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I feel a bit silly posting this but I wanted to get some feedback on a quandary I find myself in.

My older sister (age 41) is getting married in a week. It is her first marriage. This last Saturday she had a wedding shower followed by a bachelorette party that same night. My WW was invited to neither.

First off, while my sister and I are not overly close, she is very protective of me, and has been so since we were little. Suffice it to say she has hated my WW with a passion ever since WW's affair. It is doubly sad since they were quite close and very good friends before my WW blew everything up.

She was adamant I not take my WW back after our initial separation and was infuriated when I took her back and am attempting R. My decision has thrown a wrench in our relationship and we have been walking on needles around each other for at least a year now. It bothers me, but at the same time I feel what I am doing is right and I wanted my sister to support my efforts.

Well now my WW is really upset and feels ostracized. She IS invited to the wedding, but since all this went down she does not want to go. I told her that she cannot back out of every family function just because my sister wants to be hateful. We argued about it last night. I told her she needs to take the high road, suck it up and understand that these things are all consequences of her affair. Well that just made her more upset.

This affair business has caused more drama in the last two years of my life than the entire three and a half decades preceding it. I just wish things would die down and get to normal.

And I despise going to weddings. This whole fiasco is making it ten times worse. I don't know how to handle this. Any suggestions?

Your WW needs to get over her hurt feelings. Actions have consequences. Your sister is not being hateful. Your wife is no longer one of her close friends.

Do you want to have a relationship with your sister? If you do, I would suggest that both of you attend the wedding.

Your sister has your back. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe one day she will come around. I think you need to give your sister more time. She needs to see your WW give it her all and do everything possible to make you happy.

Others may not agree. But i say that you should not make your WW go to the wedding if she strongly desires not to go.

I do think that she probably should go...but don't "make" her go.

Unfortunately, this is a simple consequence of infidelity. Hopefully it will get better with time. But it may not.

My experience with women, once they lose respect for someone...its almost impossible for them to give it back.

I'm sorry and good luck.

Has your sister apologized to your entire family yet? If not, I would suggest she call or visit each family member and offer a heartfelt apology and tell everyone how's changed and is remorseful and thankful for her second chance and won't hurt you ever again.

Beyond that? Maybe your sister knows something you don't.... or your sister cares too much about you to see you hurt again by the same person.

Has your sister apologized to your entire family yet? If not, I would suggest she call or visit each family member and offer a heartfelt apology and tell everyone how's changed and is remorseful and thankful for her second chance and won't hurt you ever again.

Beyond that? Maybe your sister knows something you don't.... or your sister cares too much about you to see you hurt again by the same person.

Yes my WW wrote letters to all my family members and has sat down with most of them to talk about what she did...except my older sister.

My sister was as blindsided as anyone. She has really refused o speak to my WW alone since DDay. I doubt she would know any information that I do not.

I respectfully disagree with northeastern area and metoohurt...

Well no, I agree that your sister is supporting you, and you don't want to loose her.

But, IMHO, our spouse is our #1 family. Parents and siblings come after them.

When I got engaged to my H, my parents were greatly opposed. I informed them that I would always love them, and never break contact with them. But I also told them that he was going to be my H, and I hoped they would not make me choose.

They didn't. I never regretted putting him first, and they soon came around and learned to adore him.

Now, I know your wife has betrayed you and your sister is "in your corner", but again, IMHO, if you are both serious about your R, you and your wife are both in your corner.

You can love and appreciate your sister's support, and continue your relationship with her, but she needs to know that this woman is your wife - warts and all - if that's what you have decided. And that you will always love her (sister), but you have decided to R, and she needs to at least respect it, even if she doesn't agree with it or like it.

I don't mean to be harsh. Your wife betrayed you. But you have decided to R, so you need to be all in.

Please take this as a grain of salt...just one woman's opinion.

ETA: I realized I didn't answer your question regarding the wedding.

I would explain what I said above, (only if you agree with it, of course) and ask for her support for your wife to attend the wedding with you, so that the two of you could present a united front. If she refuses, I would consult your W, and ask her if she understood that you want to support your sister.

If your W doesn't want even you to go, you have a tough decision to make.

If neither of them will budge, then you would have a very tough decision to make.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:38 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Just because you have chosen to forgive your wife doesn’t mean that anyone else has to. There’s no reason for your sister to include your WW in her wedding festivities with her GFs. She doesn’t consider your wife the type of person that she wants to be friends with. That’s her choice.

Your sister did invite her to the wedding which is appropriate as your spouse. Your wife shouldn’t be forced to attend any more than your sister should have been forced to include her in the shower; etc.

I have friends and relatives who are married to people I don’t particularly want to be friends with. I am polite and civil, but i don’t consider them to be friends.

Maybe if your wife quit living in shame and actually took action and treated you like the king you should be family will see tht you and her have rebuilt and are happy. My husband made real and significant changes. Honestly my family respects him more now than before. They see he treats me well and makes me happy. This garners respect.

Additionally if your sister has never been M she doesn't know or understand all the dynamics of a married relationship. She will soon though.

People who are invited to showers and bachelorette parties should be people that are wanted by the bride to support the bride. It is HER day.

She has been invited to the wedding. She can support you by going and being gracious. Not being included to the other events is a small price to pay for what she has done.

These are Consequences she may not have considered, along with all of the other ones.

"You can love and appreciate your sister's support, and continue your relationship with her, but she needs to know that this woman is your wife - warts and all - if that's what you have decided. And that you will always love her (sister), but you have decided to R, and she needs to at least respect it, even if she doesn't agree with it or like it.

this!!

ok so she didn't get invited to the showers. but she was invited to the wedding.

i'd have a heart to heart with sister and say if you can't show my relationship respect (and that includes my wife) then I will need to detach from my relationship with you.

