SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last night I said we need to split up.

A happened 18 years ago and WW only told me in Sept 16. I have, in my gut known since 2000 and it has wrecked me. The main thing we had together was this unbreakable bond. Me and her. But she threw that away.

I see no future for us. I don't want a future with her any more. We have kids which were born during the time I was being lied to. I feel awful about that but on the flip side, it's just living another lie to go on for their sake. I don't want any more lies in my life.

I don't know what to think this morning. I feel sick. The words just came out of me last night and I couldn't stop them. I am trying to be kind. WW is devastated.

I just don't want the same life she does and I can't live any more pretending to be friends with someone who hurt me so badly for so long. I just can't do it any more. I'm broken and I can't rebuild while she is around because she takes it all away from me all the time.

Sorry for the rant. I never thought we would come to this. I guess nobody ever does.

Strength to you.

Sorry for the rant.

Rant all you want. We are here for you. (((hugs)))

The great thing about SI is there is a forum here to support whatever decision you make.

For some folks, it is a clear dealbreaker. There is no right or wrong, you do what is right for you.

I made the mistake of continuing to try (and try and try). It accomplished nothing but more heartache and wasted years. So I admire you for recognizing that something necessary to you was killed and you need to act accordingly.

Have you been to IC? If not, I would suggest it regardless of your path. Your WW rocked your inner core and you don't want to carry those effects to possible other relationships down the road.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Yes, I have been it IC thanks. It has brought me around to realizing that I am worth something and that sometimes, things are just broken. I feel much better in myself. Better than for many years and I'm just working out that the big negative in my life is her. She says she will change but I don't want that. I don't want someone in 20 years time saying I did all this for you and gave up this and that and now look. I'm not going down that road. I don't want to spend 20 years working on my 'trust issues' with her. I haven't got enough life left and I've wasted about half of it on this already.

I'm done with it. As painful as it is, I am done. I just hope we can work it out in a kind way to our kids.

Thanks for the words.

Lawyerman,

I remember reading your first post in JFO. I can't imagine having to try and piece together 18 years of living in someone else's lie. Few people outside of the SI community could understand how much something like that completely destroys your sense of reality, believing the world was one way, when in fact it was completely different.

Yes, she threw it away. I could maybe forgive a short term A that happened a few months ago. But to try and untangle such a twisted web of lies sounds awful, unbearable.

No one would blame you if this is a deal breaker.

Rant away. We're here for you.

So the next stage seems to be:

Please don't do this. I can change.

I say 'I'm really sorry but it's not me who made this choice. I gave you a red line early in our relationship and you crossed it anyway. YOU threw it away then. I told you I would probably not be able to deal with cheating and although I've really tried, I don't think I can. I think I was right. '

It's not only the cheating, it's everything else. We are just not compatible any more and she controls everything. Tells me what I think. What to eat, how much I can drink etc. etc. But she is desperate to stay with me. She can't live without me apparently. I'll tell that to Dave, her OM next time I give hem a call.

I just don't think she can change enough at this point and if she did, she would end up bitter.

Anyway ,now I'm the bad guy as it's ME who is splitting us up. Although she says she won't, I know she'll twist this in her head to go full guns blazing after the assets of my business which will end up costing me and probably our children a fortune. I'm not quite sure how to answer the question as technically it is me and I know she's telling people our story in a way that makes me out to be a nutcase.

Good this innit?

They ALWAYS make themselves out to be the victim. Because in their effed up minds, they are. They're narcissists. Search up "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and "Borderline Personality Disorder" if you haven't already done it.

Her victim mentality, controlling behavior, and manipulation is pretty textbook. Divorce isn't going to be easy and leaving will be a difficult process. She'll morph into a thousand different people to keep you on her hooks.

I'm fearing that too. Mine isn't as malicious.....yet. But that shit could all go south at any time.

Typical WS behavior. All full of contrition when you say you're done, but once the wheels of D start moving, their inner ugliness comes shining through in all its blazing glory. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

I was the bad guy, too. Why? Because cheating was a dealbreaker for me, I had told Xhole that repeatedly through our M from day 1, and he crossed that line (though I didn't know for over 15 years). My kids know I pulled the plug, but they don't fault me in the least. I learned that instead of feeling bad about being the "bad guy" I take personal pride in knowing that my personal standards were never lowered, and HE was the bad guy for violating that rigid, well-known standard. In other words, I remained true to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am still sad about my (at the time) dreams of the future and marriage being destroyed, but I also know that it was all because of his choice to cross that line. I bear no burden of guilt for that, and I was just forced to be the one to clean up the mess he created. That clean up process included putting myself first for a change. I couldn't live the lie any longer and pretend all was wonderful in marital land.

You will get there too, but it takes time. Baby steps as you navigate the likely impending ugliness. We will be here for you every step of the way!

Lawyerman,

I feel so bad for you right now as I can really see the pain in your posts.

No one hear will fault you for pursuing a divorce... you don't owe her or the marriage anything at this point, you only owe things to yourself and children.

I think it's important you embrace the 180 (I'm sure you got that advice in JFO), but it's important that you reach a point where you are confident (not necessarily happy, and probably not 100% confident) in your decision.

