SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You want to believe you weren't Plan C, but she obviously chose him, or cheating on you, over you. So you won't believe that, no matter how much you want to.

Also, seeing some of that in writing would be hard for many of to get over, ever.

The "naked id" as you have seen from her online postings, is never pretty. If others knew our internal thoughts, we would all be pretty embarassed.

One thing you learn here, is that cheating is usually about what is lacking in the cheater, not something lacking in the betrayed. And she had a lot of lacking going on...

Alcoholic, betrayal, lies upon lies, and a long-term affair - are there any positives? It seems like you really want R, and I'm not here to talk you into D, but why do you want R? Fear? Finances? Staying for the kids?

Yes, this will be an ongoing topic of discussion. So far the answers have not been very satisfactory. That being said, without committing to anything at this point, I think some people can change but I need to be shown, not told, to be convinced. Fool me once, etc.

You misunderstand me. I am not saying that people can't change. I am saying that she is still the same person that did these things. I used to say some really dumb things in my 20's. I was ignorant, and it showed. I have since changed, and am more measured with my words and opinions. It doesn't mean that I am somehow different from who I was in my 20's. I don't get to leave that part of me behind when it's convenient.

Is she a different person than she was a week ago when this was still an ongoing lie? Will she be different in a month when she cheats on you again?

Yes, she is an adulteress. Yes, she is a liar. I don't have any great advice for you. I guess that there are a lot of things I could get past, but playing second fiddle to a long lost love isn't one of them.

I deserve better than to be someone's silver medal.

I would highly suggest for you to make your WW take a poly sometime in the near future... especially if you decide to give R a shot. In bold print on page one of the cheaters handbook, is 1) all cheaters are liers. It sounds like she was planning on taking this to the grave 'cept you found out.

The caller also was telling you there were criminal activity's involved. Rest assured you don't have the full truth yet. There's always more. Keep digging.

I've been a member since June, but have only posted a few times. Your post hit home for me. I never posted my story because by the time I found this site, I had moved back in with my wife.

I'll be married 28 years in June we have 3 children all adults now. My oldest daughter told me about my wife's affair after she some how sniffed it out. To make it worse my brother and sister in law new about it, but thought it wasn't their place to tell me. Finally my daughter confronted my wife about it and said you better come clean to dad in the next two weeks or I will. Well she didn't, so my daughter told me.

The two things that hit home were it happened 3 years ago and it stopped because he broke it off with her.

She felt that it was in the past and admitted it was a mistake, why should I be upset now. To me it was an open wound.

The part of being plan B is something that still hurts everyday, for me my mind thinks what if we go through tough times or someone shows her interest like the other guy did. I feel your pain and wish I could tell you it goes away, but for me it hasn't. My only advice is to take your time and not let her sweep it under the rug like I did.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:11 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I am so sorry. I am also a BS after 27 years of marriage. 3 kids. No signs that there was any trouble. I believe it is a special kind of cruelty to cheat after having been with someone for that long. Here we are believing we are the "special and lucky " ones. Trusting. Feeling happy that our marriage has outlasted so many others, and believing we will grow old together .....and then the nuclear bomb goes off. And then we wonder if it was all a lie. And of course we have a LOT of years to wonder about .

Hi there. I'm new too. I have looping mental images too. I don't know when (if ever) that goes away.

One thing that struck me about your story is the criminal behaviour that the email accused her of. I would double check on all your assets and investments etc. I'm really sorry, but you may have to brace for more.

Nobody,

I’m so sorry man. I too found out years later, after everything ended and it certainly didn’t take the sting out of it for me. It made me question everything. all of the good times and warm memories seemed fake and tarnished. What I have come to realize about my WW is that while she did, said and thought some terrible things that have threatened to destroy me, it’s her that is broken, not what was once her distorted view of me and our M. She wanted to escape the mundane 9-5, come home and feed the kids routine for something she thought would make her feel “whole” or “free” from the stress.

I am not often a positive poster when it comes to my opinion of the WS and how they have felt about and destroyed us BSs, but let me offer this perspective: you feel you are Plan C, and I totally get that the story and circumstances suggest that’s the case. Imagine that the roles were reversed and you were the OM and she was married to someone else (gross I know, but hear me out). She would have seen you as the “grass is greener” guy. So it isn’t really about you vs him. You had “baggage” - and by baggage I mean all of the real life stuff that it seems WS hold against their BS during the A (like financial stuff, kids, logistics and scheduling, not feeling sexy 1000% of the time). So you never had a chance, it was probably more about her having some sort of life crisis and depression than someone else being better for her, regardless of what she wrote.

