SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know that you fix this. Yes, I'm pretty. I've always been told that and always had success with men because I've always been attractive. But I'm 44. He slept with 21-year-olds. I cannot compete with that. Yes, me at 21 was hotter than them at 21, plus I wasn't a drug-addicted prostitute.

But still, I cannot compete with that. If that's what he wanted, he couldn't get that with me. No matter my character, no matter my 40-something year-old looks, he couldn't get that from me. It was the equivalent of if I'd been sleeping with a bunch of men with huge penises for a year. He'd never be able to get over that.

I may get wiser, I may find a better hairstyle, I may lose or gain weight, I may get a better wardrobe, but I will never get younger.

Nope, this may just be something you screwed up that has no solution. It is one of the most damaging aspects of it. He says he's really attracted to me and always was, and inwardly I laugh. Sure, but I'd be a lot hotter if I were still 21, right?

The only thing that helps is that I expect these young women were not impressed with his 40-year-old body and he was really making a fool out of himself if he for one second thought they found him attractive. He could only pull that if he paid them. He made an ass out of himself and became one of those really gross men who sleep with women not much older than their daughters not to mention contributing to their really sad lifestyles. It's nothing for him to be remotely proud of. He wrecked my self-esteem doing something that should have wrecked his own. His actions were pathetic.

Unfortunately this is just another consequence a BS suffers after an A. My WH's AP is not attractive in the stardard measure of beauty. She's buikt funny, does nothing with her scraggly hair, and has a shrill high pitched voice. All the more reason I never for a minute thought he would have an A with her. But he did. Her being unattractive does not help my self esteem. In fact when I think about it, it hurts it more. Like, if he can put himself in her, and say he had feelings for that, what's that say about me?

He tells me I'm beautiful or sexy all the time. My mind screams, "Sure, but not beautiful or sexy enough to keep you loyal to me". It actually makes me sad to hear him say those things to me. I know I'm going to have to build up myself, nothing he says or does can fix that part of me. It's a long tough road ahead for me. I no longer want him to see me naked, but even in the dark when he touches me, I feel like he feels all my imperfections. All you can really do is reinforce how beautiful/attractive your BS is to you, but don't just focus on looks, include personality too, but it's going to be once your BS builds themselves back up before they'll believe you.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 1:17 PM, February 6th (Tuesday)]

You cannot convince your BH of anything right now. It is going to take him years to process that you chose another man to supplant him.

I am not a handsome man at all. I have always known that and I was at peace with it long before my WW ever had her affair. Her OM was younger and much better looking physically than me. I know she found him very attractive... I don't need to ask her that question.

Since she moved back in she has doted on me and been very affectionate. But as far as building my self-esteem back, I have taken that burden on myself. I have determined not to allow my WW to be the one to define my value as a man. If she sees things in me that she admires, then that's nice, but her good opinion of me no longer matters to me in the grand scheme of my life.

I work out 5 nights a week, I jog a bit, I stay off the sugar and try to eat right. Where I have found my worth is in my personal and professional accomplishments. I have tasked myself with becoming as much of a renaissance man as I can be. I took up piano, I'm learning martial arts, and I read voraciously.

Your BH has to fix himself. It is up to him to find the value in himself. The best way you can help him and regain his trust is to work your ass off to show him that you are getting to the core of your issues, determining why you have shit for boundaries, and what you are going to do going forward to become a safe and worthy partner for him.

I can't tell you how many times I've used phrases like "consolation prize" and "back up plan" to my WH since DDay.

I have been fortunate enough in my life to be considered attractive by many. I couldn't feel uglier. It doesn't matter how many people find me attractive - I'm no longer attractive enough. It doesn't matter how many compliments I receive, I will never be good enough. For the first several weeks post DDay I cried every time I took a shower as I didn't want to see myself naked - as me naked wasn't enough.

My WH is trying - but I was one of those lucky women who received regular compliments from her spouse. Now, those compliments are hollow. He still gives, them. I can see in his face, he knows what he's done. I thank him as always, but I no longer blush and my eyes no longer twinkle. WH tells me he used to love how I walked - like I owned my own space. He tells me he used to love to watch me walk into a room. He now tells me it breaks his heart when he sees my shoulders slump. He says he can tell when I'm in public and putting on a show - others can't, but he knows how much it hurts to make it that way.

