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If you still love her than save your marriage. You already know what you have with your currect wife. Divorce is traumatic, altough trust is very hard to rebuild, many times your spouse will become the best marriage one could hope for. I am in year 3 of D-Day (discovery day) and my husband has yet to admit to his emotional affait, will not talk about it and actually denies. I have held on as I love him however, like yesterday it was so bad for me, still much pain, anger and depression. But I married him and love him so I am hanging in there. Good luck to you!

Trying to save the marriage “at all cost” gets you what?

This is the question you should try and answer for yourself?

From what you’ve posted it’s all on you.

First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you are at this point, not only did you know something last year, but you have been driving yourself crazy (as we all have done by the way) with going into investigative mode and the roller coaster of the last whole year of knowing something but not really knowing something and still "gifting" her this last year for her to grant mercy on you as the BS and finally just tell you the truth.

But as a BS it is still always shocking, even if we might suspect deep down in our soul how bad it might be, to find out real details and then to know that your former best friend wanted you dead. along with everything else you have mentioned.

Listen, lots of members here are giving you very good advice, I would just hope that you have the help of a good IC and if you don't that you get one very soon. Be good to yourself, try to take care of you and you alone. Take some time to breath and get away from the dysfunction of all that is going on.

I think you will know the decision soon. Your head knows but your heart is trying to heal from what you now know to be true. It takes time to come to some realizations.

[This message edited by realitybites at 10:22 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

Trying to save the marriage “at all cost” gets you what?

To paraphrase something I've heard in another context. If you just want to keep your marriage in the worst way that is exactly what you will get.

Thanks again for ya'll's support. There are a million more details that of course I don't always have the time to write about. But, he "reasons" for breaking off the affair was because "I realized he's an asshole!" Oh, so that's great? Nothing about how she may have remembered that she's a MARRIED woman....nothing about how she still "loves" me, nothing about how she still cares about me....only because she "realized" he's an asshole, she said. She does say to me that she realizes how much she still loves me but no, I do not trust her at all, and I have a GPS tracker still in her car, and in our other car because she sometimes uses both. I do feel that their affair is over, but y'all all may still be right - she could be playing me, and this could all be a big ploy to somehow make me remain off the trail. As I said, I have a little GPS tracker right below the seat, about the size of a pager and it doesn't make a noise - thank God for technology. But sorry I don't post as much as I wanted to...as all of us, I have a very busy job that takes my time....

Now that it is all out how is your wife acting now? Is she remorseful? How does she explain being in an affair with a man that wanted her husband dead? What is her reasoning behind it? It just blows my mind. What is she doing to become a safe wife?

Let's presume the affair is over. There is no R if an affair is in progress, so that it is over doesn't move the R needle one inch. It only makes R some level of possibie.

Having said the reason the A is over was because the AP was an ass, starts the R in a negative number position. What foundation has she ever provided to imagine that she will be filled with:

- Empathy

- Contrition

- Love

- Honesty

- Desire for you

- Trusting in every way

- Committed to whatever you need

When has she shown these are core behaviors she is capable of embracing and live 24/7?

Ending the A does not afford any points towards R, because there is no R without an end to the A.

Right now, she is acting VERY emotional and apologetic, she is being very "honest" with, letting me read the letter sent back and forth, the gifts, and she is telling me all of his "intents"....of course I asked her why the hell she would be with such a bottom feeder and she explains it was just lust and that she always has love me, but that she just gave into passions....what an excuse. But still, like I said, I don't trust her and I have GPS trackers she has no idea about (I had one last year but she found it, so she thinks I'd never place another one). But yeah, this could all be a ploy that would permit her to hide her affair in plane sight.

So she is saying lust overruled your safety? That is just sad. I hope every gift is being thrown away or destroyed or sold. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have a family of many cheaters. Every single one of them did because they wanted out. Your wife is in another category all together. The fact that she listened to a man hope for your death, talk about having surgery to impregnate her, and cheat on her husband’s best friend. This is your marriage so you will live with your decisions but could she possibly be sociopathic? Something about her admissions are soooooo off that she does not seem to be really able to love. Sociopaths are great actors. I am not saying she is one. I am asking what in the hell is wrong with her.

lawman,

Her "realization" that he's an asshole still doesn't explain why she told you. I think you need to know that. And know that even though she is likely to give you a bullshit reason. The importance of it for you is that it gives you another barometer to test her motivations.

As it stands now, his only failing is that he is an "asshole". He satisfied her "lust". Why would she not just swap out APs? What changed to cause her to tell you?

"Lust" sounds exactly like "It was just sex" in my Bullshit Detector. Telling you she realizes how much she still loves you, has always loved you, makes my Bullshit Detector peg the needle because there isn't one example she can give of a loving action.

She is giving you a thin veneer of transparency by letting you read a letter(s), giving a list of gifts, insight into AP "intents". Right now that is all meaningless. It may become meaningful in retrospect if 2-3 years down the line she is able to show something sustainable that would cause you to accept the risk she represents.

She needs to be more forthcoming about her epiphany that he is an asshole. She didn't realize it when he talked of permanently marking her as his, impregnating her, life after your death? Again, what changed?

I recommend hair follicle drug testing. She went pretty deep into a fvcked up lifestyle. I think there is much more she is keeping from you. The cheater minimizes at all costs, telling just enough to "satisfy" the BS. She has floated out her thin veneer of transparency to see if that is enough for her to get through this.

Just remember, the GPS tells you where her car is, not where she is.

Why are you tracking her? What's the point? She's shown you who she is. She may not be in an A right now. But she will again, no doubt. Why? Bc she neither loves nor respects you.

