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When your BS feels ugly as a result of your betrayal & can't fathom how they could possibly be attractive to you, is there anything you can do to show them that isn't true?

sorry, i didn't know how to remove the stop sign. Would someone be able to do that for me please?

I removed the Stop Sign for you. BS's can now post within the guidelines of this forum.

I'm a BS of only a couple of weeks. When I look at photos of myself my face reminds me of bland pudding. I used to have a pretty good self-esteem.

I don't think there's anything you can do, except to remind them of their attractiveness to you frequently. Make it honest and expect to be brushed off. To me, the BS, the "you're beautiful" sounds false and hollow. I think it's because the words don't match the actions of his looking outside the relationship for a sex partner. Having said that, nothing matches anything right now. Maybe with time?

When you marry someone you are picking this person above all other. Vows to foresake all others.

When you have an affair you have opened your heart and body to another. You picked someone else to fulfill you.

I don’t think the WS can fix this. It takes a lot of internet stalking to see how gross the AP is. I have yet to see an AP that looks better than the spouse.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 6:22 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

OM was a handsome guy and he was good at saying all the right things and skilled between the sheets.

WW has said that none of that mattered. But it does to me. There's nothing I can do about it though.

OM may be nice looking on the outside, but I like to think that I'm better on the inside. This is something that I doubt a WS can do anything about, it's just another mountain that the BS has to climb alone.

This is a very touchy subject for most BS. I literally went through this conversation today. We feel like we are plan C, like you had to settle for whatever reason.

I explained it like this. I felt like a Ford Taurus station wagon. Fairly reliable, very practical, and suits your family perfectly. Granted, probably not the car you're super proud of at times, but always there.

You went to the dealership. You found that new sports car. Man did it shine! Totally impractical, and you knew that would break down quickly. But, that's stick shift felt really good in your hands! That car brought too much cost, so you had to settle and drive your old Ford Taurus station wagon.

The difference is, cars don't have feelings, people do. Show him off. Let your BS hear you talk to your friends about how great he is. I'm assuming that you are a WW, so your job is to show him that you want to be with him. Take him to a sports bar. Don't look at another person in there. Stare at him until you almost feel uncomfortable. Take him home, and try to make him feel like the only man in the world.

I'm talking about this, because I wish this is what my wife would do. You need him to understand that you only have eyes for him, and that you understand how badly you want him to know that.

I sincerely wish you luck in this. You don't want his ego to be hit so badly that he can't picture staying with you.

My H has told me every day since Dday that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and that his ONS's were "not pretty". Uh huh...I have a very hard time accepting his complements. I look at myself in a much more critical way than I used too. I used to be very comfortable in my skin. I'm reasonably attractive..but now, as the poster said above, I also feel like "bland pudding". (Btw, that made me laugh a little). It's a good description of how I feel. Do I look like bland pudding for real? I'm not sure, H says I look great but I saw his texts to his ONS's..praising their "sexiness" and calling them "beautiful".

So, my confidence is in the crapper. I wonder sometimes if it will ever come back.

I have a question. Was your AP more attractive to you than your BH? It’s important to be honest to yourself about this because if he was a George Clooney clone and your BH looks like Danny Devito, he won’t believe a word you have to say about it.

My AP was actually less attractive than my husband. I affaired down, as I think the saying goes. Still, I’ve been complimenting my BH practically every day since DDay. More importantly, I initiate sex, I cuddle, I play with his hair, I tell him what I love about him. His personality traits and characteristics and his physical attributes. I hug him. I kiss him randomly. These were all steps for me cause I wasn’t the lovey dovey shmoopy poo type. But I did and do love him with everything I am and I knew I needed to show him that. So I went out of my comfort zone and did it and still do it.

You will get rejected. He might also show disinterest. Don’t let that stop you. My BH and I didn’t have sex for 7 months after DDay (his choice). I respected his space and boundaries but made it clear that I wanted to. I dressed sexy. No sweats to sleep. I hate sleeping naked but I practically froze my butt off trying to entice him. Little touches. Showing gratitude. Saying I love you. You know what to do. You must have done it when you were first together. Bring that girl back.

I’m a BW whose WH was attracted to OW primarily because of her appearance - because she was much, much more physically attractive than I am. I’m on two minds on how to answer this, because this knowledge has hurt me in ways I never could have imagined.

I’ve never been one to prioritize appearance. I’m average on a good day, and I’ve always been at peace with that. I thought I married someone who, like me, placed a greater priority on education, character, a good sense of humor, etc. Learning that my husband and I did not share the same values, and that he did not think I was attractive enough to remain faithful to? It has been an agony unlike anything I could have imagined.

On the other hand, while my self-esteem was dealt a pretty severe blow after DDay, one thing I realized was that I’d rather be me ...bland pudding, I guess ... than someone whose appearance is the means to use and be used by others, which was the case with my H’s AP.

