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has at least embraced the idea of coming clean with me

So she's told you that you don't know everything? Or am I not understanding that correctly?

Maybe it was my wording - she's admitted it to me. Now what's "all" is always the remaining unknown - so I continue to ask questions and she's been providing what I ask for - phone, texts, whatever from back then.

When I say embrace - it's more above her sharing that same info with others- like the MC, which was the next hurdle for her. It's taking her time to fully unwind all of the lies and hurt she's doled out because (I believe) she's still in some denial and has not yet begun her own IC.

Does that make more sense?

Now, do I think I MAY find out something new? Of course. There's NEVER a full admission up front. But it was enough to get us started. Granted - it gives her latitude to start the whole cycle of deceit and all over again. But with a real reckoning over legal fallout, the NC with the AP, her admission, expressing remorse (not fully realized) but at least expressing, and committing to fixing "us". I think that's what I meant by embrace.

Hi again MrA

Sounds like you did well with filing and confronting and it has had some of the desired effect. I have to say you have a good attitude toward it. A realistic one.

For me, If she is working on taking steps to reconcile, I would not expose to many myself (as the BS), except to those who are my own support system, especially if they are not close to the WW, eg close personal friend to you.

But a dealbreaker to me would be if she did not right the wrong with those who she badmouthed you to. I couldn’t be with someone who tried to make me look crazy, angry or evil to friends and family. Without correcting those misconceptions and exposing herself as a liar to those she defamed you to, I could not reconcile.

Maybe that’s just me. But if found in your shoes, I’d make that a requirement, and even sit down together with her and make a list of your friends and family and discuss what she told each of them and talk about the message she’d like to give them now to correct the awful things she said.

Just my thoughts....

It's easier to address her actions and way harder to address her feelings mutually. We can work through the actions as facts, she has to work through the emotions... and my sense is at this point that blackmailing her or seeking revenge would be counterproductive.

When I said:

If she's in, then you need a set of requirements, demands, and deadlines met before you willing to try.

I hope you don't see that as blackmail or revenge.

It's boundaries and expectations for you to even consider trying to reconcile. R is hard. Harder than D, I would think.

MC has been helpful as we are BOTH in a tough place - and there is some value to hearing where we are BOTH failing to help each other get to trusting again.

What? Where is it that you are giving her reason not to trust you? By finding out she's cheating? I would caution you about falling into accepting any blame for this. It only minimizes the damage that SHE has caused, and enables further blameshifting. Take the hard line that this is on her. She has to accept that, up front.

Don't revert to the quintessential "nice guy" again. That's part of what enabled her to think she could get away with this in this first place.

I think what Stevensn said above is very good place to start.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:00 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

Perfect!!!

Thank you and the timing is so so so right. I’ve been vasicillating on how to exactly do this - to keep her 100% accountable if she didn’t repair - and this is excellent!

“sit down together with her and make a list of your friends and family and discuss what she told each of them and talk about the message she’d like to give them now to correct the awful things she said.“

Here’s the thing. You go in and say I can not be in reconciliation with some one who is not all in. That is why I disagree with MC immediately.

Your wife is not remorseful if she is still trying to protect herself. If she can not look herself in the mirror and figure why and how she could do this to you.

I needed to know why it was okay for my fwh to have a secret life. I needed to know why my husband felt it was okay to be all google eyed over an attention whore but angry I talked to other people at a party, as he was to up her ass, until she the guy she really wanted attention from got there.

I really wanted to understand how he could admire this woman who would promise our child a play date with her cousin but not answer my calls or texts. But could seek attention from him.

He needed to know his whys to make good boundaries.

I had a list I wrote of specifics he had to do for reconciliation.

IC was top of the list. Transparency, a post nup, no social media. It is interesting. He has just recently rejoined Facebook because I suggested it. We do have an account together. I suggested one for himself. I was tired of reading some political stuff. It was just enough for me.

I do hope I am making the right moves at the right times - it’s hard to tell but I will continue to report in.

For me - I am trying to create the conditions upon which an outcome will endure favorably for us both.

Again - I am not responsible for her actions that ultimately created this disaster, but I also know that I cannot control how she feels. And right now - she is still in a cycle of remorse, regret, but I know she has her moments of wanting to go back to that “drug”.

And every one has to walk their path and trust it helps others to tell the story - but right now mine is about not driving her back to the drug and starting this whole process over again. I can’t take two. Maybe I am setting myself up for that - I don’t think so - but I also don’t know so. This is why so many opinions expressed here are so valuable to me to consider.