SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen to me closely...

Get out now and never look back...

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[This message edited by fighter76 at 1:08 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

I think you are in a crazy situation given HOW LONG this A went on.

That is telling in my opinion.

Only you can decide what is best for you.

BUT you have many people who are giving you the benefit of their experience. And many many many have been in the same boat.

It’s different for those of us where the Affair was not physical. It’s different for those where the A was less than a year. Or was an A with no emotional attachment.

But again only you can decide what to do next. Just remember you are not locked into ANYTHING. You always have a choice. No matter what.

If she's still blame shifting and not taking 100% responsibility for her actions, then she's not remorseful and you can't reconcile with a remorseless spouse. Doesn't mean she won't wise up but honestly looking at your situation??

Newly married, she was cheating on you before, during, and after your wedding, you don't have kids (this is a huge bullet dodged), she never confessed to what she was doing and probably never would have if you hadn't had to catch and confront her to find out what she did, she's not taking responsibility for her actions, and she's not remorseful.

As horrible as your situation is I'm really not seeing any incentive for you to stay and seeing a lot of justifiable reasons for you to head for the door.

One thing that I always find curious is how many betrayed people come here and state that they want to leave or always thought they would leave if they were cheated on, but they still love their spouse. There seems to be some kind of misconception that when people are cheated on their love for that person is supposed to turn off light a light switch or burn out like a camp fire relatively soon. If that was the case infidelity, cheating, affairs, etc would not be a big deal. There would be no SI. Movies, television shows, etc would vanish.

It's perfectly normal to still love your wife after finding out she completely screwed you over. Again, that does not mean you have to or should stay in the marriage. Your wife is clearly not marriage material. You can find someone else to be happy with who shares your values and won't betray you. As for your wife, she needs to work on herself.

Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage, nor should it be.

Just to clarify, I have no idea of her activities because I already removed myself from the relationship over a month ago. What is really the shitty part about it all is that I just had an opportunity to sit down with her trauma and crisis counselor that she is being seen by from the mandatory treatment requested by the college after things came to light. The counselor was telling me how my wife was manipulated blah blah blah, and I just called BS and said she was a grown woman. She made choices. No wonder she is running around throwing the victim card when her college therapist is creating this message of manipulation and how this instructor is using his powers. I am reading Codependency No more and the healing library as suggested by many members. It’s so tough to deal with betrayal. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Sounds like the therapist has gender bias based on my circles where they said the same things...

essentially women are always victims and men always predators no matter the cheating circumstance.

BULLSH!T!!!

The thing is that you will never be in a better position to move on than now.

Given that your marriage was built on lies and deceit, why not end it.

You can always stay together but why continue the marriage.

The counselor was telling me how my wife was manipulated BLAH BLAH BLAH, and I just called BS and said she was a grown woman.

The section in Caps made the most sense.

Fire that counselor, as he/she will fuel your WW's delusion of being a victim.

You are right in that it is fundamentally down to her. She was the one that made the choices. Words are just that, words. They do nothing unless one acts on them, and your WW acted on them, to make them no longer words, but actions.

Edited: changed to Caps instead of bold

A person has to think to translate the words into actions, ergo, your WW was actually thinking.

As I had commented earlier, if you are even considering R, then imagine yourself to be the Prize she has to win. She has to do all the work to earn your trust and respect back.

One thing she will not be able to do, is to build your self-respect back. That is on you, and nobody else. You can talk to a therapist on how you can start that journey, but the work will have to be done by yourself to convert the words to action.

Seriously though, get out of the M ASAP. You can consider remarrying if/when your WW proves herself to be a safe partner, but right now, she is toxic for you, and will hamper your self-healing.

By staying in the M, she still has a connection to you, which is not healthy for your mental state. You have already started on a physical separation, now you need a mental separation. Get rid of as many wildcards in your life as you can so that you can stabilize yourself.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 11:43 PM, January 18th (Thursday)]

RUN SS RUN!

The reasons are as follows:

1. WW said she was manipulated by the AP. I work in a university and I have seen cases where students offer sex to instructors in exchange for better grades. In this kind of situation, it takes 2 willing parties to tango. It is like a one off business transaction where one offers sex in exchange for grades. I have never seen a case where there is active texting between both parties. The fact WW willingly went to POSOM house 2x before the wedding indicates she was a willing partner in the PA. RUN SS RUN!

2. WW claims that the program was very stressful and required lots of student group study and private self study in the guest room which are just excuses to meet up with the POSOM or for texting/sexting. I bet if you cross reference the times she claims to have group study with the study group members, you will find a lot of gaps. This was not just a PA it was also an EA. RUN SS RUN!

