if i do wrong.Which i get especially cause in her mind she watching patiently and waiting for a sign that this "change" im doing isnt for the long term.But deep down im trying my best,and even though she doesnt acknowledge it to me i hope she notices..

Shes now subliminally in a way asked me to come back to my bed with her i have been sleeping on the couch.I guess im just hesitent cause i dont know how to take it or understand.I guess she has also expressed to her sister when things get to well between us she starts visioning me and the other woman and she is having more and more trouble shutting back down.And i'm just trying to do the best i can and trying not to bring anything up,because of her schooling.But it seems when we sit and joke ect.. thats even bringing problems up im just so lost.

So me and her spoke and minute things touched a little she started crying and got out the car.Things have been pretty good overall better then they have been with me and her.The initial goal was we talked after nursing school and boards.She now wants to talk right after school,i think she starting to self destruct.She says she truly doesnt know if ill be given a chance to fix this,but that she does have hope.So of course with me having ptsd my anxiety is ripping through the roof.Idk what to think

[This message edited by Pointblank508 at 7:19 AM, December 12th (Tuesday)]