I am a former shell of what I once was. I am a firm believer that a person's confidence is what makes them so desirable. Mine has been shattered.

To answer specifically - the actions of the WS post DDay will go further than any words ever will. Because quite frankly all WS - we believed your words for far too long and look where that got us.

I don't like looking at myself naked either.

In the very beginning taking showers made me cry. Now I am a little better but it floods my head every time I go

In

Sadly, this is a really tough one to come back from. I can't speak for the women that were betrayed on here, but I can speak from the man's point of view, because I'm living it. I would assume it's the same for a woman, but of course there are obvious differences.

Our egos and self-worth is literally crushed into pieces. All of the times that we were there for our spouse when they were sick, when they were healthy, the joy of being in the room while our children were born, all of that stuff now seems to hold a different weight. Our lives are changed forever, and there's little to nothing that can be done about that. Just like time, you have BC and AD, which although may or may not be accurate, it's supposed to be based around when Jesus was on this Earth. That's always been an easy measure for me. Well, now we have BA and AA.

This hurts, because he now knows that physically and sexually, he doesn't measure up. I may be one of the only ones who think that it's not that big of a deal. Do I base my whole existence on how great I was in bed? My mechanic down the road can change my oil or my transmission much better and quicker than I can, does that mean he's a better person? Of course, rationally, that's how I want to believe. Emotionally, it is seriously a mind f@#k. I am now faced with the knowledge that I don't measure up sexually to this other person.

I used to be pretty confident in myself. I would get out of the shower and open the bathroom door and walk to the dresser naked and say "play your cards right, and you may get to see this again later". Romantic, I know. Now, if I'm getting changed and she's in the room, she's looking at my back. I don't feel adequate, and whether or not it happens, I feel the comparison. Whether or not she's doing it, I know that I am.

I know that I'm the better man. This isn't me just trying to comfort myself, but I know it to be true. I can look in the mirror everyday and be happy at the reflection, but I just can't let her see what I see in that mirror. I don't know if and when that will ever change to be honest.

My destroyed self esteem had truth to it...she was young, and pretty....I could not be 25 again, ever...

those were two facts, that would never change...

I held on to the fact, this had nothing to do with me....I had good morals and a good record..I was in good shape..I had not changed.

...I have gotten my self esteem back..but with it, came more disrespect for them.....I know my looks are fine...I have no particular complaint about my looks..If H has an issue with my looks, its like everything else...this is his issue...this is his brokenness...and I will not accept it as my own.

I can say, that any compliment from H was not welcome after the A...to me, it was lies..I didn't want to hear it..it felt like a comparison...Healing alone, puts more space between us..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 12:02 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

My wife called me one of the ugliest men she had known, when cutting me down. Then, I assaulted her AP, and dragged him into her office. He took one look at her, and let loose a stream of profanity that robbed her of her self esteem for a decade. In under 30 seconds she, her boss, and coworkers were told that she is a dead fish in bed, her ass is very very fat, and her tits sagged. He was spitting blood, and venom for that matter. When she took off running for her car, I could see that she was already on the verge of a breakdown. I wanted to hurt her so badly that for years after, I never acknowledged what he said to her. That blow to her self esteem, made her wake up to what she had done to us. I may have made the first mistake, she really screwed up.

The timing is usually terrible. Affairs always after the kids, a few years, when a womans metabolism comes to a screeching halt and we ate more self conscious than ever. An infidelty is throwing that carton of eggs down and stepping on them. WH could take a lie detector test and pass and I will still know Im ugly. Fact is, you dont see women like me on telemundo. Men dont kill themselves to open doors for women like me. I had lost some weight and started getting attention who would never give me the time of day previously. No one wants to look at women like me. Fact fact fact all day everyday. So maybe WH really thinks Im beauitful. But his actions say Im not. The world says Im not. His words mean nothing, so I cant believe he thinks I am. I have no logical reason whatsoever to beleive Im not ugly.

