SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been in a relationship for about 35 years it has its ups and downs but overall I have been relatively happy. I have 2 daughters one 24 the other 17 who both still live at home. My partner has had problems in the past with alcohol but has been dry for the last 23 years with one minor lapse 7 years ago. On the 1st of November I saw an open document on our computer and glanced at it to determine what it was. It turned out to be a sexual fantasy followed by some real life confessions about a past relationship my partner had. I did not read it carefully and basically dismissed it as a fantasy he had been writing. The only thing that upset me was that he referred to his ex as the love of his life. That evening he asked me if I had read the document and I said I had. He then have laughed and said it was a funny story but he had taken a colleague out for a walk in the forest and then out to lunch as a farewell as she was immigrating and it was only afterwards when she was safely out of the country did he discover that she had worn "her go to bed underwear" to this event as she was expecting more. He said how this had bolstered his ego as he had turned 60 this year and to be desired by a younger women was something he did not expect and he was very excited to be writting again - something he has wanted to do for a long time. I confronted him about the love of my life issue and he said that he had not meant it and was just recounting a painful episode in his life when he discovered long after the event that his then fiance had been involved with another man.

I was upset but not majorly so but something he had said niggled at me so the next day I looked on the computer to see if there where any other files with the same name. I found 2 others one of which was a 13 page pornographic fantasy featuring the woman he had taken out to lunch and her husband and also made reference to her being in a state of sexual excitement over the past months owing to a sexting relationship. It also mentioned a phone sex incident and how much fun that had been. The second document was a very personal confession of things he had done in the past that had been praying on his mind. None of these things had ever been discussed with me. There was also a third document in the same vain but this one centered around his fathers infidelity and how this had disturbed him over the years. Again this was mostly new to me - he had mentioned his fathers infidelity in the past but never gone into the details. This document also mentioned the fact that they had discussed the morality of their relationship but did not say what they had concluded. As you can imagine I was not thinking very clearly when I read these and it ended up in a several day argument with me being in a white hot shaking rage and him blaming me initially for the whole thing. He assumed that I was no longer interested in him physically as although we engaged in sex on the average of once a week I did not initiate it and I did not really touch him that much. Also he felt I was not interested in exchanging sexual fantasies and despised crude language. I have been see sawing emotionally back and forth from that point on. Either miserable as I feel that I have been sexually lacking , or miserable that I could not have been involved in what he describes as the most fun he has had or a 'euphoric" experience. He did not at first accept that he had ,had a affair and kept shouting that he did not touch the woman and that it was all fantasy (even though it turned out he had at least hugged her goodbye). I convinced him that what I had read was an emotional relationship and he then confessed that he had become confused as he felt he was falling in love and could not understand how this could be possible as it was only texting - though there where videos of masturbation exchanged and the one phone sex incident. he said that there was only sexting but at some point it became and obsession and he checked his phone several times a day. I managed to get the generally outline of the affair from him seems like it had slowly started in November the year before and only blown into full sexual pursuit in August 2017. He says he is sorry and still loves me more than ever. But whenever I try and find out more of the details he says I am rubbing his nose in it and he feels too guilty to even talk to me. He also gets very depressed or angry and either just shuts me out or tries to walk away. he says I am going over and over the same thing and that the sexting did not have a lot of content and he cannot remember the content.

Maybe I am punishing myself unnecessarily but I feel a need to know the content of the texts. I can not imagine leaving him so I need away to work through this.

I was very pleased to discover this website and I have begun to look at the healing library which I am sure is going to help me. Oh one other thing he at some point confessed to me that this was a dry drunk and just a terrible mistake - I assumed that this was a new revelation and he was working through stuff but on re reading it turned out that he had mentioned this in the e-mails(documents to her) so it was just more justification that he had already thought out.

Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join.

Reading the library will help you to determine your path for sure.

His actions when you ask questions, and need to talk about it, are indicative of a WS (wayward spouse) that is not truly remorseful. His actions scream of regret and shame, that it not the same thing as remorse.

