SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Zoe

Just checking in. How are ya doing?

Stevesn thank you for checking on me. I am all packed and leaving for Canada tomorrow.

I didn't listen to the wise advice given here, and I regret it. I didn't want to stop talking to him before I left. So we have been talking about things, I thought it was really open and productive. I felt so good about it. We went on a date last night. I slept with him. I know. So stupid.

I thought we really had turned a corner. Then today, he is back at work and messaging with her. He is helping me bring my bags to the airport tomorrow and then meeting her for lunch to "tell her everything" about what's been going on and "why our counsellor fired us because she can't help us if we don't both want the same thing". I hate him. I know, I am stupid and I should have listened.

I just don't know how or when to really 180 at this point. When he left for work today everything was great. What reason do I give to say, we can't talk. Should I say it before I leave, or wait until I get to Canada and send him an email? I know I don't need to keep telling him what to do, but my behaviour has been so non-180 I feel like I need to say something.

Lalagirl, thanks so much for sharing your story. This is exactly what I need to do but oh my, it's so hard.

I am more numb than I have ever been. I feel like I can't even cry anymore. This actually feels more scary than being sad. But maybe it is just the way it needs to be to get through this last day and get myself on the plane.

Thanks again for your support.

I will be the asshole and ask: how can you convert as many family assets to your assets as possible? Talked to a lawyer yet? Put yourself first. He won’t.

Zoe

Never be hard on yourself. This stuff is hard. No one practices to become perfect at dealing with infidelity.

You can send him a no contact email. Tell him that knowing he is still in the affair means that you are breaking up with him. You can’t be with someone that lives In infidelity. If she is what he wants then he is all hers now. Be very clear that you cannot work on a three way marriage so you are ending it.

Then schedule a meeting next week with a lawyer and start the process. Start working with the lawyer and figure out how to have him served.

At the same time when you get there find a good IC that specializes in infidelity. You will need that support.

Zoe, don’t be hard on yourself. But please please please stop even responding to this user and abuser. He is mentally abusing you. You the person he vowed to love and protect forever. He does not care for you no matter what he says. He is a wolf in sheeps clothing that knows how to get to your emotions.

There are 10,000 men out there who would love to treat you as an equal, as a true partner and as the strong women that you are.

He doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve what he is doing to you.

Please look inside yourself and find the strength for the next 24 hours to say to yourself, I don’t need this abuser. Get yourself on that plane tomorrow and tell yourself what a great life you are going to make, because everyone here knows it’s true.

Keep posting. We can help but only if you want to help yourself.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:13 AM, February 27th (Tuesday)]

PlanC, I did speak to a lawyer. I know what I am entitled to.

There isn't much more I can do for the assets. They are all his.

[This message edited by ZoeS at 3:00 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

Oh and one more thing.

Find another way to the airport. Can you find a friend to bring you? Call a taxi or Uber?

After all he has done HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO SEE YOU OFF.

In fact, if it were me. I’d leave today while he is at work and get a room at the airport hotel and go NC on his sorry ass.

You got this Zoe. You do.

Stevesn thank you. You're right.

I do want to help myself and this was maybe the last humiliation I needed to show me what he really is. It's just so unbelievable after all these years that he could be this person. He seems so sweet and gentle but he's a manipulative asshole. He's obviously been placating me so I'll get on the plane while he keeps eating cake.

You're right, I don't deserve to be abused like this and I won't be.

I will get myself to the airport.

He had sex with you, and then today has has messaged these things to his girlfriend. I guess the sex was consensual, but there are undertones here of sexual abuse and rape. Nothing illegal. But this dude is seriously abusing you. Having sex with you under false pretenses. More than a dick move. It's an abusive move. Guessing his girlfriend wouldn't love it either...seems like he left the sex part out of his messages.

I'm sorry. I find it so crushing to read all of this. I'm so sorry that you're in this cycle.

You've struggled to follow the advice here (*so* understandable; we all struggled), and you've regretted it. Somewhere inside you is a place that understands that if you just do the things we're advising you to do, things will go better for you and you'll feel better.

So please, please, please follow this advice: do not let this piece of shit take you to the airport. You've been degraded enough. Don't let him degrade you any further. You will regret every single moment you spend with him on your way to, or inside of, that airport.

Whatever 180 mistakes you make in the next 24 hours, don't let him take you. Honestly, if you can, leave tonight. Stay in the nearest hotel to the airport. Leave right now if you can, before he gets back from work.

If you haven't already, screenshot every single one of the messages he's sent to his girlfriend. Email them to yourself and save them on your flash drive.

If I had my way, this is what you'd do:

1) Print out every single message you can between your husband and his girlfriend since you discovered his affair.

2) Put them in a stack on your kitchen table, with today's right at the top (the one where he explains he's taking you to the airport, then meeting her for lunch), leaving no other note or explanation. (aside: what a fucking douche bag...he's planning to meet her directly after dropping you off. Directly after.)

3) Get your bags and a cab, leave your apartment. Leave no note, send no text.

4) Go to a hotel and pay for the room with cash

5) Get yourself an amazing dinner

6) Respond to 0% of your husband's bullshit manipulative texts and phone calls

7) Get to the airport as early as possible. Do not let him "surprise" you at the airport. Seriously, get there 6 hours early if you can. Get through security so that he can't follow you (I don't know how German airports work, actually)

8) Get home. Take a breath. Start your new life.

The leaving behind the letters isn't necessary and may actually be ill-advised -- others may have a different perspective -- but man would I like to see that boss move happen.

