SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so sorry Cujo. I’m so so sad for the pain you are in.

He still says it was wrong, that he told truth. And I admit there is a part of me that wants to believe him.

He said the poly was wrong last time though...and it wasn't. He's so used to lying throughout your marriage, the truth is a stranger to him.

...and he doesn't want a divorce because he likes the status of being a married man. He liked having a wife and playing away.... Playing away without a wife doesn't carry the same excitement for seasoned cheaters.

Cujo I’m sorry this did not have the results you expected.

I see has been a long time serial cheater.

My therapist explained to me that details do not necessarily matter. It’s like saying you are a little pregnant - you either are or you are not.

So the facts are that he cheated. You know it was multiple times. Went on for years. Those are facts.

Now at present day he has admitted additional facts and As.

It doesn’t change the fact he is a liar and cheater. The polygraph May bring up more details or facts - things you wish he had the ability to be honest about on his own.

But he didn’t b/c he is a coward.

At this juncture in your M he can choose to be a better person and put the M first and start to show you love and respect. His actions need to demonstrate he wants to R. He needs to show you his commitment to the M.

There are no guarantees he will not cheat again. There are no guarantees he will not lie again. Reconciliation is a leap of faith by the BS.

I have R with my H knowing I do not have all the details. But I don’t need them. The few details that I don’t have are not important. But I also see he is not the same guy he was and after two As - that is what I need to see and feel.

You see my H traveled extensively for work all over the world. He had a million opportunities to cheat that I could never ever find out (still does). I always knew he could cheat I just never thought he would. If he did have other As - I am in the dark and always will be.

But I don’t need additional details. I already know he was a cheater. But now he is remorseful and making amends. He has changed.

Could he be playing me? Absolutely.

But then it is his loss for living a less than authentic life. And he has to deal with that - not me.

Hope this helps you. It took me years s of therapy to accept this. Not easy.

But when i stopped focusing on “truth” and playing detective with him - it made me a happier person.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:05 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

What I don't understand why he even wants to stay married to me. He obviously thinks he deserves something he doesn't get from me. I told him as long as he is fair to me with a settlement and spousal support that I wouldn't air all his dirty laundry, which is what I thought was most important to him. But he keeps swearing he loves me and wants to stay married. I don't believe him.

Because it’s reasuring to have a soft place to land.

Because As carry the excitement that a real relationship doesn’t.

Because having a plan B takes the sting out of any rejection he will encounter from women he strikes out with.

Because he wants to cake eat and have a loving wife at home and a side piece for fun sexy time.

Stop focusing on what HE wants. What do YOU want. Can you get it from your WH, or do you need to leave the relationship in order to have it?