He needs to own his choices, and do some real work digging in, and figuring out his whys, why he did this, what allowed him to choose what he did, and fixing that. What he is currently attempting to do is rugsweeping, pretend it never happened. The problem with this is he hasn't gotten to the root of his issues, and is almost certain to repeat his actions again.

Him being a dry drunk also lends itself to the fact that he has some issues to work through. You can make some demands of him, like he do IC (therapy for himself). You cannot nice, a person into being honest and sticking to fidelity.

You cannot do it for him. All you can do is demand the respect and honestly, and love you deserve.

Thank-you so much for the input. Just one question how can you tell if he is actually remorseful?

He will be supportive of you, and kind, and understand your pain, and help you.

He will be patient, and not get angry.

He will be doing the work to own his shit and heal himself.

It's hard to tell, until you acutally see/feel it.

He says he wont get angry and when we talk he does he claims that it is because I don't believe him and am going over the same stuff again and again he regaurds it as punishment that he has to think about something he is deeply ashamed about.maybe I am asking too much but I feel thid unheathy need to knowvall the details

He says he wont get angry and when we talk he does he claims that it is because I don't believe him and am going over the same stuff again and again he regaurds it as punishment that he has to think about something he is deeply ashamed about.maybe I am asking too much but I feel thid unheathy need to knowvall the details

This is NOT remorse, this is shame, and guilt. You are not shaming him, you are simply trying to understand a major trauma. The one person in the world who is supposed to have your back, and you trusted most destroyed that. It will take time for you to understand, and feel you have the truth.

He could be reading here, or reading "How to help your spouse heal" Or going to IC, or being patient w/ you. If he is too caught up in his own guilt and shame, then you cannot R, and he should go to therapy to learn how to turn that shame into positive action.

Book recommendations.

How To Help Your SPouse Heal From Your Affair

Not Just Friends

This is reading for both of you. If he is not willing to read, that is a red flag.

Him telling you he doesn’t want to talk is not remorse. That is regret.

He needs IC to find out what allowed him to hurt the person he vowed to protect.

And you need IC to help you understand what your next steps may be.

Thank-you so much for the positive replies. I have already found that just knowing that what I have been going through is considered normal incredibly helpful. I thought I was going crazy as I kept thinking about the 2 of them chuckling together, especially as he praised her dirty laugh. I will try to get hold of the book as a starting point. I sometimes feel that it is silly to get so angry and misserable over a purely texting relationship. He keeps shouting that he never touched the woman (even though - I found out that they did indeed hug - at least) That it was all about the fantasy and that it was like writing to nobody as he felt he could say what he wanted with out being judged. This apparently was what led to the true life confessions as he felt this was a safe forum to get things off his chest that he had never been able to talk about before. In away this hurts the most that he could not trust me with the things that had been hurting him for so long. He says that he felt I would leave if I knew the truth whereas he did not care if she left. I do not know if this is true as he also says that the relationship became much more intimate after the confession and he started to feel the euphoria of young love and became obsessed with her checking his phone constantly for texts. The fact of the euphoria and the incredible fun he had in this relationship makes me so angry and sad at the same time as I feel jealous that he has had this and sad that I may never experience this with him or anyone else. So I feel half inclined to go out and find my own internet relationship to see how it feels. I am trying out sexting with him but it is a two edged sword as I keep wondering if this is what he said to her.

Has he gone completely NC (no contact) with this woman AND blocked her from any communication?

You deserve to know the truth. If he gets defensive, he's really not helping you heal.

He says he has and that I am welcome to check but he uses the phone for work so he is always in contact with clientd usually woman so I know he does not text her but still a bit distrustful. He seems more remorseful today and I hope this means we have begun thr road to recovery. I told him about the books and thisvsite so jeres hoping.

Stillwater - I hope to heck you kept your username private. This is a very safe space for you. IF he hops on and reads then you lose that.

You will also find that if he reads, and doesn't like what he is reading, you will quickly get the ...

"This site is bad for you" "This site will make you trigger" "The people on SI are bitter and broken" and a thousand variations of it.

You deserve love and respect. But you are the only one who can demand it.