ZoeS, don't for a moment consider yourself degraded. Don't beat yourself up for loving him. You are removing yourself from the equation. Take care of you. He has to fix himself. You are strong and mighty.

Going forward, limit your communication to practical matters. (((Hugs))

Absolutely get a ride to the airport. Leave today and stay in a hotel tonight. Think of the sex you had as your goodbye to him. Don’t feel guilty. He is toxic and will definitely resume the affair when you leave. You are better than being plan B. Take care and safe travels.

I am so proud of you. You are leaving infidelity behind. You are standing up for you! Becoming a stronger and more confident woman. Of course he was happy to have sex with you like this. It is a very sexy quality.

Please book some IC to conitinue to gain your confidence. You are doing something amazing here. Please keep us informed of how things go for you. I cannot wait to see how your world opens up for you.

I've read this whole thread and I can't believe this guy. Get on that plane and get on with your life, sister! He's cheated on you twice that you know of, and doesn't seem to have any intention of stopping. He does NOT DESERVE a woman like you. Go lick your wounds, find a new man, and be happy.

ZoeS, I do also want to reiterate what the others are saying. You are doing a fantastic job. Everything you've posted has demonstrated that you're a thoughtful, loving, intelligent person, working extremely hard to navigate one of the most horrific things a person can go through. And while you may feel you have had "setbacks," in the grand scheme of things, these "setbacks" are of no consequence whatsoever. In fact, I think everything you learn from your trial and error will serve you very, very well as you keep moving forward. You are overwhelmingly moving in a healthy and positive direction. Your plane ticket alone is incredible evidence of that.

You are not "stupid" or "weak" for any of these little things. It's all indicative of a good person following her reasonable, fighting heart in the face of harsh cruelty and chaos. Your efforts are signs of positive humanity in action. There isn't a BS following your story who doesn't see this and understand it completely. (Case in point: it took me at least a month or two to even come close to the level of understanding that you have, and I had many, many "setbacks" along the way, including intimate ones.)

Every day that goes by, I think you're getting better and better and better at managing this super raw deal you've been given. It's so early still. Keep up the great work, keep taking care of yourself, and please keep posting.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:26 AM, February 27th (Tuesday)]

Zoe, listen to me-

You are not turning a corner with him, I promise. What he's doing is being nice and leading you on to believe he wants to choose the marriage because he KNOWS YOU'RE LEAVING. Sorry for caps but I wanted to make sure you saw that. He gets to keep you on the line while he gets free reign to play boyfriend with his side piece coworker. What could be better for him?

If shit goes south with her, he can come crawling back and start to make an effort claiming that all along he was choosing you. And if everything goes wonderful with OW, well, you're in canada and now that he's had "space" to process all this he knows that you need to separate. He is in the perfect situation right now.

But there is nothing you can do about this. Staying will only make him angry (I'd venture to guess). Maybe you can test him and tell him you've decided to stay and work on the marriage since that is what he is saying he wants. Does he get cold? Angry even? Distant? Does he start changing his mind about his wants, hoping he'll drive you to go to canada? My guess is yes.

Or, does he act happy and excited that hes not going to lose you and you can carry on working towards progress?

Anyway, nothing you can do really though. But don't get your hopes up. Know that he is playing you 100%. If he cared about this marriage he would not be sending "love & hugs" to his girlfriend. That is some bullshit right there.

[This message edited by smilethrupain at 7:08 PM, February 27th (Tuesday)]

Zoe

Wishing you a safe journey home.

Please let us know when you’ve made it back to Canada

Sending thoughts of strength to you.

Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement, it really helped me keep focused and as positive as possible on my last day in Berlin. I'm sure you know, how living through this nightmare can make you feel very small, and what you said really helped me feel less so. Stevesn thanks for being so hopeful about my prospects, it helps :)

Okokok, your posts have meant a lot to me, and especially this one. Thank you so much for these kind words of encouragement, and for sharing your experience. I wish I could have pulled a super boss move but I didn't quite get there. Still, it felt like I did what I needed to do and said what I needed say (or not say) while being really true to myself. I feel no regret about my last day.

I went to the airport on my own, which I am glad of. I didn't leave the night before because honestly that would have been way more stress on me. I didn't not talk all night, but I was very quiet. I didn't make dinner or do any wifey things, and went to bed early.

When I left in the morning, he said “I love you” and “I'm sorry” and “this isn't the end, it's only the end of what was and the start of something better for us”. He was crying. Uh huh. I said, “we'll see”. I couldn't help but cry, but I held it together well.

He sent me some very lovey text messages while I waited to board the plane: “You are strong, special, wonderful, amazing. You are everything. I love you and think you are the best.” I did not respond and got a latte.

I am in Canada now, and I checked up on him. He's already sleeping over at her house.

Strength to you as you return home. Concentrate on your healing and building your own life. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. By his actions your WS is showing you who he really is. Given the separation of time and space, you are going to build your own happiness. Concentrate on you and what you need. Don’t pain shop. Be well.

I know your heart is hurting. I know it must have made you sick to see he was already spending the night at her house.

Your future is already brighter. You will not wake up beside of him tomorrow.

Please let us know how you fare in Canada. I can’t wait to see you put your stamp on life there.

Zoe, get a new phone number and go NC with him. It will help you heal quicker...

Zoe,

I don't think I've posted on your posts before, but just wanted to send some love. I've followed your story & it speaks to me. I hope you are doing as well as possible in CA & can continue to do the 180. It is "so easy" to see it from an outsider perspective, but you did & are doing the right thing. You deserve so much more & I hope you know this.