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Anybody have any insight what i should start doing and be preparing for.I literally am so lost and thrown off

As a BS, I know very well what she is going through.

If I put myself in her shoes, I would feel better if my WH did the following:

-sleeps in the same bed and just cuddles me and tells me he loves me and how much he is sorry he had hurt me and the kids. I will not want any pressure to have sex.

-continues to help me with the kids and the house

- brings me a really nice bunch of flowers

-makes me a drink in the morning and brings it in bed

-rubs my feet in the evening when we watch TV together

-tells me the whole truth about the affair when I ask questions, time and time again. I do not want to hear -I do not remember' or I do not want to see anger on his face when I ask these questions.

-I want him to buy me something I really wanted. A nice diamond ring with a message how sorry he is, or a new car.

-I will be pleased if he left little messages where I can see them with I love you, I am so sorry I have hurt you, I will fight for us.

-I will appreciate if he found a good IC for himself to work on his boundaries and 'why' he had to step out of our marriage.

-I will feel more secure if he made a financial gesture to make me feel secure( add me on the deeds of the house, make a post nup, etc).

-I would not like it if he keeps on asking me if I will divorce him. My traumatic mind can not make a decision now, I will need time to decide whether I will stay or go and a lot will be based on how remorseful my WS will be and the work he will put on himself.

-I would want to know all about the affair and I would want to let the husband of AP know what happened. My WS will have to take the consequences of the fallout.

-I would feel so wronged and I would want a revenge, but I would not have a revenge affair. Instead, I will find an IC for me.

i hope the above helps.

Forgot to add.

Stop thinking about the outcome. It will be reconciliation or divorce and you can live through both.

Concentrate on helping her heal. She has a lot on her plate now with school, her husband cheating and her friend betraying her.

Encourage her to see an IC for her own mental health, then once you are both in a better place mentally do MC.

I've done alottt of whats on the list already and continue to do so.I havent tried to really cuddle her or anything pressuring because intill we sit down.We have a mutual friend and from what was said to me,she believes ALOT happened that truly truly didnt.So i'm scared to sit with her and putting it on the table.But on the same hand she needs to know alot of which she believes may be true is absolutley false.I will admit and own what i've done,but i really need to prove to her that there is alot that is not true and i understand she going to believe worst of worst right now.

Write it all down then.

Offer a polygraph to prove to her that you have told the truth.

So me and her talked a little and there was nothing but anger.She flipped saying idgaf about what happen,idc,idc and was no talking to her.She keeps saying i dont know whats going to happen and in mix of the convo said only reason your here is cause im.waiting till.schools over before i have to sit and ruin our kids lives that your leaving.She keeps going and says there no guarntees we ever gonna work ect..That comment though literally just destroyed me and i dont know if it was just out of anger i dont know what to believe 😢😢😢

Let go of the outcome.

Let it goooo.

You have no control here. Your wife has cause to leave you and only by her grace will you stay.

Your job right now is to grow some empathy for your wife.

She doesn't know if she can stay with you because you have completely destroyed her view of the world. The curtain is up and she sees exactly how terrible you are capable of being. The cheating, the lying, gaslighting -all emotionally abusive. Your wife is trying to survive another day. She is trying to get the ground back beneath her.

She is doing ALL of this while being responsible for kids AND dealing with school. She doesn't have time for you right now.

This is the consequence of your actions. You have to sit with feeling lost because of your actions - she has to deal with feeling lost because you threw her away.

You don't know what to believe because of your actions - she doesn't know what to believe because the person she trusted most spent years lying to her face.

You feel destroyed because of your actions - she feels destroyed because you chose to destroy her.

You can't love bomb your way out of this. You have to put in the work.

If you love her, let her know that you understand that she doesn't know what to do right now and that you are willing to wait as long as it takes and you will fight everyday for her.

Then DO IT.

Buy a journal and start writing every single day.

Go to IC, work on what allowed you to do this

Purchase How to Help Your Spouse Heal and read it throughly - take notes.

Purchase Not Just Friends, read it and take notes.

Give her room - take care of the kids, make dinner every night, clean the house, any thing she is usually in charge of, make that YOUR job.

Delete your social media presence any where it is not necessary for work.

Block the AP and any one connected even remotely to them.

But most importantly, BUCKLE UP. This is going to get worse before it gets better. All you can control is making YOU better.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 7:15 PM, December 14th (Thursday)]

As a BH I have a very hard time believing the 'I don't remember line'. My WW can recall pretty much every fault I ever committed in our 38 year marriage, and yet she doesn't recall which hotel they went or what they did. What that tells me is that I don't matter - it's too uncomfortable for her to tell the truth, so she 'doesn't remember'. My WW worked hard at keeping her LTA a secret, shouldn't she work at least as hard when trying to reconcile?