Please do not tell him about this site. It is YOUR safe space.

I agree that this is all very normal. Your H's thinking is way off center. It has been for awhile. It can take awhile for them to really wake up. You may want to look up the term limmerance. It can often be consfused for love. I seriously doubt he loved this woman.

And yes, this was some form of an A. You need all the truth. You need to ask questiions until you have fully processed. He has lied to you for a long time. Don't let him minimize this.

I'm so sorry you are here and hurting. The pain is real. It is traumatic. Hugs to you.

ETA: Your H may regret his actions. That is not the same thing as remorse. I don't think he is there yet. Once he gets there he will start to fully own his actions and not justify them in any way. He will put your needs first and make changes for him to become a safe partner. He will stop being defensive and angry. That is a big shift.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:41 AM, January 26th (Friday)]

I am so sorry I told him about the site. Just to trustong for my own good. Did not reveal my password though. I looked up limerance and yes that feels about right. It does not make it feel any better though. I still have this insane jealousy that he has had this fantastic high without me and that he has shared so much with a much younger,atractive woman even if he says he never desired her physically

he has shared so much with a much younger,atractive woman even if he says he never desired her physically

All cheaters lie a lot.

Sorry you're here but that is a lie.

Wow that just made me feel cold all over. I have just confronted him and he still maintains that he was not physically attracted to her until she was far away and the sexting had begun and even then not that physical. Unfortunately the more I think about this the less likely it seems is it possible to do this without physical desire

Sometimes the most attractive thing about the other person is how they think they look in their eyes, like a flattering mirror. I don't think it so much abouT the other person as it is about themselves. Sadly I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my H was attracted just based on the physical. It hurts beyond words.

Limmerance didn't make me feel better either. It still hurt. It still made me jealous. It still made me mad. With some longer perspective at least I know it wasn't really actual love or relationship. This may take some time.

I really hesitate to bring this up but it does take some time to really grasp that cheaters lie. When you have caught someone in so many it is just hard to trust anything. Very gently, why would you sext with someone and write when you don't find them attractive even if it is just you in their eyes? It is still an attractions. It is sexting and pornographic & masterbation?

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 6:56 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

Yes it was sexting with her sending video of her masturbating - he tried to but claimed not able to work the video on his phone. He did send pornographic images of himself and lots of pornographic fantasy. There was one phone sex incident which he claims was not very satisfying. Yes I believe he was attracted to her in some way but he says that she asked him when he first became attracted to her physically and he could not reply as it was only after the sexting started to happen. She had been attracted for a long time and I believe that there had been flirting for a long time although he says not. They had know each other for 7 years before she moved and this thing became obsessive. I am so confused about this I do not want to call him an outright lire as I think he actually believe he was not attracted to her. He seemed awfully proud of himself that there was no physical relationship even though her husband had already left the country. I think this whole thing might have something to do with turning 60 and wanting to be desired. I don't know!

Yes it was sexting with her sending video of her masturbating - he tried to but claimed not able to work the video on his phone. He did send pornographic images of himself and lots of pornographic fantasy. There was one phone sex incident which he claims was not very satisfying. Yes I believe he was attracted to her in some way but he says that she asked him when he first became attracted to her physically and he could not reply as it was only after the sexting started to happen. She had been attracted for a long time and I believe that there had been flirting for a long time although he says not. They had know each other for 7 years before she moved and this thing became obsessive. I am so confused about this I do not want to call him an outright lire as I think he actually believe he was not attracted to her. He seemed awfully proud of himself that there was no physical relationship even though her husband had already left the country. I think this whole thing might have something to do with turning 60 and wanting to be desired. I don't know!

I keep wondering if this is what he said to her.

I having similar but different feelings. My wife feels it would be good to do the same. I keep wondering if she is sending my the same photos and poses. I can hardly look at her and not think of her sending illicit nude photos to another man. I don't know what to do or how to stop it. I can't erase what she did, I don't know if the fantasy continues on the other end long after the communications stops. I am insanely jealous of this man who coaxed my wife into "harmless" phone play.