SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:08 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

Hi MNIN,

Sorry you are here. I can feel your pain coming through the post. Like you my wife had an A with someone from her past, her one true love.

And like you even though she told me how I was all she wanted after the A I knew that I was Plan C just like you were. In fact my WW's A ended because I found out, exposed it to the OBS and he ended things with my WW in order to save his marriage. So like you I had him to thank for this. So when my wife protested that she really wanted me all along I knew that was BS. I tried to live with that for several years until I finally couldn't and walked away.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that it will get better for sure. I don't know if it will. For me my WW wanted to rugsweep it immediately and I let her. I was wrapped up in staying for my kids, who were much younger than yours, and in somehow "winning" what had become a competition for her between me and the OM. It turned out to be a competition that I wish he had won and saved me some wasted years.

Obviously having these posts out there mean your WW can't spin what she did or deny what she was thinking and as you say these posts were after the fact and surely reflect her true thoughts. I can't tell you what to do, nobody on here can, but I will say that you have the right to leave if that is what you want. You do not have to justify it or let anyone tell you that you should stay because she "picked" you and if you leave your kids are old enough to know the truth about what happened and why you left. Mine were by the time I left and it made a difference in my relationship with them.

Do you know who contacted you about all of this? Could it be the OM's current partner? Are you sure they have not been in contact periodically over the years? I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she stays in touch to "check in" with him every now and then and see if his situation or attitude about continuing the A changes.

For your specific questions.

1. Some folks want details, some don't. To each his own. You might want to know some dates they were together and things they did. I wanted to because then I knew some places I wanted to avoid with her and also it helped me understand a little more of my history and why some things seemed off on family trips and holidays. Just know that once you hear, just like her on-line journal, you can't unhear.

2. Fake it until you make it will work I suppose but it may also cause you to blow off some steam in unhealthy, unrelated ways like yelling at your children or losing it at work. She should be willing to talk about this as much as you want.

3. The advice to drink water is sort of a general "take care of yourself" message I think. Many people neglect a lot of basic things like eating and drinking during this time and because they are getting little sleep and maybe crying a lot they end up really rundown. If staying hydrated is not a problem just remember to try to take care of yourself on all of those Maslow needs areas, food, sleep, water, etc.

I am so sorry you are hear. I always hate those post when the BS learn of an affair years after they occur. But it breaks my heart more when the BS learns they are not their wife's first choice.

Have you told her this?

But I also know, no matter what happens between us, R or D, I will live the rest of my life knowing that when it counted she chose another person over me.

If so what is her response? What is the difference between her during the affair, and two years after the affair compared to now?

She said (on the website) that being with him never felt like cheating on me because she saw it as something apart from our marriage but being with me felt like cheating on him.

This statement would have probably ended my marriage if my wife had said this. That being said let me share my experience and answer your questions.

1. There is a lot of articles and posts that talk about needing to know details of the affair. I know some but not all. WS has made it clear she will answer any question I have. I am not sure I want to know more. What am I not understanding? For me, I wanted to know the details because I wanted to know the full extent of what my wife did. I had an affair and we had sex was not enough for me. I wanted to know the full picture. Your wife has the entire picture. You only see the picture in part. Seeing the full picture gives you a chance to make the best decision for you. Some see the full picture and can reconcile. Some see the full picture and can not. But they have all the information to make that choice. Not having the full picture leaves you with doubt, will cause you to more pain in the future, and will damage any chance to reconcile, if that is what you want. You will always feel your wife is hiding information from you.

2. I am still feeling a lot of hurt and anger (and will for some time) but we are also trying to be "normal" both for the sake of the kids (who don't know anything) and for ourselves. But small talk feels false and empty. Does acting normal help restore a feeling of normalcy? For me I would say not at this point. Small talk annoyed me. I kept saying to myself, "Why are you talking to me? Get away from me." But there were times when I wanted to talk about anything but the affair. My mind was consumed by it and there were times when small talk shifted my mind away from it for a while. Not sure if that answers your question.

3. What is the deal with telling me to drink lots of water? My wife cheated, I don't have a bladder infection. You need to take care of yourself. You need to drink water, eat well, and try and eat normal. Some people lose a lot of weight and don't take care of themselves. This is just to encourage you to do that. There was one poster who did not and passed out in his house only to be found by the panicked WW and had to spend a day or two in the hospital. So please take care of yourself while you deal with this affair.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:08 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

In regards to wanting to know the details, that's an individual choice. For me, I wanted to know everything they did. And, after recovering 4000 email messages from the OM on her computer, there wasn't much left for my imagination. I'd still prefer that over guessing what they did.

