SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If we were going to split, the planets seem aligned for it.

Sundeco

Then divorce and live with her (if you must). Today living together without being married is main stream. You can even have kids and no one bats an eye.

What I will never understand is why a BS must remain legally married to their WS if they want to stay with them. They don’t deserve the protection or the stability that legal marriage provides. Their actions proved that. Demote them to girlfriend or boyfriend. They may be great in that role.

If they cheat again it will not hurt as much and you can just walk. I know it would make R much easier for me if my WS paid a concrete price. There would less reason for me to bring up their affair. We would be divorced and everyone would know why.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:39 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Then divorce and live with her (if you must). Today living together without being married is main stream. You can even have kids and no one bats an eye.

That's something I hadn't considered yet. We are past having children. At least she is. I'm 59 and she's 61. Dumbshit was set for life. I have a big union pension that I set up to get smaller payments out of so when I died she would get 100% of it the rest of her life. Now I'm thinking about making my Daughter the beneficiary. This was just a really stupid thing to be going through right now.

Sundeco

Tell me, does she seem remorseful for what she has done. More specifically, does she seem to feel bad that this has hurt you so? Does she care about that?

Does she seem willing to do things to fix what she has done? Does she even think she did anything wrong?

Thanks

At first, she was just pretty matter of fact about it. After she saw how it absolutely crushed my soul to get that unexpected news, she began to take it more seriously. I reacted to this like I did when my 18 year old brother drove off a cliff, it wasn't pretty.

She has had 27 years to explain this away, blame me, act like it never happened, etc. She's really just starting to get how serious it is, and that something she did in 1991 might end her marriage in 2018. It's a very strange thing to be dealing with.

She must be some piece of (entitled) work to just expect (even initially) you to "accept" this since it was "so long ago" and after all, she did have the stress of having to train for a race with this guy, so it is the least she could do - she needed sex and he was there (and you were not)!?!?!?!? Simply unbelievable. And she simply provided you with the information when you asked, huh!

This is not going away. Its going to eat at you and the fact that she only showed some concern when you had to make her understand that it really upset you just makes it worse.

Ask yourself this and be truthful: what value do you get from her being around you. I would suspect not very much. She sounds like your Class A "taker" and you seem to be a "giver". Not good for you.

For me this would be quite simple: dump her cheating ass! At 59 you're still desirable - at 61, her not so much!

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 1:43 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

Wow, so sorry...

First, let's get some items out of the way...

1st >>I asked her why she did it. She said that I had become involved in online computing in the very early days in the 80s and 90s. I was running a Computer Bulletin Board System out of our home. I would come home after work and work on that for four to six hours a night, and she felt ignored. I was not providing her with the attention she craved, so she went and got it someplace else.

2nd >>She says that I was ignoring her, and she needed validation.

3rd >> What I have told her is that I will take six months to do some marriage counseling and make a decision on if I am going to file for divorce or attempt to continue in the marriage after that. It will give me time to get a real picture of what happened.

Okay, her reason are all Bull sh!t... cheaters blame everyone and everything else but themselves. Cheating is not about you or marriage issues as it is about what is broken in the cheating spouse. Do not take the blame not any percent of it.

This leads me to the last statement of you want to see what happened... I take this as trying to ask her more...NO you are then letting her lead you... putting the cart in front of the horse... you must now set the terms and as others stated in so many words, show her how serious you are with getting an attorney and etc. I also agree, for your situation of finding out much later, a polygraph just might be what is needed and she must seek counseling to then hopefully finding real remorse as to find out how she could be so selfish and deceitful (a year at minimum) where she takes the full blame. Her responses show that she has no remorse and is deflecting and blaming you... adding further insult.

Again, very sorry you are here, cheers.

[This message edited by atreides at 4:01 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

The affair has me upset enough. But, what really gets me is that I knew something changed after that race, but, I didn't know this was why. The relationship was never the same again. It's when all the traveling started. We went from having sex 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a month, then 3-4 times a year. She didn't act like a wife anymore after that.

I don't understand why you waited till now to reach your breaking point.

But she's obviously lying about it only happening once and not being a big deal.A meaningless short term fling wouldn't have altered your relationship in such a cruel way.

Is there anything to save at this point?She gave you scraps for all these years.She obviously didn't love you for so long, what's the point now?

[This message edited by xrnpc at 7:00 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

I'm another in the mindset this might not have only been her only indiscretion. She might have come off matter of fact but she was also most likely gauging your reaction as well. If she does have any other skeletons in her closet, she probably won't be inclined to be forthcoming. But again that is speculation on my part. Would really recommend a polygraph. The parking lot confessions alone are worth the cost.

[This message edited by JS84 at 9:30 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

I am sorry you are going through this. You are getting such solid advice. I am not going to give you any right now. Just want to let you know I will be praying for you and your family through this hard time. Affairs are such tragic events in our lives. Make sure you take care of yourself physically and mentally. Make sure you eat and exercise. Get some IC for yourself as well.

