SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Charlee

No I have not and I agree it is a source of hate and fury for me. But even though my WH has been less than spectacular at anything more than rugsweeping, I am still afraid to blow this up.

I have a fear that if I contact her BH (and no I STILL have no info on him) that she will contact my WH. Then I see the two of them winding up together and please believe me when I say I COULD NOT handle that. It would be my undoing. Oh I know, he's no prize, he'd be her headache and she would over time come to see his TRUE self, not the pretend version she got. I know it likely would end in a matter of time. But even if they were together a month, a year, whatever, I could not withstand that. I would go into a spiral and never come out of it.

I think about blowing up her cushy world every fucking day. But I have to be ready to do that. I'm not there yet. I'm hanging by a thread myself and am not in any shape for a battle like that. Yet.

You're that afraid of one potential outcome? How do you feel about the others?

NTV

I'm not sure what you mean....

Well, IF you contact her bh, the following could happen:

A. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and her pursuing new dudes

B. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and pursuing your husband and your husband accepts.

C. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and pursuing your husband and your husband rejects

D. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and not pursuing your husband

E. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in reconciliation.

F. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting rugsweeping

G. He could believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in something crazy and newsworthy.

H. He could believe you and not address it with her

I. He could already know.

J. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and pursuing your husband and your husband accepts

K. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and pursuing your husband and your husband rejects

L. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in her divorce and pursuing another guy.

M. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in reconciliation.

N. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting rugsweeping

O. He could not believe you and address it with his ww, resulting in something crazy and newsworthy.

P. He could not believe you and not address it with her

Q. He could have cheated first and this be karma

R. He could have been preempted by lies from ow that you were crazy, and ignore you

S. He could not exist.

T. He could also be her brother and uncle, and they go on a daytime talk show.

U. He could be impossible to reach

V. He could be dead and shes insane and pretending hes still there.

Not saying what you fear isn't possible l, just that there are many other possible outcomes.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 11:34 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

The OBS of the OW found out in my situation (not by me) & the OW contacted my WH since she thought I was the one who told him & they ended up meeting 2 days later & having sex. Lovely, right? Now they are not together anymore & I really hate that by him finding out, they got together again for 1 more rendezvous. I am glad he knows though as I believe he deserved to know. I would tell all of her friends & family still to this day f I knew it wouldn't backfire on me. I would probably change a lot of things if I could go back & do them differently; namely expose the affair to everyone on her side as all of our friends/family knows what my WH did. I would want hers to know as well .

MBB, Fear is what is fueling your pain and anger. Fear is what is keeping you stuck. Why don't you understand that if your WH wanted his AP he would be with her. What makes you believe she wants him and the baggage he brings? Please tap into your own strength. You have it within you.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 12:00 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

MBB,

I feel your pain. March 10 three years ago, was when I finally figured out why she was so distant and always on her phone. In the middle of the night, I confronted her and outed a 9 month long EA with an old HS BF. She was on her way to see him later that month after visiting a former colleague in another state, I am sure it would have become a PA (though as she admits, he had ED when he was in HS, and still does, he likely could not have performed, but they have pills for that). More than that, it outed a pattern of EAs and PAs over the length of our relationship. Most brief, but a pattern none the less. TT took more than two years, so did her IC and work on depression.

She is better now, we are better now. But even this year, I woke in the middle of the night, sat up on the side of the bed and pondered how this all fell apart. I would not wish this pain on anyone, with the exception of her and her AP. But neither have ever felt the pain of being a BS.

The OBS of the OW found out in my situation (not by me) & the OW contacted my WH since she thought I was the one who told him & they ended up meeting 2 days later & having sex. Lovely, right?

There's the fear. This does happen, telling OBS does NOT guarantee stamping out the flames of an A.

northeasternarea

MBB, Fear is what is fueling your pain and anger. Fear is what is keeping you stuck. Why don't you understand that if your WH wanted his AP he would be with her. What makes you believe she wants him and the baggage he brings? Please tap into your own strength. You have it within you.