As far as being her plan B, I know how that feels as well. They talked about running away together, but imagine; the OM dumped her when he was exposed. It was a 2 year A.

So how do you overcome that? Well that happened to me over 6 years ago and we've been in R since then. Married 30 years last December. But there's probably not a day that goes by, I don't think about it. The thoughts of betrayal and rejection never go completely away; but they do diminish.

I guess the most important thing is time. Time enough for your wife to demonstrate that you're now her plan A, and that she's willing to spend the rest of her life proving it; with every word, every look and every action.That could take two years, 5 years - or never if she's not genuinely and unconditionally remorseful. In other words it's not a short term prospect. She has to be patient and you need to always remember you have the option to D if you find you can't get past this. So my advice is never verbally commit to staying with her, even if you intend to. That's part of the price she has to pay for betraying you so brutally.

No need to sugarcoat it. R is difficult enough, but when you've once been relegated to a backup plan, it's even harder. Impossible with a non-remorseful spouse. Make sure you accept nothing less, if you decide to R.

Good luck.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:13 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:08 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

It sucks that you have to be here Nobody, but welcome to your new SI family. Everyone's pain is different, but none is worse or better than the other.

1. There is a lot of articles and posts that talk about needing to know details of the affair. I know some but not all. WS has made it clear she will answer any question I have. I am not sure I want to know more. What am I not understanding?

- I am one of those you might consider a glutton for punishment. I needed to know all the details and asked a ton of questions over and over. My imagination had them doing all kinds of crazy things and having all kinds of discussions. To me, not knowing is worse. However, each person needs to decide that for themselves. There are some that want zero details, they know it happened and that is all they need. There is no right or wrong answer, only your answer. I know it must cut like a knife to learn everything that your WW was feeling during her A but man, what I wouldn't give to have all that detail in a manner where you aren't questioning their story.

2. I am still feeling a lot of hurt and anger (and will for some time) but we are also trying to be "normal" both for the sake of the kids (who don't know anything) and for ourselves. But small talk feels false and empty. Does acting normal help restore a feeling of normalcy?

- We didn't try to be normal during this shitstorm. Our kids knew we were having problems. We didn't share any details, but to try to hide that something was wrong is pointless, IMO, because kids know. Small talk was not happening for a long time in our house.

3. What is the deal with telling me to drink lots of water? My wife cheated, I don't have a bladder infection.

- This made me laugh, good to see a bit of a sense of humor. (good lord, I hope that was meant to be funny). It all goes to taking care of yourself, which you will forget to do. Funny thing is, I actually got my first ever bladder infection two weeks after D-Day because of all the stress. I think all the crying dehydrated my body because I didn't listen to the wise folks of SI and drink more water! Also, it is another way to say "stay away from the alcohol", it will only make things worse.

I'm so sorry you have gone through this, it sucks for every BS out there. My question to you is, are you sure you are ready for MC. You are still in a bit of shock and processing what happened. MC is to try to save the marriage and I think it might be time to focus on saving you first.

[This message edited by HenryIIX at 1:23 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:08 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

She is someone who posted on the same website as my wife and they and some others formed a private FB group where they shared their true identities.

Jeez, a private FB group for those lamenting the one that got away and posting that kind of hurtful stuff. Your wife has a little of the tragic and romantic in her doesn't she? I would have a really hard time with this but then again I have lived it and already did. Sorry.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:09 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

She says she is no longer the person that wrote those things on the website

Convenient timing. Ask her exactly when she stopped being that person, and if she got a new ID or whatever.

The above statement is just further compartmentalization. She's exactly the same person that had the affair, that wrote those things on the internet, that lied to you. I honestly can't think of a better barometer for how she felt during the affair than reading her words that were posted anonymously.

She's a twelve year old girl with romantic ideas of how her life should be. You are the bank that is allowing her to live this fantasy.

Your approach of taking time and constant evaluation of the relationship is how I hope to proceed.

That's unfortunately learned from experience. How you feel now won't be the same way you feel in a year or 3 years. One year past Dday, I almost called it quits.

But not verbally committing to her is not to say you shouldn't give R your all, if that's what you decide to do. You've still got to be a good husband for your "resurrected" marriage to work. Don't let the reason it fails be because she got discouraged and gave up.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:09 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

You know I finally came to have some perspective of the circumstance where the husband practically knows everything the WW did and felt in a LTA.

