SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So made it through the holidays things have seemed really good.Up intill i found out she gave a guy her number,says we're not together there not talking like that so it shouldn't be a big deal.But it seems where not together when it involves me and her,but will act together and be perfectly ok with going on dates and me spending well around 4k on her over course of 2 months.She continues to tell me up and down on our kids she doesnt know whats going to happen after nursing boards ect.. and im sitting here really wondering if im getting set up to look like a fool.My problem is im doing a-z on the strength of an i dont know and just blatantly slapped in the face with im suppose to be ok with u talking to another dude.

Hey there Pointblank508,

I know it's hella hard but you gotta let go of the outcome. The money you've spent, the time you're putting in, your efforts to support her as she crosses the finish line for school, it will help if you consider those things to be freely given with no expectations for what happens when she finishes the boards.

No matter what she decides, you are not a fool if they are freely given because you love her and you want to help her. You are possibly going to be disappointed, yes. That's what vulnerability is. Showing up authentically even when you don't know how things will turn out. You may not get the outcome you hope for. But either way you have done the decent thing by helping her get through the eye of this needle. Once you're both on the other side you can start sorting out your futures.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 9:04 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

You can absolutely tell her how this makes you feel, but recognize that she is telling you she does not know if she can stay with a man who would cheat on her with one of her friends. Her agreeing to go on dates with you is nothing more than giving you a chance to win her back to you. She owes you nothing but the truth and she is giving you that.

Stop trying to control the outcome. Work on yourself, if she decides your infidelity is a deal breaker and has to leave you that is the consequence of your actions. You can't buy back trust and commitment once you have shattered it into pieces.

She is likely wondering if she is being set up to play the fool if she takes a person who has proven himself capable of lying for 4 years and cheating on her.

That empathy thing, its important.

Edited because of accidental emoji

[This message edited by strugglebus at 11:54 PM, December 29th (Friday)]

I agree that consistency is key. Do not break any promises or your word about anything at all. Do not break any trust in any way. Do not lie about anything, that includes by omission. Follow through in everything. Do not over promise. These are huge setbacks that can happen in R. There is no room for error on this. It can destroy R. Keep doing the work on yourself no matter what as it will help her feel safer. Decide why type is H and man you want to be, and be it at all cost.

It it makes you feel any better, we have hit the 1 year mark and I have yelled I hate you. I want a divorce, you are my enemy, leave (and have thrown him out) and more. But here we are still making it.

It Does not mean I didn't mean then when I said rhenZ I was serious but my H persisted with his healing and fighting for us

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 1:36 AM, December 30th (Saturday)]

These Mixed signals aren’t mixed signals. They are what is the natural

Grieving Process of the dying of an old relationship. Your spouse will have regular feelings of anger, sadness, grief, joy, etc. for a while. Maybe don’t see them as mixed signals but just what people go through when someone dies. I don’t want to say ignore the roller coaster of what you are seeing, but you need to just ride it with your spouse, keeping focused on making your spouse consistently feel safe in personal ways. Basically you are doing your work right now, with no immediate benefit for you, which is unlike the affair you had which gives immediate gratification. Long term consistent work with your spouse will probably give security that will help give you the sure signals of reconciliation. Never a definite though. But if you really want R, that’s what you need to do. Basically put a lot of your assessments aside, do the work, and wait patiently.

I'm trying my best i am and yes its been hard to not try and hold onto the outcome thats been the hardest part.I guess what really just threw me for a loop,was how i'm supposed to believe she doesnt really know but yet finds comfort in another man.And like i explained to her if her mind is made up and she wants to D to tell me so i can start getting things in order and get her through boards,i'd never just up and leave but she still says that she trully doesnt know.And the saying one thing but acting another is what has bothered me.I get i caused this i own every aspect of it,but in same sense I don't deserve to be played with like a puppet,especially now that the kids have become aware and they stated they absolutley refuse to stay with her.