SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondered how other people have dealt with the fact that the A (or at least the 'acts' carried out during the A) happened in their marital home, and the fact that the AP lives nearby still?

I'm currently convinced that for me and my WW to R in the long-term, we need to move away from the area (especially the house itself, at the very least). But it feels like such a HUGE step to do this (not the actual house...I'd happily burn that to the ground tomorrow if I could.....don't worry, I'm not actually going to do that though!!)

How have others dealt with remaining in the property, or the area where things happened, especially if it is causing so many triggers for you??

Multiple threads is making it hard to keep up with your situation. What has happened since your Dr. Fone fight with your wife? It seems she really exploded which is probably because you were about to catch her at something. Is OM still out of his house on his own? If so there is no way he's not going to be trying to contact your wife. He has nothing to lose at this point.

OW was COW...they worked together in a very small office of 8 people...H has worked there now 33 yrs...

I went into that office once...I had to leave...I triggered badly...

I have not returned in 10 yrs....couldn't do it...refused to do it...I don't have to live with that...

COw rode in our SUV...I didn't find out until almost a year after...I had sat in it so many times......not knowing....what to do about that? It does add to the pain...It seems like a another inconsiderate insult...a F U...There has to be boundaries...there are limits..Do what you require to heal...

NC is always the rule...I think being in the vicinity is also bad...nothing worse then thinking you might run into AP...always looking....that is not peace.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:16 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

bdc1,

I know you probably won't like this answer, but it's really what you are comfortable living with.

I'll probably get flack on this as well, but it's what I am comfortable with for me and my situation.

You have been heard and I get it, too many of us are in the same boat.

Within 3 weeks of disclosure that the AP was in my home, I dragged WW out to look at a new house. However, something inside me snapped. Why should they win and have the power?

I didn't do anything. So we have remained in our house (I no longer can call it a home as she took the safety and security of it away for me when she allowed him in). His ghost will always walk these halls, but that's no different than his ghost I see when I touch her (knowing she allowed him to touch her). Thus I took my house and neighborhood back.

Call it revenge, retribution or power, what ever anyone prefers. But we worked to hard to build our dream home and 2 years early to let broken people take it from me. it's the only home two of my children have ever known. While they may not know the full impact during their play time, they knew if it came out it would be hurtful and still did it anyway. Thus, they no longer have power over me in the house or neighborhood. The bedroom has been totally redone, I walk the neighborhood with my head held high and I know it bothers them both immensely. WW can't even look at his house as we pass. He scurries far away when he seems me coming (and I am NOT intimidating in the least). Are there some days its hard? Yes, when I grab a door handle, I flash to "he touched it too" but I shake it off. Their poor choices, will not hurt my children any longer and we will remain here until the youngest graduates in 8 years. I had no choice in having a threesome in my marriage, but I have a choice that their immaturity and brokenness will not rule my life. The effects are far reaching. They didn't trick or treat this year due to the affair (first time in 12 years, I've not seen them on their porch). His school routine is for ever changed because he's a coward. I stand in the same spot I have for seven years on Fridays to pick my kids up. He did it maybe twice and now no longer parks and walks. He does car pick up or stands across the lot. Finally, I get joy standing in my front yard as he mows and just watch the "neighborhood". Ive never seen someone mow their lawn so quickly.

Long story short, you have a choice on what you can live with and what power you can take back. I understand her whys, blah, blah, blah, but I will not let them have power over me or be their victim any longer.

God bless!

My STBXH's AP#1 lives very near the marital home. Although she was never in my home, I have to drive by hers every.single.day. twice.a.day. On my way to the office and on the way home. I was awarded the home in our settlement and will not move from it at this time. DD for me was a year ago and I still feel the anxiety of driving by her home - although the level has lessened over time. If the trigger could be avoided, most certainly I would. To go a different direction adds a minimum of 45 minutes each way to my commute - She is not worth that time in my head or my life. This is how I deal with it - SHE IS NOT WORTH THE TIME IN MY HEAD OR MY LIFE.

