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General :
Home From Deployment to Hell

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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

I wonder how many of us Betrayed Spouses are reading this thread thinking,

“Man. I wish I had been in the Navy when my shit hit the fan”

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1656   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8142975
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Jduff ( member #41988) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

My quiver is empty.

Just curious, LtCdrLost, is there any assistance that can\will be given to the OBS while POSOM is in every true sense of the word being emasculated through the court martial process? The consequences are of his making but I'm just wondering if his wife and kids can be shielded from it somewhat other than her filing for D.

The grass is always greener.... where the dogs are shitting.

-Soundgarden

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2014   ·   location: Southwest
id 8142976
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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 10:05 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Damn,

I had just mentioned that the 'stud' will likely act like a coward and wimp.

He did just that.

He fucked your wife and, in turn, got fucked. Who's the man now?

posts: 1562   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017   ·   location: CT
id 8142978
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OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

OK, the rabbit hole I'm going down right now is "What could I have done differently to prevent "A" from straying?" I know, I know... Probably nothing. But where I'm at specifically is A: What if one or both her miscarried babies had successfully carried to term, or B: What if I had pressed harder to keep trying & there were one or more children in the house? Would that have kept her legs closed? I can't know that, can I?

I know others have commented on this. This kind of "what if" thinking is such a normal part of processing grief: people do this all the time when they lose a loved one. And I did it upon my d-day. I was actively pushing my wife out the door to become more active and make some new friends, as my health had greatly impacted our social life and our love of outdoor activity. So I quickly fell down the "what if" rabbit hole thinking "What if I had never become ill (with an auto-immune conditions all my doctors said I did not cause!)" and "What if I hadn't pushed her to get out without me?" When we got legally married (after 15 years together) we wrote our own vows: I even wondered if she may have cheated because we didn't include "and forsaking all others." I mean, after 15 years, did that have to be said? I have spent countless hours wondering if married folks should constantly be reminding one another about loyalty and fidelity. This kind of thinking is just not helpful . . .

Short of buying a new phone, see if you can block her number for all types of contact. Same with her folks, if necessary. I like knowing if OW tries my wife's number, she will hear this:

Welcome to Verizon Wireless. We're sorry the number you have dialed has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your call.

Strength and peace to you as you embark on a rough ride.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8142979
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Cabrona ( member #9596) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Stupid is, as stupid does. That being said,we really don’t know who pursued who... was the affair so blatant because they were both such naive novices? Was he an arrogant player? Had she gotten away with it on a smaller level on other deployments?

You will never really know, and the truth is it doesn’t matter, you just need to let it go, because it has nothing to do with your future, and for that you need some HD Oakley polarized lenses 😎

"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." —Bob Marley

posts: 626   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2006   ·   location: Caribbean
id 8142984
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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Crybaby.

Damn shame.

posts: 1562   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017   ·   location: CT
id 8142989
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RockstarDad ( member #62075) posted at 10:24 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Whose emasculated now! Ha.

I never looked at surviving infidelity as a win/lose proposition. You never get to unlive the pain. But the way you handled this and the short term and long term effects too the betrayers makes this as close to a win as you are going to get.

Now process it appropriately with help from a professioinal or chaplain and get to your happy place again and stay there. When you get there you will have your true victory. This was the battle that is the war.

I gave her 7 years of everything I had. I will not give her one day more.
Me BH 36 Her WW 33 OM 27
She moved in two days later with the OM directly across the street... Divorced. Onward!

posts: 417   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2018
id 8142994
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 10:29 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Petty Officer that's not how this works

DUMBSHIT!!!!

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8533   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8142997
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Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

A) Cried as the charges were read to him, B) Told the CO & CMC that he'd plead guilty if he could request Mast (Article 15, non-judicial punishment), and C) Had a small meltdown when the Skipper told him "Petty Officer that's not how this works.

Lol, he’s a manly man. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes...

posts: 801   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8143006
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heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 10:47 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

I'm sure you realize that the OBS's problems are not your responsibility. I urge you not to intervene on her behalf other than perhaps, to briefly express condolences for the pain she must be in.

Please don't in any way suggest to anyone that somehow you had any control before, or have any control after, her POSWS's actions or consequences.

There is nothing to be gained for anyone by you being a good guy to her.

We who were betrayed have to take control of our own healing. Her healing is her row to hoe, not yours.

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8143012
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 10:56 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Petty Officer that's not how this works

Lordy...nothing a sailor does surprises me any more.