If you want to keep any sort of relationship with your BS, figure it out. Work HARD on it.

Yeah she doesnt have to lift a finger every single thing in the house is taken care of,and i know i caused this.I take full owmership of what i've what i did.The cant remember is truth,For 4 yrs straight i never went to bed sober and drank every single night till i couldnt hold anymore.Daily going to work hungover it became normal,because of the issues between me and her before the A and then my mother being found deceased from a heroin overdose i gave up.So yes there was quite a few nights i remember zero,quite a few times have woken up in my car,outside and not remembering if i drove.I had zero family to turn to because i grew up in foster care so once i realized alcohol numbed it and i could sleep without nightmares it became my best friend every single night.

Pointblank508,

Betrayed Spouses often don't believe the truth because their worlds have been upended and truth is no longer apparent to them. Don't lie to cater to their instability. It will only make them even less stable. If you don't remember, then you don't remember. The end. Period. Don't 'try' to remember and pick things you 'think' might be right. If you don't know, own not knowing. Yes, that will likely make people more angry, but that's the price of owning the truth and it's the right thing to do. My betrayed fiance went through that when I couldn't remember part of my affair night and there wasn't any alcohol involved, only extreme exhaustion and documented memory loss. He didn't believe me and with good reason of course. But I didn't cater to him by lying or trying to remember when the memories just Aren't There. I took care of his concerns by verifying my Honesty, Despite not remembering everything. I got a polygraph and underwent hypnosis. Do what you can with Solid evidence like bank records of dates if you have any, or texts and emails. If you can't remember, Don't guess. Be honest with yourself first, then others.

Yeah,i've exhausted all options and avenues to try and remember or get a sense its happened more and i havent found anything.Right now i've been making sure she doesnt have to lift a finger in the house,massages regularly,telling her i love her even though she doesnt day it back,she is done with school Thursday,she doesnt know her $500 nursing board exam is paid for already.She right now is still coping and managing with just anger.When she starts crying she shuts down and just explodes with anger.And im learning to just shut up and take it,to let her vent and let it out and its hurtful it shreds me apart but i caused this.I cannot flip on her,or snap much as my defense mechanism is to defend myself ive learned to suck it up and take it,that she is gonna exhaust that anger till she breaks and the sadness and crying starts.And thats when im going to shift the sit and just take it attitude to hold her and really be her shoulder to let it out and really really be her support because i wont turn my back or back away and watch my wife slip into depression i refuse.

Schedule a polygraph with a reputable administrator.

Two questions.

Are you purposely withholding information about your affairs and inappropriate behavior from your wife?

When you say you don't remember the answers to her questions,are you being completely honest?

I was trying to do a polygraph and she flipped out on me like badly,saying we need to save the money and use it for bills.I pushed it even more like thats one way u can see im not lying and she told me absolutley not am i to spend money on a "f'ing polygraph,when we need the money" her exact words.

PB, as a nurse, I remember how stressful boards were tome. Here you go to school for years and if you don't pass those boards then all that time and money wasted. It is ton of pressure.

Just a thought, why don't you offer to get her a hotel room for a few days before boards. It will be quiet, she can review her studies and you won't be there to look at all the time as reminder. You keep the kids and all the hassles. She will be better able to concentrate. All she has to think about are her boards. It sounds like you are doing everything you should. If you can't afford a hotel maybe a relative who is not a drama queen or super emotional. She need a calm place to think and study.

Yeah thats a good idea,Cause she is on verge of breaking down and im trying my best to keep pushing her through this.She is trying to be very normal with me without anything pertaining to me and her but im very aware as well that anger is going to break and the floodgates will open.

Right now she is in a minefield both professionally and at home. This is exactly where I was almost 2 years ago. The A derailed me so much I lost my spot in graduate school. She's trying to get through her boards and and right now the best thing you can do is back off when she asks you to back off. I know that seems counter-intuitive but phrase it to her in the sense of what do you need from me so that you can succeed at this thing that you have worked so hard for. Praise how hard she has worked, I know in my case I felt like my H could not see how hard I was working to build my professional life.

A lot of times being in school also leads to feelings of guilt because we are not able to be as present at home as we ordinarily would be. My H actually went so far as to lash out on me at D-Day and say you aren't present because you're so wrapped up in school. Talk about a kick to the teeth. But it reinforced an internal fear I already had that my commitment to school was taking away from my commitment to my family. So even if you don't feel that her schooling is a problem she may worry you feel that way. This is how the Minefield gets extremely complicated because she is dealing with her own internal dialogue and now your actions maybe reinforcing fears, regardless of motivation.

