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Home From Deployment to Hell

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heartbroken_kk posted 4/15/2018 00:47 AM

I'm in late to this thread. I'm so sorry she has put you through this hell, and I'm glad that this phase is behind you now.

I definitely encourage you to avail yourself of the counseling services offered. There is no shortcut through the healing process, although I admire how strategic and decisive you have been to get to here.

The path forward will be different. You've executed the plan for dealing with HER. Now, you get to tie up a few loose ends in the legal department, get your divorce and she will henceforth be out of the picture.

But unfortunately, your heart has to heal and that means that your focus will go from outward to inward. Next steps to a healthy future are necessarily focused on YOU.

It is rough. Your healing is an emotional journey that may be very hard to navigate using the skills you have, such as processing information, making decisions, executing plans.

Instead, you've got this very wounded heart and a head full of feelings that have nothing to do with logic or thinking. Your lizard brain, down in the low center of your skull, combined with a bunch of very whimsical glands that are prone to release stress hormones at totally random triggers, are going to occasionally be fully in charge of what is going through your head.

Seek medical and psychological support. You may be prepared for this but its also entirely possible that you are not. The science on healing from this kind of trauma has advanced a lot and there are many practitioners that can help you get back to a place of peace, and thriving, and do it sooner than later. Allow yourself to be treated.

Be kind to yourself. Go ahead and cry. Work out but don't injure yourself. Rest. Seek company with friends, even if you don't talk about this. Cry again. Give yourself permission to let it out. Tear ducts and sobbing are to sweat glands and grunting. They go together. You came equipped with them for a reason. Let them serve their purpose.

It's a roller coaster, healing from infidelity. The long free fall into the pit is near the bottom. You will be rising soon. Breathe. There are more dips and ups and curves ahead. But the ride will eventually end, and if you take good care of you while you are getting thrown around the cart you'll come out intact.

squid posted 4/15/2018 00:52 AM

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this shit, man. But you're doing great. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But acting decisively assures you that you won't spend one second longer in infidelity than you have to.

Your mind's going to fuck with you really hard in the coming days. But I have every confidence that you'll pull through. Continue to conduct yourself in the manner that you have thus far and you'll come out with a reputation that exceeds the one that you've already exhibited.

Onward and upward.

devotedman posted 4/15/2018 01:03 AM

I'm sorry that they put you through this, and I'm pretty sure that it was all her lying and minimizing to her folks that got him to intercede on her behalf.

it isn't what it looks like

This is gaslighting. Where they try to convince you that what you know, have seen or otherwise experienced, is false. It is a common cheater tactic. If they can get you mixed up then you're in a weaker position, mentally.

it only happened once

This is minimizing their behavior. As if once isn't enough, or as if "only once" has some special, magic, power that makes it less bad or even all okay.

it was a mistake

This is just insulting to your intelligence, and technically minimizing. A mistake is forgetting the milk at the store. This was the culmination of a long series of choices to cross multiple boundaries.

just let her make this up to me

Right. If you ever have to reply to this just ask how you could be competent while deployed if you're having to spend every waking moment worrying about the knife that she's getting ready to stab you with back home.

she has never stopped loving me

Around here it is recognized that "love is an action." Romantic love is a feeling, but love itself is an action, or series of actions, that show your commitment.

how could I just walk away

Consequences are foreign to her. So she's trying blameshifting of ending the marriage from her to you.

etc etc

LtCdrLost, I'm truly sorry that you had to go through this. Now that all of the preparation has finally been executed and you get to relax a while do be gentle and kind to yourself.

There's a thing called The Emotional Rollercoaster. You've likely been on it already and you had another taste of it when you were in your house the other day. Your emotions will seem to veer wildly and crazily about. This is a normal reaction to the whole shit-show. It isn't any fun, but it is perfectly normal.

Have a good night's sleep. You deserve it.

eta: removed an unintended word

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:13 AM, April 15th, 2018 (Sunday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/15/2018 01:17 AM

"She started hyper-ventilating."

There's something about the hard, cold truth: It brings a scheming liar to her knees.