You need to divorce, have that mentality. She cheated on you and not only cheated with a scumbag, actually she cheated with a guy who hated you and wanted you dead. That's one hell of a cheater.

Brother divorce, don't fight it. Is easier said than done, but deep down you know it has to happen. She only cut contact with him a few weeks ago, after a year of taking it underground and she is few steps ahead of you. Idk but I doubt this was her first rodeo and it doesn't matter, because what you've been serve is a xl sh*t sandwich.

Have some alone time, discover yourself again. Learn to be alone and not be afraid of it, after that and once you healed up look around for other female options, they will be better than your wife and won't cheat. And if your wife shows you that she really is remorseful then consider R, but that's a long time from now.

Lawman1, I feel your pain man! You will find men and women here who took the route of calling it quits and believing that everyone needs to do the same. Every case is different man! Only you know the attributes and problems that your wife has. No one here knows all your history. Those of us who have decided to fight for our marriages have done so after carefully analyzing our relationship as a whole. I can tell you that many of my friends would have no respect for me if they knew what my wife did, but many others would be supportive. Take your time! Focus on yourself and be kind and patient with your wife. It's going to be a long process. If both of you are devastated then your marriage could be worth fighting for. My two cents :-)

Just to be clear..... she ended it because she realized he was an asshole...

Not that he want you dead as in for real dead...

And she never said anything about being afraid of him or him being physical??

He wanted you dead! She stayed with him an even entertained his desire to reverse his snip job and knock her up so that they could be a family together..... in the end with the money you earned and your life insurance I'm sure.... I would never get over that.

No matter what she says she is not safe to be with... did she encourage you to get more life insurance during the affair? Did she take out a policy or increase one with or without you knowing?

Just things to think about?

I am actually in favour of reconciliation if the WS is remorseful and the BS wants it.

You seem to want it but I have to say that your wife seems to be as far from remorseful as you can get. She berated you on and after DD1, she treated you with absolute and contemptuous disrespect, she continued with her affair underground even though her AP wanted you dead and now suddenly she is remorseful?

I'm sorry to say this but you have shown naivety, passivity and weakness throughout in your actions although talking the talk. This is where that approach got you. Learn from that please!

You are doing exactly the same after DD2.

She must prove beyond shadow of doubt that she is remorseful. Please for once show her your strength and determination. Get your divorce papers together, show them to her, make her tell close family members. Continue to process the divorce up to the point where you are absolutely sure she is truly remorseful. On the assumption that point is reached take time and care in deciding that you want to offer her the gift of reconciliation.

I would suggest that even if she is truly remorseful at that point you will find that a very difficult decision having regard to the way she has treated you in the last year or so.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:36 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

The reason she didn't admit a yr ago was because you took d off the table.

The reason the affair continued another yr is you took d off the table.

The reason you had a quasi false r (not even a clearly laid out path to r as well as an ongoing a) is you took r off the table.

Now you are taking d off the table again.

A pro wrestling referee says "stop or I tell you stop again" with no consequences. What's the difference between that and what you are doing?

I'm not telling you to d her. I'm telling you d always needs to be on the table or ultimately you have zero consequences.

Like MarcusR said, people's advice here will be generally based on what they did. If they D'd, then they will tell you to D, and visa versa. Do not base your life and your family's future on what other people will think. Don't let men "man shame" you into "growing a spine" and have that be the reason for divorce.

Getting to the bottom of the betrayal, that is where you find your reason to stay or go. You need to know why your WW was so broken that she could do this, then you need to decide if she is willing to do the work to fix it. She needs IC, so do you. And if you can't figure out why, that's a good enough reason to D too. If you can, you have a chance for R.

So the OM wanted you dead...that is because he wanted what you had, and your WW was not committed enough to him to leave you. If you were dead there was nothing holding her back in his mind. Sick shit, but not uncommon. My fWW's AP asked several times what would happen if "something happened to Woundedbear or OBS" (I have diabetes - totally under control, OBS has a heart condition) In his fantasy, if I was gone, he could have her. It was not necessarily a threat, but a fantasy. (you are closer, you know if it is serious or not)

I think a plan many on SI offer is the best, draw up papers for divorce, even file if there is a cooling off period, then set strong parameters for her in R. IC, NC, full disclosure, full transparency, boundaries for interaction with other men, no girl trips, for a period of time, no leaving the house alone for any reason. She goes on lock down until her wayward thinking clears (some call it the fog). If she violates that, D, if she does the work, R.

Both of you have to know why she was so pissed at you that she did this, both of you need to know why she was so broken, that she went wayward and allowed herself to be so humiliated by this narcissistic nut job. (seriously a tattoo with his symbols? Does he think he is an overlord? )

Just my thoughts. I only know what I know from my perspective. And I only know about 1% or the dynamic happening in your home.

Woundedbear, I can only speak for myself here, but the OM wanting lawman dead and his reason(s) why have nothing to do with this.

The issue/concern here is she knew this psycho wanted her husband dead and she stayed with him and said nothing. Yeah yeah she had her reason(s) why not to say anything but her knowing this is beyond she was in "the Fog".

Whatever her reasons for the A when you find out she knew this guy wanted you DEAD and continued the affair despite knowing this....as Cooley stated, this is sociopath behavior.

I agree with booyah.

Look,

1) She cheated

2) She cheated with someone who had high STD risk

3) She kept it underground

4) She cheated and kept cheating with someone who wanted him dead

5) Did she want lawman dead ?

6) She left OM for the wrong reasons and seems remorseless

In the end, despite religious beliefs, and the kids, would you stay with her otherwise ?? If not, then lawman is going to live a world of hurt because he's settling for someone who has severe issues. The marriage will be built on a bad foundation