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Since D-Day (3rd Nov) I have been struggling with increased anxiety/panic attacks. I don't have a history of this, so it has come as quite a schock to me (and to my WW)

It all came to a bit of a head again last night, (it's always so much worse at night) - I was uncontrollably shaking and sobbing, angry, ,confused, tachycardic.... basically in pieces, and unable to process any form of rational thought.

My WW tries to be helpful when it happens, but all I want when I get in this state is for her to be as far away from me as possible, and if she tries to touch me to comport me it makes me even worse.I'm concerned she's begininng to 'lose her patience' with me being this way, but it's something I can't control; despite me being able to write candidly about it in th 'cold light of day'.

We've been in MC from very early after D-Day, and I'm begininng IC tomorrow.

Do others have similar experiences? Does it ever go away? I appreciate it's still very early from discovery...

Anxiety is normal. It doesn’t feel like it, especially during an attack, but it is. It’s your mind and heart coping with stress.

When an attack hits, try your best to distract yourself with another healthy and safe activity. It sounds like going for a walk might be a possibility for you. It will put the physical distance between you and WW while your in the attack.

When you’re calm, explain to WW what you said here so she has some warning as to why you need to distract or remove yourself from her presence during an attack.

The anxiety will lessen in severity and duration but it takes time. The sooner you pick up healthy coping skills, the better.

Remember to tell your IC about them, in detail. It will be part of your recovery.

I think everyone in your situation has major anxiety/stress. Some people's bodies handle it differently. If your WW is starting to "lose her patience", that is her problem, not yours. She caused this situation, not you. Hopefully your counselor can help with this.

Any thoughts on what triggers these moments?

Any thoughts on what triggers these moments?

There doesn't seem to be a noticeable pattern unfortunately, other than time of day (mostly happens in the late evening) - I guess some of it could be down to tiredness?

Being tired might be a factor. Do you drink enough? how is your blood sugar?

Bdc,

I am about 6 1/2 months from DDday and still experience frequent bouts of anxiety (which seem to peak when we discuss the affair). My WW has been very emotionally and physically supportive but conversations are hard and it is still easy for her to get upset or emotional about the A. She still encourages me to tell her when I'm struggling, regardless of the shame that she feels when she talks about it. It has gotten better over the past few months and I can foresee a time when it may happen rarely if at all. I don't expect to ever fully get over it, just adapt and hope to have a happy marriage despite her mistake. Hang in there. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

BDC

Just a small comment. Work on you and don’t be concerned about if she will “lose patience” with you. You have a lot of healing to do. If she is not ALL IN to help with that healing then she is not Reconciliation material. It is her that should be worried that you will lose patience with her, not the other way around.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:30 PM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

I have had mild anxiety for most of my life. The A brought out the anxiety attacks with a force like I'd never experienced. Shaking, racing heart, etc. I actually went to the psychiatrist two weeks after DDay because I knew that if I didn't get my anxiety under control I wouldn't be able to recover. I literally could not function. I got a prescription for Klonapin but realized quickly that all it did was make me tired. So I tried alcohol. This also made me tired (and drunk). Neither actually helped in the long run. The only thing that lessened the anxiety was to actually feel it, sit with it, perhaps journal it, and then push forward.

I started EMDR with my IC last week to work on the anxiety that comes from triggers. Though we haven't actually started the EMDR, we've started the prep, which includes visualizing a "safe place". Having a "safe place" I can go to in my mind has actually been the best help so far. A little like meditation. You might try that or discuss it with your IC when you go.

As to your wife and her patience? Honestly, she needs to have an endless supply of patience after what she has brought on you. In the beginning, my WH would get frustrated when I railed at him. Thought he still needed to defend himself. Still found blame in our marriage for his actions. It took a few months, but he finally let that need go and really just listened to me. Let me vent. Held me if I wanted. Stayed away if I wanted. She needs to ask YOU what you need to help you through these attacks. It's honestly the LEAST she can do. She may be still stuck in the Wayward thinking, but hopefully she is starting IC or is in it?