The analogy that finally broke through to my H was that he broke my legs and now he's wondering why I'm struggling to walk on. Her legs need time to heal, she's adjusting to a new reality in an already stressful time. She is going to lash out because she is in pain. Part of that consistency and patience is learning how to ride through the storm and not retreat into yourself, or turn to another person (unless it's an IC).

Not to sound like a jerk but your feelings are not and should not be her priority right now. I know you're hurting and her lashing out makes you feel badly but that is not on her. Get yourself to an IC to work on those feelings.

Keep holding on, I said I was done many times, but we're about to celebrate 10 years married. You have to be strong for both of you right now even if you don't feel strong. Keep reading posting and reaching out for support.

Yeah im trying to stay strong as possible,Im working 50 hrs a week and trying to maintain the house,3 small kids and support her.The hardest part is just seems the anger is never going to end,even though i know it will and then things will get very emotional.I have put 100% commitment into her and schooling.But it seems like a very fine line,because when i back off and give her space she blows up questioning me whats wrong ect..

PB, The push and pull you feel, I want you near, I don't want you near, why are you quiet, why are you talking, come here, go away. I can remember my mind going a million miles an hour with no shut off switch that worked. Her mind is in shock. You are not the person, she thought you were. She is grieving for what she thought she had. She wants the old version of her life. Her life intertwined with lies. She no longer has a sense of self-definition. She thinks, I loved him unconditionally but no one loves me unconditionally. Once that unconditional rug has been pulled out, by someone your trusted she is lost. IF she wants you; be there, if she wants you to back off; then back off. Keep remembering this about her and it seems like you do. There will be even more intense emotions thrown at you. You just have to stand there and take it, no way around it. That is the one of the ways you can say by actions - I"m standing by your side no matter what. You can't control her healing. Be prepared, if she fails boards she is going to blame you. Until she gets the results it is going to be worse. You will be blamed for everything even a dust ball on the floor. She can't help it, she can't control it. Just keep saying your sorry. Tell her you will make it up to her. Do not be defensive - you don't have a defense. Don't try to justify it - you don't have self-justifications. You go ahead and throw out anything that may reminder her of the OW. Don't wait for her to tell you. Couch, truck, chair, clothes, sheets etc... Tell her your nauseated by the thought of the OW if that is how you feel. Tell this is not her fault. Imagine she is in a deep well of dark desperation. She is questioning everything. She can see a little bit of light from you. Lock pinky fingers with her and try to pull her out a little at a time. You can do the one thing she can't do and that is make it right.

Be willing to make it right, do whatever it takes. She is thirsty for truth and understanding of why she was betrayed. That's it, it is that simple. If you hide from the truth that is like her drinking saltwater. You sound like kind of guy who can make it right. You will need to be thirsty for a clean conscious, clean slate, fresh start. You can get her through this.

Yeah thats most frustrating part is push and pull and its no like mad at her or defensive its more so mentally on myself.Things get a little better i feel the stress lift off me for a min and boom least expected and i just pick myself back up and keep pushing.Because i dont quit,i spent 15 yrs in fostercare multiple homes,jail,expelled from school and now run my own company.I do not give up and i REFUSE to give up on a disaster I CREATED.I will not allow her to fail boards,i will leave the home when she needs to study with the kids if i need to.She starts to fall im picking her up,as upset and devastated I am in myself and the pain I've caused her failure is not an option and after she wears herself out for boards im pick her back up.This is about her not me,i can push my feelings to the side.

I just want to take a minute to really thank everyone on here.The advice from both sides BS and WS had helped me honestly get a better grip on just everything.I've really dug deep and idk how im still operating TBH the load ive taken on,on top of a demanding job 10-11hrs a day but i keep pushing on.Reading alot your replies daily,i read this entire thread a couple times a day and its kept me at almost a peace? I guess it sounds weird.But in a sense its got me deternined and driven to keep going and stay level headed.The last couple days ive made sure she wants for nothing and as exhausted as i am and she sees im exhausted when she asks for something i do it with almost a fake smile because im worn out and ive seen the shift in her attitude.Shes been more talkative to me,wanting to spend time watching her shows.Before it was always dead silence now,ive kept mood light and keeping her smiling and joking.She still hides alot of pain but ive more so mentally shifted my mentality from trying to save my M to approaching it like we just started dating from scratch and trying to light flames that have been gone for years.I got a very very long road ahead,i know the rollercoaster isnt over but hearing your advice has really helped me put myself in her shoes.Ive taken alot of everyones advice and implemented it and i can see the shift with her.Im only 29 and have been with her since 16,so im still very young and learning about myself and hearing everyones words not sugar coated but blunt has definitley been keeping me afloat