SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why does she still expect you to believe the lies? Just say you don't believe them and that's ok. You're not trying to hurt her. But she needs to know that you're not going to be fooled any more or go along with whatever story she makes up. Those times are over now. She can just say her honest feelings about life. If she really wants to change, she can start there.

I let stuff build up too but it doesn't come out as anger, I just feel hurt and withdraw. I'm working on it. Somebody I know can always make a joke and it gets rid of the tension in those situations. Everybody feels good after and nothing builds up. Ya, people are complicated and I wish I was better at understanding. If you can come through this, you'll have a strong understanding of who you are and know what's important to you. We all want you to be happy.

I was giving my happiness up but now that I know what I need, I am insisting on it. I realize that I was pretending my happiness would come back somehow. I would think back to old times to comfort me. Now I see that a new happiness will be my future. Maybe it's us part 2, maybe it's not. Whatever it is, it has to be genuine.

You deserve that genuine happiness. Nothing in the world can replace it. I don't see that she has it either and she's desperately grasping for whatever she feels will be a good substitute. But there is no substitute for real happiness. She's got to be happy with herself. The sneaking and pretending and telling stories to you are driving her further from true happiness. I don't know how people get confused about it. They think they chase happiness but soon enough they come to understand they never found it. The excitement was something else.

Regarding StevenM's letter I would omit the portion on intimacy (FWIW) for both legal reasons and because I don't agree with the sentiment that is conveyed.

I R'd with my wife - and she had an affair that was half fantasy in a way that resembles your wife's.

Above all else there has to be the following:

1. A baseline of honesty - you have to be told the truth and you have to be able to be certain it IS the truth. In your case that might mean a polygraph.

Red Flag - if she texts him she knows his phone number. If she knows his phone number she knows who he is. I do not believe she does not know his identity and the fact she will not tell you what his identity is suggests she is protecting him.

2. And understanding of her logic that led to the affair. In my wife's case, it turned out she suffered from Bi-polar disorder. I never suspected this - and that is ironic because I represented patients in their commitment hearings at a state institution for years (and as a result was familiar with the diagnosis of most major mental illnesses). Once she was diagnosed I could actually go back in time and identify periods of mania - in fact, we fell in love during one episode.

As is true with everything I write - FWIW.

Um. Seriously? She travelled 6000 miles to be with a guy who can't get it up? So she bought a dildo?

Surely you cannot credit this.

You won't get anywhere as long as she sticks with that ridiculous story.

Have a look at the "Investigative Tips" section in the Forums. If you have his number then it is relatively easy to get his name and photos. I just wish you were not living this nightmare. Good luck to you.

It started because she felt hopeless in life and that she was nothing. She has achieved nothing and feels inferior to me in intelligence and social stature. Kids don’t make her feel accomplished and she acknowledged it was stupid but she couldn’t help he way she felt. She met OM in a depression chat room and traveled to meet him. He is a married man, she doesn’t know his real name but calls him “Bill”.

Well, she's right about one thing... she's not your equal in the matter of intellect (or morality for that matter). So, how do you feel about that? Let's take her at her word for a moment and throw out the bid for sympathy. The woman is not your intellectual equal which means that as long as you are tied to her, you'll never have a partner who is as intelligent, accomplished, and decent as you are. Doesn't sound very fair to you, does it?

Let's take her at her word again... She ran off to New Zealand on multiple occasions to have unsatisfying sexual intercourse with a guy whose name she doesn't even know. She was certainly wily and coherent enough to come up with a cover story and to make hundreds if not thousands of decisions to keep you from finding out. But let's set that aside for a moment and just listen to what she's saying. She's telling you that she's the type of person who will abandon hearth and home and fly thousands of miles away to have sex with a stranger. This is how SHE deals with depression? This is the wife she is?.. the mother she is?

You know, truly understanding depression is kind of like truly understanding betrayal. We can't fully empathize until we've experienced it. I thought I did, but when it happened to me, I realized how woefully ignorant I had been. I didn't really get it. Now, I do.

All over this board, we have members posting who are dealing with depression which has become clinical, myself included. Infidelity takes its toll on both mind and body. But we cry it out, journal, exercise, take our meds, process our trauma in therapy, post on SI, etc. We don't bounce off to New Zealand for sex with people who are so anonymous we don't even have their real name. And bear in mind, that nearly all of us have experienced at least some suicidal ideation as we've processed the intensity of our pain.

Your WW's excuses are designed to manipulate your pity. So, go ahead... pity her. But bear in mind that just because you pity someone, it doesn't mean you have to tether yourself to them for life. As a doctor, you've met quite a number of people who deserved your sympathy. You do what you can for them and then you move on, right?

My advice? Keep the letters to yourself. Instead, give her a list of resources where she can get help and then step back. She's told you in pretty plain language that she's not a fit partner for you. Take her at her word and start making plans for a better life for you and your children. If she can manage to catch up, you can always reevaluate. If not, you've got a pretty good head-start on a cheater-free life.

Anon, be very careful. Your wife sounds like a narcissist. They can be irrestible at the beginning, especially if you have self esteem issues of your own. The pattern of idealizing then devaluing is what you want to look for. She.ll deny and lie and if that doesnt, break down crying telling you that she cant live without you, you're amazing blah blah. And while you probably are amazing, dont buy her words. Its a ploy...She might not even be conscious of what she is doing but as soon as you givr in sje the devaluation begins again

Anon,

You seem hellbent on R after all she did. God bless you, or not ?

