SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I finally feel ready to try and share my story. Forgive me I find it hard not to interject with hindsight, man I wish I had it then.

Prior to the A, I never considered an outside relationship. I was pretty independent in my marriage as was my BH but never really tempted by anyone else. Overall it had been a good marriage at least on the surface. We have never really fought much, agreed on the big picture things, had a good friendship, and a healthy sex life.

We had what I know now through a lot of counseling, individual and togethera a perpetual gridlock on our emotional connection. Earlier in the marriage I tried telling him I needed him to be more romantic, or that I needed him to tell me how he felt, or that we should discuss/work on our relationship more. I tried to be specific in my requests, I never expected him to read my mind.

Those conversations would be the one area that for some reason would escalate quickly into a fight where I would retreat and feel alone and he would often seem un-phased. He would say things like "why are you looking for something to be wrong?" I kept trying to explain that I am not looking for something to be wrong, I just couldn't help how I felt. After a long time and a history of this I eventually just chalked it up as something to accept and no longer pursued those conversations. That worked for years.

On occasion, when I did ask him why he loved me or when he volunteered it was always about what I did for him or the family. I say these things not to place blame, because I truly do not believe anything he ever did deserved my betrayal but to start kind of a framework of state of mind.

The 18 months prior to the A, our connection was at an all time low but it was almost as if I didn't realize it because on the surface very little had changed. We were tremendously busier than normal during this time, and it had gotten to days without I love you's, and some days the only conversation was me being asked "Why haven't you done this or why haven't you done that" and I was completely overwhelmed. And, basing the fact I felt loved for what I did for people I felt I was failing terribly and felt very alone and unloved. Again, I reiterate, these are not excuses but the circumstances in which my poor coping mechanisms kicked in.

A flirtation began with someone I often traveled with from work. In hindsight, I think this was possibly an exit affair for me but at the time I was in denial about that. Underneath, I wanted to run away, I didn't want to be loved for what I did for people. I also didn't want to keep up the breakneck pace I was at and I think the way I felt valued was to keep pushing myself. I was completely drained and unwilling to keep doing it.

Right before I left for my next business trip, I was trying to have a good quality time day when my husband started in on things that hadn't been done and how he had asked me several times. I was driving at the time and had to pull over because I started crying incoherently and could not stop. This was a breaking point that neither myself or my husband really tried to explore. I just said I have been overwhelmed and needed a good cry and we went on with our day. I am not trying to paint him any certain way, his concerns were valid, I am just being specific on what I was having trouble coping with. Knowing what I know now, I would have handled things a lot differently for certain. I own responsibility here. In IC I learned I had a hard time deciphering my coulds and should and everything was a should. I wanted to execute everything perfectly and so I could feel worthy.

So on the trip, flirtation once again happened, but nothing physical or really all that overt. The one thing that changed was the fueling factor that we started texting after the trip. Like constantly. It was easy for me to just slip into a world of no responsibilities and just laugh and flirt, and become increasingly sexual with the AP. I stopped doing much of anything outside of living in this happy fantasy bubble.

Unlike a lot of stories here, we didn't really complain or talk about our spouses much at all and when we did it was more matter of fact - things we were doing on the weekend or other generalities. In my mind at the time it was a fling because I was in denial - I needed it and deserved it was my justification. It was going to help me get out of my rut. The deadliest factor of all of it - I felt seen and heard. That is what sent it out of control for me.

I was excited the next opportunity I had to be with the AP, and we both knew we were going to cross over to physical as soon as we absolutely could. So over a long business trip, we ended up having sex, going out for dinners, holding hands, and a myriad of other things as if we were in a real relationship.

I came back home and acted as if everything was fine, but I continued to shuck my responsibilities a good deal. My husband wasn't home much so we were at this point really leading parallel lives. This went on for months.

Then AP had a D-Day. I knew if his BW was willing he would commit to trying to work it out. And that is what happened. I got into IC almost immediately and confessed a few weeks after that.

The first two or three months were terrible. Oh how I pined and grieved. Eventually, I started to be thankful he had maintained NC because I knew no matter what I owed it to myself and my BH to try to see if what we could do to salvage our relationship. And I wouldn't have done that on my own, I would have kept going.

