SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I first got to si, I was already 15 months from day and 2 months from end of tt. The tt was harder than dday and I have no idea where I would be right now had I not found si. I mean that literally.

The posters were so empathetic. There were only a couple who would comment that I should leave after what he did and they did so it in a way that would make someone feel like an idiot for staying BUT I had made my mind up already on what my desire was for our m and I am not one that is easily swayed. I am rarely talked into anything I don’t believe in.

However, many people are swayed by others easily. When people are in pain and have no idea what to do and where to turn, many are easily led to making decisions that may not be what they want.

Lately, I have seen some posters almost insist that a bs has no other option but to d. There is a thread that basically tells us all that are in r that we are doing the wrong thing and that it’s not possible and we will be sorry in the end.

For people who are new and for people who are not of as strong a mind, they may find this to be their only option.

What I believe we at si should be doing (as op and many others have said) is assisting them make a decision on their own. Supporting them and their pain while they navigate through this hell until they are ready to make a decision.

When I read that it takes 2-5 years to heal, my decision was that I would make no decisions in my m until the 2 years was over-unless I knew in my heart that it was a deal breaker earlier.

My advise to newbies would always be to wait until the initial trauma has eased and then see how they feel. If it’s a deal breaker, they will know, otherwise, if they want to see if e isnpossible, wait and watch.

I know there are a lot of people who want everyone to do what they did. I know there a lot who project their own situation into everyone else but there really is no one shoe that fits all. Ea h person must make their own decisions on how they deal with their own circumstance. Only you know what is best for you. You deal with the cards that you are dealt and we are here to help you by offering yang insight that we have from our own experience and opinions on what we see from what is listed.

I don’t agree that any of us should be telling anyone what they NEED to do. That is not for us.

For our own situations, we need to make decisions that feel right for us and offer support for everyone else even if we don’t think they are making the right choice.

If you think this is bad, check out the (no soliciting). They'll treat you like crap if you don't immediately divorce your spouse for leaving the toilet seat up.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:43 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Chili

You are talking about a group I have sometimes challenged on the JFO forum as the “Burn the Witch Gang”. They have an agenda and that is to ram divorce down everyone’s throat.

I have found several of them posting (sometimes using the same user-names from SI) on other sites where they seem to corroborate their BTW-agenda for posters here on SI.

You are correct.

It's a highly personal and painful journey that varies wildly from human to human.

The one thing I found that applies across the board is that when you know you know. It's as if everything in the universe aligns magically and all your head knowledge drops into your heart and you just know.

No one should pressure themselves to decide ever. It might not be today, tomorrow, next week or even a year out. When you know and it's time you WILL know.

Huh - Burn the Witch Gang. That doesn't have the ring of mob craziness or anything.

Ok - fine. They're all about divorcing a cheater - I get it.

But it's that last bullet point of mine that often goes with it that concerns me the most. The green light to squash anyone in your path. That stuff can actually be dangerous if you get sucked into playing the revenge/hate game (actually playing a game you can't really win and making it a win/lose gain thing that you mentioned).

Some of the suggested actions have long-term consequences for the BS themselves and can cause real damage to innocents. I don't like it.

When I originally posted in JFO, I posted what I knew about the situation and that largely is what WH had told me since he deleted all text records and I hadn't delved into full investigator mode yet. I felt attacked for relaying the only information I knew at the time because most of it came from WH. I almost didn't come back to the site because of some of the responses I received.

smoke: You bring up a great point - that epiphany moment we hope everyone reaches.

Sometimes I think that's when we can provide the most support - when someone has accepted and surrendered to their pathway. They know what they need to do, are working hard to move forward, but of course are still carrying that baggage of pain around with them.

This is a great place to lay out that pain and have a group behind you encouraging and nudging you forward...Or even to give you a view of what it might look like further down that path.

Betrayed spouses who don't know yet what they want to do are treated very badly at (no soliciting). In this forum, it's the so-called "madhatters" who get the worst treatment, in my opinion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:47 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

OP. Proud of you for not scorching the Earth in divorce.