Guilty as charged. Fear and anxiety have held me back from so much in life. It is extremely difficult to break that pattern. Why don't I understand? Because I don't really know why he stayed with me. Cheaper to keep her? Our DS? I don't know. If I knew it was out of some great love for me that would be one thing, but I don't believe that. She wanted him for at least 4 years. She bought him a lot of presents. She was available for him at all hours of the day to talk or see him. I don't for a second believe she had no feelings for him. For all I know she was livid that he stayed with me instead of dumping me for her. Do I think she wants to give up her lifestyle? No. Maybe she felt she could steal my WH and keep her house etc. That maybe her BH would just give it up in a D.

I have been trying to tap into my own strength and I'm exhausted. This takes a huge toll on a BS as you well know. Wonder Woman I am not. This March's trigger dates are getting to me more than last year for some reason. March. I have always hated the month of March. Nothing good ever has been associated with it for me and every year, well before infidelity, I could never wait for it to be over.

Beware the ides of March indeed.

woundedbear

I feel your pain. March 10 three years ago, was when I finally figured out why she was so distant and always on her phone. In the middle of the night, I confronted her

I'm sorry, and this surely resonates with me.

I'm glad you and your WW are doing better. I agree, there's no one I'd wish this pain on besides the AP and WH. But they'd never feel this way because at heart they are lying, deceitful people. I don't believe in the context of a marriage it would even be possible to hurt them this way. They'd have to have a heart, feelings, something within their souls that would be vulnerable to this pain. They don't.

NTV,

My, that's quite a list. I see your point, but at THIS point I have tunnel vision and can only see one outcome. And yes, her WH does indeed exist. My former BFF is friends with his sister. How ironic! I've seen pictures of him too on the bitch's FB before I blocked her. Wish I found him attractive because that would be my fantasy revenge affair.

There may come a day when I simply stop caring about what consequences I would face by telling him, and start caring about the consequences so richly deserved by her and my WH. She is very much on my radar and will continue to be until in some fashion I can cause havoc in her life. I simply cannot and will not stand for some stupid bitch to slither away from something like this. In fact I have zero tolerance for ALL dumb bitch's in this world right now, down to the ones who try to cut you off on a line. I have come to mistrust my own gender tremendously through very jaded eyes.

Good or bad it's where my head is now. Once these oppressive dates pass, I pray my mindset will change. I am sick and tired of it all. Infidelity is a beast spawned in hell that takes hold of you and places you in hell with it.

I don't know how long or how in depth your WW's A was NTV, but you obviously are well past my stage of healing. You are at the point where you can regularly use humor to help me and everyone else here, and have worked a lot out within yourself and your marriage. I wish I was at your stage. I do. I don't know what you did to get there, and more power to you for doing it. I hope someday to be at your level my friend. Hold a place for me til I get there.

Lol, i guess i got a little carried away.

how do you FEEL about one of the other possible outcomes?

NTV

A little carried away? Though I must say I'm disappointed there are no W, X, Y or Z options. Off day?

Devil's advocate on my shoulder zeros in on option G.

What I'd want is for her BH to make it his business to make her life sheer misery, and I want a glass of champagne in hand as I lay back on a luxurious lounge and laugh my ass off watching it unfold.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 4:58 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Lol Sounds good to me!

I am closing in on the 2 year anniversary of the Dday. It was at the end of spring break of 2016. Such a horrible day. I will never forget that day. Never. And I will NEVER be the same. Never!

I just wanted to throw my support your way as well.

SI class of 2016 need to represent!

SI class of 2016 need to represent!

Love this!

I agree with northeastern area. I found out 4 yrs ago. No last name. Only first name. Just this past Dec I finally found out her full name ... sent a letter to her husband and her son and her sons girlfriend. I felt a sense of responsibility to let her family know exactly what she was all about. All facts no lies and proof provided.