I see a lot of people on here talk about not wanting to be a second choice. As screwed up as this may sound after all you just read, my husband was never my second choice. He is a much better man than my AP and a much better fit for me in so many other ways. I had given up hope, given up trying, was in denial about so many things it's not even funny. My poor decisions had escalated that feeling of hopelessness. But when I turned to see what I was about to lose, there is no way anyone else was or is ever going to be my first choice.

He has been unbelievably supportive despite his own pain. It feels we have come to a place where we understand each other on such a deeper level now. We have been working very hard together to be intentional, and I am doing anything I can to help him heal. All of this has and is taking a lot of patience and sometimes we take "a day off" to just go out and have fun together. Often, the day after ends up being very rocky. But, I am not going anywhere, unless he comes to a place that he feels this is a dealbreaker for him I will be there to do whatever I can. And, I now let a lot of coulds go and just focus on the shoulds. It's helped me to have time to develop healthy hobbies and outlets and have time to recharge. I don't know what else to say and this is long enough...

We had what I know now through a lot of counseling, individual and togethera a perpetual gridlock on our emotional connection. Earlier in the marriage I tried telling him I needed him to be more romantic, or that I needed him to tell me how he felt, or that we should discuss/work on our relationship more. I tried to be specific in my requests, I never expected him to read my mind.

Those conversations would be the one area that for some reason would escalate quickly into a fight where I would retreat and feel alone and he would often seem un-phased. He would say things like "why are you looking for something to be wrong?" I kept trying to explain that I am not looking for something to be wrong, I just couldn't help how I felt. After a long time and a history of this I eventually just chalked it up as something to accept and no longer pursued those conversations. That worked for years.

All I get from this is that YOU had self esteem issues and needed him to do all these things he didn't do to make you feel validated and loved, even though your marriage was good. You wanted him to feed a bucket you should have been filling on your own. Yes, it is nice to get some romance and have someone speak your love language. But, if they don't- that doesn't and shouldn't result destruction of yourself or others. You cheated because of your character. Not because your husband wasn't filling you up. He shouldn't have to fill up and adult.

basing the fact I felt loved for what I did for people

That is a reason. A unhealthy way you chose to feel loved. If someone doesn't meet that, it is your fault for setting that expectation and that way to value love.

when I did ask him why he loved me or when he volunteered it was always about what I did for him or the family.

You contradict yourself here though. Maybe you are trying to break free of that value on love. Which is good. It however may not be what he knows from you since he met you and your relationship so far. It is probably how you taught or him how to value and love you?

So, you had an exit affair on a good marriage because you couldn't find yourself? Was it or wasn't it a good marriage? You used the marriage as a scapegoat?

Thank you for sharing your story. I understand the points that you make and the need to feel SOMETHING in your marriage. I also understand living parallel lives. During my affair I often was amazed my husband did not pick up on any signals or clues, but we were so disconnected at that point, I can see why he never saw anything.

I hope you are finally having some inner peace about your affair and are able to work towards reconciliation. I think it is important to note that you state, if it is something your husband is willing to do an wants, or if it is a deal breaker. I feel the same way, as I am still unsure if this will be the ultimate path he chooses. Most days it still feels like we are in recovery not reconciliation.

Its a long road, thank you for sharing your journey so far.

Zugzwang,

Thank you for taking time to dissect. Yes, I own it - there were definitely self esteem issues. I might not have phrased it well, but some of it goes beyond that. I didn't need him to fill me up exactly, but I did want to get indications of not just being a good partner but wanting to be seen and heard. I just didn't have insights of what that meant at the time. He has a hard time with emotions and emotional connection, even with our children...but that could have been addressed and worked on. It goes beyond hearts and flowers, it goes more into emotional connection. But, it was up to me to find a way to build that and not diminish it by going outside of the marriage.

I agree wholeheartedly with your second point, I did teach him that by always throwing everything into acts of service to show my love and did it for decades. So I definitely admit the relationship was set up that way by my own doing.

I had an affair that I now look at as an exit affair because I couldn't find a way to be different, and I think part of me assumed that if I changed it would change his love? or that it would be different with someone else? In reality, it wouldn't have been because I brought on the lions share of the problem. I wanted to run away, so I would call that an exit affair? It is accurate to say I couldn't find myself, my voice. It was a good marriage - we value the same things, we always got a long well, outside of the A we have treated each other with respect, and we are good life partners. It's been a very stable and workable relationship in many ways.

Basically you just more eloquently put what I rambled about into a better succinct package.