As far as finding out info? Damn, that’s tough. I’m in the “I have to know everything” camp. The unknown about killed me. I’d rather know what it is exactly I have to get over than not. But I’d caution and say ask if and when you’re ready. Maybe reading her online diary was enough. Maybe ask her for a polygraph to determine truth of A and her feelings for you? That’s all up to you. But if you want any chance of R it has to involve the truth. If it were me and I ended up wanting

D I don’t think I would need to know any more info.

Best of luck Nobody.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:12 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

Not that this is your responsibility at this point, but does she have access to medical help? Had there been indication of drug use? Has she had irrational thoughts like this before?

ETA: I know this is not about her. It's about you and your survival. I'm more thinking from the perspective of you protecting yourself.

[This message edited by Coreofsteel at 3:28 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:13 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

My apologies. I misread, I thought you meant your WW had irrational thoughts and et.

We talked about this. I think I need to pursue this further. She says NC for three years so she is hesitant to initiate contact now, but if I ask she will do it.

If you are as she has stated her plan A now & her OM nothing to her now, then I do not see a problem in her sending the OM a fuck off letter unless she feels this will bring up lingering feelings for the OM which would then of course show you what plan you really are.

My opinion is she has played you and had her fun & at the last second decided she couldn't throw away her family but the continued writing and reminiscing about her FB on a social page shows where her heart really is.

MyName,

My comment is "off topic" in that it doesn't address your questions. It does get to the discussion of Plan A/B/C.

She began posting on this website three years ago after the affair ended.

she wrote these things over a space of a couple of years after the affair was over.

You need to know more about her doing this because to me it is an indicator of her remaining in the affair mindset for up to two more years. Was it in the form of a journal, or a forum where there is interaction? Journals are a way to process things. Was the tone and content indicative of her pining over the OM, reliving the "high" of the adultery? Every forum (including this one) has a culture that causes people to gravitate to it. What is the culture of that website/forum? If she were in individual counseling (IC) to get at an understanding of why she cheated, journaling as a means of understanding her actions would be a widely accepted therapeutic method. Journaling to a community of people who validate each others' cheating a la Esther Pearl would mean the A mindset went on much longer. And that she did not return to you as Plan Anything.

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:13 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

Forget the letter. She doesn't want to write it because she doesn't want to shut the door.

Have her write the timeline of the affair then let her know that you are sending it to his girlfriend so that she can know what type of guy she is with. If she protests this then you are 100% sure whose side she is on.

This is a no-fail tactic.

MNiN: I'm sorry you have to be here. Very, very sorry.

I'd just like to throw my support out there for you. Be nice to yourself. Your posts show that you are a very levelheaded, kind man. It's tough to hear some of the "OMG are you crazy, get out of that marriage!!" opinions, and you're desperately trying to figure out what you're supposed to do or what you want.

You are so early in this process. It takes work for your WW to make herself safe to return to... it also takes a lot of work for YOU to figure out what you want and how you really feel about this gigantic bomb that was dropped in your life.

So, be nice to yourself. Take your time. Do not commit to anything right now. Let yourself feel the things you need to feel. Don't be a martyr--do some things for you, anything that distracts you or makes you feel happy for a few moments.

We're all here for you.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 4:32 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

***

[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:14 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

Before you can decide to R you need to know exactly what you are dealing with. She got caught. Now she is following the WS recipe to save her marriage. It’s spelled out on this site and in various books. Say the right words. Open your electronics. Etc. Etc.

Fine and dandy.

But there are lots of unknowns. For instance, if she had never posted on the lost love forum, you would have never known. What else do you not know about? She could easily have had other affairs, or inappropriate contact with other men. You have no way of knowing based off her word. And she is a liar.

So I would suggest, before any councilor gets involved, that you demand a polygraph.

Is he the only affair?

Have you had inappropriate contact with any other men?

Did you plan on leaving me?

Do you still miss him?

These are questions that need answering.

You remind me of Walloped in tone and temperament. While your stories are different you may find value in reading his two original threads.