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

I am exiting this thread because I can't morally agree to your 'R'. Maybe some of the others can.I wasn't even the one cheated on here and I can't see what you are reconciling over. None-the-less, not my decision. I hope you won't be back here in 6 months but you probably will be based on her reactions and history.

Good luck, Godspeed and I hope it works out for you. I truly do. The above wasn't a criticism, just an observation

^^^^^^^^^^ this.

Good luck.

Wow what a crazy, running commentary story.

It almost sounds like the plot line of a book or movie.

I sure you do wish you well with the inevitable daily twist and turns to come.

However, as an obviously well educated medical doctor, how is it that advice given, which you obviously specifically came here to seek, is never actually taken?

You sent your wife away on a known trip with another man, yet now you have no money. One would think, when you had already hacked her phone prior to the trip and knew she was cheating, or perhaps just that you didn’t have the money, that you woulda nixed the trip.

And, since you knew weeks ago she was cheating, why are you playing games instead of confronting and either asking for terms of reconciliation or divorce?

Anon - how are things going?

Did you have any progress after providing her with Steven's letter?

How are the kids doing with all of this? Is your IC helping with ways to provide a place of safety for them? You had told them before your wife got home that you and their Mom would probably be living apart. That must still be quite a shock for them. Have you both sat down with them to explain what's going on now and reassure them?

Hopefully you've been able to get a handle on your finances as well. You said the two of you only had about $25 to your name. It must be hard to manage therapists, lawyers, child care, and all those regular bills at the same time. (Not to mention all the travel that's been going on).

Wishing you luck with all the craziness.

Will update tomorrow

Are you tired of the deceit yet?

So I think I will start to conclude this. WW is back to being an embittered, narcissistic SAHM and I am back at work full-time. I sent WW several articles about recovery along with stevesn list and asked her to discuss with her therapist (she had IC 2 days ago). I have some books on the subject we will read. She has agreed to do most of these things, and get a job. Talk is cheap, however.

She told me that her A was built out of resentment for me. I was apathetic to her depression. I was happy in life and she felt hopeless and felt that I didn’t care. WW even brought up the time my step-father told her “you’re an orphan now” at WW mother’s funeral (he’s a huge ass). WW knows I can’t stand my step-father but was so hurt all I said was to ignore him because he’s horrible. I’m sorry I didn’t assault my step-father at your mom’s funeral? These weird blame-shifty things make me realize the situation is likely too complicated and messed-up to fix.

So WW is in full-on rug vacuuming mode. I think the A is over for the moment, but wouldn’t be surprised if it resurfaces (at least I’ll know if she disappears for a few days where she is). I’m going to speak to my lawyer today. I know this will end badly. I am indeed a bad patient, I didn’t treat my high blood pressure for 20 years because I couldn’t deal with it. However, I am so tired of the deceit that any more and I will D, and I have let WW know this.

The end of this movie that is my life, she washed and placed on top of my dresser drawer, a t-shirt that reads “New Zealand” in big letters. I shit you not.

[This message edited by anon789 at 7:12 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

move on to greener pastures, Anon

Anon, that t-shirt is not just cluelessness. I think that’s a big FU-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it statement. I think she’s essentially daring you to divorce her. She still thinks she has the upper hand in this mess. Good luck.

Full and complete STD test for her, anon. Find OBS and let her know for her own safety. Your WW knows who he is. You can find his BW.

BTDT, got the T-shirt. See that should make anon happy because I got him a t-shirt. All should be good now. The t-shirt is actually more daggers intended to stab you deep in the heart, IMO. It is totally and intentionally cruel. Actions speak louder than words. You got handed a novel.

The end of this movie that is my life, she washed and placed on top of my dresser drawer, a t-shirt that reads “New Zealand” in big letters. I shit you not.

Holy shit.

Just keep taking steps toward divorce and maintain your basic 180 behaviors. Stay focused and calm, don't engage in any unnecessary conversation. This is the advice that works.

Work with your lawyer and take the steps. Divorce takes a while and you can stop it at any time if there's a reason to do so.

Most WS will do this crap. Don't stand for it. She needs to own her affair 100%. Hopefully, in time, she will do that. But you should continue to move in the direction of divorce. Sometimes it takes being served to wake the spouse up.

As for her believing you were apathetic to her depression. You can simply point a few of the times this was clearly not the case. Then tell her how much you supported her during her depression. She allowed her depression and her mind to create a false image of you. Tell her if she was feeling that way the most simple thing she could have done was say, "Hey! Anon, I am feeling this way and I more support from you!" But she did not. She remained silent and decided to have an affair. Sorry you don't get to blame me for that! Like most WSs blame shifting is what they do. She will either stick with it or wake up. But she needs to know that the destruction of the marriage falls on her and her affair.

The end of this movie that is my life, she washed and placed on top of my dresser drawer, a t-shirt that reads “New Zealand” in big letters. I shit you not.

Anon, this isn't the end. Only the middle of the road.

If you feel suicidal, please reach out for help.

You're going through hell right now, but at the speed you're moving, you can make it.

Don't give up.

You teach people how they can treat you.

What do you think your wife learned from this?