Once my WH started actually processing with his IC, it's been a huge help in our R. He no longer associates any problems in our marriage prior to the A to his cheating. He takes FULL responsibility for his actions. He sees where he is broken and is trying to fix himself. To love himself. He is literally changing every behavior and really looking at what is important. His whole outlook on life and his faith have been under re-construction. If he was still stuck in that place of impatience and blame, I wouldn't be in R anymore. But it did take a while - probably 6 months - for these changes to really start becoming evident in our conversations about his A. I hope your wife gets there too.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:28 PM, January 3rd (Wednesday)]

If you're worried she might lose patience perhaps your subconscious is telling you she isn't all-in and she isn't becoming safe(r) for you.

Is she in I.C.?

It sounds like you have some historical experience with axiety/panic attacks. So you probably know that the best way to "ride them out" is to concentrate on your breathing and increase your Co2 -- breathe into your belly, 4 counts in through your nose, hold for 4 counts, breathe out slowly and controlled through your mouth for 8 counts. The other thing is to stay hydrated, and this is how your wife can have a "role" -- go get you a glass of water.

By the end of the day, your body's been working through the accumulation of stress of several hours. Very normal, if you're prone to them, to experience at the end of the day. Of COURSE, go talk to your doctor. ASAP!

In my first MC session two weeks ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder as a result of the affair. Same for panic attacks.

Hypnotherapy helped me. Made a list this weekend of all the things that I value about myself. IC did not really help me in that regard, but it was over the phone and only 3 sessions so perhaps in a different scenario it would have helped. She did actually tell me of something that is a natural product they sell at Sprouts that can help with anxiety... I didn't end up going to look for it. I have it in my notes somewhere. message me if want me to look it up for you. Or just go to Sprouts and ask them.

Update to this:

I visited my doctor Friday last week. He has prescribed me with Sertraline for my anxiety/panic attacks....I haven't yet started taking them, as I'm scared if I'm honest. I will take his advice, I just need time to get my head around the fact I need medicating because of the way my WW has treated, and continues to treat me.

I'm finding my IC is helpful with letting vent my anger and frustration in a 'safe environment', so that's a poisitve comment at least. I do know that I have a LONG road ahead of me though, and am feeling particularly low today

I have had a lot of anxiety in the past due to the infidelity . There were days I could barely function. I had difficulty sleeping. All this had an affect on my health. Don’t let it do that to you.

I eventually starting seeing a functional medicine dr. She put me on Rhodiola. Which is a natural adaptogen to help my body deal with the stress. I also saw Alternative therapist. He taught me to do EFT. There are books on Amazon and articles on the Internet about EFT ( emotional freedom Tapping )you can easily do it at home.

I have also read that when you have such thoughts or anxiety to squeeze your non-dominant hand into a fist for about 10 seconds and it helps activate the opposite side of your brain to help you deal with those thoughts.

If you are afraid to take the anti-depressant/ anxiety medicine I would discuss this with your doctor. There is no shame in taking these. It shows strength that you reached out for help.

Early on my doctor prescribed me some medication. But I had an allergic reaction to it. I broke out in hives although I did feel much better mentally.

Remember to take care of yourself. Don’t let her manipulate how you are supposed to feel. They are your emotions feelings. They are neither right or wrong.

I have read many times on here that the BS will analyze, and analyze to try to figure out, to try to make sense of what happened

D-Day #2 - Feb 2018 Massive bombshell

I need medicating because of the way my WW has treated, and continues to treat me.

Oh bdc, no wonder you're having anxiety attacks.

If you have anxiety about taking anti-anxiety meds, definitely consider alternative therapy options - they do work (as EmotionalHell noted). The pharma drugs can be addictive. I found EMDR helpful. Aromatherapy is awesome. And frankly, bdc, I think you just need some time to yourself. I'm not saying to S or D, but retreat to a room/place for a few hours when you can and get yourself a diffuser, some good quality essential oils, a good book or a funny movie and just try to escape for a bit.

