SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Then do it. Go through with the poly. Don't be surprised if she gives you more information at the last second or starts questioning the validity of the exam. Many people here have a WS that insists on the poly thinking that their partner will not actually make them go through with it. If she confesses anything right before, still go through with it. I wouldn't promise that passing it guarantees that you are going to stay either but failing certainly means you are not.

No matter what happens I would still get the marriage dissolved and annulled. Why? To just start over if nothing else.

Also the way you describe her emotions and what she says is very concerning. She is still blaming someone other than herself for what happened. She is an adult. She did all of these things with her eyes wide open. She shouldn't be allowed to get away with blaming the AP. I would stop her every time she did that and say I didn't want to hear it. Until she is truly remorseful I wouldn't want to date her much less be married to her.

With consideration to everyone’s comment, I think I will just start taking care of myself and leave her in the very back of my mind. Basically start living life without even thinking about her. Get an annulment at church is on the priority list. Will worry about the legal aspect of it in the near future. I just need to get to an emotionally safe place . Any resources like books that I can read to ease the pain? Or find more clarity in my situation?

Please do at least one other thing even if you don't dissolve the marriage. Get some agreement with her about how you will manage finances during this period. You don't want a surprise debt showing up on your credit.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry for what you have been through and what is to come.

From my mother passing away when I was 6 yo, to the passing of my sister and nephew, this pain that I am experiencing is a million folds compare to my past tragic situations. I am having such a hard time coping, I had so much love and trust for her and the last person in the world I thought will do this and she did it in the worst possible way. If you ask everyone that knew us, like most other stories, everyone would never guess it would be my wife that will betray me. I was literally so good to her. I had my fair share of imperfections but I literally moved heaven and earth to make her happy. Even giving her the wedding if her dreams. And now here I sit eating the biggest shit sandwich I have ever seen. I know other member have it a lot worse, kids, older in age, maybe even an illness involved but somehow I still feel a tremendous amount of anguish. How long will I feel like this?

Strengthserenity, if you edit your first post and break it into paragraphs more people might read it.

Any person that will go into a marriage while secretly having sex with another married person is an insane sick fuck. I don't see how you will ever get past this, no matter how much she is pretending to be all in. She still sees herself as a victim. Of what? Raging hormones.

Man, it's your call, but seriously, do you want this anvil around your neck for the next 45 years? Wtf for?

She sounds like a liar, user, drama queen and a coward. Do not even think anything other than you have discovered the hard way that you are living with a self worshipping demented soul. Yeah, so now she is sorry. She will never betray you until somebody else comes along.

How can you work on an emotional relationship with someone else when you can't even work on your own emotions as an individual?

Folks here at SI don't even suggest dating a new women until you heal.

I think you have a lot of healing to do in order to have a healthy relationship.

Your wife isn't helping so you are on your own.....heal as an individual then look at starting a relationship....either with your old spouse or with some one new.

Just like your wife....you need to heal and fix your self as an individual from this trauma.

Who knows, it could work out and you guys remarry or she doesn't work on her self and falls back into unhealthy behaviors and choices.

Come on man this isn't some 18 year old kid getting molested by an adult teacher....she is a 30yr old grown women who made a choice and needs to heal her broken self.

Again you (and her) need to heal as individuals before ever thinking about having a healthy relationship.

According to your wife's logic she can be manipulated by someone with authority....which means all her future bosses, doctors and head nurses that she has to answer to in her future job/jobs.

I'm with the camp that says bail....to much disrespect from this one and so early on in the marriage.

My #1 question during the poly would be is this the only time/person she cheated with.

(this question establishes a pattern you could be dealing with in the future if you stay with her.)

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:49 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

I totally hear everyone’s suggestion. I want to focus on my healing as an individual and don’t even want to consider anything with anyone including my soon to be ex wife. I just need some guidance, books, movies, whatever to relieve some of the trauma. I am already seeing a counselor every two weeks. I just want more resources. Any advice?

check out the healing library.

upper left hand corner or this site

The only guidance I have to offer is through my own experience.

1st time my old lady cheated (she was 30 at the time) we swept it under the rug and she was straight for 5 years then started up again.

It took her another 5 years to figure out it wasn't me it was her. It wasn't until she was 40 until she figured out how to affair proof the marriage.

I had a long row to hoe and it was painful especially with all the different men, but we got through it.

You can take a risk and deal with the pain or cut it short and move on. Find one that isn't so risky before you find your self....years from now saying shyt like "I'm staying for the kids" or "its cheaper to cheap um".....

I think you need to do the poly but don't focus on her and her AP, but focus on her in seeing if she has a pattern of acting one way when you are around and how she acts when you aren't around.

It's clear she for the most part has shown you how she wants you to see her for the past 17 years, but how long have you been living together?

I'm guessing here but maybe 9 months living together? Something tells me you really don't know how she act when you are not around!

Your looking for a magic button to guide you through this crap....we can offer you support...but it's up to you in the risk you are willing to take in going through this BS again years from now with the same women are for that matter risking all this emotional torture with an even more evil/disrespectful women down the road.

Step back for a few days and look at this from 30,000 feet like we are and then make the call to stay or bail.

One more thing....actions speak loader then words!

You busted your ass in putting a wedding together lets see if she can bust her ass in keeping you around.

Last food for thought....your old lady is more about her career then you.....but what do I know?

Sorry for what you are going through! It is a pain that cuts to the bone. You have to have consequences or you will probably be here again when she becomes “Unhappy”.

Why can’t you divorce and see if she can earn her way back. To go and screw another man and unless he held a gun to her head she could have said no. All the weeks of going behind your back... If it were me I would cut my losses since once you have kids it will get worse. To cheat while just getting married is sad.