Assuming you aren't trying to R or save your marriage, it's also time to maybe modify how you approach your stbxww. JADE ... don't justify, argue, defend, or explain... well, I think it's fine to explain any decisions with a "I've thought long and hard about this, and I believe this is the best way forward for me and our children". Leave it at that... you don't need to explain the whys, since it's no longer her job to help you heal or heal the marriage. It's your job to work on yourself.

It's okay to be an emotional wreck inside, but hopefully going forward you can find a way to deal with stbxww in a way that keeps you sane, and also keeps her from going nuclear in the divorce.

One thing, and this is a tough one, at some point you have to accept that the cost of divorcing requires dividing the assets that your state considers community. May also include spousal support. It's a shit sandwich to swallow, but no-fault states stay out of the morality of infidelity, cheating, etc. So the same laws that protect betrayed spouses in a divorce will protect cheating spouses as well.

But if you can show separate property interests (i.e. pre-marriage investments) in your business, you can hopefully separate those out from the settlement.

I completely relate to you. I just decided the last few days to divorce.[Yes, I have been it IC thanks. It has brought me around to realizing that I am worth something and that sometimes, things are just broken. I feel much better in myself. Better than for many years and I'm just working out that the big negative in my life is her. She says she will change but I don't want that. I don't want someone in 20 years time saying I did all this for you and gave up this and that and now look. I'm not going down that road. I don't want to spend 20 years working on my 'trust issues' with her. I haven't got enough life left and I've wasted about half of it on this already.

I'm done with it. As painful as it is, I am done. I just hope we can work it out in a kind way to our kids.

this is exactly why I want to be done and find peace. I wish you peace too!

I completely relate to you. I just decided the last few days to divorce.[Yes, I have been it IC thanks. It has brought me around to realizing that I am worth something and that sometimes, things are just broken. I feel much better in myself. Better than for many years and I'm just working out that the big negative in my life is her. She says she will change but I don't want that. I don't want someone in 20 years time saying I did all this for you and gave up this and that and now look. I'm not going down that road. I don't want to spend 20 years working on my 'trust issues' with her. I haven't got enough life left and I've wasted about half of it on this already.

I'm done with it. As painful as it is, I am done. I just hope we can work it out in a kind way to our kids.

this is exactly why I want to be done and find peace. I wish you peace too!

Asset wise it could be a real problem. It will be 50/50 and in a fire sale, it will not be good tax wise. She may force that. It would be awful for our kids who I hoped would inherit the family wealth and they can in full if we do it right. For various reasons, if it gets sold while I own it, the tax man will take a huge chunk.

Problem is she says she is not going to do that but I am well aware that her opinion may change. She's already asking why she should move out of our home. It's legally my house and she is the WW. So she is already thinking on what she can get out of me.

Let me be clear. She has put a lot into our marriage as well as wrecking it so I don't want her to be left high and dry. I just can't pay her out right now so I suspect it's going to end badly. Sitting here by the fire, with a glass of wine, that seems OK to me if that is what has to be.

When the rubber hits the road all their promises to not be nasty go out the window. Prepare for her to try to hose you as badly as she can.

I'm right there with you Lawyer man. I want to be done so bad! Things are different for us financially and that's what's slowing me down. I haven't been working for almost 2 years because he and I decided we need to focus on one of our 4 children that was having some difficulty. But I'm job hunting now and hope to be working by February. Just wanted to offer my support and good wishes that the D goes as smoothly and quickly as possible for you.

I feel for you Lawyerman.

STBXWH and I have run businesses together for our whole 32 years

It's been really hard to realise and then progress liquidation of business assets.

All whilst in IHS (in house separation).

I'm trying my hardest to be civil in order to sort this crap out and salvage enough to live on.

Damn, this infidelity shit is hard.

Sending you strength and patience.

Keep posting!

MOB

She has been to see her mother and I got the tail end of a conversation which essentially said she is going to take me to the cleaners. At the same time begging me not to do this and also refusing to change much. Fact is, it could end up very badly right now if I pull the trigger on this.

I am done with us but I don't know if I need to play along for a little longer until I can get some advice of my own and get things in better order. I feel so trapped that I am ready to just run but I also know that it would cost me a small fortune. Maybe this time I'll be the scheming one. Everything is legally in my name but in court, it could all be awarded to her a the end of the day. Sounds awful but I can already hear her friends calling for my blood and she will totally go along with that and throw all reason out of the window, whatever the cost. She's already told me I'm the same as 2 other guys we know who have left their wives. Both of them were WH. She is a WW so how does that work? Narcissist?

Lawyerman, have you hired a CDFA? I didn't even know this specialty existed until I was referred to a financial planning group that has one. Her job for me right now is to work with my attorney during divorce to make sure I get the best split for my tax and investing future. Especially with the new tax laws. Spousal support is a nightmare for the paying party. If she will go after support, you can no longer deduct! There were other issues they brought up that no one had thought of.

I see your financial concerns. I'm betting you'll look at the overall picture and do what's right for you and the kids. Strength to you!

I believe I need to look at some sort of post-nup as has been suggested here many times. I'll sign the house over to her as long as she can never come after me for the rest. It's so unclear what would happen but where I am (not US) the courts can award what they like to who they like if kids are involved and this often favours the mother.

This may not be an approved SI strategy, but why not back off for now and get your ducks in a perfect, orderly row first? I know how much this sucks but better to suffer a little more now than a whole lot later.

Good luck to you.