I am sorry you are going through this. You are getting such solid advice. I am not going to give you any right now. Just want to let you know I will be praying for you and your family through this hard time. Affairs are such tragic events in our lives. Make sure you take care of yourself physically and mentally. Make sure you eat and exercise. Get some IC for yourself as well.

Thank you. I appreciate the support. I was already diagnosed with PTSD before I got this news. She is lucky I didn't go over the side of the ship and drag her over with me.

I'm sorry for what you are going through but I have to say that you cannot believe her at all. At a minimum she gave that BJ. Think about it. From what you say how would someone else know that she was camping at that particular place with that particular person being there and send you that as a hoax. Was someone following her or did you somehow advertise that she would be there and then the author also advertised that he would be there? The coincidences there are just too strong. So she lied to you again, just now, not 27 years ago.

You mentioned she bought a church against your begging her not to do it and that damaged your trust in her.

I don't see how this damages trust. She used money from her mom's estate, which was her right to do. She was under no obligation to do what you asked. Yes, it was against your wishes, but gently here, you are not the boss of her, and it was her money.

I don't know the details of course regarding your 'struggling family' situation. I got the (possibly mistaken) idea that your kids were grown and out of the house, and your employment brought in a decent salary. I could be wrong, of course, but that's what I got from reading your posts and your responses.

As for your big union pension and what happens if you pre-decease your wife, if it's anything like my pension, that selection for a beneficiary can only be changed as part of a divorce decree. I researched this after my own DDays. YMMV.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You'll be getting lots of good advice.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 11:09 AM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

P.S. It may not be such a good idea to post your real name and your website under your profile. I understand you might do this because of the industry you're in and getting press is a good thing, and yet I caution you against it.

P.S. It may not be such a good idea to post your real name and your website under your profile. I understand you might do this because of the industry you're in and getting press is a good thing, and yet I caution you against it.

I'm new to the site, hence the "Just found out" message. I had no idea what would be posted in the profile when I signed up. I have changed it, thank you for calling it to my attention.

No, I'm not here looking for publicity, and you are an asshole for suggesting that. Not every Actor is famous, or even working. I mentioned that to illustrate that she and I have both had training on how to say things in a convincing manner that aren't true.

I don't see how this damages trust. She used money from her mom's estate, which was her right to do. She was under no obligation to do what you asked. Yes, it was against your wishes, but gently here, you are not the boss of her, and it was her money.

Ummmm, with all due respect. I completely disagree. What if he went and bought a sports car with "his money". OR, if they D then would she be entitled to any alimony from Sundeco?

After all, it's his money.... Somehow I don't think his WW is going to be OK with not getting any of his pension.

I'm sure that wouldn't have been OK for him to do and it's certainly would not be OK in my opinion for her to do either. Married couples are supposed to work together towards marital goals, one of them hopefully being able to retire some day. It's just more proof her her broken, selfish mindset.

Gutpunch33, California is a community property state.

A bequeathment to an individual is legally considered sole and separate property from marital assets.

Aside from this^^^, in California, there is no "his money" or "her money" as all monies, properties, investments, etc., are marital assets.

No, I'm not here looking for publicity, and you are an asshole for suggesting that.

(((((sundeco)))))

Thank you for clarifying.

I understand you're hurt and angry.

Name-calling (i.e. "you are an asshole") may either be indicative of a bigger issue, or perhaps just a vent. Whatever the impetus for this, I forgive you.

How would a cultist even know about your wife's trip to this island? Or that she met this author? I think you're being a little foolhardy believing this BJ never happened.

Cheaters often blame their spouses. Some of the reasons they use are ridiculous, but they don't see they're just justifying being selfish.

I would wager your wife told you about her first affair because she is thoroughly convinced she deserved to do it. Now, given your reaction, she is questioning it. Has she cheated on you throughout the years? Possibly. Will she ever tell you the truth? Probably not. She's had nearly 3 decades to convince herself she's justified in stepping out.

Lots of people experience downturns in their marriages without cheating. You're living proof! Unfortunately, your wife is not. If you're set up to file for divorce, quietly get things done while you attend counseling. Good luck.

Hope2b

Name-calling (i.e. "you are an asshole") may either be indicative of a bigger issue, or perhaps just a vent. Whatever the impetus for this, I forgive you.

Whatever the impetus... what actor wants the world to know he was cheated on??? Stop with the passive aggression and stick to helping, which you've provided some good stuff.

sundeco, please be very cautious about your finances. If a house was sold and you both received a percentage... it may not matter depending on the state you live in. She could spend her entire half and you save it then your half is split at divorce.

Point is, you really do need some legal advice.

I also am not on the bandwagon to say D her but I don't know her like you do. It is a hard decision either way and we'll support you both ways.