[This message edited by Shotintheheart at 12:20 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

Tell them what they need to hear. It just occurred to me that my WW hasn't told me I'm more attractive, more handsome etc. I know it, she affaired down, but still, would be nice to hear it from her (pretty much all the time would be good). Initiate sex. That is always going to help a man's ego. Think of all the things the AP was saying to you that you wanted/needed to hear, and figure out an analog for your BH. Tell him about the things you love and respect in him (make sure it isn't all practicality though, we're sensitive to the station wagon/sports care issue raised earlier... I'd consider myself more of a luxury SUV anyways ).

I get what some are saying about being honest, but you've shattered his ego, now rebuild it. If exaggerating his attractiveness is required... I'd say do it in a believable manner. At some point you were attracted to him, think about those things. Also, if I forgot to mention it, initiate sex.

At the end of the day, everyone "affairs down" - you are with someone (typically) that knows you are married and in some instances knows your BS as well.

Yes, feeling "pretty" is an important thing, but something that has to come from the inside. I think it's equally important to be able to look your BS in the face and tell them all the ways they are a better human being. Looks may or may not included on that list.

I am going to disagree slightly with Laz. I agree on focusing on the stong points, but I wouldn’t go so far as the tell him what they want to hear if it doesn’t ring true.

My EX in her desperation said things that just felt like her grasping for straws. Her AP was way younger, in better shape, and much bigger physically, so assuming the same downstairs. When she tried to tell me how much she loves my body and how great a lover I was it felt like a lie. I know her intentions were good, but it just pissed me off. She I guess was in a no win situation. I made it my mission to get in great shape, which I did. Unfortunately it took a separation 5 years later where it was my turn to go out with women, some younger, for me to get all the way back. These women had no agenda. They just found me attractive. With my EX, I never knew if it was really me, or just her attempt to save the marriage.

Whatever a WS says has to be authentic. They already have trust issues with their BS. No need to compound it. I wouldn’t tell them how much you loved the sex with the BS, but would focus on the positives of the BS and steer clear of comparison

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 4:45 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

My H’s AP was “fucking gorgeous” - to quote his foggy ass on dday. Yes - that cut deep. All he can do now, is to not do any further damage.

My H used to have a wandering eye...not horrible or overtly disrespectful, but i used to catch him trying to discreetly check out an attractive woman when we were out and about. I used to tease him about it. I caught him doing it once a few weeks after dday...it was a waitress (which OW happened to be) and i had an absolute break down right there in the bar. That was 5 and a half years ago. I haven’t caught him doing it since...he was horrified - at himself- to see me come undone at that behaviour and realized my tolerance for further damage was already at capacity.

What have I done to repair my self esteem? I rationalize it. If figure, there are beautiful women everywhere you go. Swing a cat in the mall and you’ll hit a hot, young thing every time. It’s always been that way...there’s always someone who’s prettier than everyone. My best friend in university was Eurasian - an exotic beauty...it never bothered me. She had her strengths and i had mine...i never wished to be her or want to trade positions with her. So...what about now? OW was gorgeous...so? She’s not better than me...i like who I am.

My husband didn’t cheat because of OW’s looks, he didn’t cheat because of my deficits. He cheated because of who he was at the time. It took a long time to get me to this point...I hope your husband reaches it too one day.

The Betrayed always assumes that because you cheated, of course your AP must be "better". A better person, better looking, better in bed .... all around better.

What the betrayed does not realize is that it never mattered what the AP looked like. The only thing that mattered was that the AP offered compliments and acted is if they cared, just enough to get laid ..... and keep getting laid. It doesn't even matter what the AP looks like. It's just a game.

is there anything you can do to show them that isn't true?

It really just takes time. Be there for your betrayed. My W and I sit next to eachother after work and she will rub my back or put her hand on my arm while we watch v or read. It makes me feel good knowing she's there with me, of course a light back rub is always nice and it's a way for her to show affection.

Do not go overboard on the compliments. But DO offer mild one's each day. Like "you look nice today", "you smell nice", "I love spending time with you".

One of the most important things I think you should do is to find the right time and place to tell your betrayed spouse that they are WAY better in every way than your AP ever was.

Let them know how stupid you were for thinking otherwise.

MrsWalloped and BlueIris hit the nail on the head, IMHO, when saying how important it is to repeatedly and regularly tell the BS the SPECIFIC things you love about them, and why…. even if it’s sometimes rejected or creates a stir/disbelief.

