SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I uncovered an affair my wife had 27 years ago, completely by accident a few days ago. Now it has brought our 34 year marriage into question.

A few years ago, my wife lost her Mother, and went a little crazy. She ended up purchasing a historic church in Wisconsin with the money she got from her Mother's estate. This was against my wishes, and it really upset the relationship to the point where I was considering divorce, but, decided to accept it and continue with the relationship, but, there was damage done when she went and bought property against my wishes, instead of using the money to help our struggling family.

I lost my Dad when he was the age of 58. My Grandfather also died at 58, so I've always told my family to enjoy me while they can, because we expire at 58 in my family. I turned 59 in December, and our oldest daughter organized a birthday cruise for me and the family to celebrate.

We took the cruise out of New Orleans, and an old friend there. We were at dinner talking and my wife, Jane, mentioned having camped on Anacapa island several years back, and meeting an author on the island who ended up writing about her and her friend in the book he was working on.

I suddenly flashed back to that time, and remembered getting an email from someone claiming to be that author who said that Jane had given him a blowjob out on the island. That, he had felt guilty and told his wife, who said he had to contact me and let me know what my wife had been up to.

At the time, I was the webmaster of a site that helped people leave an infamous religious cult, turned sex cult. The people on that site were all sexually and spiritually abused, and I thought it was one of them writing the email as a hoax. At the time, I deleted the email, and didn't even tell Jane I received it, because I thought she might think I took it seriously, and I didn't. I trusted her.

So, we were sitting there in New Orleans, years later, and I began to wonder if she really did blow that author out on the island. It began to eat away at me to the point where, that night, while she was sleeping next to me in the hotel, I downloaded the book to my iPad and read the chapter she was in. It started out where he referred to her as being like one of the Deer Mice on the island, but, by the end, she was this magnificent creature who was caring not only for an elderly sick mother but, a daughter with bipolar disorder. It seemed to escape the author that SOMEBODY was back home taking care of things, that somebody was me.

I began to wonder. If she would buy that church after a begged her not to, and told her I'd divorce her if she did. Would she blow a guy on a island?

We got on the cruise ship, and I kept obsessing, wondering if she gave the author a blowjob on Anacapa island years before. My birthday came, and we had a party with the family, and I thought, perhaps I might get at least one of those blowjobs that she was so fond of giving out. No such luck. She turned over to go to sleep, and I said, "Gee, I guess my birthday is over then?". She said, "I'll make it up to you". I was crushed.

The next day, I'd had enough. I decided to ask her about Anacapa. We were in the bedroom of our stateroom and I layed down so my head was toward the foot of the bed so I could see her face really well, and I told her that I had been holding on to something since we were in New Orleans, and I needed to talk about it.

I told her about the email, and she seemed legitimately stunned, and absolutely denied that anything had happened between her and the author.

I told her I was relieved, and that I believed her, and that I never thought the email was authentic. It came from a gmail account, and was porly written. I was sure it came from one of the cult members who was trying to cause trouble.

Then, I said something that would change my life forever....

I said, "Jane, I'm in the Convention Business, which is an excuse for people to go out of town and cheat on their husbands and wives. I just want you to know that over all those nights out of town on conventions, I never cheated on you. Never, not once".

She said, "Thank you", and looked back at her iPad.

Not, "thank you, I have't ever cheated either". Just "Thank you".

I sat back and thought, "Holy shit! maybe she didn't blow that guy on Anacapa, but, there is something".

Days went by on the ship, and I stewed in it. Finally, I asked her to come out on the balcony of the stateroom and told her that I needed to clear the air about something. I brought up the conversation from a few days before and asked her why she didn't respond to my declaration of never cheating with one of her own. She asked, "Do you really want to get into this here?". I said, "Yes".

She told me that back in 1991, when we had been married about eight years, she had an affair.

I asked her who it was with. She said, "Alex". I said, "Alex, your horse trainer for the Tevis Cup Race?", she said yes, it was that Alex.