I agree with northeastern area. I found out 4 yrs ago. No last name. Only first name. Just this past Dec I finally found out her full name ... sent a letter to her husband and her son and her sons girlfriend. I felt a sense of responsibility to let her family know exactly what she was all about. All facts no lies and proof provided. The pain started to go away on yr 3. I still look at him sometimes and think I will truly never know him .

MBB

You really need to tell the other BH. He deserves to know and it will make sure that the affair is out in the open.

You can’t be afraid to lose him because we lost them the minute they cheated. Fortunately there was no BS but unfortunate for me since I couldn’t uncover the affair. I told her mother which that wss interesting in its own. She knew about the affair called my husband by his name as if they were extremely familiar. It made me sick because she thought he was going to be her daughters future

But really you need to get the BS information and let him know immediately. What does your WH say about telling the BH? My fWH told me not to tell her coworkers. He was just protecting her and himself not me that’s for sure.

Don’t be afraid and make sure that you WH doesn’t know about your plan to tell the BH. Also get all your tracking times in place. Be ready to verify what and where your BH. Then you will know if he is being truthful and loyal.

Time to rip off the bandaid.

Be strong.

I have Goggled her BH many times over the past 2 years and come up with nothing. She pops up because she's on social media, he is not. I have no idea what he even does for a living, but in order for there to have been times my WH drove upstate to bang her, he and his OW had to have been pretty damn sure her hubby wasn't going to walk in the door. Wish he had and thrown them both a beating to be honest, though it would take a lot to take my WH down. He may be slim, but he's strong AF.

I have their home address but I do NOT trust restricted mail. For all I know she is friendly with the postman and could convince him to let her accept it and sign for BH.

Today is my DDay anniversary. My head is pounding thanks to the storm we're having at the moment. I do not need lectures about OBS. For all I know HE knew and never said anything. My WH on DDay said, of course, not to say anything. That her BH was suspicious. Maybe he was. If so, it appears to me he could have afforded to hire a PI. He could have done his own digging. I know NOTHING about him, their marriage, or anything. The only thing I know that I stumbled upon was the fact that his sister is a friend of my former BFF who I have not spoken to in over 15 years. Yes I have thought about sending the sister or even my former friend the info but I would have no guarantee they would pass it along. My former friend and I have a BFF in common, and I have said to her that my frenemy might be the way to go as a last resort.

I don't know. Will I be opening a Pandoras box I can't handle? My WH is as brilliant as he is devious. I am NOT mentally or physically up to a battle. I know him, I know my situation, and I know what I can or cannot withstand at this point in time. My world is rapidly changing as it is due to other circumstances and it's quite enough for now.

*edited to add......

Why is the possibility that her BH knows not ever considered? Because he is still with his whore of a wife? That means nothing. I'm still with WH and I know about the LTA. Their being together signifies nothing IMO*

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 8:08 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

One more thing, some of you have WH's that you can take to task. I have read about or spoken to BS's who have found creative ways of getting back at their WH's. Mine is not in the same caliber.

You all tell me to be careful. To stay safe. That's what I'm trying to do. I do not know if she would reach out to my WH to give him a heads up if her BH is informed, nor do I know the magnitude of what I would face on my end. I'm damn sure my friend who reads my posts would concur, because she knows him.

Please take my fears into consideration when insisting I contact OBS. I'm living this, and though I know you all are supportive of me, you're not HERE.

MBB, again your writing makes me feel everything for you! I can feel how you felt. The things that stick with us so clearly even year(s) after dday.

I'm glad you did something for yourself. I'm happy to see that you baked! It took me over a year to bake as well. I missed it. But, it felt good didn't it?

I know exactly why you don't inform OBS. You do need to be careful right now. The way I see it is there will come a time when everything in your world will be right again. When that time comes, what you seek with regard to POS OW will show itself. Karma, I think it is called?

I'm waiting patiently for the karma bus to ride through my part of the country. The BAW (BitchAssWhore) is single. I'll wait. I'll wait. When the time comes, I hope to be in the front row.

Peace and ((Hugs))