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So far what I do know is trickle truth is deadly to an already threatened relationship. Every time a new fact comes out, I die more inside.

More truth, more triggers, more nausea. I've been through a lot in my life. Never more though than facing that he's been lying to me for a year.

I totally agree with you. I tried to explain that to my WH, but it's like he doesn't get it. When so much has already happened, and there is so much to process, more trickle truth/lying is completely destabilizing and just erodes any goodwill that you have managed to build up. It is traumatizing and that is exactly how I feel each time: more dead inside.

I wish I didn't know how you feel, but I do. I'm so sorry.

I just want to scream at my WH to stop f*ing things up further. The sick thing inside them that wants to keep secrets is so damaging. I don't know why they think they are saving anything by giving half truths. It's certainly not sparing our feelings. It's just making us crazy.

I totally agree with you. I tried to explain that to my WH, but it's like he doesn't get it. When so much has already happened, and there is so much to process, more trickle truth/lying is completely destabilizing and just erodes any goodwill that you have managed to build up. It is traumatizing and that is exactly how I feel each time: more dead inside.

I wish I didn't know how you feel, but I do. I'm so sorry.

I just want to scream at my WH to stop f*ing things up further. The sick thing inside them that wants to keep secrets is so damaging. I don't know why they think they are saving anything by giving half truths. It's certainly not sparing our feelings. It's just making us crazy.

I remember d day 2 and him telling me some stuff. I wanted to hit him. He said it was because once caught he was to afraid I would leave him if I learned everything at once. Selfish, all about them!

As Prickle Patch said, trickle truth isn't because the cheater 'doesn't get it.' They get it just fine.

Trickle truth is about damage control for them, and making sure they don't lose their wife and family.

It has nothing to do with being too obtuse to 'understand' how damaging their continued lying is.

Sadly, the simple truth is that their need to cover their own hide and not get tossed out the front door supersedes any need they might have to relieve you of the continued pain their constant lying and cheating has caused.

Reconciliation is a gift you give a cheater, it's not something you owe them. And when they're still lying their face off, you don't owe them a damned thing.

Thanks for the responses! I agree with all of you.

NoMercy I love your no nonsense attitude. I have so much to learn.

Trickle truth is a major reason that my attempt to reconcile failed. I told my ex-cheater upfront that if she keeps lying it would destroy any chance at reconciliation. However she didn't listen, over months more truth came out re traumatizing me every time. I told her you need to stop the affairs and tell me the truth about it all but she didn't, she kept cheating and lying, then she stopped cheating but kept holding back the truth.

In my case, WW claims to have said everything that happened, everything that went through her head, everything.

Yet every time I bring the subject up, there is always some little detail that she forgot: AP is more this or that or the other. Their music, because they have a specific music genre, was always on – until I told WW that the music itself was triggering for me. Now she only listens to it while I am away doing errands (Yes, she is still foggy, or doesn’t give a shit. I don’t care either way: working on exit.)

This little game of hidden truths has completely eroded whatever possible R we may have had, and brought many other layers of mistrust and suspiciousness. Is that credit account valid? Is there another, secret, credit card? Why is the CC that I know about not updating on Mint? Where the fuck did the money went? What happened last summer?

We have gone through all kinds of books everyone is in IC, we have updated family goals and all that, but at this point the continuous TT, even tough WW claims that she has said everything, has eroded the possibility of a R.

My trickle truth ended, the night before a surprise polyograph. I told him he had from now till the poly to tell me everything. All that bought him was not to automatically divorce him. I told him this prior to him leaving for ic. He came home and sang like a bird. We remained in house separation for quiet awhile longer. I wanted to see his actions and get his why before I agreed to reconcile.

TT and the lies are what made the situation 100 times worse. It did make it easier to emotionally detach.

I've been through 2 cancers, lost my first pregnancy, lost both of my parents, just to name a few of my trials, but none of those have caused me as much pain as learning my husband had kept secrets from me for most of my marriage. I agree with everything you guys are saying!

More trickle truth today. He's admitted to another relationship. I'm 3 weeks from D-day. I can't stand it.

Aw sweetie. That's another D-Day more than TT.

What IS he doing to help you? What are you doing to help you (IC?)?

Have you talked to a lawyer to understand your options, just for education?

I am so sorry. Are your bitch boots nearby? (Mine were hard to find for nearly a year after D-Day... but find them I did).

Sending strength....

-BB

TT and lies will destroy a marriage and kill your soul. But you do reach your limit where you say, "Okay, I know enough to know how I want to proceed from here." There is no timeline for that and everyone is different in reaching that point, but if it doesn't stop and honesty and transparency begin, R cannot take place successfully.

My ex did it to me. He would only admit to whatever I could prove. Nothing else. I finally reached a point of no return where I just didn't even both trying to get the full truth because I knew it would never happen. I just didn't care at that point. I also knew we were done so it didn't really matter what new revelations occurred.

I'm sorry you are hurting, Coreofsteel. Deep breaths. Know that we are here for you, and we understand that horrible feeling only too well. Post and read often!

Oh man.

TT is the WORST! NoMercy is right, though. TT has nothing to do with the WS trying to save you from more pain. It has everything to do with saving as much of their own ass as possible. That is what they are worried about. Unfortunately, most WS will only admit to what you can prove. For me (at least so far, Dday was exactly two months ago) I have had three separate revelations. Not separate affairs, just different things about an affair with one woman. All of which I discovered on my own. All TT does is prolong and sometimes completely halt any kind of progress we might be making towards R. Try to find out as much as you can as fast as you can. The truth is power and also helps protect us from making decisions we might regret later. Good luck!

BearlyBreathing you're right. It's another D-day.

Core of steel,

I remember telling him this is like a torture of a thousand cuts.

I am lucky in a way I just don’t remember dates. It has saved me a lot of pain down the road.

Please be gentle with yourself. In my mind I new my limit with his nonsense aka cheating. My FWH was an idiot who made bad choices because he thought he deserved it. I sure didn’t deserve it. You sure don’t deserve it.

Please try to figure out a line in the sand or a boundary it helps. If you can’t that is ok. Otherwise make him treat you the way you deserve to be treated like the most precious person in the world.

This is no longer about him, it is all about you. What do you want?

Hi there, everyone. Thanks so much for the support! PricklePatch, I just want the pain to go away.

TT is so about the WS. Omission is a lie - if you give honesty - you deserve it in return.

Whatever motive WS has for TT - it is always about protecting themselves- not you. BS don’t rate very highly to WS.

So we do the 180 and rate ourselves highly to us.

All of your words resonated with me - and I know my decision to be apart is the only one that will give me peace of mind. Difficult but better than the constant eroding of self esteem and self wirth that occurrs when cheaters hand out TT