I asked how long it lasted. She said "A year". I was crushed. I hoped maybe it was a drunken one night stand, but, no, she had a real affair for a year with somebody I knew and trusted.

I asked her why she did it. She said that I had become involved in online computing in the very early days in the 80s and 90s. I was running a Computer Bulletin Board System out of our home. I would come home after work and work on that for four to six hours a night, and she felt ignored. I was not providing her with the attention she craved, so she went and got it someplace else.

I asked her if she ever did anything like that again, and she said she had not.

I was totally confused by the entire story. I never once suspected anything was going on at the Endurance rides. They were hard work. Racing on horseback 25-100 miles in 24 hours. How in the hell did she find the energy to fuck this guy in that environment?

And, the guy. He was a desert rat type. Dirty. Long hair. Rotten teeth, that she once called me and asked if we could get one of them fixed on our credit card because he was in pain, and I agreed to it. He was older than both of us. Lived in a trailer in a hot, dusty town out in the desert.

I, on the other hand, was a successful businessman. I took a shower every day. Paid the bills. Was good to her and the kids. We owned a ranch stye home in the foothills above Los Angeles. We drove new cars, went on expensive family vacations.

What the fuck?

All of this happened around Christmas. Today is the first day after the New Years weekend, so we haven't been able to line up a Therapist. We should start in that this week, and begin sorting this out. I am just stunned. At first all I wanted to do was file for divorce, but, now I want to stick around at least for a while to try and understand exactly what happened here.

[This message edited by sundeco at 8:06 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

I am very sorry to hear your story. There is no "early" or "late" discovery of infidelity in a relationship, both hurt just as much. I am trying to understand if you wanted to confront your wife, hence bringing up the topic during the cruise. I understand you are in pain and confusion, but what is you plan, your next step? To see proof of true remorse? Do you suspect that she did it more than once? 27 years of marriage arriving to this point with hidden information getting unearthed is sad and must be traumatic for you. Sending you strength and patience. Experienced vets here will probably respond soon.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I had no intention of confronting my wife on the cruise. I was just sitting there before the cruise with our friends and the Anacapa thing came up.

What I noticed is I was suddenly able to question if she actually did something on Anacapa. Before I didn't even bring it up because I trusted her to the point where I considered her beyond reproach in that area. Why did I suspect something after all that time?

The church. She bought that church against my begging her not to do it, and that damaged my trust in her, and opened up space for me to question her about other things. I believe her that nothing happened on Anacapa, but, out of asking her that question, this other affair was uncovered, totally by accident.

She says she never did it again, though, after the affair, she travelled a lot without me. Rented a garage apartment in the next town over from the guy she had the affair with (this in recent years), stuff like that which now becomes more suspicious.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you're only aware of the tip of the iceberg at this point.

When dealing with her, just remember, she's an accomplished liar and has no problem deceiving you.

Also, she needs to realize that the status of your marriage is in YOUR HANDS alone. For a year, you had no say in her betraying your marriage. And now it's her turn to have no say in how you proceed in the marriage.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:16 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Consider asking her to do a polygraph. If you read the many, MANY heartbreaking stories on here you will see that it is quite possible that there is much more to her cheating story. She is a liar. Liars lie. You can't take her word for it that there was only one affair. Poly her and find out.

So sorry you're here sundeco. I found out because my wife's phone broke and I pre-emptively pulled the data from it through ADB and performed an undelete operation. What ever possessed me to undelete I don't know but found a thumbnail of her blowing some guy. I knew for a fact it was her cheating because I had never ever received a blowjob from her. She's had alot of sexual problems from abuse and was never willing to get help with it. She got help alright, with a 2x convicted child molester who used her to get women for him and they got into a swinger's lifestyle pretending to be spouses having swaps and multiples. Like you and using your words "beyond reproach" was the way I'd describe her. We went through several years of hell during that time and are in reconciliation now and have been for a year now. She has that gleam in her eyes again that I once saw. Just want you to know it can happen but with any infidelity, it can rewrite all history if you allow it to.