[This message edited by sewardak at 1:55 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Just as you have decided that your relationship with your wife is YOUR business, not your sister's, the relationship between your wife and your sister is THEIRS, not yours.

You don't need to throw blame or judgment of EITHER of them into this. You don't need to make their relationship about YOU.

Your sister's wedding is about HER, and she deserves to have it be about that. Your wife's decisions about her own level of participation is about THEIR relationship.

You can feel entitled to make it about you, or some litmus test for your relationship, or a test of her being able to "suck it up" as a form of punishment (whether overt or implied), but you don't have to. If you are still in this stage of recovery, know that it's a valid stage, but you don't have to be stuck there.

This is a circimstance where something may have to be fake for the good of the circumstance. Your wife may decide to go, plaster a fake smile on her face, and endure it. If she chooses this, let it be a thankful situation for you. The two of them, I promise you, have ZERO chance of either of them being in a place of exchanging BFF necklaces on your sister's wedding day. Cajoling a relationship between them is not your place. Supporting each of them, in the context of a positive relationship you have with each, is.

If you want your wife to go to the wedding, your route to an honest relationship with her is to extend the invitation and be okay with her choice. Badgering or attempting to influence might get her there, but it won't make for a joyful experience for either of you. She'll still have to fake enthusiasm, but it will be forced (again, whether overt or implied) instead of a genuine desire to be there with you.

And if she decides NOT to go, it will be about HERSELF and not YOU. As hard as that would be for you, and as easy as it would be to find your anger in that moment, you will have a choice to make about how you assess it. Sometimes extending grace can touch our own hurts more than we realize.

Its your sister day and her life

If she do not want relationship with your wife

Then its her choice

Do not choose anyone

Go to your sister's wedding and

Enjoy with or without your wife

I think your wife needs to get over this - and the best way is by going through it, i.e. attend the wedding and just brazen it out to some extent. In time, people's anger will fade, but she needs to accept that not everyone is going to welcome her back with open arms.

If my sister's husband cheated on her, I'd be pretty pissed off with him, no doubt about it.

IMO this isnt choosing your wife over your sister.

I disagree with "this is your wife...you need to choose her".

This is simple wedding etiquette....

Your wife is invited to the wedding...as she should be because she is the WIFE of the brother of bride.

Your sister isn't friends with your wife....so she isn't invited to the bachelorette party or the shower. Those are events reserved for the brides friends.

This is precisely the type of fallout that affairs create. Their path of destruction is wide and indiscriminate. There are so many aspects of our lives that infidelity damages that we do not think of at first that come in the wake from the fallout and it is horrible. I know, I've been there as a BS myself.

First of all, you can not blame your sister for her reaction. She is your blood and has been your sister for your entire life. If the roles were reversed you would likely act very similar. I do not think she is being "hateful". My daughter from my previous marriage found out about my WW's A and acted very similarly. She didn't want me to R and also did not want to have anything to do with my WW for a good while. It was bad and the drama put me in the middle of a tornado at times. But, you have to understand that it was the A that caused all of this. Actions have consequences.

Most likely, your sister will eventually come around and normalcy will return in time. But it has to be on your sisters time and nobody else's.

I know this is a frustrating situation and it has thrown your family dynamics out of whack. But the main point here is that it is only a natural reaction to the news of the A and none of this would have happened had she not decided to cheat. I am approaching five years now since Dday and everything has gone well for about 2 years but I had very similar problems as you and it was a bad situation.

Just adding to most of the responses. The shower and bachelorette party was for your sister. She wants to have the friends that are important to her there to celebrate with her. It is about her big day. She doesn't want a downer in the group that may take the shine off the events for her.

Your WW is invited to the wedding with you. She wouldn't be if you weren't going to attend. She is acknowledging that you are still married and together even if she doesn't want to be "friends" with your WW.

I expect your sister felt betrayed, too. Not to the extent you were but enough. You are attempting reconciliation. She doesn't need to. The wedding is a larger event than the more intimate, fun shower and bachelorette party.

Your wife is invited to attend. She should suck it up. She needs to earn trust. It doesn't just come automatically. It doesn't come if your WW is sulking and pouty. Consequences.

If you don't know this already it's important that you know that your sister is not hurting your wife. She's hurting your marriage. If you two are reconciling then you're on your wife's side of ALL disputes with family. I'd also advise you to stop calling her your WW. She was your WW. Now she's your wife. Labels like that aren't constructive for reconciliation.

The marital relationship has to come first before any and all other relationships. Even ahead of a parent/child relationship but definitely ahead of a brother/sister relationship.

If you were divorcing then all bets are off and you can take whatever side you want.

At the end of the day it's your sister's gig and she can invite whomever she wants to whatever events she wants BUT since you've decided to reconcile then it's up to you to step in and defend your wife.

Let's put it this way. If your wife had never had an affair and your sister was doing the exact same thing, how would you respond?

Not inviting a person you are no longer friends with to parties is not hateful. Your sister should be civil and respectful to your wife as a human being but your wife's anger for a lack of invitation is misplaced. She should be angry at herself for the behavior that caused her to lose that friendship.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 8:40 AM, March 23rd (Friday)]

I think your sister did the right thing. Obviously your wife is no longer considered a close friend so she wasn’t invited to the shower or the bachelorette party. BUT, your sister did suck it up and invite her to the wedding. That was far more gracious than I would have wanted to be.

If your wife does decide to be gracious as well and accept the invitation, she should go with a realization of the grace offered, and make sure she does NOTHING to take away from the bride’s day. (No sulking, pouting or pettiness for goodness sake).