I'm so sorry...I know anxiety all too well - I have PTSD (infidelity and non-infidelity related) and I have found the natural route much better than the medicated one...JMHO.

I was just coming to say what Lala Girl did...you just had another bombshell. What does your WW expect? Your body is reacting out of fear and as if it is not safe. You go into fight/flight and can't seem to get out. It's this constant state of arousal of your nervous system. It's terrible. I shook for six weeks straight after dday. It was very scary to me.

When I have this problem, I try meditation if I can (if it's at home or not full blown). There are guided apps -- Calm or Headspace. Look into those. Try them. I promise it helps. When I felt like running away, I would walk around. It was usually in the middle of the night then, so I walked in circles around my house to release the energy. Breathing is definitely important. Also, they say that rubbing up and down on your arms helps or rocking back and forth. There is a lot to do with the back and forth moving (and tapping of EFT, as well) that calms down your nervous system.

I know you are scared and wanting it to stop. It will--over time. When your WW becomes a safe partner to you, this will all lessen or go away. Is she in IC? Is she answering your questions and doing things to help you feel safe? The TT is brutal and sends you right back to square one. How can you feel safe if you are constantly worrying about another bombshell?

We are here to support you.

Dem

Hi bdc I feel your pain

Anxiety and panic attacks are awful leave you more emotional and physically drained.

Mine got so bad I eventually had to go on meds just to function at work and yes they did help to a certain extent. 6 months later the doctor weaned me off them at my request.

So do they stop? I'm 20 months out and still have them although less frequent and less severe. I can usually get a grip before it becomes a problem.

Take the meds even if it's for a short time while you process the pain.

Sending strength take this one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time.

I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I’m over two years out, and have the same issues. Every single night, I freak out when going to sleep.

I have panic attacks when going to sleep, being in the shower, and when leaving the house.

My counselor also diagnosed me with GAD. What she believes, and it makes sense to me, is it is triggered by feeling vulnerable. Situations where I lose the ability to protect myself to the extent I feel I need to.

In sleep, we can’t be on guard.

In the shower, our clothes are off, which makes all of us feel more vulnerable. In addition, you can’t hear or see what is going on around you.

When you leave the house, you are entering a place that “isn’t scouted out”, and there’s a lot more to take in.

I can’t get to sleep without my wife holding me from behind. It’s a nightly ritual. We both turn over, and she presses up against me. When we aren’t together for whatever reason, I have to turn crossway on the bed, and put my back against the headboard. I absolutely cannot sleep with my back exposed.

Yes, I was the calmest person around before DDay. After Dday, I had panic attacks. My WH wanted to take me to the hospital a few times.

My body would shake and hyperventilating.

I am almost about 2.5 years from last panic attack but I now have anxiety. Actually, I now have a disease- which was a direct result of DDay, and one of the side effects of having it is constant anxiety and rapid heart rate.

Yes, I think this is quite normal. I'm so sorry you are dealing with it. It's AWFUL.

And yes, it does get better. Talk to your IC about strategies to stop the adrenal rush to your system during a panic attack. That was the best thing I ever did. When you use your 5 senses the adrenal rush slows and stops. It's been a great coping mechanism for me.

As far as using meds goes, do whatever you have to now to take care of YOU. My Dr. prescribed Xanax as needed for anxiety when she first saw me about a month after Dday. I was a MESS. I never took it, but it was helpful to know it was there if I needed it.

You're right that it's so unfair that we, the BS have to take meds, and fight for our lives and health, due to a decision made without our permission or knowledge. It's one of the hardest things to deal with.

I hope you are feeling better.

Hope no-one minds me posting another update....

My last 2 IC sessions have been such a release for me on so many levels. I've been able to express my feelings of anger/hatred for the OM, and to a degree my WW, in a controlled non-judgmental environment, and at the moment this is something I really need to be able to do...my anxiety has definitely been better this last couple of days. This may be being assisted by the IC and techniques I'm being 'taught' to aid me when I feel the panic building-up in me. I still haven't begun taking the meds however....