SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for all the helpful tips, especially about strategizing the timing and pressure. I will work them into my plans. The car seat is a great idea!

By the way, do VARs beep? Like when the battery is running low or anything? I've heard a strange beep in my car a couple of times recently that I can't attribute to anyting, and since we were talking about VARs, it made me question if he possibly is trying to track me too? He doesn't act like he knows anything, just more so like he is in the dog house - I realize I'm probably paranoid, but I will not be out-played.

To answer some questions:

1. The DNA results are being emailed to me, and I think they will call me also. I did not leave a mailing address so this is the only way they can send me the results.

2. The gym is probable, but I have a couple other theories I'm vetting as well. He travels a lot for work, so there's a lot to piece together.

3. That day (a Monday), I came home from work at my normal time. He had the day off due to the government shutdown. I didn't discover the condom until after we put the kids to bed. He had fallen asleep in our son's room (which is normal) so I was putting fresh sheets on the bed. He had a small rag in with the sheets in the dryer (which I presume was for cleaning up. He claims it was to towel off after the gym, but why wouldn't he have also washed his gym clothes as well?). I went to put that clean rag in his nightstand and that's when I noticed that a condom was missing. I promptly checked the bathroom trash thinking he can't be that stupid, but there it was. We had just changed out the bag a couple days before, so I know that it was from that day.

4. His excuse for the sheets in the wash was that they were still dirty from our relations a few days before (which is true, but that has never really bothered him much before). I asked him that morning what his plans were for the day, and he mentioned he was going to do some laundry. I found that odd actually because we had pretty much done all the laundry over the weekend. The sheets were about the only thing left. But this is also why I wasn't tipped off about it right away. What did grab my attention is that they were still in the dryer when I got home. He had all day to do them - that and a couple other clues (like the ring still being off) looked to me like he did it last minute. He is not very detail-oriented and misses things, especially when he is in a hurry or out of routine.

5. When I confronted him, he was very understanding of my anger and suspicions - wasn't defensive or blame shifting towards me at all. He even apologized for putting me in that situation. When I asked him if he had come home to that what would he have done, he said he would have kicked me out and gone through all my stuff to find the truth. I felt like he was showing all the shame, guilt, regret (about the condom being in the trash, not necessarily any A), desperation and (some) remorse of someone caught cheating but without actually admitting to it. Like the mindset of "She doesn't really need to know the truth if I never do it again." If he was only JO'g, wouldn't he feel like I'm overreacting or that he doesn't deserve the same consequences as a cheater? Would an "innocent" person just accept their full punishment without ANY pushback because they are "so empathetic and remorseful"? Am I off base at all?

[This message edited by pollux31 at 11:18 AM, February 10th (Saturday)]

I’m following this so curious because I wasn’t aware you could DNA test a condom.

I asked a male friend about using a condom to JO, and he laughed. Then he suggested maybe the male in question was using a ‘sleeve’ toy (fleshlight?) and the condom was to keep it clean. Just throwing that out bc if it comes back with just his DNA maybe it’s a possibility? It seems like a very outside possibility, though.

As far as how he’s acting...one time probably two years before DDay I was doing laundry and found a condom in my ex’s pocket. It was unused, in the wrapper, but we didn’t use condoms (hadn’t since the post partum period which had been a few years, but we had some left in a drawer though I don’t know how many so hard to say if this condom came from there). I confronted him on it and he calmly told me some story, details of which I now can’t remember, about finding it on the floor in his class (he’s a HS teacher) and picking it up and shoving it in his pocket intending to throw it out and then forgetting about it. His reaction was so calm and unphased (and he always left wrapper and other trash in his pockets) that I accepted his answer. To this day, I wonder whether that was evidence of an A and he just fooled me. I guess my point is his reaction is hard to read. No one knows exactly how someone ‘should’ react, and only he knows at this point if he’s lying. I would assume if he’s had an A and knows you’re getting it tested he’d be freaking out, though. How’s his behavior in general? And have there been any other flags that raised your suspicion before this?

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 11:22 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

DryHeat, that's an interesting theory. Certainly plausible, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that's the case. I've searched all his accessible belongings, his purchases, and his GPS details (thank you Google) for the past 6 months. I will keep this in mind as I continue to dig and question him. Thank you.

I understand your perspective on evaluating his reactions. It's so tough because I could see it going either way :/ hence my drive to find as much concrete truth as I can. Aye it could still take another week to get those DNA results... X(

Man it's tough to say about your ex too. I probably would have believed him too, unless there was other suspicious activity, he had a history of lying, or I knew he was particularly cool-headed under pressure.

His behavior in general has been very good. He has made efforts to apologize (only for causing me such angst) and is forthcoming about his whereabouts, plans and who he's with. He openly let's me browse his phone and has given me passwords, etc. without hesitation. He has also been more thoughtful and attentive. Overall, he seems fairly relaxed though, carrying on as if the storm is behind us. We'll see how it changes once he knows I have info.

