When does the hate start to fade? I mean really, I can't ever see a day when it's completely gone, but when does the intensity start to lessen? Because inside I am seething.
I would like to address this because you've made it abundantly clear that you have considered other actions. Before I do so let me just get this out of the way. It's easy to find out the name of the OBS - one person knows it. Your husband.
Anyway, on to my point - the ONLY way that the pain fades is when your husband begins the hard work that will MAKE it fade. If that does not happen you will continue to live with the hate and bitterness that is the residue of infidelity.
I say this often here. There are two types of reconciliation. The first is when both parties decide to stay together and "work through it." Maybe they do a little counseling, have some additional talks, do the HB thing. But slowly the marriage settles back into the same dynamics. Nothing has REALLY changed other than the affair being over. From the BS point of view, however, the anger slowly settles in. Less intense, sure, but just simmering under the lid.
The second type of reconciliation, what I call TRUE reconciliation, is when the WS decides to actually change. They become open and honest. The promote communication. They embrace the marriage as the primary vehicle in their life. Passwords and other privacy become immaterial as they openly show you their phones and laptops. They tackle therapy and learn how to be better people. The BS, as a result of the clear improvements in their spouse's character, comes to the realization that a new, better marriage awaits. So they try harder, too. New memories result. Longer, meaningful conversations. Date nights become not highlights but the norm. And the hate fades.
Don't get me wrong. I am doubtful that I will EVER forget what my wife did. In truth, I still think about it every single day. But it doesn't bother me. I see what our marriage has become and I plainly recognize that I could NEVER get this somewhere, or with someone, else. Quite frankly, my marriage rocks. Not because of what she did - but because of what she is DOING.
THAT is what makes the pain and hate fade. THAT is what your husband needs to be doing. If not, you will be stuck in this awful purgatory where you're raging between your ears.
So what to do? Avoid the biggest pitfall in marriage and start telling him what you need. Write it down if necessary. I'm going to give you one clear example.
You should move. I know, it's a huge step. But you know what? YOU need to restart your life in a place that doesn't hold the memories that it does. And you're afraid to tell the OBS for fear of your husband's AP rekindling the affair. So... you said you're "upstate" - New York, perhaps? Tell your husband it's time to head to the west coast. Or Texas. Or anywhere far enough that it's no longer a concern. Then call her husband and get this 1000 pound piano that you've been carrying off your back.
Your husband doesn't like it? Well, this is what TRUE reconciliation looks like. He should be happy to do whatever it takes to save the marriage - and if his answer is no (and he'll likely give you a hundreds reasons why) then your marriage is effectively over. If he's not willing to do what is necessary then there is no reason to salvage it - unless you are resigned to living a life of hate and bitterness and fear.
I will tell you - that is no way to live. Life is way too short and way too precious. Start the ball rolling by making it clear what you need to move forward and end your turmoil. He either responds or he doesn't. At least you have taken the first step.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 5:33 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]
