SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In essence, you are advising people to do what you haven't done.

Why so much effort to advise people not to R? I just don't get why this is so important to you. You don't understand the views of some of us who have happily R'd (or you don't believe we are really Happy or really R'd, or whatever). I would readily advise someone planning to end their M to not allow the WS to ambush and seduce them. But that's just me. If you and others "allow" that, that is your business.

Question to you: Would you rather stay with your WS and try to R but still struggle with mind movies, negative thought loops, daily triggers and thoughts of AP during sex even 5 years after DD or..... start the process of emotionally detaching right after DD, do the complete 180, separate/divorce and be free from the source of your pain and have most of those thoughts and feelings disappear and be generally happy only after a year or 2 instead?

There are so many situations in this world that people seem to believe can be boiled down to two choices and you are not even allowed to think about something in between, or other options.

As for me, in both my marriages, I made decisions that would allow me to move forward in life in the best way possible. I divorced my first serial cheater H. I R'ed with my current H. I made the right decision for me both times and was able to move forward in life in a positive manner. I do not subscribe to the "takes 2-5 years to heal" statement even though it is repeated often here and many authors and counselors proclaim this.

Just like other bad things that have happened in my life, my current H's A is a negative part of our history. But whether you choose to believe it or not, my H and are closer than ever and get closer every year.

Viola: The state of your marriage has nothing to do with your decision to cheat. If you didn't like your marriage either work on your issues or divorce. Cheating is never an acceptable choice and people who can make that choice are just broken inside and need therapy/medication to get better.

You make it sound like you're victim even though you're the one whose caused tremendous pain for your spouse. My WW is doing the same thing, playing the victim because I'm the one pushing for divorce and now she is sad about losing her home, husband, career and potential future children.

I haven't called anyone a "scumbag" but I do find people who cheat as selfish, greedy, disrespectful and generally mentally unwell.

I'm sorry that my POV is upsetting for you but I'm not going to apologize for it. If anyone needs to apologize it's all of the cheaters who are ruining marriages and destroying families with their selfish, wayward behavior.

This thread is whack.

I'm surprised it hasn't been locked yet. I mean now its just trading barbs.

"And in this corner...

[This message edited by metoohurt at 12:16 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

That was cold, skins21. She doesn't need to be beat up right now. Do you kick dogs, too?

@Viola I am so sorry for the loss of your child.

Yeah, I can totally see how screwing around on your husband seems like a great cure for PPD. That logic won't complicate your life at all...

I'm sorry for the loss of your child too Viola. I'm even sorrier for your BH. He gets to mourn the loss of his child and deal with betrayal from his wife. I can't even imagine that ordeal. Clearly she's the victim in her sitch SMS.

Skin

Follow your own advice: Don‘t waste any more time…

Focus on your own situation rather than come out swinging at everyone else.

Don’t try to detach: Detach.

Don’t try to divorce: Divorce.

And yes – what you are doing now is about as true as the reconciliation you tried. You are in quasi-divorce.

Losing a child and having PPD does not make someone cheat. If it did, there'd be plenty more people cheating than there already are.

Not being a good wife/husband, that makes ppl cheat. Everything else is just a bad excuse.

Never said it was a good choice but thanks for kicking me on that. Didn't say that an affair was a good solve for PPD. Wow, that was really mean.

Also never said it was the state of my marriage that made me cheat. But go ahead and not read the actual words.

I agree that the broken and the sick need to heal. Which, I did, after I got help, and you know, realized I needed it and admitted it.

I am not, and never was, a victim, of anyone, or anything. Nor did I say that or imply that.

Your POV skins, is pain and nasty and mean. It just is. And you keep insulting people who you don't know. Why are you okay with insulting people (BS and WS) you don't know?

Sister, thank you,

Its really sad what has happened to this site. So much negative. So much hate and not actually reading and listening.

Im sorry for your pain, no one deserves any of this.

Stayedforthekids - thanks for your assumptions, but, much like my first post, when i mentioned you know nothing about other peoples situation, my H didn't deal at all with the loss. He left it all to me. by myself. alone. So yes, that was shitty of him right> and yes, that contributed to my PPD. which YES,, did then contribute to the CHOICES I made (and don't hide from admitting) to hurt him terribly.

Assuming you know about someone, and generalizing your comments the way you both just did, is exactly what the people on this thread, BS and WS, are trying to point out are wrong.

It is WRONG to generalize, and it is wrong to be mean and nasty.

Thank you to the BS's who stood up for the choice they made to heal their wounded marriages and give their WS's the gift. It matters, and it can be a great thing. Its very sad that not everyone gets that chance.