As for previous behavior, he's never done anything that's been an outright red flag, but there have been some little things that have roused some minor suspicions, mostly around when he travels. I always blamed my suspicion more on myself than him because I've felt guilty for my share of our intimacy issues, but as I'm digging, I'm finding more justification behind those suspicions - just not anything as concrete as the condom. I still have much to comb through though, so we'll see how the big picture shapes up.

[This message edited by pollux31 at 4:20 PM, February 9th (Friday)]

DryHeat, that's an interesting theory. Certainly plausible, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that's the case. I've searched all his accessible belongings, his purchases, and his GPS details (thank you Google) for the past 6 months. I will keep this in mind as I continue to dig and question him. Thank you.

I would bet the chances this explains it are less than 1%, but figured I’d throw it out there as it could be something he’d be too embarrassed to admit. But...yeah...I’m so sorry you’re here and dealing with all this uncertainty and hope you get answers soon.

pollux, have you received the results yet?

Its already been said, but im going to say it again bc its so absurd.

No one in the history of jerking off has ever used a condom to jerk off. Ever. E V E R.

Sorry about your situation.

Source: am a guy.

Just one teeny bit of advice.

Before you open the results, sit him down and tell him what you did and he has one last opportunity to come clean.

Don't do that. Get your information for yourself, then make a decision on how to proceed. Knowledge is power, dangling a sealed envelope in front of him (or whatever) is just weird and unproductive. He's had plenty of time to be honest, and it's also possible that the results will be something you don't anticipate. You need knowledge, not a bargaining chip.

Ideally you'd get the information, then run everything by your supporters here, *then* proceed.

I asked a male friend about using a condom to JO, and he laughed. Then he suggested maybe the male in question was using a ‘sleeve’ toy (fleshlight?) and the condom was to keep it clean. Just throwing that out bc if it comes back with just his DNA maybe it’s a possibility? It seems like a very outside possibility, though.

I was thinking he was maybe humping a cantaloupe or a watermelon. Only reason to wear a rubber for self-lovin'.

But another human is probably the most likely answer.

Thanks for checking in on me! No results yet :/ They are due to me by tomorrow afternoon. I haven't brought much up with him recently - just been being cordial in front of the kids and investigating every nook and cranny any time I can. It's exhausting :( He's been acting extra considerate and loving and on his best behavior, but also like this whole thing has blown over (maybe faking it in hopes I don't bring it up again?).

I was hoping to sit him down for another talk this weekend with everything I know and see how much truth he tells. I wasn't planning to tell him what the report says (at least not right off the bat) but that I did read it, and see what he confesses to (especially if it says there's no other DNA). I like the idea of checking back here first though about my strategy, so I will do that.

[This message edited by pollux31 at 1:41 PM, February 15th (Thursday)]

I might have missed this, but did you find the wrapper for the condom too? If so, where was it?

Any update?

You know what? I didn't find a wrapper. I didn't even think to look for one. It definitely wasn't out on the bedside table or anything. I didn't see it anywhere in the bathroom nor in the trash, meaning that it wasn't on top of or right next to the condom. But I didn't really go digging for it either. I'm still not sure how much it would tell though because the bathtub was definitely involved.

I have not read the entire thread. However, if any of your hair was in the trash, or if you picked up the condom with your fingers, then won't your DNA be in the outside of the condom?

Pollux, I think it's even more concerning that you didn't find a wrapper for the condom. If he was masturbating, the wrapper would be there. There would be no reason for it not to be. But if there was an OW, maybe she took it to help hide it.

Devotedman, I sent a swab of my own DNA so they could rule me out. I did have to touch the condom at the opening because I had to tie a rubber band around it I advised them of this too.

The wrapper was probably in the trash too - I just didn't go digging for it. I feel like if an OW thought enough to hide a wrapper, she would have advised that the condom be disposed of better as well too, yeah?

Yeah, if she thought of it at all.

Thanks for the answer to the DNA question.

Good luck and a fist bump to you }{

UPDATE: Got the results!

NO female DNA on the condom at all. Only male DNA and what was on the outside matched what was on the inside. Looks like hubby was telling the truth, though I won't be letting on when I approach him. I still have questions about some other things I have found and don't want him to feel like he's off the hook.

Any advice for approaching this without lying? I was thinking of saying something like "You know deep down how the report came back. It revealed the truth. So tell me everything." and i would ask my questions and see how his answers matched up to what I've learned of his actions that day (and other days/items in question).

And presuming all checks out and there was no infidelity, do we still pursue IC over MC? Yes, right?

[This message edited by pollux31 at 5:22 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

That's great, the results.

Why do you remain suspicious?

I'm sorry, I really have no advice, but I'm curious where you send something like this to for DNA testing ,and how expensive it is. Asking for a friend...:)

I was thinking of saying something like "You know deep down how the report came back. It revealed the truth. So tell me everything." and i would ask my questions and see how his answers matched up to what I've learned of his actions that day (and other days/items in question).

IDK, I think you might give him a heart-attack, since we now must believe he was telling the truth about it just being a weird masturbation thing. It seems like there are better ways to build trust and open the lines of communication than to imply the science said something it didn't say. I would personally just tell him the truth that you are relieved by the results, but still concerned about some things that don't add up.