Get rid of her and make her chase you and spend time away from her. Good luck my friend.

[This message edited by SpaceGhost0007 at 9:43 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

Whew.... going through this thread i had so much to say such as when you wrote

>>I ask however she seem to waffle between taking full accountability for what happen and trying to blame the AP for using his powers to manipulate her. I know that could be a factor but she is a grown women at the age of 30.

Which I believe the newer you knows is total BS and it does not matter about any investigation as it is about her choices.

Strengthserenity, i believe you are on the right path. Don't stray from your present course of healing yourself and removing her from your life. spaceghost offered a good path but you come first in healing. I am so sorry you had to go through this and the new you that comes out of this will be better, stronger and confident in the road ahead.

>> I want to focus on my healing as an individual and don’t even want to consider anything with anyone including my soon to be ex wife.

cheers to that

[This message edited by atreides at 11:27 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

13 years is so hard to let go and I don’t know what is the best thing to do now.

StrengthSerenity - You are an entrepreneur with your own business. Now imagine you've been in business for 13 years with a partner whom you trusted without question. Assume he then embezzles money from your business, then apologizes. Will you care that you spent the last 13 years with him? No. You report him, sue him, get rid of him because you will never trust him again. You will seek a new business partner. Sure you "forgive" him, but send him packing. Now your personal life, your future, your mental and physical wellbeing, is presumably atleast as important if not more than your business. So if you won't tolerate a cheating business partner, why the f*ck would you tolerate a cheating life partner? Just because you spent the last 13 years with her? Is that reason enough?

Regarding remorse, please spend time carefully reading the Wayward forum. If you spend enough time there, you will surely notice that there are 2 kinds of WS's there:

Type 1: the truly remorseful spouses. They DO exist, but are a miniscule percentage (less than 5%). Their focus is on their BH's pain, left, right and center. Hundreds of posts, all focused on their BH's pain.

Type 2: the regretful, sort of remorseful, angry ones who unfortunately, in my opinion, form the majority of WS's. Their focus is saving their marriage at any cost - their posts are centered around what all-inclusive "MC/IC/HB sex package" should I offer my BH so he gets the f*ck over my A and we move on? Other posts are focused on how shitty the AP acted, FOO, "validation" requirements, and sundry excuses, with only a smattering of posts on their BH's pain.

Based on what you have revealed, I would guess your WW right now falls in Type 2.

My tips for coping:

- separate yourself from the toxic environment

- get busy with your business (which you most likely are)

- get busy with hobbies, including those involving lots of fresh air

- strengthen ties with family and close friends (make new friends via meetups, etc. if you don't have any)

- volunteer with charities so your focus is diverted from your problems to other's problems (I did Red Cross disaster relief that helped a lot)

- double your exercise routine for a while

- healthy food (banish junk food)

- banish alcohol or keep to absolute minimum

- once annulment is in, start flirting and dating those lovely women out there. Nothing brightens your day like when a beautiful woman responds to you.

If you have the moral strength to stay true to your core values, have high self-esteem, and truly, truly know why you are taking a decision (stay or go), you will be fine either way. My best wishes to you, my friend!

As far as her pain, she state it’s from the guilt and hurt she cause not only for me but our families and also the fact that you feels disgusted by the AP AND his manipulation.

I get infuriated when waywards say things such as this.

I would ask her this question. If he really wasn't such a lying sack of crap, then somehow it would have been ok for her to have sex with him right around the time of her own wedding!?? This is pure selfish wayward thinking in that she feels cheap because this guy was playing her, but the truth is, she thought it was OK to have a serious boyfriend during the time of her wedding and even honeymoon. This is 1000% on her.

I agree with others about the nursing angle. My WW is a nurse, and there is a lot of temptation in the medical field, and lots of cheating.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 9:07 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Another way to look at this is;

End the M first. Go through the annulment, and end the legal partnership.

Next, focus on taking care yourself both physically and mentally.

Look at yourself as the Prize she has to win back. She will have to do all the work to win your attention and trust back.

This situation is in no way your fault, and zero blame falls upon you, so don't even think otherwise.

She was screwing him before and after marriage vows. In a nutshell, she was never your wife. Her playing the victim is laughable.

I have been giving advice here for awhile now. Ole thing that does not sit well with me here is that she went through a significant period of pulling away from you prior to the affair, atleast according to her timeline.

While it’s true she could get caught up with friends it just doesn’t sound right to me. There is usually a guy (or guys) behind that sort of behavior. Have yo ask her if this was her only affair?

Have you done a text recovery on her phone?

An annulment is a gift from God. Whether you continue the relationship or not is immaterial. An annulment protects you legally - period. Otherwise you’re stuck giving her a portion of your business, alimony, etc if things don’t work out.

How long will I feel like this?

I can't say exactly how long, but I can reasonably guess in your circumstance that however long it is, it will be much longer if you keep a religious and civil tie to your WW. Your wife sounds toxic. She is unhealthy to your mind, spirit, and absolutely to your physical health. She is not remorseful. Maybe some day she will find a way to heal herself and can then be an authentic, caring person. But you can't get her to that place and subjecting yourself to her brokenness will eat you up. She can keep every single rule you demand that she keep and still not be safe for your heart, mind, and soul.

I know the pain of which you feel. I am sorry you are going through this. Your WW has no clue as to the depth of the pain she caused. She knows much more about her pain and guilt and that will likely drive her behaviors much more than any empathy over your and yours.

I would cut ties. That, I think, is how you out some distance between you and the level of pain you currently feel.