I wonder what dad thinks of his daughter now.

Carry on, sailor. A wonderful life awaits you.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 1:24 AM, April 15th (Sunday)]

StillStanding1 posted 4/15/2018 01:26 AM

Youíve survived an incredible few days and handled it all with strength and honor. I truly hope you sleep well tonight. Boy do you deserve it.

twisted posted 4/15/2018 01:42 AM

LC, congrats on the award and getting through this milestone. Lots of work ahead to get your head around. One step at a time.
I feel for the inlaws. I can't blame the FIL for trying, thats his job, and it had to be difficult, and the one can only imagine the disappointment he must have after the meeting. No doubt he has even more respect for you now, after seeing the facts and the way you have dealt with this.
I know we have, if I may speak for all of his here.
Good luck.

twisted posted 4/15/2018 01:42 AM

dbl post

[This message edited by twisted at 9:10 AM, April 16th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/15/2018 01:42 AM

I'd like to be a fly on the wall when--or if--the two cheaters cross paths.

She threw her life away for a fuckfest with a loser. Ouch.

OneInTheSame posted 4/15/2018 02:58 AM

First I want to congratulate you on the new chest bling. Amidst the strain of the event, at least that, eh?

Second, I admire your cool. It will serve you well.

Sounds like you went through all the Grief stages before getting back home and are now at Acceptance and ready to move on to a new life without her.

I think it is wise to anticipate that GRIEF may be an intermittent visitor as you continue to process this tsunami that has hit your life. Each of us handles this thing in a highly individual manner . . . but do know this: if tears flow it is a sign of your strength embracing your pain, and washing it with the love in your heart for what is good and right and true.

Thank you all for extending yourselves to me during the worst days I've ever experienced which did not involve hostile fire. I know there's still a path to be traveled but it sure seems like something big was passed today & yesterday.

(((LtCdrLost))) For too many of us, SI was our safety net, our soft place to land, after discovering infidelity. It was our oxygen tank and our close friend telling us to keep breathing. The care and love that were expressed when we first logged on to tell our stories became the armor to protect us from self-destructing, having faced a foe that is impossible to train for. I have never experienced ambush, but several good soldiers have since told me the story of the day they watched my brother's tank hit a land mine. I can only guess that is the closest thing I have experienced to war -- the uniforms at the door of my childhood home, that sanctuary in which my parents did all they could to keep us safe, which had now been breached with the worst kind of news. The crater where my heart had been.

And yes, my d-day had a similar feel to it, as I am sure yours did as well. Today it sounds as if you passed through the flames, but they did not consume you. The road ahead is neither straight nor level, but it is the only way through. I pray you are sleeping well tonight . . . for tomorrow brings another challenge through more unfamiliar territory. You catch your rest where and when you can.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/15/2018 06:36 AM

Good job LtCdr, and I hope that none of the 3 ever attempt to contact you again.

She was obviously lying to her parents about what happened. Now they know the truth, or at least enough of it to know that she hasn't told them the extent of things.

Best wishes for your future path, but for now just enjoy the break and your friends. True friends who do not desert you the moment you turn your back.

k94ever posted 4/15/2018 06:37 AM

LtC, I am sorry you had to go through that, but you got closure.

This is just so sad.


still-living posted 4/15/2018 07:28 AM


Thank you for your service.

I hope the OM gets what he deserves.

As for your stbxw, cheating on a deployed a military spouse should be a federal crime.


TimelessLoss posted 4/15/2018 08:35 AM

Well played, from the seating, to the selective use of the evidence, to leaving no doubt about the end of the M.

If only the stages of grief were linear. You could then mark progress by the completion of one stage with knowledge of the next stage to come. But they aren't linear. They loop back and forth, randomly, based on triggering events, people, places, things.