The bitterness, the being stuck in feeling like victim, it is 100% valid. Nobody should ever tell you to feel otherwise.

We gotta get put in that pit, feel it’s sting and make a conscious decision to claw our way out of there, even if it takes forever to get there.

Fighting these things tooth and nail even when you spent swaths or time stuck there is how you win. And I think you’ve won, even if there are truely no winners in infidelity.

A WS can steal your self-confidence, your years, your money, your way of life as you knew it, but the WS never wins until he/she steals your ability to choose compassion for people.

What I do NOT think is within our role is to force R or D down the new BS throat. Help them decide to get out of infidelity, and then outline the two reasonable paths. But let’s not immediately limit the BS options right from day 1.

Such a well written post Chili, Bigger, and everyone else.

When I first came to this site, I was more of a burn the witch type.

After living through R for the past 2 years... almost exactly as of the 7th of this month, I realize that everyone deserves to be able to make up their own minds.

I hate it when the first line of a response is that the OP has no other option but to divorce or leave a WS. That may resonate with some, but will most likely push others away.

Hi chili!

IMO, whoever wrote you a song is awesome.

Nothing further to add.

I did wanna ask how the song goes, Chili...

Ah well silverhopes just for you, I went back to my old posts and found it. I hadn't read it in forever. Totally made me giggle. Written by Mr. jjct in reference to a line from my detaching guide:

someone flirted with me over tomatoes in the grocery store and I wanted to bash his head in…figure that’s a sign I’m not quite there yet.

This made-up country song just popped in my mind after this...think I'll call it "Chili Song"

When I spied her thru the ‘maters,

saw the way she held her taters,

thought I’d be an instigator,

and ask her somewhere

get mah fingers in her hair

and mebbe go there,

didn’t do nothing

I swear!

But then her eyes were flashin

My noggin fears a bashin, this ass o mine a thrashin

When she reached for the corn

I let go of my horn

And fled the vegetable aisle!

T’weren’t no smile

Think I got a mile…

That lady,

She was sumpin!

Tho I barely missed a thumpin,

I’ll remember her there

With her fiery stare,

Still,

From now on?

Think I’m gonna shop

Elsewhere!

Bwahahaha!!! That is an awesome song! There is some real talent on SI.

I miss jjct!

Chili,

I think you hit the nail on the head with this post.

I had a recent thread that ran off the rails (it was ok because ultimately I think everyone ran off the rails together lol) but I started the thread because I believed I was seeing a lot of posts which actually offered no advice, and just smacked of pushing THEIR agenda.

Lately, JFO is chock full of various posters with agendas, in my opinion. And, I think some compassion for all parties involved would go a lot further than “burn the bitch.”

I love your song! I’m so jealous

OLV,

That simply is not true. Sometimes when mad hatters are in denial and simply not being honest, they are held to the same standards as the WS. I'm sorry you feel this is a true statement or you feel this has been your experience.

I am a mad hatter. I have never been treated poorly despite my industrial strength flaming codependency that refused to allow me to see anything at all.

Being a BS is never an excuse to have a revenge affair. On SI affairs of ANY sort are not excused or condoned. If that's what you are looking for, I would suggest you find another site (and be sure to read the guidelines and TOS).

t/j I was trying to come up with a song for Greeneyes. Lack of talent short circuited the effort. Maybe I could post this and others with talent could complete.

There's a member, Greeneyesbluezy

She's a lady, she's a doozy

She extends compassion and much carin'

and sometimes some fuckin' swearin'

She's tolerant and gentle without a hitch

but tolerates not "burn the bitch"

When some are hurting and feeling shame

Greeneyesbluezy helps ease their pain

Okay, that's all I got. I got no more. Sorry Greeneyes. Maybe someone else can do better.

End t/j. Sorry everyone.

steadychevy!

Right on with the song - I think it's glorious. Now greeneyes has her own theme music.

Good stuff right there!