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Thanks Stevesn.

Kind words. I will seek help. I've been spiralling lately and throwing hurtful words at the WW for what she did. It can't be good for me, or her. I know i hurt her a lot when i say these things because she hates herself from back then. But she takes the insults.

I usually feel like crap in the mornings and then mellow out throughout the day. The pain comes back at night. How could she do this to us and me? is the primary thought. How could she not stop herself when she had so much time to do so? is the secondary thought.

I feel like i'm in 2010 again at times and you're right Stevesn, i shouldn't feel like that next year or 5 years from now.

Thanks for the kind words and no need to thank me.

Instead thank me and everyone here by calling your health insurance company today to get a list of authorized therapists that they’ll cover in your area. Then find one that lists infidelity as a specialty and call and make an appt.

Each day you wait is another day you will feel crappy about what she did and crappy about being mean to her. That’s no good for you and even no good for her (believe me, she’s heard you and she probably even thinks worse things about herself than you have said to her).

Take a short break from the pain and do this one thing productive toward gaining back your happiness today. There are many other hours in the day for feeling sad (believe me you deserve to) but just take 1 of them to take a step in the right direction.

Sorry to be so persistent but we feel for you.

Cheers.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:35 AM, February 27th (Tuesday)]

Stay separated and live as a single man for awhile. Have other relationships and decide whether or not you can have a relationship with your wife. Tell her that you will be living single and will decide whether or not the marriage is worth it. You need the distance to settle the thoughts in your head. I just love how they have affairs, and then are marvelous and improved afterward, and cannot understand when their spouse can't look at them. I have had a few in my office. The overwhelming attitude from the betrayed is that it feels recent, and a separation is the only way to get oneself back. She needs to know that you will be out for a while and then decide whether or not the marriage will survive. WWTL separated for a few months and it was therapeutic and cathartic. It helped in making his final decision to D. Metoohurt, you need to get away from the situation, you cannot have her pleading and begging. You need to company of others to clear your head. Do so, and then you can determine if you want her back.

If you do decide to stay away and try living single go ahead and legally separate. Don't string her along. You say that she has been a wonderful spouse for 8 years - it doesn't mean you have to stay in the marriage, but that change should warrant kindness in this break. Go NC, but be honest and transparent in your decisions. Basically be everything you wish she had been when she had the affair.

I highly discourage the advice above suggesting you should date. While I don’t think you should remain single forever, relationship hopping only distracts you from solving your problems. If you are interested in improving yourself while separated, try to learn to live alone and be ok with that.

Look I don’t have enough of your story to even suggest that you should try to R. But it’s as if you haven’t fully thought through if that is what you want to do. Slow down in the decision making and get help for yourself

I went through with it and booked with a therapist for a meeting next week. (Work gets in the way)

It's been nice to have some peace and quiet lately. I do miss the WW. She's been having a hard time. I know she's struggling with the thought of me leaving. Our relationship has always been one-sided (excluding the week A, she's always loved and cared for me more) but its dawning on me just how much hurt she went through before the A when I wouldn't touch her or have sex with her for months.

I can never condone what she did, but she lashed out with the A. She finally felt some power in the relationship because i was getting suspicious of her behavior after a couple of days. She loved the power she had and feeling desired. That all came crashing down when i discovered the A and kicked her out and she begged and pleaded with for months to forgive her. We had one of the most honest conversations after DDAy which led me to take her back.

I'm feeling more at peace. I am also not looking to date anyone, even if we split up. I'd like to keep the drama to a minimum while I recuperate.

I also don't want to throw away what we built in the last 8 years. She's been loyal, honest, and helped me through tough times. She doesn't deserve a bad life and what she did shouldn't define who she is. While I live with the pain she lives with the pain she's caused, wishing and wanting every day to take it back.

[This message edited by metoohurt at 10:45 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Leaving a long term marriage is tremendously difficult. It doesn't necessarily mean the end, it could be just that you need to focus on YOU for a time. Who can really tell what the future will hold?

It doesn't sound like she was exceptionally remorseful by her actions. It's a real mind fuck actually when you go through this.

Take this time to work on you. Stay out of relationships until your life rocks so hard that if you do date, and it ends, your life still rocks. The last thing you need is a new partner.

Metoo

Great job on booking IC. It’s a good start to your healing.

In your last post you show a lot of caring about her. It makes sense. How do you just turn that off even if you know you can’t be with her right now or possibly ever.

But why not provide her with the info to get her a therapist as well. If she’s too much a mess to make it happen, perhaps you can ask her parents or sibling to help get her there.

I don’t know the insurance situation but give them the information on how to make it happen.

You can tell her you don’t know what the future holds (it’s true, you don’t) but tell her it starts with each of you working through this pain and suffering on both sides with a professional.