JEsus... such a place full of wisdom, age, introspection and honesty, and you folks still haven’t figured out that skins is just venting? That maybe you are just exacerbating the excrustiating pain he is in by nitpicking his generalizations because they instill anger and insecurity in your choice to R? We get it. To each their own. That includes skins, and that includes me, and others, and anyone who either Ds or Rs.

Let the guy rage, vent process and breathe. I can’t blame him for the surreal emotion he is feeling. He needs an outlet. Better he make broad generalizations that he is isn’t even necessarily imposing on Anyone and you all just take it so damn personally, and jump on him for, than act out in a truly aggressive manner.

Viola- with all due respect, you have been through hell, and I Ann cognizant of this, and sorry for it. But NOTHING you went through remotely pales to what your H went through. He suffered the same loss you did, and had the privilege of being dehumanized, humiliated and disrespected by his wife. And if I’m not mistaken, you only recently posted that things are difficult between you two. You say unrelated to the A, but rest assured, part of it is still that festering wound you caused. Sure you deserve love, respect, and compassion, all humans eventually do to some extent. But from the man you gutted? Good luck. And maybe that’s a testament to Skins point.

Idk

Don’t rage if you don’t have a leg to stand on. If he was an ass you should have left him, cheating on him you have to own, and be humble about. But from what I have seen you try and demand respect, and speak with assertion and boldness of our opinion, and bash your BH. Not gonna get much sympathy or respect from BHs, me or anyone for it.

The point here is to just acknowledge that skins is hurt. We all,

Have been there, WS or BS. And just as a WS may deserve compassion, so does a a BS who is just suffering in the cruelty of his circumstance.

The one thing no one seems to bring up is the fact that filing for Divorce is not necessarily the end of the marriage. I know several couples who divorced and were remarried a few years later and lived happily ever after. It's not common but it does happen in relationships where one spouse is an alcoholic. My family is filled with alcoholics and co-alcoholics (codependents) - we're just wired that way. And a big percentage of my friends fall into that category as well so it's always been part of my life so it stands to reason I'd know several couples who have remarried.

The other experience I can speak to is what happened to me. XWH cheated back in 1983 with a floozy he drank with. I was ready to leave him but he was so pathetic and downtrodden, I gave in and stayed. We did really well for a long time after that but he quit going to AA and he never did the "make amends" part and started to slip back into some alcoholic behaviors (i.e., dry drunk), especially after he lost his job at age 54 1/2 and then his mother died.

Everyone thought we were the model couple. We were admired and loved and, I thought, happy.

Fast forward to 2017. He was different after attending his 50th H.S. reunion and seeing his old girlfriend and became someone I didn't know anymore. I saw the veil come over his face on DDay, 3 May 2017. I was confronting with what I knew and he kept denying but I wouldn't quit cuz in my heart of hearts, I knew and when he finally put his head down and admitted that he'd been "lying horribly," that veil came down over his face that 2 minutes earlier had been open and loving and kind. So I knew right then that he was gone to me. He left that day and has had no contact with me since. He totally cut me out of his life and lives 1000 miles away. With said girlfriend who was married to her 3rd husband at the time.

So if I can warn one person to not fall into the Hell-hole I find myself in at age 68, after having moved to FL where HE wanted to live, after caring for his parents 100%, giving up my career, no pension, no friends here, no family except for daughter, this big house I need to sell but can't even get out of bed in the mornings cuz I'm still in such shock to find myself in this situation.

We should never encourage anyone to R. Never. We should encourage them to heal and they will heal better if they don't have the lying spouse in their face, manipulating them every step of the way. Once they're healed enough to think clearly, then they can decide what to do. I wish I'd known to do that way back when. I believe we'd have gotten back together but I would've been healed and it would've made all the difference in the world. But instead I was always insecure after that and probably suffering from the traumatic stress disorder.

ETA to clarify first DDay info.

[This message edited by josiep at 12:55 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Stayedforthekids - thanks for your assumptions, but, much like my first post, when i mentioned you know nothing about other peoples situation, my H didn't deal at all with the loss. He left it all to me. by myself. alone. So yes, that was shitty of him right> and yes, that contributed to my PPD. which YES,, did then contribute to the CHOICES I made (and don't hide from admitting) to hurt him terribly.

Assuming you know about someone, and generalizing your comments the way you both just did, is exactly what the people on this thread, BS and WS, are trying to point out are wrong.

It is WRONG to generalize, and it is wrong to be mean and nasty.