What I am saying is, your husband will have to work through much of this himself. He will need to regain his sense of self independent of your actions, and I think that comes with doing the work he must now do, including allowing himself to go through the stages of grief.

The other part is your consistently and lovingly showing him you want to be with him. Some BSs want to hear their WS tell them they’re beautiful or similar reassurances. I don’t, because I think my H’s idea of beauty is not really in sync with my own, and also because it feels like he were to tell me I’m ‘beautiful’ now, it would just be to make me feel better, and that feels fake. But as much as anything, I don’t want to hear it because he said that to her when he’d never said it to me, and even three years out, it’s something of a trigger.

I think I’ve finally reached a place where I believe my H wants to be with me, but in my head, I still sometimes add “even though I’m not ...”. Not always, though - sometimes I let myself trust that bit of SI wisdom that says the A wasn’t about the BS or even the AP - that it was about a hole in the WS’s bucket. I guess that’s a sign of progress.

If you told your AP that he was hot - and especially if you told him he was better in any way than your BH - please be gentle and sincere with your BH without overdoing the words. Even when the BS sees that the AP was ’less than ______’ in every way, betrayal trauma takes a long, long time to recover from and heal.

We BSs can’t help but compare ourselves to the people that our spouses thought were worth the pain we feel now. Don’t try to negate what you told the AP by complimenting your husband on the same things. Instead, try to tell him what it is about him that you love. Be specific, not general: “You’re a great dad!” will make him think “....but not good enough to remain faithful to”. If you say, “I saw how patient you were when you explained that math problem to Liam; I think it really helped him to understand how to break down each question and tackle them with confidence.” You might want to add, “Thank you for letting me be here to see that.” My husband still thanks me nearly three years later, and it has helped me to see that he’s still paying attention.

You can’t ‘fix’ your BS, but you can show him you see him and value him for who he is. With consistency and a lot of time, and if he’s doing the work that he now must do, I think he’ll get to a place of trust and healing. But until then, expect a lot of bumps in the road - this stuff is so hard.

Wishing you and your BS all the best -

Sooo this is so tough. When I met my fWH I was so in love on so many levels but the main one was that he truly loved me for me. I have never been skinny always a little chubby. 5’3 105 was the smallest and when we got married I was 130. So not thin. People would tell me I was beautiful but I never saw it. I look like a cross between Ingrid Bergman and Sofia Loren and curvy too which I hated growing up. Anyhow he made me feel accepted.

The first time he started with his EAs I was devastated and started to feel ugly. This stems from my sexual abuse as a child and I gained weight to try to stop it. I figured get fat and ugly and no one will touch you. It worked through my adolescence but my self esteem was destroyed along with people calling me names and my family making fun of me cuz I was fat. As I self healed I lost weight and I became more confident but as many of you know it’s all connected.

All his EAs were with twenty something just out of college. We married late so that was a knife in my back right there.

So when fWH finally had his PA well I was completely destroyed. she was an ugly really ugly horrible figure 25 yr old midget and I was 47. And little people are beautiful she wasn’t a little person just a short. Cuz I’m so tall at 5’ 3.

But the point is that it shattered me. I’m a shell of my self and gained so much weight after I lost the affair weight. because I know that no one would ever want me if he did this with such an ugly girl. And no matter what he says I just don’t believe him especially since he said he blamed me for his affair because I was ugly and overweight. He said he only said it to hurt me but guess what that’s all I can believe.

That’s why it’s impossible to get back for women that have self esteem or self image issues. It goes back so far that any trust that was gained is completely lost.

I edited to add that I focused on my studies and dance. Those were my passions and I have a post graduate degree. I would continued my PhD had we not met. So I wasn’t dependent on my looks plus I thought I was horrid. Funny I look back now at those photos and wish I could tell that girl she was beautiful and not to doubt herself ever.

I hope this helps.

Sorry for the long rant.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 10:11 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

From a personal belief, a BS will always feel ugly, less than, even if in the bottom of their heart they know the truth.

Perhaps I should replace the "they" and "them" with "me."

You see, I know in the depths of my soul that I am not ugly or uglier than. I certainly don't weigh more, nor am I older or less attractive. But, I am insecure, and my WH helped to contribute. As did you to your spouse.

There will be NOTHING you can do to change the opinion of your BS. You Helped to heap those feelings already had on. You helped to contribute to the insecure. Because, in my opinion, if your BS had any self-esteem you would not be asking this question. You would be asking how to retrieve that spouse back.

I say this because like your BS I am still here and shouldn't be.

My WH affaired down and that I know for sure from stalking the ow on SM where she would post her best pics (don’t we all?) and she was still nowhere near me in attractiveness. I am not big headed, I am an attractive woman and get a lot of attention myself. Ow and myself are the same age so no threat there either. We both had two kids. She had some surgeries and has big scars on her body while I don’t. Nothing wrong with that I am just putting it in context. The only thing she had was really nice full lips and impeccable teeth.