Specifically with the rental of the garage, you know there is a lot more. I think the church is what triggered you to the rental. It's amazing how clear 20/20 is in hindsight. You're smart enough to know the truth but didn't want to believe it because you held her on a pedestal of sorts. DON'T blame yourself though...

Regarding her cheating, its not your fault. Regardless of her "reason" she chose to do this on her on volition and she was not forced to. Cheaters try to use marital problems as their justification for cheating.

So she does need to come clean. You may need to reach out to some of these people for the truth if she doesn't give it to you. Marriage is built on trust, without trust, there is no foundation. Trust is rooted in truth. Till you get the truth, you won't be able to begin rebuilding trust.

Some other things specific to men. Its insulting to you that she screwed some man with his teeth falling out. Imagine how I felt when mine chose a 2x convicted child molester. He's better than me a man who was in the army, airborne, firearms instructor and penetration tester? I'm upper middle class, we don't want for much, have 4 wonderful children and get along great. Why would she choose a child molester? Its insulting, it makes you question your manhood, your pride is reduced to nothing and you could even question whether you're desired in general. Cheating re-writes your entire future and even generations. It wreaks havoc on our hopes and dreams and makes us wonder if we can ever feel the warmth of the sun on our face again.

I say those things to tell you that those feelings are normal. Don't stuff them or you'll become a walking timebomb like I did. I went over to that child molester's house with my 30'06 to take him out of this world. I didn't tell a soul before hand yet he skipped town.

Here are accomplishments that need to take place for reconciliation to even be entertained...

The truth must come out. She should write a timeline of her activities. I strongly caution you against details. Just high level... this person for this long. Do you want her re-living these escapades in her mind?

The spouses of OMs should be notified. They have a right to know no matter how long ago. (not a priority but a right thing to do)

For trust to rebuild accountability must be in place. Trust but verify. You'd do the same for a drug addict and she's addicted to cheating.

This includes changing phone numbers, email addresses, shutting down most all social media accounts, blocking OMs from FB if you allow her to keep FB, install parental/spy software on her electronics that allow you to see calls, chats, keystrokes, GPS coordinates etc... this should be remotely available to you at all times. Anytime she goes somewhere or changes location, she needs to contact you.

The stuff above seems extreme but it is only extreme to those who have never been cheated on. This is the best way to begin establishing trust. The trust you gained over 34 years is gone. You have memories of trust and shared lives and memories BUT that trust is lost. It cannot be regained, it can only be rebuilt. She has to know this isn't permanent but a very necessary step for you to establish trust. Most cheaters don't understand the importance of this and only see it selfishly but it really just boils down to what is she willing to do to help you trust her again? If she's not willing to bend over backwards then she really don't have much remorse for the effects of her behavior.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you asked for a complete timeline of the A? If the AP seems so completely out of character, she may be using that person as a cover for someone else. Just a thought. As others have said, cheaters are liars, so you will have a hard time determining the truth.

How has she acted towards you in regards to the A? From your description, it doesn't sound like there is much remorse. Sounds like she has moved on, it was a long time ago and it's not a big deal. But it doesn't sound like you believe that, and you shouldn't. Again, she is a liar, so I wouldn't believe the story that it never happened again. It may be true, but until you know better, don't assume it's true.

At first she acted like it wasn't a big deal because it was so long ago. Then she saw how I was reacting to it. We were basically trapped on a cruise ship for nine days, and I found out on day 3. I started sleeping in the couch of the stateroom and spent as much time away from her as possible while I tried to figure it all out with very little information.

She told me the affair centered around a horse race she was training for. He was her horse trainer. It started when they began to train for the race a year before, continued for that year and ended when the race ended.

She says that I was ignoring her, and she needed validation. She was so far out of his league, he must have thought he won the lottery. Like if Britney Spears showed up at my door asking to trade sex for me telling her she was pretty, has a nice body, dances and sings well... all the shit she should already know. Apparently, that's all it took.

I've been making a list of all the weird shit that has happened over the years. The travel without me. renting and buying property and going and staying at those properties without me.

She insists it was the only time she ever cheated, but, I'm having a hard time believing it at the moment.