3. If she was manipulated as claimed, then she should have been willing to surrender all information upon request. At the very least, she should have reached out to BS or someone in the school when the first PA started. This she did not do. She initially tried to lie about the PA and when the whole PA threatened to explode due to the school investigation, she finally confessed the whole PA. If the investigation was not initiated at the exposure of the OBS, this would have continued indefinitely. RUN SS RUN!

4. She claims to have cheated on you 2x before the wedding. Cheaters lie. If she was comfortable cheating on you before the wedding, it is possible that she has done this before. The only difference now, she is now part of a public investigation and her actions are being exposed. The woman that you thought you knew for 13 years have been lying to you in your face with no guilt and remorse. Remove your rose lenses and you will see her as the real person she is which is a selfish person. It is possible that she has been using you only for financial support for her studies and all the other stuff that you got for her as a dear husband. After a she graduates, there is a high probability that she will dump you. She does not love you. RUN SS RUN!

5. She stood before GOD in the HOLY EUCHARIST, YOU, FAMILY and FRIENDS and vowed that she will be faithful to you in good times and in bad until death do you part. She cheated on you right after the wedding. She has no fear of GOD and MAN. Her vows means nothing.She does not love GOD or you. RUN SS RUN!

You are right in distancing yourself from WW. Now is the time to be silent within yourself and think over the past 13 years of your relationship. I am sure you would find signs that you have glossed over because of your trust in her that will now make sense of her cheating nature.

Do not try and justify WW actions as most BS tend to do. WW chose to cheat. She was not manipulated and she was definitely not a victim in this case. Do not allow WW to use the trauma therapist, IC or others to justify her actions. As you rightly pointed out, WW is 30 years old and nobody was holding a gun to her head with respect to the choices that she made.

WW is not a good and safe life partner for you and she cannot be a good mother to your children. You can still love her BUT not as a wife and the mother of your children.

IMO, you should not wait for 3 months before proceeding with annulment and divorce. The conclusion will still be the same....D. See a lawyer immediately and know your rights and file for D. I am not sure what the divorce laws in your country but in some states if the marriage exceeds a certain period, you may have to pay alimony for a longer period.

Take a step back in faith and look at the bigger picture of your life. Where would like to be 10,20,30 years from now? Do you want WW to be there in the picture knowing that she is capable of lying and cannot be trusted again? Do you want to spend the rest of your life doubting your life partner and the mother of your children? I think deep down you know the answers to these questions. The WW you see now is not the same woman you fell in love 13 years ago. What you have now is a lying, manipulating cheater who is only using you for financial security.

You are fortunate than most BS in this forum. You are young, financially independent and have no children yet. The decisions that you have to make ,though painful,are not as bad as some of the other BS in this forum.

There is no need to expose as the affair is now public knowledge. Except WW will play the victim card to gain sympathy from everyone but you know otherwise. For those who question your decision to D, state the facts that she was not manipulated as claimed but was a willing partner.

As a christian, I see GOD's divine intervention in your situation as in many JFO stories. Infidelity is the only sin that is mentioned 52 times in the bible and is a destroyer of relationships and families. I print below the Parable of the Flood. The pickup truck, the boat and the helicopter are the church councilor and the SI members and your lawyer. Listen to them!!!

A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbour urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbour drove off in his pick-up truck.

The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.

The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The flood waters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.

When he reached heaven and asked, “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?”

RUN SS RUN !!!

Since you mentioned being Catholic and someone else mentioned the "parable of the flood."

As a christian, I see GOD's divine intervention in your situation as in many JFO stories. Infidelity is the only sin that is mentioned 52 times in the bible and is a destroyer of relationships and families.

I want to hit something very hard that I hear so many Christians say... about it being God's will for my partner to cheat so he could use it.

James 1:13-15

13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: 14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

No one made your wife do what she did, everything she did was of her own free will. Otherwise the instructor would be in jail for kidnapping and rape. God did not make or personally let your wife commit adultery to bring your family to some higher state.

However

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

God can use this for the better... but he didn't make it happen.

Sorry. When I mentioned " Gods intervention in many JFO's stories...", I meant that somehow irrespective of when and where it happened, the act of infidelity will be exposed either by an act of guilt by WS, gut feelings of the BS etc or in this instance a public investigation. It is never GOD's will to allow cheating......it is MAN that make the bad choices and have to face the consequences of these choices.