SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know, part of me agrees with Skins. A part of me thinks that a WS deserves no empathy or grace. To me, cheating is a deal breaker, not only for the BS but the WS as well. I broke my vows, not only to my wife and child, but to myself as well. These weren’t insignificant promises like putting the toilet seat up or to pick up my dirty clothes, but the one of most important promises I’ll ever make. Despite all of the opinions of FOO issues playing into the decision, I KNEW it was wrong and did it anyway. IMO, that is the one absolute concrete truth about infidelity. This was no mistake or error in judgement. This was a concious and deliberate decision. Period. So why should any BS even consider R? Why not kick the WS to the curb and call it a day? The BS has every right to and I could certainly find no fault for doing so.

That being said, while I don’t think the WS deserves anything but a swift kick in the ass, it is also the BS right to offer R. But just because it’s offer doesn’t mean the WS is off the hook. While my situation is somewhat different from most WS, I have worked harder on myself than at any other time in my life. Even by doing all of that, there is no guarantee that I won’t be kicked to the curb anyway. And deservedly so.

ff4152,

I completely agree with every point you made.

Divorcing me was unquestionably the right decision, for both of us. It was a dealbreaker for both of us. He refused to be married to someone who cheated on him and I was obviously too immature and selfish to have made that kind of commitment in the first place.

But in deciding to reconcile and remarry, he made an equally valid choice. Everyone should do what is right for them and their own situation without consideration for others’ judgment.

I'm not quite sure why you got such an ass-beating in this thread when you CLEARLY stated (and I quote):

I've come to the conclusion that reconciliation is pointless...

I thought that statement made it pretty clear that this was your opinion and the decision YOU'D come to after looking at all the facts. And then it was followed by a vent. To me, it was plain as day.

And for the record, I agree with you 100%.

I thought that statement made it pretty clear that this was your opinion and the decision YOU'D come to after looking at all the facts. And then it was followed by a vent. To me, it was plain as day.

And for the record, I agree with you 100%.

I agree 100%, too. I have been reading this thread shaking my head. The outcry from those in R is unnecessary. It was one poster's opinion.

Anytime a poster says R is rare or anything of the sort, those in R come dashing in asking for resources to prove it. Yet they offer no source to prove it wrong or to prove it when they claim most couples reconcile.

Pair this thread with the alimony thread and it is mind-boggling that BS ever give the gift of R. There are WS in the alimony thread stating their RIGHT to marital assets and alimony (aka FUTURE EARNINGS!) The entitled attitude from those who are supposedly "remorseful" is disgusting.

*I* believe no BS should wait for the "fog" to clear. If the fog doesn't clear between Dday and how quickly the BS can see a lawyer and file, *I* believe every BS should run as fast as they can.

It is agonizing to read about BSs in the R forum waiting weeks, months, or longer for the fog to clear. It is even worse when those in R or R'd are telling those BS to be patient because it doesn't happen overnight. And the BS withers and suffers and accepts crumbs as though they are diamonds.

Heartbreaking.

I'm not allowed to make any more generalizations but I suspect that I'm getting a lot of negativity because R is difficult and my story shows the ugly side of wasting a year with a spouse who isn't completely remorseful yet. For me, the wait was long enough and it only mentally tortured me further to find out everything, listen to her answer all of my questions and then not be 100% all-in trying to fix herself, forget about OM, help me heal and work on rebuilding the marriage.

Anyone else who may have a spouse like mine might get upset and realize that they are doing all of the heavy lifting instead of WS and that the marriage might not be salvageable and all of their efforts were futile.

Furthermore some BSs stay even though the love they had for WS is diminished, altered and they don't feel the same way that they used to about them. Many other factors other than love and happiness bond them to WS instead. Is that a successful R though?

>>Anyone else who may have a spouse like mine might get upset and realize that they are doing all of the heavy lifting instead of WS and that the marriage might not be salvageable and all of their efforts were futile.<<

Yup. Sure. Been there. Done that. Lot's of us have. It is very common, unfortunately. It is a bitter pill to swallow.

You do the best you can. Then, if you find that you have to walk away, at least you know you gave it everything you could. Not much of a consolation but it is something.