He says her looks wasn’t that big of a deal – but I absolutely do not believe him (may not have been a significant factor in A but was most certainly a factor - and is crushing to my self esteem [but if he gave a damn about my self esteem, I think he would have stopped the LTA). The thing is, she is not attractive. She IS thin, but not pretty (tho I suppose he wasn’t really interested in what was happening from the neck up!). And she is unquestionably not attractive “on the inside”, which as bizarre as it sounds, seems to bother my WH (Dday was bc OW contacted me, so in a weird way, my WH was betrayed by his AP).

My WH has ALWAYS told me I’m beautiful –even at my highest weight. But that all feels very hollow now. What does not feel hollow is him describing why he loves me, what he loves about me, why he wants to be married, how I can make him feel good/fulfilled, etc. I think it was BlueIris that said “see the value in who he is”. That is huge, IMHO.

You married your BS for a reason – and I suspect their looks was not the only reason – search for all of those reasons and SAY THEM – regularly and repeatedly.

And MrsWalloped is right – you know what to do.. but it’s scary knowing the BS may reject the compliment(s) (and that WILL happen – at least sometimes). As hurt/angry as I am as a BS, I feel it must be hard for the WS to “walk on eggshells” while we ride this crazy rollercoaster of recovery.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:25 PM, August 30th, 2019 (Friday)]

If you show a picture of a normal, healthy person who is at or under their body-fat index a person with anorexia will look at it and see an obese person. Show them a picture of a person starving in a concentration camp and they will see a person who looks just right. Anorexia is a emotional illness and this is simply one of the symptoms.

When my wife cheated on me she threw emotional acid in my face. My psyche, my self-esteem was so damaged that I never saw myself as attractive again. Intellectually I know I'm at least somewhat attractive as I'm told this by others, but in my minds eye I see myself as ugly. What I'm saying is that the trauma of her cheating scared me forever and there is nothing that will ever heal that scar. I can rationalize it intellectually but I will never feel anything but ugly. My wife did this to me, but she can never make it better.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:52 PM, March 10th (Saturday)]

This is a tough one.

I received a lot of attention from men over the years. I always knew that men found me attractive. I never looked for it and in some ways I tried to make that attraction go away....CSA and foo issues.

WH was told many times that he was lucky to have me and some asked how he got someone like me. He always made it sound like it was a compliment to him but I know that down deep he felt like they were saying he was not good enough looking for me. I have never felt like that. I always found WH attractive.

I knew MOW. I can confidently say that there is nothing about her that is more attractive than me. Especially her personality. Even before knowing she is morally bankrupt, I considered her to have a horrible personality. Most people I knew, that knew her also, didn't like her- at all.

I don't think there is a situation where a BS doesn't feel ugly. For me, I knew she wasn't better looking or a better person in any way so I felt ugly and horrible about myself because he chose her over me. He debased himself in a parked car, in parks where children play, during the daytime, with THAT. What must his opinion of me be? Does WH prefer THAT over me? I must look way worse than I thought of myself.

WH would tell me I am beautiful and sexy. How do you believe that its true when he was wanting to spend time with THAT. How do you believe someone when you know that they have lied for so long. How do you believe someone who wanted someone else over you. Maybe not over you, but as well as anyway.

Infidelity causes some real serious trauma for BS and self esteem and confidence takes the biggest hit.

The only advise I can tell you is to tell your BS how attractive they are regularly but more importantly show them through your actions. The way you look at them, they way you speak with them, the way you make love with them. Make them feel like there is no one else in the room, just the two of you. If you don't mean it though, it will show.

This one is tough. You did the damage and can’t clean up the mess on your own. I felt like trash to my H. Every flaw I ever though I had was magnified. I felt like I wasn’t enough. So now what?

I had to seek my own healing. Taking care of myself better was important. I now put myself first in some ways did my own self-esteem. I work out. I do my nails. I’ve bought myself new clothes. I get massages. Basically I am practicing self care and it is helping.

It has helped over time that my H compliments me, noticed details, and is sexually attracted to me. It is tricky because he didn’t notice before but he keeps pushing forward.

There is some danger. I now feel attractive again. I am. The problem now is that I feel attractive to other men. I still feel old and not so attractive to me H no matter what he does because is his last actions. I don’t feel special anymore. I’m still upset. I don’t have any advice in this part.