Her home is currently on the market and she'll be moving when it sells. I joked the other day that I might just buy it as a rental property to speed up the process of eliminating her presence but I couldn't actually do it. To do so would be "helping" her and I WILL NOT.

Although I know her physical presence will be gone (and good riddance), the fact she was there will stay with me for some time I think.

Funny story - I actually saw AP#1 with her then husband at the grocery store one time. This is before I knew she was AP#1. I remember this couple being so out of place - completely tatted up and semi obvious what she did for a living. They had a young child with them maybe three or so. Just looking like they didn't belong in the neighborhood and that memory stayed with me. When I found out about her and started hunting for evidence, I found photos of her and then husband and child - Yep, the same couple I saw in the store that day.

I go to a different grocery store now - one in the opposite direction.

bdc1, You may want to read waitedwaytoolong's post and background. He also was in a house he built and just remodeled and tried to overcome the invasion of his house. He is now divorcing after 5 years and admits that he should have moved and that might have helped him recover if he had done it sooner.

Brennan87...I just wanted to state that you will get no flack from me...this is EXACTLY what I would have done . I learned a long time ago that what worked for ME...was OWNING...or taking back...EVERYTHING that was taken from me. I REFUSE to let triggers stop me from living MY life!!!

BTW...I LOVED the part about the mowing and trick or treating...GOOD FOR YOU !!!

I still use the same sheets! I did toss WH's cellphone into the river on DD. She called my dog hers, and I have shouted at the dog "why didn't you bite her instead of the mailman". Moving away is something WH and I discuss, seems healthy, but not feasible. It would save recovery time, but work, finances and inconvenience should be considered.

Want2behappy...

You do YOU! I completely agree, the triggers suck as does most of this, but I look at it the same as any other trauma (the different its the one person who should have our back no matter what). It's up to us to determine what we allow. I know it bothers my WW, but 90% of my remaining triggers, I chuckle at now. Because of the absurdity. I don't ever vocalize it but the chuckle is driven from "How stupid were you?". :)

If it were me, I would sell and move. I wouldn't be able to live in the same house.

same as deephurt, I would sell it and move.

CincyKid

Apologies if I'm not doing things right here, I'm not great at using forums, so am still learning. I'll update my other thread now.

[This message edited by bdc1 at 3:21 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

No apology necessary. I'm just trying to piece together your most recent status. Can you summarize where you are right now?

House is being sold. She brought AP there way too many times. Sex in guest BR on occasion and they would cook lunch together and he would even do the dishes. So fucked up. Can't live there anymore. The A started just before we moved into our "dream house" together. Apparently I just bought a house for her and her bf to hang out in .

The only good thing about having to sell the house and future I had is that it's increased in value significantly so I'll at least make some nice $$$ on the sale.

Skins- your story strikes a particular nerve with me. Not even that I endured anything remotely close to what you have. I just feel for you man. And take it fornwhat it’s worth... no matter what anyone here says, you handled it like a champ. Do what you want, and what you need.

Glad you got the money from the house. If you know she isn’t going to make you happy to stay with, kick her ass to the curb. If you legally separate, you can decide what you want to do. Get in the gym, get your friends and hobbies back, meet new women casually, nothing serious at first, and upgrade down the road. It will crush her when you have a younger nicer prettier version of her in 5 years. Trust me, I know.

What she did to you was abhorrent. What OM did was abhorrent. I know I have another thread going right now on how to address my feelings of revenge, and healing through forgiveness, but I need say, you held composure. Of what happened to you had happened to me, I might be in jail for blowing the OMs brains out. Maybe one day karma will hit the OM. I hope for your sake, it does, or maybe a commuter train. Either or.

Either way, I sincerely hope you find peace, happiness, success, and a better woman than your wife. That last part is When you are ready, and you will.

Sorry for the TJ

Sorry if this is a T/J part 2, but Skins, I am so happy that your house is sold. Now go out and wipe your memory of your wife and her AP. Chalk it up to a four year nightmare. They do not exist, go find a good woman and have a good life.