Make sure they get someone who specializes in infidelity.

Keep up the good work.

I just found out about the second time they had Sex on Sunday after pushing and prodding for 2 weeks for the truth.

You better stop pushing and prodding before you start finding out more of the real truth.

It doesn't sound as though you have any children and, if that's right, I have no idea why you have stayed as long as you have. The words you use like "emasculated, self-respect, self-esteem" and the fact that you have kept this secret from your friends out of shame are telling. It all leads me to believe that your emotions have finally escaped the compartment in your mind you locked them into and are demanding to be expressed. I urge you to not stay stuck in your marriage due to fear and do whatever you think will help you heal. Good luck.

ISurvived7734, just to give context.

In all honesty, I don't think i ever asked about other sexual encounters before last week. When i found out about the affair, she immediately said they had sex (she had slept over at his place and told me she was at a friends place).

I kicked her out after. She wanted me back. Stop contact etc.

All good stuff. We worked on our relationship, but we definitely rug swept stuff.

It all came bubbling up a couple of weeks ago, when i asked her again. She filled me on details of how it started, etc. but did not come clean about saying they slept together a second time (I was thinking it was way more back then, more than twice and willing to accept)

The affair was a week, and she was with me for 3 days, and all nights but one. So there isn't more to uncover at this point.

But I dug up all this crap now and its been spinning around in my head. I told my best friend about it right after it happened in 2010, who helped me through it. But the memories are just extremely fresh now.

Either way, I am alone now. Working on my thoughts. We spent 8 years together afterwards and we've had a ton of fun. Walking away like that is always easier said than done.

Add to the fact that she is remorseful, humiliated, disgusted with herself, which sometimes makes it hard to have a relationship, because she can't forgive herself properly. She needs counselling as well.

[This message edited by metoohurt at 4:09 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

I am glad you are going to see an IC, I hope she finds help too. Take care of yourself.

Metoohurt I'm sorry this happened to you, and I totally get it. Adultery is a dealbreaker for some people. That's just the way it is.

I'm trying to R right now, but I fear I will only end up in your spot in five or so years also.

Metoo

How are you doing?

Doing better. Thanks for asking. it's been a tumultuos few days.

Opening up old wounds really has hurt a lot. I feel like stuff that happened 8 years ago happened last week. I just can’t believe how much it’s affected us. I have no desire for anything. It honestly feels like it’s 2010 all over again. Amazing what the mind can do.

But I am doing better. Betrayal hurts no matter when it happened. I am meeting a therapist next wednesday for a session. My WW has also signed up for individual therapy. Whatever happens, we'll both need it.

[This message edited by metoohurt at 5:39 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

I sent you a PM.

I guess I feel like I need to improve my self-respect. I keep wonder what my friends would say if they knew etc. so I know i do suffer from some low self-esteem.

metoo, I went through a very similar thing, having dug up the long-ago past where it felt like it happened minutes ago. Tough stuff. But I wanted to talk about what I quoted from your first post.

What it boils down to, is you are tying who you are, literally your Self, to your wife. You are stating that someone you can't completely control defines who you are, and in order to improve who you are, you need to replace that someone. Then your self-esteem will be good. Your Self will be good.

When you write it out like that, just lay it out there, does it make sense?

I am glad you will see an IC. Come R or D down the road, I would suggest that this should be the point of attack in your conversations with the IC. Why are you letting the outside world define you? How can you learn to take control of your Self, and let you define who you are?

Sounds like it was always a deal breaker but you rug swept initially.

It also sounds like neither of you got into any therapy to help you heal.

I wish you well I’m the future.

Would she write a complete timeline now for you?

(with all the details that you want)

and take a poly over the timeline and any other cheating?

would she sign a separation agreement?

If you are done, you are done. hope you get some closure and peace.

House of Plane: Thanks for laying it out like that. You're very right. It doesn't make sense. She will never define me and who I am. I do need to do my own introspection here and figure out why i am feeling the way I am.

Harrybrown: She did that, but she had recounted the timeline by omitting something, so how can I believe her now. She realizes that she should have been upfront from the beginning because she now knows that I can't trust her about the affair. She tried minimizing because it was 8 years ago. She thinks her behavior and the love she's shown should have been enough....until she started doing some introspection and reading books.

I told her that the AP doesn't deserve to know more about what happened than I do. It hit her like a ton of bricks when I explained to her.

What sucks even more is that she is consumed by her guilt and self-hate. She is so afraid that i'll leave in the future. She sits in bed the minute she comes home, reads and doesn't do anything else but fret and think about what she did. Occasionally sobbing.

She told me she doesn't want the past to define our relationship. Too late hun.