I wanted her to be instantly and completely remorseful; to be desperate and panicked. I came to realize however, that if she would have tried too hard to convince me, it would come off as disingenuous and manipulating. Your wife and mine got caught red handed and were exposed completely. There was nothing to deny. They have to own what they did and be honest about why they did it.

We have to accept they were in love with the OM; but it's their job to demonstrate that they've changed and can be trusted. That doesn't happen overnight.

So what steps has she taken to make you feel safe?

Is she open with all her electronics?

Did she write you a letter telling you exactly why she does not see you as Plan C?

Did she write a letter to the AP telling him how much she regrets what happened between them that she shows you before sending?

Is she in IC to figure out how she could do this to the one she vowed to love and protect?

Did she volunteer to a poly to confirm he was the only AP?

Has she written you a plan to make you feel safe the next 30 years?

I have to tell you, if this happened to me like you describe, I would probably have a long talk with her about how she chose to end the marriage and you did not. But as a symbol of her ending the marriage that you should complete a divorce with reasonable terms.

And then She can try to re-earn her place as your wife. She will have to do that by starting over again, and this time you’re the prize to be won.

It just seems to me that there needs to be ramifications for what she has done. Losing the title of wife seems reasonable.

Perhaps she’ll see that step as an opportunity to start anew with you and prove youre the love of her life. Or she may decide she can’t do that hard work and leave, but if that’s the case then at least you know now and not 20 years down the road.

The day you decide to ask her to remarry you would be one that you both know you have put in the hard work to make it happen.

I know it’s drastic, but what she did was even more drastic.

Good luck.

People in affairs—especially, in my opinion, women—tend to change their realities during affairs so as to not feel guilt. I would discount the things she felt and wrote during the affair.

The greater concern is her still being in lala land several years after the affair. That and the fact she did not come clean on her own, even when confronted.

This suggests regret, not remorse. Remorse may come in time. But do not let your guard down, do not accept any blame for the affair, do not try to nice her back, and do not try to rugsweep or remorse will never come.

It sounds like you are doing a good job balancing these nuances.

PS: what’s so bad about being Plan C?

Can you accept yourself as plan c???

Let me tell you one thing

I have read the other woman forums

These woman are married and having affairs

And they do not give a shit about their husbands or even kids.

They like the disgusting title of married other woman than a respectful title of wife.

And many of them are very creul.

Believe me after reading those disgusting posts i will.never ever R with a cheater.

I think its good that you read her posts.

Because now you know the painful truth.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:11 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I ready your story and had to do two things. First was to make sure someone hadn't resurrected my thread and I was reading my own post over again. Our stories are eerily similar in some areas. Second was to close my computer for a bit and take a step back. Your story dredged up some things I had thought I had put away.

I also got anonymous messages that my wife was having an affair. Which I assumed were a cruel joke. Turned out that was only the tip of my iceberg. In my case I ended up uncovering a whole string of As over a period of 4 or 5 years. Maybe more, I'll never know the whole truth.

So far as wanting to know all the details, as others have said thats an individual choice. I felt I needed to know. So I spent time digging and resurrecting old posts on websites. Now I know. And I can never unknow. But I think in the end, if I hadn't, my imaginings would have been worse. I think a lot of people feel that way. Just keep in mind that once you see/hear something you can never unsee/unhear it.

Whether you end up in D or R, you're just starting down a long road. Which path you take is up to you, no one here can tell you which is right for you, and one path is no more or less honorable than the other. When I found out, I decided (in my head) that I wasn't going to make any life-altering choices for 6 months. Until I felt I could think rationally and wasn't consumed by pure emotion. You may decide a different number is better for you, that's fine. Just remember, it's OK to not make a choice today and to wait until you see what tomorrow looks like.

You said your WW is looking for a marriage councilor. I am going to suggest that it's way too early for marriage counseling. Now is the time for individual counseling. For both of you. MC is for fixing your marriage, and it's too early to tell if that's going to happen yet. Now you need to be concentrating on you. Perhaps your WW will "get it" and you'll decide that she's worth your effort and will decide to offer her reconciliation. Perhaps not. Perhaps you'll run out of "give a shits" before that happens.

But today you should be concerned with yourself. Does your employer offer EAP? Does your health insurance cover counseling? I was lucky in that my insurance covered mental health with no time or dollar limit. I took full advantage. I recommend you do to.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 2:27 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:09 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]