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Home From Deployment to Hell

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k94ever posted 4/14/2018 10:15 AM


Sending you some of SI's famous Mojo to help get you through today.


HouseOfPlane posted 4/14/2018 10:21 AM

She thinks that she has some measure of control in this situation and is trying to get more control. Which means that she's busy coming up with a narrative that makes this more acceptable from her point of view.
This is the heart of it. She has gone from in full control, master of her own universe, to being at the end of the whip. Devotedman speaks wisely.

Understand you have to do what you have to do, but I'd not counsel deception if at all possible. Lies fighting lies. Affairs strip away a lot of bullshit, and now isn't the time for hard truths, when is?

I'd call your FIL and ask him to intervene, tell him that today is about celebrating the successful return of your warriors, those in your charge, and their families who held down the home front while gone, and that she would insult all of them with her presence. It's not about you, it is about them. She needs to stay away for them. Your drama is not their drama. He will come and do the right thing, is my guess.

But...do what you have to do to make sure team gets the homecoming they deserve.

Sending strength!

Cabrona posted 4/14/2018 10:40 AM

The best deception would be to also have her father convey the message to her that if there is going to be any chance of having a conversation about the divorce, she had best not show today, or that door is closed forever,

Cabrona posted 4/14/2018 10:40 AM

double post

[This message edited by Cabrona at 10:45 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 10:42 AM

Itís not deception, if he is appeasing her with a meeting with the Chaplin. Our feeling is more appease her enough to keep her from making a scene.

Call FIL, ask him to make the call. Ask him to come. Ask him to call FIL wife to tell her ask her to put pressure on his WW to stay away. It could be simple statement there is no chance ever if you show up today.

Itís not saying there is a chance it is saying there can never be a chance if you show up. They could reconcile. Do I believe it will happen. No, I do not. If it did I would support that situation but would say the truth. She is never going to be a trustworthy partner. She will be a detriment to your long term thriving. You have thousands of peopleís lives in your hands, do you need that small piece in your head.

This is no game. We all know this. It is called surviving infidelity for a reason, it could be by reconciliation or divorce.

devotedman posted 4/14/2018 10:42 AM

If you cannot avoid confrontation today (or at any time in the future, as well) the thing to remember is that she did not cheat to hurt you. Cheating was something that she thought herself entitled to do on the side and that you'd never find out, being half-a-world away.

The difference is small, but I think important. She didn't wake up one day thinking, "How can I hurt LtCdrLost the most today?" Instead, she woke up thinking "I'm lonely" or "I can't handle the separation" or "He's being deployed on purpose to hurt me" or some equally inane drivel.

For her cheating is a coping mechanism just like your compartmentalization of the knowledge of her A was a coping mechanism. Her coping mechanisms are faulty. She wanted what she wanted and she went for it with little consideration for the fallout. If she thought of it at all she told herself that she'd get through it okay and that you'd forgive and forget. Because that is what people with bad coping mechanisms do.

You and she got M and made vows to each other. To you those vows meant a lot. To her, they didn't. Her own wants and needs trumped the vows. That is her decision, 100%. You had absolutely no say in how she reacted to the separation of deployment. She had 100% control over how she reacted to the separation of deployment.

She could have told you that she didn't understand what the separation of deployment would feel like and she's sorry but she couldn't handle it. She could have talked with you and been Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, and Honest (OATH) in her communication with you. It would have hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but it would have been open, authentic, and honest communications. You two might have even decided to split. It would have been a decision of two parties.

Instead, her coping mechanisms don't work like that. She wanted to be a wife and do un-wifely things as well. And then she decided to do that, and that's 100% on her.

You posted earlier that you now wonder if she cheated during past deployments. This is you trying to come up with a new "personal narrative" of your life. Your "personal narrative" is your personal, internal, story of "how LtCdrLost got to where he is today". Breaking that personal narrative as she did results in intense personal mental and emotional turmoil. Remember those times when you've woken up and not known where you are? Remember the confusion (and possible light panic) when you awake thinking that you're somewhere else? You can usually work out that confusion pretty quickly as you remember how you came to be where you woke up.

Mix in those feelings with the knowledge that your person-who-has-your-back has been actively lying to you, betraying you, and you can begin to understand the frustration and rage that you now feel.

From further down the road than you are right now I can tell you that it doesn't really matter to the "now" whether or not she's cheated before. She's cheated now and that is enough. You might or might not find out with 100% certainty whether or not she's cheated before. None of that matters _now_. She's cheated, you found out, and you're done. That is a perfectly valid response to being betrayed.

It is also perfectly valid of you to want to find out whether she's cheated before. Some people need to know and some don't. Both are valid human reactions to the unknown.

Remember that any engagement with her is feeding into her ego, her need to control the situation. By engaging at all with her you're giving her a chance to spin a yarn, to lie to you to try to control the situation and, by extension, the outcome. Any engagement is to her advantage.

Even if you were to sit down, alone, in a room with her and tell her exactly what you think that's to her advantage. She gets a window into your life, your mindset, and your thoughts about her. She gets ego kibbles from that (ego kibbles are SI shorthand for little feedings of an ego, basically, any attention at all). From her point of view any attention is good attention because she thinks that some day she'll be able to engage you again and try to change your viewpoint.

Your plans to not engage with her, to avoid engagements, and then to move to the other side of the country are good plans. They provide a good means to avoid any engagements that are not legally required during a D.

devotedman posted 4/14/2018 10:54 AM

Re-reading my previous post, I'm using "the separation of deployment" as an example only and didn't make that clear.