Google on Admiral Stufflebeem, LCL. Stupidity occurs at all ranks. I wonder if someone told him, Admiral that's not how this works

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3375   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8143019
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NoOptTo ( member #62958) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Like to say you should be proud of yourself with how you have handled this entire debacle. You have been given so much wonderful advise. Only thing I'd like to add is you said that your family phone plan is ending. End it. Let her phone go dead like she is to you. You do not need to change your phone number. Just block hers after sending her a final text stating that all communications will be through legal counsel, period. Anymore contact will be met with a restraining order.

I wish luck with the more difficult part of dealing with infidelity. Stay active, seek support. N know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

posts: 642   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2018   ·   location: New York
id 8143021
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twisted ( member #8873) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Petty Officer that's not how this works

OK, that brought a chuckle.

And to think I had to chase my OM around town with a baseball bat. Never did catch him, I wasn't about to bounce over those curbs and tear up my truck like he did.

This was after I informed her of what I had found out as gently as I could. She had suspected something was going on, but I thought she took it quite calmly. I found out later she met him in the driveway with a loaded 9mm. Couldn't figure out the safety so she started beating on the window with it until her father took it away.

They got divorced and he had a massive heart attack, (still alive though).

The moral of the story is sometimes karma drives a big truck, and the best thing you can do is to get the hell out of the way.

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

posts: 4023   ·   registered: Nov. 18th, 2005   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 8143032
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Cabrona ( member #9596) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

You know it only seems fair to me that OBS should be able to sue “A” in civil courts for upcoming legal fees, present and future, also loss of income and promotions from husbands stupid ass affair. Nicht wahr?

"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." —Bob Marley

posts: 626   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2006   ·   location: Caribbean
id 8143034
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Cabrona ( member #9596) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Ipad posting redundancy. 🤬

[This message edited by Cabrona at 5:15 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

"The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you... you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." —Bob Marley

posts: 626   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2006   ·   location: Caribbean
id 8143035
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TimSC ( member #58844) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Don't start with the "what if" game. It will drive you crazy and keep you from detaching from her, which you must do to heal yourself.

Your goal should now be indifference.

In time you will not care what she is doing.

If someone comes to you with gossip about her, your answer will be "Dont know, don't care".

posts: 396   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2017   ·   location: SE USA
id 8143041
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latebloomer45 ( member #18021) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Also, for those interested, the POS who enjoyed my wife and her comfort for six months is not much enjoying life right now. I have no idea what his wife is doing about his extra-marital activities, but the charge sheet was read & presented in his CO's office earlier this morning. He's currently charged under Article 134 with the sheet in an open status pending the JAG investigation. He now knows he's officially fucked.

To paraphrase someone's old tag line on here: "Was the fucking you got worth the fucking you're getting?"

I love when justice is served.

Me: BS 56
Him: FWS 58
Married 32 years
Son-26 Daughter (Who Came out as trans, so now Son)-23,
D-Day #1 12/11/2007
D-Day #2 5/23/2008 fucking trickle truth!
Whatever Threnody said, I concur.

posts: 4697   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 8143044
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 11:18 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

"Unless you consent to a Summary Court Martial..."

Oh sh*t! You can overcome an Article 15 but a SCM stays on your record forever and they have an open and shut case. His career is toast at minimum. I wouldn't want to be him right now. #castrated.

He could have avoided all of this if he'd just kept his dick in his pants and hadn't been f**king somebody else's wife. #idiot

Avoid contact with everyone involved until after all proceedings are signed off on, finalized, filed, and the dust has settled. The wheels are in motion and sh*t is slinging. Don't let any of it get on you or even near you. Just stay far far away from all of it.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 5:22 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8143046
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MidnightRun ( member #59434) posted at 11:32 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Because she's hellbent on getting you back, your wife probably doesn't fully appreciate the collateral damage the affair has caused. Loverboy--and, by extension, his family--is fucked; her parents are probably deeply embarrassed and baffled.

posts: 1562   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017   ·   location: CT
id 8143055
smile1

PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 11:47 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

No contact with his wife is needed. You gave her evidence.

You are not responsible for the fallout from the affair.

The fallout is all on your STBX and her POSOM. I read the military article and the punishment. Anyone with a brain knows it is heinous to commit adultery. He knew you were deployed and your job did it anyways. He also knew he was responsible financially for his wife and young children. He did it anyway.

Your STBXW knows you and knows the code. She isn’t stupid.

Seems like she was pretty blatant with her behavior.

Do not contact his wife. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

BS Fwh

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8143072
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