When we got together I thought that's what love was - acts of service. But, that was taught in FOO, not my actual love language. So, it was very disjointed.

Through all of it I have learned, I can still do acts of service but they aren't required at the perfection that I was trying to perform them. When I stopped doing them I realized that the love was based on something entirely different than my assumptions.

I learned I don't handle stress as well as I thought and that I need to sometimes stop, evaluate, and form thoughts that can be communicated.

I definitely am not saying that my husband was bad, treated me poorly, he definitely didn't deserve what I did...I am saying that my state of mind was skewed, my view of love was skewed, and that the stressful time we were dealing with compounded that. If I had just taken a breath and admitted "This isn't working" and then followed up with "why isn't this working" I certainly would be in a different place than I am today.

PinkPggy- Thank you. It helps having people who had similar experiences and are in a similar place. You guys are still several months ahead in your timeline technically, but it sounds like you and I were probably at the stage of "getting it" around the same time. It's hard not to want to control the outcome. Right now, it's starting to feel like we can make it, but I know he has a right to change his mind and evolve into a different realization. Healing isn't linear so I am expecting another downturn in the roller coaster. We had a situation early in our relationship that has helped him to understand some of it better than I think the average BS. I 100% believe he knows this wasn't about him, which I think has helped tremendously.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:03 PM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

Your BH hasn't hit the anger stage yet. It's coming. Be ready.

I am sure he hasn't hit a lot of stages yet. I am ready. I brought this on, I know he is who I want, so I have my seat belt buckled. I still feel a little relief at the stage we are currently at, things have stabilized a lot over the last month so I will breathe while I can. Thanks.

If you don't mind me asking:

When did your affair start?

How long was it?

When was d-day for you?

Do you think you could have not told your BH, were you afraid of you AP spouse exposing your affair? My affair partner was terrified of being exposed by my BH. But his wife was one step ahead and had hired a PI so he was exposed by the PI 6 weeks later.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:23 PM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

Thank you for posting your story. A lot of us WH's obviously have a lot of resentment towards WW's on here. A lot of us are in a lot of pain, and since you are brave enough to come on here and self-identify, the sad truth is, you will be the brunt of a lot of our anger. Please don't take it personally, just understand that a lot of people here are in pain, as I'm sure you are too.

I find a lot of similarities in your back story. Obviously, it's hard for my WW to explain her side of the story, due to shame and not wanting to seem like she is blaming her A on me, or any external sources. I hope that writing this out was as therapeutic for you as it was for some of us to read. I haven't been here terribly long, but in my time, I have found empathy toward the wayward that I thought I would never feel. I don't hate my wife, nor do I hate anyone for a mistake that they made. There are times that this opinion is maybe less concrete, but I hope that all of us on here can heal, waywards and betrayed alike.

Of course, I have millions upon millions of questions, but not really sure if that's why you posted your story here. I do appreciate your candor in the situation though, and hope that you and your husband can come to a point of acceptance and grow from this. If and when you do, please let me know how. LOL

Hi TryingtoCope,

Yes, I definitely expect to hear from some that I may have triggered through my story. But, I didn't put a stop sign because I have learned through this site that you can learn something from everyone if you try and identify with what they are saying. People don't come and type on your post just for something to do - so I am okay if I get some anger back. I purposely waited until I felt strong enough to take it.

I am happy to answer your questions, as long as you can separate my answers from your wife's answers. I can't speak for all WW's everywhere, but I did open myself to sharing my experience...and it's limited thus far as we are still early in our journey.

I am so sorry that you are hear. I am a BH as well and I am thankful that you are sharing your story. I am not one to attack and I want to show support for all who come to this site, not just BSs but to WSs as well. We all are in pain and we all want to heal. And many on here want to save our marriages as well. If you don't mind, I do have a question for you. You said this was an exit affair. To me, that means that you were planning on using the affair to leave your husband. And I right when I say that? If I am right, what changed that made you decide to remain in the marriage?

Well I am glad you asked that because I might not be using the term right. I was using the affair to escape, and then being in the affair compounded my desire to escape because I was more hopeless about our marriage after it happened.

I prayed a lot and went to IC, and read a lot around the end of the A. And, what I basically decided after taking in the information and through reflection was that I was in no state to make any big decisions. So, I ended up deciding on no decisions for 6 months and then I could re-assess. I decided to try and be still and not react so to speak. Far before the six months had expired I found that I was working on things for better reasons than I had started and through a lot of work had made the discovery that the problem was me and I couldn't run from me.

