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Home From Deployment to Hell

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Dismayed2012 posted 4/14/2018 15:32 PM

What a shit storm LtCdr. Hoping you stay strong. You mentioned "I'm wondering if she has successfully deceived me in the past." The answer is likely, yes. Affairs like hers sometimes blossom from previous deceptions. And you can be sure that she's not the first for the OM. He's no doubt been deceiving his wife for a long time. Keep taking care of yourself and don't believe a word your WW says. She's shown you who and what she is, don't forget it. If she's talking, she's lying.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/14/2018 16:37 PM

"I'm wondering if she has successfully deceived me in the past."

I think there is a lot more for you to learn about her behaviour when you were deployed.
Most speeders, bank robbers, or tax evaders usually don't get caught the first, second, third, etc time they do it, wayward cheaters most likely have a few affairs under their belt when caught.
This time she probably got a little to confident and wasn't as sneaky as she was in her earlier affairs.

Hang in there my friend.

PS. Xmas Eve AND Xmas Day? Seriously!?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:38 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

TimSC posted 4/14/2018 16:56 PM


Getting catching a wayward on the first infidelity is common. Usually there were at least inappropriate communication with someone in the past before they jump into an affair totally.

My first thought was - how stupid is this woman bringing the AP into her own home with a retired Navy officer across the road. Did she think she could do this and no one would notice?

Next thought was that she has done this before and didn't get caught.

Good luck on the west coast. Learn to surf if you don't already know how.

PricklePatch posted 4/14/2018 16:58 PM

Honestly, I donít think you should go down that rabbit hole of past affairs. It is just not worth it. Work that out with your Chaplin.

Do you care why she made these horrible choices? We know cheaters believe it is their spouses fault or your deployments. The truth is they are broken.

This was a dealbreaker for you. What value could it give you. Itís clear it was as if she was on a high. As Devotedman said it was a coping mechanism for her.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 18:11 PM

The past several hours actually went better than I expected.
Stbxw showed up with both parents, as soon as there was an opportunity FIL walked over to me where I was standing with my CO, the group CO, and a few others.
This conversation occurred at 1730, this account is coming from memory. I did not have a VAR on my person during the afternoon. I will tonight.
"Mr. ******, may I have a word with you?"
(The two men with ultimate influence over my immediate future looked at me somewhat quizzically, I then politely excused myself from my direct Chain of Command & we walked a few yards away)
What's on your mind, sir?
"C says she just HAS to talk to you."
Sir, we have nothing to talk about. Why are you here?
"She's still your wife. (for now, I thought) J, Don't you think 14 years entitles her to that?" (I'm incredulous at that. Literally fucking speechless. BTW, it's not 14 years until June but that's not my response)
Sir, 13 years didn't entitle me to a faithful wife, why don't you, C, and M (MIL) just leave. Please. Just go.
"Son, she's a wreck."
I'll bet. She got caught. You & M should stay with her or take her home to ****. She probably needs you right now.
"Will you speak to her? I'm asking as a personal favor to me."
(I just put the DS look on him until he looked at the ground)
Sir, here's what I'll do. One officer to another. Leave now. Right now. I'll call you within two hours and we'll meet somewhere agreeable to us all. You and M need to be there. I'm not meeting with C alone under any circumstances, and please convey to C that we won't be sitting down in the house where we used to live. Now or ever. I'm never walking through the door of that fucking den of iniquity again. For any reason. Is all that acceptable to you?
Any questions?
"I guess not."
Alright. You have my word, sir. Now keep your side of this and take C off this base right now.
"I'll expect your call, J."
I'll call. I gave my word. (unsaid: and I keep my word, unlike the whore you raised)

That is where it stands as of now. I need to make that call and follow through. I'm not going to deceive my stbxFIL but this is not what I wanted.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 1:32 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 18:13 PM

Also, I received a new piece of chest candy. Hurray for me...

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 18:24 PM

You handled it well, and there was no surprise that her paremts tried to intervene.

But the nerve of the FIL about what you owe the marriage? He should be ashamed.

Your wife is fucked (no pun intended), and she and her parents know it.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 6:28 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 4/14/2018 18:25 PM

You handled that like a boss - confident, polite, in control.

My hat's off to you, tough circumstances that could have went sideways all sorts of ugly ways. You just steamed right through that.

xhz700 posted 4/14/2018 18:28 PM

Gosh, that poor thing. She must really be struggling. I'll bet she was really struggling a few weeks ago. Where was daddy then?

Good on you for not allowing yourself to be influenced by your FIL. I can't imagine what it might be like to find something like that out about your daughter, and he's right to stick by her, but what a mess.

Keep in mind that the ONLY reasons that she has to say anything to you is going to be to spin some excuse, or to try to convince you to give her another chance, or convince you that what you know is wrong (though if her parents shared their audio experience with her, that's unlikely).

If you prepare yourself for that, you should be just fine. If you are certain that this is a relationship ender for you, then there's no harm in listening. No matter what happens, keep your dignity intact.

Cromer posted 4/14/2018 18:29 PM

Been thinking about you today. You handled things with grace and discipline. I had a lot of homecomings and the part I looked forward to most of all was seeing the XWW. I wished then that I'd known what a cheating whore she was, you definitely have people looking out for you. Congrats on the medal! Keep on staying strong, you will get this behind you. Enjoy SD!

[This message edited by Cromer at 6:30 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

hopeandhealing posted 4/14/2018 18:31 PM


I am so glad it went better than expected and commend you for your assertive communication and clear boundaries. You have followed your plan and are in control of getting out of infidelity, congratulations. Again, I am truly sorry you were put here in the first place.