[This message edited by sundeco at 12:19 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

The first thing you must do is see a lawyer to see where you stand. The second is to let her know that divorce is a real possibility.

Many betrayed spouses (BS) make the mistake of immediately jumping to save the marriage. That sends a bad signal. If you do something bad, get caught and there are no consequences then it’s reasonable to assume that what you did wasn’t that bad after all.

This was against my wishes, and it really upset the relationship to the point where I was considering divorce, but, decided to accept it and continue with the relationship, but, there was damage done when she went and bought property against my wishes, instead of using the money to help our struggling family.

Sundeco

You were almost ready to divorce her for buying the church. Now you find out about a terrible second thing. Why isn’t the second thing enough?

I've been making a list of all the weird shit that has happened over the years. The travel without me. renting and buying property and going and staying at those properties without me.

Sundeco

Believe me; I understand why you want to know what went on during those years. It’s like a murder mystery that you saw parts of. So go ahead and investigate but you already have more than enough.

At first she acted like it wasn't a big deal because it was so long ago.

Sundeco

Reading your wife’s history the one word that describes her is: entitled. Entitled to buy the church, entitled to have an affair and entitled for you to stay with her.

The bottom line is for you to be selfish. Do whatever is best for you. R or D. Don’t consider her at all.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:35 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

What I have told her is that I will take six months to do some marriage counseling and make a decision on if I am going to file for divorce or attempt to continue in the marriage after that. It will give me time to get a real picture of what happened.

The affair has me upset enough. But, what really gets me is that I knew something changed after that race, but, I didn't know this was why. The relationship was never the same again. It's when all the traveling started. We went from having sex 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a month, then 3-4 times a year. She didn't act like a wife anymore after that.

What I have told her is that I will take six months to do some marriage counseling and make a decision on if I am going to file for divorce or attempt to continue in the marriage after that.

sundeco

Go ahead and see a lawyer anyway. The first visit is often free. There may be some things that you need to get in order that will take time. She can empty your bank accounts or run up your credit cards.

But, what really gets me is that I knew something changed after that race, but, I didn't know this was why. She didn't act like a wife anymore after that.

Sundeco

Obviously I don’t know but this is my guess: The reason her low rent affair partner (AP) had a chance is because he was convenient (right place, right time). After the race he was no longer as convenient.

Plus, she realized that she could have an affair and totally get away with it. Pardon the expression, but that’s when she moved onto greener pastures and got more appropriate APs.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:55 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Hey sundeco -

Sorry to see you here among us.

My wife had an affair years ago and I only found about it 19-months ago. I know exactly what you're talking about in knowing something had gone horribly wrong, but not being able to know exactly what it was that changed.

A couple thoughts, as you mentioned, she downplayed it originally because only SHE knew what reality was. Part of the shock for my wife was discovering just how much pain she caused with her affair.

Our brains are amazing things, but based on my experience, it doesn't matter at all that the affair was years ago, it FEELS like last week. Because, we're just learning what our real reality is.

Another thing, there is a great chance that there is still more to the story. I think 99 percent of us experience the dreaded 'trickle truth' where the wayward spouse tries to downplay, mitigate and obfuscate to try put the best possible light regarding a selfish CHOICE they made.

Big question for you wife today is -- WHY would she NEED validation from someone other than you? Based on her claim, the next time she needs validation, she is going to find it somewhere else again.

Recovery is absolutely possible, but it can't start until you have as much of the truth as is available and she owns her poor choice and tries to understand her esteem issues that made her vulnerable to such poor choices.

She can't help the marriage heal until she accepts her responsibility and then she can find a way to help you heal the marriage.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:47 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

you do need her to write a timeline of all her affairs.

Then get a poly on the timeline.

She lied for years. She is still lying to you.

What is so special about that church? fond memories?

Have her get tested for stds. Also DNA your kids.

Do see any attorney to find out your rights.

is she remorseful? Several years of lack of sex, was she getting it somewhere else?

