Got back from visiting youngest daughter on the west coast last night. Can't remember if I shared with everyone that, after we scheduled this trip, H actually had a friend of his reach out to him about a job. At first we sort of laughed because we assumed H would be way too over qualified, but as the communication exchanges continued, it wasn't so clear.
So H met with some people from this company, and they made it clear they really, really want him. He got a better idea of the job expectations, and this would be right up his alley and would combine all of his skill sets he's developed over an almost 30 year career history.
There are more details about his current job I don't think I've mentioned here... last summer when he committed to repairing our relationship, he cut back on his work hours - OK... 60 hours a week vs. 70 and sometimes 80. He cut back on business travel and of course there was that pesky little 45-day medical leave of absence in the fall when he went to rehab; and now they are telling him as of the end of the year, someone else (one of his direct reports) will be taking over his job and he can 'create his own wish list' for a new position. Now I know this sounds like something a lot of people would die for, but to me it says, 'we don't really know what we want to do with you, but you don't seem to be as invested in the job anymore, so we're going to speed up grooming this other person who is more committed than you because she's got a lot more years left at the company at her age.' My fear is he will create this new job and after a year or two, they will say they don't see it benefitting the bottom line of the company, and then they can use that to fire him. The attorney we met with last week suggested H negotiate for a work contract if he stays with the company, so that they'd have to have just cause to fire him. We're not sure they'd cooperate with that, but we'd have to try. If not, then he says, "Hey, it seems like you don't really have a plan for me right now and I'm probably 5 years, plus or minus 1 or 2, from retirement, so what kind of package are you willing to offer me if I leave now?" Then we relocate for the new job. Biggest bonus of it all is that I no longer have to worry about #4 coming back and filing a complaint, leading to his firing, where any severance package at that point will be substantially diminished because he's no longer in the driver's seat.
So why all the background? Yesterday when D and I dropped H off at the office he was interviewing at, my panic ramped up to the point that, as D and I were walking around the downtown area, I told her I had to go back to the car - my anxiety was causing me to be almost non-functional... I couldn't engage in conversation, and was so inwardly focused on what was currently transpiring in that meeting. On the walk back to the car, I told her about what was going on with H's current job, and that that development was the key to why H was even considering interviewing with this new company. I also finally told her about the PTSD - she asked me why, and I told her that it was in large part to everything that had happened last summer, and including two of my brothers dying 12 days apart. She seemed to get it and I felt like telling her this stuff helped her understand why I was so distraught in the moment. What she doesn't know is my anxiety about any fall out if H stays at the same company and he doesn't get a work contract... we could spend the rest of his career worrying about whether #4 decides to make his life miserable.
I was telling my trauma therapist about this today, and she asked if I'd felt a sense of relief just telling D about the current job situation, and I told her yes. The therapist asked how we'd decided back last summer what to tell our kids - I told her one of the kids asked H in private if he'd cheated on me, and he answered yes. I told him once he told her, he had to tell the other one. They said they didn't want to know any details, so they don't know it was with someone from work, much less that this woman was very unstable (although she is gone now, but blames that on H because she could 'no longer work at the same company he was at').
So now that this job chaos is facing us, and I feel like I'm in the midst of a tornado again in even considering the possibility of uprooting my life right now and moving 2000 miles away, I feel very compelled to explain to them all we are taking into consideration when discerning which job he should stay at or leave. Because every time I talk to them now (which is often now given how quickly things are changing), I feel like I'm hiding a big factor of what is playing into this decision, which in reality, is adding to my anxiety level... hence my massive panic attack yesterday that took a whole mg. of Xanax to dissipate. I'm tired of just explaining away my anxieties and panic attacks as 'something that happens to mom because I'm stressed out'. I don't need to tell them about the pregnancy and abortion; I don't even need to tell them that there were three other affairs with women at work over the years; I just need to tell them how much this #4 terrifies me and leads us to make decisions that we might not otherwise make.
As expected, when H came home tonight he got immediately defensive about telling them anything else. He's absolutely content with them just knowing what they know... that he cheated on me, and sees know reason to tell them how complicated it is and how those complications continue to impact me. This afternoon my trauma therapist told me she thought it was worth revisiting what our kids (really, they're young adults) know and we should discuss this with our MC. I told H tonight I thought we should table this discussion until we see our MC because I know he's going to dismiss any wish of mine that might disclose the extent to which his sick actions have impacted our lives. We see our MC Wednesday night.
Would appreciate hearing any perspectives here that I might not have considered. Please feel free to ask me for any clarifications if you think I'm not wanting to do this for the right reasons.