I am a bit worried for your conversation tonight, as it will be your WW and your in laws, all of whom I rather expect hope for some glimmer of hope to be bestowed upon them. It might be useful for you to set some boundaries with the in laws that this is a conversation you are having with your WW in their presence, but it is not a 3:1 dialogue.

Congratulations on the new "chest candy". I feel you have many good things coming your way in time, when healed from the shit storm your WW has given you.

LtCdrLost posted 4/14/2018 18:31 PM

that poor thing. She must really be struggling.

Ha ha... Yep. And I'll bet there's no comfort to be had from the bastard she defiled our marriage with.

fareast posted 4/14/2018 18:37 PM

Congratulations on the new chest candy. You handled that very well. No one on one conversations with WW and a scene avoided. Her parents, especially her dad, being military,should have known better than to bring her to this event in her current state. They are enablers in my mind, but that may be unfair of me to say given that their daughter is in turmoil. However, I think their actions were very unfair to you and put you in a terrible spot.

You do know that talking with the three of them will do nothing for you. It will only give your WW a platform to wail and sob about how much she loves you and is sorry. I know you will follow through on your commitment, have a VAR on, and detach and do not engage her as much as possible. I am so sorry you are going through this, but tomorrow and the day after, and the day after will be better.

MidnightRun posted 4/14/2018 18:37 PM

Silently listen to all three, then leave. You've then kept your word.

Congratulations on the chest candy. Many more to come.

xhz700 posted 4/14/2018 18:39 PM

Ha ha... Yep. And I'll bet there's no comfort to be had from the bastard she defiled our marriage with.

That's the trick with infidelity. When you strip away all of the emotions, it's really just about being selfish. She wanted everything, had it, not she's out all of it.

Adding the emotions back in, it's really such a profoundly sad thing. No one deserves the kind of shame that she's carrying. Guilt, sure, but not shame.

Above it all, I want you to remember something that I have been trying to come to terms with myself. Your wife is a human being. She's not a lost cause. If you want to divorce her because of this, no one will blame you, but don't treat her like something subhuman.

I am not a military guy, more hippy geek than anything, and I have seen too much damage due to shame. These forums have seen a lot of suicide talk, attempts and a success recently.

Take care of yourself, please, but don't punish her. She will get enough of that from herself.

RockstarDad posted 4/14/2018 18:39 PM

You did what you did out of decency and loyalty to your (stbx)FIL. I get it and it was honorable. Now you got to meet with her. Think of a place you are comfortable but don't ever want to go again (cause it will remind u in the future). Set boundaries you are comfortable with. I'm thinking a time limit a number of questions...something.

Good or bad (but not indifferent) I think she wants your emotional response. She will likely either 1) Lie or 2) if her parents already called her out on the affair, offer excuse or blameshift. You got a great post earlier on how to respond with short answers.

I think you can either engage in a two way conversation for your own closure (and likely get little closure or real reasons why, cause she don't know why she did it yet (If she ever will) and will have to give you the excuses she made up in her mind) or you try and cut it short, give her very little emotion or closure and let her groove on it. Again I doubt she knows little truth in her own mind so as to having the conversation, I get it, I had mine, and it was hurtful and full of B'S.

M1965 posted 4/14/2018 18:40 PM

That is where it stands as of now. I need to make that call and follow through. I'm not going to deceive my stbxFIL but this is not what I wanted.


You are well within your rights to tell your stbxFIL that you have re-thought your position, and that you are no longer prepared to meet with your wife. If that is not something you want, that takes precedence over anything your WW, or your FIL, want.

I know it is not 'nice' to be like that, but I really think you should assert 100% control over this, and not allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated or blackmailed by your WW or her parents. You are a decent and honorable man, but you must not let anyone take advantage of that, and use it to get you to do a single thing that you do not want to do.

The entitlement thing...My hat is off to you for holding it together when your FIL said that. It was a monumentally provocative and arguably stupid thing to say, but I guess your FIL is caught in between you. Whatever your WW may be, she will always be his daughter.

Alternatively, if you do intend to meet with the three of them, is there a witness you can take with you, or maybe even a couple. That would help to off-set you being outnumbered, and having all three of them trying to manipulate you. Having others there with you will help to temper their behaviour, even if your companions do not intervene. Could the PI who busted the affair go with you, and hold a VAR up, to make a show of recording everything? My thinking there is to do it to temper the behaviour of your stbxWW, and her parents.

Congratulations on the award. You certainly deserve one!


If it fits in with your plans, why not inform all three that this is the last face-to-face meeting there is going to be, and that all future communication is going to be done via your respective lawyers? That shuts down any further attempts to push you into meetings that you do not want.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:51 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

SCARLETT94 posted 4/14/2018 18:45 PM

I agree with 1985.
You are allowed to change your mind.
If you really don't want to talk to her just tell him it's in your best interest to not meet.

Unfortunately her actions have made it so you no longer owe her or her parents anything.

How sad.

TimelessLoss posted 4/14/2018 18:47 PM


That was good that you showed detachment from him and were strong in your responses. BTW, as you pointed out, you don't "owe" her anything. In my view after the next meeting you don't owe them anything else. This contact can be a slippery slope. I expect a full on emotional ambush of sorts from them.

Booyah posted 4/14/2018 18:51 PM

This is just my opinion.

You said you would talk to her.

Call your FIL, and ask him to put your WW on the phone, listen to what she has to say, and than say "it's not going to change anything and from here on out anything you have to say can be conveyed to my attorney".

You're damn straight she's "a wreck".

NOTHING good will come from meeting with her right now.

Your WW at no point since Sept conveyed to you that she was unhappy or that things in the marriage weren't working. She NEVER honored your vows and bringing another man in to your home and bed multiple times for the neighbors to see was the ultimate display of disrespect.

You owe her NOTHING!!!

Let her say what she has to say on the phone and than hit the eject button.

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