Does she want the D? or is she trying to talk you out of it.

has she read how to heal your spouse from your affair?

Watch her actions. not her words.

Sorry you are here.

"What I have told her is that I will take six months to do some marriage counseling and make a decision on if I am going to file for divorce or attempt to continue in the marriage after that. It will give me time to get a real picture of what happened."

How did she react to this statement?

"It's when all the traveling started. We went from having sex 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a month, then 3-4 times a year. She didn't act like a wife anymore after that."

I am sorry but this is a likely indication of her trying to create the opportunities to cheat at the expense of your M. And yes, we all can imagine that the possibility that she was having affairs did not cross the farthest corners of your mind.

Sorry again for what your WW has put you through after all these years.

It is very clear that there is much more to this story.

You need to accept that your wife is an adept liar and a cheat and you cannot believe ANYTHING that she says without verification.

This really sounds like the tip of the iceberg and that it is quite possible that you never really knew your wife at all. You married an illusion and gave this illusion a character that you have clung on to all these years.

Take your time to determine the truth if you must but do not fear getting divorced. It will make for a much better life for you going forward. Ask her if she woud take a poly and if she agrees, schedule one and go through with it. If she declines that will tell you all you need to know. You may even get a parking lot confession but go through with the poly anyway.

And start securing yourself with an attorney from a financial point of view. It could really start to get ugly as you are dealing with someone you do not really know. After all, you know how convincing actors can be and she has been playing a role.

The justification for the affair is complete nonsense as I am sure you know. Think more in terms of serious character flaws.

I'm sorry your here.

From what you've described of your wife, she seems very non-chalant about the A, ENTITLED, very selfish, disconnected, someone who lacks empathy and doesn't treat you with much respect. Not just about the affair either. Throw in a shitty sex life and I am not sure what is so special about her that you would want to stay with her?

If she is these things, that doesn't make for a very good candidate for R. It also leads me to believe that you've only gotten the tip of the iceberg. What other infidelities are out there she hasn't told you about?

Talk to your lawyer to figure out where you stand. I wouldn't tell her about it, she seems like someone that could easily try to set you up.

You might also ask her to prepare a timeline of her affair and any other inappropriate relationships she may have had in the past. She has one chance to give it all up for you to even consider R. Then schedule a poly. She lied to you for 25 years...she may still be lying to you.

A lot of folks recommend not making any quick or hasty decisions and to give yourself a few months to settle your feelings down. You've given her 6 months. Don't feel obligated to stick to that. She didn't stick to her vows, you really don't owe her squat.

To some guys, it is a deal-breaker and they are done. Nothing wrong with that.

"And start securing yourself with an attorney from a financial point of view. It could really start to get ugly as you are dealing with someone you do not really know. After all, you know how convincing actors can be and she has been playing a role."

You have no idea. I met her when I was directing Theatre. She's an Actress. I'm also a professional Actor, and I can usually tell when someone is "acting". But, she's very very good, and has fooled me for 27 years already.

To some guys, it is a deal-breaker and they are done. Nothing wrong with that.

The only reason I didn't get to a Lawyer the next day as I was stuck on the cruise ship. Then I got out and it was Christmas, then it was New Years and nobody seems to do anything in that space of time. I couldn't even get approved here until today. So, it's kind of the first day of the rest of my life.

For the first two days, I saw no other solution but divorce. Our kids are grown. We just sold our house, so I've got her half of the equity sitting in an account. The house we live in now I just inherited from my Mother, and it's not community property in California, plus it's still in her estate and could stay there indefinitely. If we were going to split, the planets seem aligned for it.

[This message edited by sundeco at 1:30 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

If it truly was the only time I would think she would be eager to take a poly to clear her name and put you at ease, but I suspect she will resist and try to discourage it . She might quickly agree to the poly just to throw you off and hope that you will drop it . Please follow through with it if you decide to do it though, otherwise you will never know for sure.

If it truly was the only time I would think she would be eager to take a poly to clear her name and put you at ease,

It will be interesting to see how she reacts to the request. I don't think it's unreasonable under the circumstances.