Please don't compartmentalize this and stuff it down. This shit rumbles around in your brain. Talking to someone gets it out of your brain. Talking to others is a safety valve of sorts. Find your own best way to process this. You have a good start in the sense that you remained true to yourself at all stages.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/15/2018 08:39 AM

Sorry your FIL couldn't keep her away, but blood is thicker than water, and it sounds like you put it to use. Ideally your stbxw would eventually come to the realization that it was over, and the meeting gave you a chance to accelerate that process. Good for everybody. Thirteen years is a long time, with plenty of unwinding to do of your lives. Acceptance will grease the process.

As long as it wasn't a Purple Heart, I'm glad to hear about the award.

I remember in AOCS watching all of the guys who had DOR'd having to stick around until they were let go, and wondering how many of them bailed in a moment of weakness (some for sure realized they were just not meant to be there). I wonder what they thought of themselves then, given that glimpse inside their soul, and now wonder if that moment carried through into their lives as a positive lesson or a bitter thing. I feel like your stbxw is at such a moment.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/15/2018 08:53 AM

Ditto what 'still-living' said, "...cheating on a deployed a military spouse should be a federal crime."

I've seen this too many times to be sympathetic toward the military betrayers in any way. And it pisses me off even more that these scumbags, male and female cheaters, get away with it so often.

Cheers to you LtCdr. I'm sorry about your situation but at the same time I'm glad that you're not in the dark any more. You have a great future ahead of you. You also now have insight into an area that is not well enough understood. You have been given the knowledge and forum to help the people in your command who are and will be going through this same circumstance. You can help them get through it on a personal level that we on this remote site can't. I hope for great success to you in all of your future endeavors.

RockstarDad posted 4/15/2018 08:57 AM

Well played. She tried to BS you and you had none of it. You put it on your terms as best you could. He was being a good FIL and hard to blame him. She is a wayward wife and acted as such. Even though you want nothing to do with her remember that if you ever were deployed again, the he'll you would go through leaving and knowing what she is capable of. You don't want this I know, but when your alone and think what if I stayed with her know that you wouldn't ever trust her and the hurt it would cause. You deserve better and someday will be with someone loyal who you can trust and blows your mind with how awesome they are.

Now you have to navigate separation of assets in the divorce. You can have the lawyer do everything, work through a third party such as FIL, or deal with her yourself. I don't know what you got on the line, I would choose wisely but I think the farther removed you are the better.

You played the hand you were dealt very well. Now prepare for the rollercoaster ride. Set up counseling. Yes you can handle it without it, but it will speed up the healing process. If you broke your arm you wouldn't think twice about seeing a doctor. This fractured your inner soul. You can blindly trust it set itself properly and will heal or you can get it xrayed and casted and be sure. Be sure and proactive. The less time you lose to this before your healed the better. Don't give her one more minute of your thoughts than you have to. Confront it head on. Talking helps don't keep it bottled up. Release it and get it out for good. Talk until you are so over it that it's just a distant memory. You got this.

Unhinged posted 4/15/2018 09:08 AM


I don't have much to say this morning, but thought I'd offer up some good old fashioned bro-hugs and a few pats on the back.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/15/2018 09:33 AM

On SI I have learned NC (No Contact)= no new hurts, we only have to process the current hurts.
Itís true. Stay as far away from her as possible and have your atty handle everything. If her family contacts you, tell them to respect you enough to give you space and freedom. Then donít talk to them again.

Also I learned on SI, time heals, but itís what you do with the time. Get all the help you can, as your healing with be quicker.

Whatís broken in her is a deep root. Itís all on her.

tooanalytical posted 4/15/2018 09:39 AM

God has a plan and works all things together for good - although the purpose may not be visible now.

You have been given the knowledge
(wisdom through experience)
and forum to help the people in your command who are and will be going through this same circumstance. You can help them get through it on a personal level that we on this remote site can't.

Volunteering and helping others is one of the fastest ways to heal from this.

BetrayedAgain3 posted 4/15/2018 10:23 AM


Iím so sorry youíre going through all this. You have a good head on your shoulders and that helps. But the pain of betrayal runs deep. I hope youíll get some help for yourself when the dust settles.

I kinda envy you that you were able to substantiate the details. The details are what kill me daily. I donít have proof, just knowledge.

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