Thank you to the BS's who stood up for the choice they made to heal

Just stop with the generalization accusations Viola. I didn't generalize a damn thing. I responded to what you posted and you just elaborated and just confirmed what I suspected.

You subtly blameshifted your choices and situation onto your BH and his behavior. Did PPD suspend your integrity and moral compass? Did it cause you to forget vows? Did your situation cause you to forget what was right and wrong? Did your BH compel you to screw around? Or was it simply a convenient way to justify something you simply wanted to do? Own your choices Viola and don't blame your BH.

Nicenomore:

JEsus... such a place full of wisdom, age, introspection and honesty, and you folks still haven’t figured out that skins is just venting? That maybe you are just exacerbating the excrustiating pain he is in by nitpicking his generalizations because they instill anger and insecurity in your choice to R? We get it. To each their own. That includes skins, and that includes me, and others, and anyone who either Ds or Rs.

Let the guy rage, vent process and breathe. I can’t blame him for the surreal emotion he is feeling. He needs an outlet. Better he make broad generalizations that he is isn’t even necessarily imposing on Anyone and you all just take it so damn personally, and jump on him for, than act out in a truly aggressive manner.

You shouldn't have said "you all"

Otherwise, it's perfect.

I completely agree with Skins and Staying.

I feel tha Viola is still in her “I’m the victim” stage. Yes sorry for the loss of the baby but you should be mourning the loss of your marriage and BH. He didn’t choose to cheat because of the grief of his child but you did. PPD has nothing to do with you spreading your legs for another man. Do you know how much you hurt your husband. After losing a child you become a skank. Wow put aside the grief and pain of your child and look at what you did to your BH. You destroyed him.

So stop whining and make a decision to help him. If not separate and let him grieve his two losses in peace.

Okay, listen up people. Enough of the insults, bickering, criticisms, and hypocritical judgment. If you don't have something constructive and helpful to contribute, then move along.

I agree with your last post,nicenomore. Clearly the OP is venting,and in pain. Yet he's been repeatedly told his pain isn't as great as the waywards posting here,or possible lurkers reading his posts.

I've also noticed people telling him to stop the generalizations,that they're against the rules. Yet, waywards have posted on this thread. A venting thread, which is also against the guidelines,and no one has mentioned they're breaking the rules.

OP, your feelings matter. They're valid. And, please know, while it's important that those who are reconciled to speak their truth, it's equally important for those BS, who don't have an ideal WS, to know that they don't have to keep trying. That you don't have to reconcile with your abuser,and if the WS continues to be an ass, it's ok to say fuck off.

And it's ok to hate cheaters.

My last post was posted at the same time as lieshurt. My apologies if I broke a rule.

Just for a general FYI, if one wants to have a venting thread one needs to put "VENT" in their topic title.

Thanks for that information. Maybe I should just start a thread for advice about what's worked best for helping the BSs leave their WS and start a new life on their own.

After-all, there really is no playbook about escaping infidelity and every situation is unique in some aspect.

Maybe I should just start a thread for advice about what's worked best for helping the BSs leave their WS and start a new life on their own.

After-all, there really is no playbook about escaping infidelity and every situation is unique in some aspect.

That is a fantastic idea!

And as I've said probably several times in these 13 pages, I was cheated on by two H's and had two very different outcomes; I divorced the first and R'ed with my current H and have no regrets about either decision. It certainly does give me a firm mindset that no two situations are the same and we all have to make our own way through it, no matter what we choose. It is also nice if we respect each other's decisions even if it doesn't seem to fit what we think would be best.

But in my first M, I would definitely be able to share my experience and how I divorced him with three small children and no support system, no SI, no counseling at that time, and little help from any family or friends. But while I share this experience, I personally would always make a point to say that not all situations are the same and my second marriage was definitely worth saving and I'm glad I forgave him.

I'm sorry to everyone here. It sucks!!! Please don't attack each other. I have found comfort in being able to come here to see I'm not the only one going through this. I don't think anyone is intentionally trying to hurt another member. There are days I'm so hurt I just want to write everything here but only because it helps me when I get it off my chest, I would never want to discourage R or D. Skins, your last post about starting a thread on how to help the BS leave the WS I love to read that. Iam happy for those of you who have a truly remorseful spouse. I don't. I too feel like the past 8 months have been a painful waste of my time, but I'm to weak to leave. I hate living like this, i don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and when I question anything he ignores me until I give in. I know his defensiveness is guilt he still lies. Yes I'm an asshole for staying. He acts the way he does because I allow it. I don't want to get any older only to look back and say I really missed out on a life full of love and respect. So if someone has a magic wand or a magic answer to stop my pain and help me heal please let me know.