To be clear:
Her coping mechanisms are 100% selfish. Lie, cheat, etc. It is what she does and she hides behind those coping mechanisms.

It wouldn't have mattered if you had a desk job somewhere. Something would have happened, some event, and she'd have justified cheating to herself based upon the event.

It all comes down to a choice of coping mechanisms and hers are, self-evidently, inherently "bad". They include lying, cheating, traducing, dissembling, etc. She employs her coping mechanisms for her situation because they're her coping mechanisms, not because of a _specific_ situation.

I hope that I cleared that up a bit. Long story short, it would have happened regardless, some time, some where.

StillStanding1 posted 4/14/2018 11:03 AM

Fabulous post by devotedman. Totally agree.

You have the support of your virtual SI community standing with you in spirt today. I hope your FIL is on his way and will step in to handle her.

My heart is with you today. You are such a fine man. Best of luck. This will be tough.

fareast posted 4/14/2018 11:05 AM

Strength to you today Commander. While we are all concerned with avoiding the side show your WW may provide at this event, Iím sure your main focus is with honoring the men and women returning home and their loyal families. As long as you continue that focus (and I am sure you will) you will be fine. Your discipline to focus on what is important is a great asset. Good luck.

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 11:06 AM

Her sense of shame is magnified by your proven embrace of honor, responsibility and commitment.

It would be a form of self flagellation is she appears at the event, which openly celebrates the values she desecrated.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 11:09 AM

House, the deception I have in mind is no more than not dropping the hammer on her in a venue where her resulting likely reaction reflects badly upon me with Flag(s) present. Deception by omission if you will.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 11:13 AM

I'll be out of pocket for awhile, folks. I'm marching on with my TG in 90 minutes, I need to be with them now. The situation with stbxw and her parents is in flux at this time, but I'm hopeful that FIL will be a calming influence... Tally ho.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:13 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

Freeme posted 4/14/2018 11:14 AM

Another good line to use is "I'm sorry you feel that way." It neither provokes or leads to more questions.

Really, she should be feeling really uncomfortable at this event. You stated earlier that you first heard about the cheating via the "wives grapevine" I'm fairly certain that word has gotten around. She isn't going to be getting warm welcoming hugs from anyone and will receive quite a few mean glares.

Hope her father gets a hold of her and talks some sense into her. Very surprised the used the "it's not what you think" lines... knowing that you have at least one recording of her and OM.

Could also be hoping to use this "meeting" to convince you not to throw the book at OM.

Good luck.

Wool94 posted 4/14/2018 12:00 PM

I'm praying for you today.

Shockedmom posted 4/14/2018 12:21 PM

Sending a joyous Welcome Home to your group and their families. I wish yours had been the same.

Hopefully your FIL was able to halt your WW from interfering with todayís celebration. Please take some time to absorb the love you witness today.

TimelessLoss posted 4/14/2018 12:28 PM

Your MIL was going to her daughter last afternoon/evening. Presumably she is there now. The text message could have come before her mother's arrival. I'd like to think that her mother would counsel her not to attend.

Your CO and fellow officers have your back. They will mount an extraction if necessary.

You saw one page from the cheater's playbook with the standard denial and minimizing.

I expect that your MIL and FIL will now start to intercede on their daughter's behalf. The three of them will be together this weekend. You are in a vulnerable emotional state. Her parents will act in what they perceive to be their daughter's best interests. And that is to remain married to you.

Practice the phrases:
"I'm sorry you see it that way"
"That isn't possible"
"I don't share your view"
"I have to go now"
"No, that will not work for me"
"I ask that you go and tend to your daughter"

Never engage in defending your actions. Instead say, "I am acting in my best interests".

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 13:06 PM

Also, don't be surprised if one of the parents ask you to re-consider the divorce.

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 13:36 PM

I have to be honest if it were my daughter I would probably ask too.

RockstarDad posted 4/14/2018 13:47 PM

Your doing great. Keep it up and hold your head high.

Prepare to go through the grieving process. Like you said your wife died, I used the same phrase. Mourn the loss of who you thought she was, keep the good memories, know this was 100% on her.

When you feel emasculated remember what you have done in your life. Your the man. I would talk to the mirror quite a bit telling myself all the outatanding things I have done. I would also use the mirror whem I felt like talking to her. It sounds dumb but it helps.get it out. She and the OM are the screwed up ones, not you. You have higher standards and should be proud of that. Your eliminating the idiots from your life.

You've been dealing with this for a while. Know that there are a ton of good women out there that would cut off there left hand to meet a guy like you. You have a wonderful future ahead of you and will find someone worthy to share it with. It may take a bit but were going to get there no need to rush it or worry about it, it's gonna happen. Enjoy yourself. Do whatever hobbies or activities make you happy. You have a lot of freedom to do what you want, when you want, use it.

And again, don't put any value in anyth ing she says. She will lie about the sun going down in the middle of the day. She likely even believes some of the lies cause she has been telling herself over and over. Do not feel the need to comfort her or help her. Pass anything on to her family if she makes depressed or suicidal comments. All your obligations left when she decided to go outside the marriage.

Keep conducting yourself like a gentlemen and never look back with regret about how you handled yourself. It's going to be better than ok someday, life will get awesome again.

RockstarDad posted 4/14/2018 13:59 PM

As for the cuckholding comment, I too felt this way but a cuckold let's it happen and enjoys watching. We don't. We let them know it isn't fucking acceptable behavior and get the fuck out of it. It's her circus you got nothing to do with it.

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