I never went into the A thinking it was an Exit, I thought it was a fling. But, by the end of it, I thought I wanted to leave. So, I am not sure if I am labeling it correctly?

Hi Pinkpggy,

Affair was just a couple of months last spring into early summer. I still worry that my AP or someone related will be able to identify me and would rather keep the exact dates out of being handy if that's okay. I realize folks can go back to posts, and if you do you will see I was as sorry of a mess as anyone ever was first time coming.

I did not fear being told on, I could have kept it a secret. And, for a while I thought that I would. My IC even suggested that it would be better believe it or not. But, I listened to folks on here and I took the plunge based on the sage advice that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. I knew after a while that my bid for emotional connection would be pointless without the confession. To date, I have never heard from AP or AP's BW. I don't really ever expect to.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:32 PM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

Thanks for sharing your story. Our situations sound very similar. I’m only six weeks out from D-day. It feels like my h and I are going to be ok, but everyone says the worst is yet to come. Not sure if that’s true or if we just are making more progress than is normal. My h is really wonderful and we are working hard to make it work. We both really want it. Good luck to you.

Thank you Badgergirl.

6 weeks out is very early, that was a very turbulent time for us. My husband was wonderful but didn't immediately know if he wanted to agree to trying to make it work. We gave each other a lot of space during that time, and were discussing a physical separation. I think if you don't rugsweep, you can expect some ups and downs yet. I think every couple is different and some of the marriage pre-A can make some difference. I hope you are in IC and are deeply evaluating the cause, and how you will become a safe partner now and in the future. I think sometimes if it's too easy you might skip some steps that could prevent future issues.

The evolution and growth that I personally experienced during the first 3 months were staggering, and while I think my husband wants it as much as I do I can't say that it hasn't been turbulent and painful. In the last month or so it's stabilized a lot, but I think sometimes there is just a lull where you have to live life a little. I fully expect some more loopy-loops.

My opinion is you are brave to post your story without a stop sign. You are doing what you can in a terrible situation. My hope is no one starts to beat you up. I am sure you know what you did was wrong.

No one on here was angrier than I was. In reality I never left the anger stage. I just buried it for 5 years. That however doesn’t let me project my situation onto you. My wife was like you. She would have done anything to turn our relationship around. I just couldn’t do it. Your husband sounds like he wants this to work. That is a good thing.

My only suggestion is to figure out a way to let him blow of the steam underneath. Be it talking to a good friend about it, or finding a good therapist. Both things I didn’t do and definitely hurt our chances.

I hope the BS here will be respectful

Thank you waitedtoolong. I will definitely take what you said to heart because my husband doesn't have a lot of close friends and he doesn't have an easy time expressing himself. Sometimes I don't know if he even knows how he feels, and that's been even pre-A. This could be a definite danger zone that I was overlooking.

I am sorry about your situation. I could definitely see how that could happen. I sometimes worry my husband only wants to be okay.

As for getting beat up, it is what it is. I have learned as much from BS's as anyone else and by putting a stop sign up I would miss out on valuable insight. Sometimes that learning has even come from harsh words. You just have to take it as people on here are in pain and we all react differently to that.

Honestly sounds like the story of my M. Except I'm not the one who cheated.

Just different coping mechanisms, I guess. Maybe it would have been me if more time had passed. Who knows? I used to be a cheater, years ago and in my first M. But not since then. Maybe that's the major difference. I might have actually learned something.

Hiking- I understand. I deleted my signature with some info for the same reason.

I found my BH was calm at first, then really angry then just sad. We had some stable periods of time months 6-8 and starting in Dec he is back to just sort of a flat plane of despair. It is really hard to see and my d-day 1yr anniversary is approaching soon.

It took a lot of courage to come clean to him and admit it, I think I would have had to do the same, I think I would have lived in fear of being exposed and the guilt would have eaten me alive.

Tiredofcrying- yes, I definitely think there are a lot of people who had a similar experience and didn’t cheat. I know I have learned a lot. I should have known better but now I definitely do. I will never do it again I can say that with full confidence.

Pinkpggy- yes we are in month 7 right now, so that is similar. I know I have read a ton in here that things ebb and flow in the different stages. I am glad for this glimmer of hope period.