Saying that while I know all of this I still feel unattractive for my WH. If he risked me for that than it means for me that he was sick of my beauty and my body after so many years of marriage. There was a quote of SM once that said something along the lines of “that woman looking amazing you see passing by, remember somebody is sick of her at home”. And that is how I feel. He didn’t see me as other men saw me anymore, he knew every bit of my body and was bored with it.

He’s doing his best telling me I am beautiful and attractive. Truth is I don’t feel like that for him. I know that for him I am just a used and known body, nothing new and exciting.

The problem is I can’t seem to get my head around it. I keep wondering why wouldn’t I start afresh with somebody who first respects me and wouldn’t cheat on me and secondly who would see me like a goddess from an attractive point of view.

The funny bit is that if I would have asked someone a year ago who would cheat on who in our marriage they would have thought it would have been me because I get the attention more than my WH. But I have values and self respect.

I keep looking at Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Come on, with his ugly looks did he really cheat on that goddess? He did...

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm better in every way than my wife's AP. In a weird sense, that makes it worse.

I almost wish he had been some heart throb. I could at least say that she wrecked our marriage to be with a dreamboat or something.

I agree with what others have said. With that being said, she killed my self esteem.

This guy had no money. He was balding and fat. He had back troubles. He was a total drunk.

At the time, I was in great shape. But it didn't matter. I wasn't good enough for her.

I know that I'm better than that, but it still really eats me up.

Yes, she was prettier than me, he told me, that he was attracted to her physically. In my head I see myself as good looking and I'm always a bit surprised, when I see myself in a mirror. Objectively speaking, I'm probably good looking for a 54 year old, no gray hair thanks to genetics, I do yoga & Pilates 6 days a week, I'm fit and have lots of muscles, I have maybe 10 pound too much to be actually slim, but still, I think I'm OK. I was always confident in my looks, but didn't think it was important, because he is extremely good looking, I mean gorgeous and model-like and I was sure, he didn't pick me for my looks.

Then the DDay came (11 years ago) and my confidence was shattered. Because in our relationship the looks didn't matter, he never complimented me much before and after DDay, when I needed it the most, he didn't now, how to do it. Well, he actually told me, if looks were important to him, he wouldn't be with me. He meant it as a compliment, I checked. Twice. As you can see, he is rubbish at making compliments.

Not much of an advice from me, I'm afraid. I would have loved toe hear, that something is special about me and my looks, something, that is very specific, like you have beautiful eye color or extremely long legs or nice skin or nice shaped ears, something, that is not too generic. It would have been nice

Being consistent in your words. Never give up. Remind them off why you find them attractive and to me this isn't always involving the physical sense. I like to think I'm attractive to him because we share our interests and hobbies we get each other's quirks etc when he reminds me of things he loves to share with me and why, that makes me feel attractive in a sense that doesn't fade with age/time and ow was never a part of or competition. In my case I didn't feel threatened by her looks. I was actually baffled by her when I saw her. Much older than me and not his type, I remember thinking you cheated for that?

I’m a bw. The AP was prettier than me. But not from all kinds of perspectives. I have a better body, she had a more classic shaped face. That is how I judge myself.

For whatever reason, perhaps it is in finding self worth, I am starting to see my own beauty.

Her smile never made it to her eyes. Not once.

My smiles practically jump out at you. I’m pretty in your face with my emotions. To me, that honest way of living....to me is so beautiful. And you can see it in others too!

You can’t help her with her own self esteem and finding her self worth again, but finding your why and explaining why it wasn’t about looks or acts, but a deficit of yours that it happened. That it has nothing to do with her.

That, in my opinion, is helpful.

I'm 4 years out and my BH hasn't said the words "settled" or plan b" in a year. He has acknowledged that he no longer believes I settled. I did it the exact same way MrsWalloped did. It took years but I did it....I still do it. Every.Single.Day. I've worked my ass off to win my husband back. I further agree with MrsWalloped that you know what to do. What's hard is staying consistent in the face of rejection and anger. It's really hard to pursue someone who hates you but pursue you must. Consistently....forever. They never forget so you must remind them everyday that it was worth it for them to give you the gift of R. Every.Single.Day.

It's hard because it's a lie.

A BS feels ugly in the eyes of their WS because of the evidence presented to them. I am not sure what you can do to undo that. It's part of the permanent damage that is caused by infidelity.

In my case the other guy is objectively goofy looking (which leads to other questions that haunt me... but that's for another time).

Meanwhile, I started working out like crazy when I sensed my wife puling away more (thinking like an idiot that it might be my appearance driving her away... I had gained a little weight, but nothing crazy). Anyways, working out even harder since dday and in the best shape of my life.

IF this were not the case, I would certainly like to hear that I am more attractive than the OM (in every way). Staying silent on the issue would be better than saying OM was more attractive IMO. I suppose there are cases where it is obvious, but in a close call throw the BS a bone, again IMO. Repeat often.

[This message edited by Lazarus at 9:28 AM, February 6th (Tuesday)]