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Anon, take that NZ t-shirt and cut it into a thousand ugly pieces. Put it in her drawer.

Get mad, stay mad until she has moved out. For good. Set out her suitcases.

She has no remorse. She is taunting you, goading you into her sick views of accepting her fucked up views and her blame game.

Stand tall, be proud, and server her D papers.

Your life on the other side will be glorious. True, real, authentic, happy and free.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and power to rid yourself of this horrific parasite formerly known as your wife.

Wow Anon - as Ginny said - I think I too would be fed up with the deceit by now. Sounds like there's still so much unresolved stuff as you "start to conclude this."

I'm sure all of us here wish you much luck in your future endeavors.

Anon,

I have spent a lot of time talking to you. You seem like a very nice fellow and one that I hope escapes from this madness.

I want you to do me one favor. Please wear that shirt today. Wear it until the papers are delivered from your lawyer. You need anger to fuel you at this stage. Anytime you find yourself wavering take a look in the mirror and let your emotion fly

I do like cutting the shirt up and putting in her drawer. I like that a lot.

That shirt is........don't know what it is. I'd like to think she isn't trying to injure you more on purpose but it was super thoughtless. You are willing to forgive so much. I see myself in you. Wanting to be the best person while the one we love seems clueless about what they are doing.

Any way, just give that shirt to the charity donation where it will do someone some good.

I agree, the reasons she gave for running off are weak but maybe in her mind she feels justified.

But what about you? She has to care more for you right now. Stop trying to make it about herself. It will be really hard. She's going to have to deflate that ego she's been feeding and be humble.

It takes a lot of clueless ego to bring you that shirt. Either that or she's trying to intentionally wound you further and in that case you have to admit she isn't going to try.

I don't think waiting for her to change will be productive. You start protecting yourself. Tell her what you need her to do. Then you'll know.

It's hard to put yourself first when you're used to giving and trying for others. I think the help myself muscle gets lazy but can be exercised. The guys are saying if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Strong is sexy as they say. I feel like many of us BS are learning to speak up, stand up, admit we want change as we deal with our pain.

Keep focused on what a healthy life looks like and you will be ok.

Was me would take the shirt down & get them to print on the back of it "my wife had sex with another man in New Zealand and all she brought me was this stupid tee shirt" then wear it around the house when she's at home.

Seriously dude fuck her.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:11 AM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Has she admitted that she went to Sydney with the OM?

uggggh

the rugsweeping, blameshifting, the stupid shirt, and you needing to force feed her infidelity books are all very clear signs she doesn't get it...and isn't likely to anytime soon. I think you see that very clearly (which is good). I imagine this half-assed "effort" of hers would be utterly non-existent if she wasn't 100% dependent on you financially and OM wasn't located across the planet. Something to think about.

I agree with used2bhappy and notanotherchance.

The A isn't over, it's on hold and she will continue to use you.

The A is all on her. By staying with her, the future pain is your choice.

I do wish you the best, Anon

Notanotherchance's suggestion was brilliant.

Truly, it is an example of her complete lack of understanding or care of how she affected you. To think that you would want a shirt from the location of her AP's home is beyond ridiculous. Just that shows she is not in any way a good candidate for R. She's either too stupid to understand or she knows and is rubbing it in your face. Either way, kick her ass to the curb.

I would leave that shirt there forever. Just not

putting in your shirt draw will tell your WW what

that shirt means to you. Wife puts it in a draw I

would just put it back on top.

I agree with being angry and letting that anger help you get stuff done. Use it as a fuel. It will last just so long so harness it.

Do not take the reasons to heart. Many people tried to prep you on the gaslighting and not to take it sitting down, I hope you pushed back but it's hard where you are mentally and being a good guy to do that. I had the same issue wish I had found SI sooner.

Mine told me I put the kids on the same pedestal as her and she needed to be on higher (disagree completly), that I never compromised (looked back I almost always just gave in) and then claimed I was emotionally abusive (couldn't have been farther from the truth). It's all ridiculous bullshit...this affair is all her not you. Don't get hung up analyzing her reasons, they exist in her mind only not in reality. If it wasn't those things she would have found something else no matter how petty or just fabricated some.

Take your 50 percent share for the marriage amd none for the affair. This is not you. It took me a while of saying it to really believe it, but it is so true. You will be OK. You deserve better and you will get better. Stick to your morales and values and hold your head up high.

She told me that her A was built out of resentment for me. I was apathetic to her depression. I was happy in life and she felt hopeless and felt that I didn’t care.

The affair, the lies, the taking of money, the putting you in debt, not coming back early from Affair trip when she knew you knew about the affair, wearing the necklace on facetime, saying mean things about the kids on facebook, lies to the mutual friend in NZ, and now the NZ T-shirt. It seems like she wants to make you as unhappy as she is. She seems determine to hurt you.

I'm guessing you arn't getting a timeline, polygraph, or real remorse.

From what I've read you are a very good person. I don't know if the Doctor in you feels he has to "save" everyone or some white knight syndrome...but she is unhealthy for you and for your children. Allowing her to rug sweep isn't healthy for you or the kids either. I promise you that you can do better, find someone that is happy for your success that you work as a team with.

Hello Anon,

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I understand the desire to stay married. I stayed in limbo for a couple of years waiting for WH to SHOW remorse, not just tell me he's sorry.

The straw that eventually broke the camels back (and there were many many straws) was a t-shirt he ordered with a logo from a website where he saw a photo of one of his affair partners. He knew how I felt about him even going to that webpage and the therapist told him there were hundreds of other pages similar to that one that he could visit without triggering me but he obviously didn't care how it affected me. His defense was "feel this....they don't sell cotton t-shirts this soft in stores."

Believe them when they SHOW you who they are. That t-shirt she put on YOUR dresser was a big F U. I'm sure you already know that though. My thoughts are with you as you navigate through this mess. Only you know what is the best path for you and your children.

[This message edited by HopeFloats2272 at 2:21 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Geez...I can't believe she did that.

I was going to say, "passive aggressive", but there isn't anything passive about that.

I'm very sorry. You gave her a chance. The rest is up to her.

Shaking my head.

and you are giving her another chance ????

She's being abusive.

Take care of yourself, Anon.

Telling her I am going to D you was a mistake There is no reason to tell her anything about your plans from now on. With her kind of personality she needs to constantly irritate you to feel good. Looking for validation/comfort from a stranger will lead to disaster

Wow, Anon, the t-shirt was literally the icing on the cake.

Also, I know you’ve stated you’re the sweetest guy in the world. Yet you’ve screamed at patients. I wonder how you can get so angry at them, but not your cheating wife who stole your kids savings and left you all with $25.00 to your name?

Im wondering why do you think she sees you as a mere paycheck. When you’ve stated you have to borrow $500 from your mother?

And, your lawyer sounds more psychotherapist than lawyer. I mean every time you call him, and you’ve stated you’ve called him a lot, he’s told you to go for counseling. Just really weird.

Well again, I wish you luck in the next phase of your story.

"my wife had sex with another man in New Zealand and all she brought me was this stupid tee shirt"

THIS!! Do this!!

You said "anymore deceit and I'll D her"...

WHAT?? You are giving her more chances? Why?

She put that T shirt up there to hurt and wound you. There is NO other possible reason. Please stop trying to save her. Let her go. You have SO MUCH life to live and you can and will find someone that will treat you with respect and love.

I wouldn't bother with any more lists, letters, talking or IC. No more asking her to read books...nothing. She is NOT REMORSEFUL. There is literally no chance of R with a WS like this! NONE! Just walk away from her. Don't try to save her or the marriage. She is a person that has no empathy for her husband or her children. Really, she sounds evil. I'm sorry to say something so harsh, but unless you are lying (and i don't think you are) let's just call a spade a spade here.