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Home From Deployment to Hell

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ramius posted 4/16/2018 16:01 PM

I wonder how many of us Betrayed Spouses are reading this thread thinking,

“Man. I wish I had been in the Navy when my shit hit the fan”

Jduff posted 4/16/2018 16:02 PM

My quiver is empty.

Just curious, LtCdrLost, is there any assistance that can\will be given to the OBS while POSOM is in every true sense of the word being emasculated through the court martial process? The consequences are of his making but I'm just wondering if his wife and kids can be shielded from it somewhat other than her filing for D.

MidnightRun posted 4/16/2018 16:05 PM


I had just mentioned that the 'stud' will likely act like a coward and wimp.

He did just that.

He fucked your wife and, in turn, got fucked. Who's the man now?

OneInTheSame posted 4/16/2018 16:06 PM

OK, the rabbit hole I'm going down right now is "What could I have done differently to prevent "A" from straying?" I know, I know... Probably nothing. But where I'm at specifically is A: What if one or both her miscarried babies had successfully carried to term, or B: What if I had pressed harder to keep trying & there were one or more children in the house? Would that have kept her legs closed? I can't know that, can I?

I know others have commented on this. This kind of "what if" thinking is such a normal part of processing grief: people do this all the time when they lose a loved one. And I did it upon my d-day. I was actively pushing my wife out the door to become more active and make some new friends, as my health had greatly impacted our social life and our love of outdoor activity. So I quickly fell down the "what if" rabbit hole thinking "What if I had never become ill (with an auto-immune conditions all my doctors said I did not cause!)" and "What if I hadn't pushed her to get out without me?" When we got legally married (after 15 years together) we wrote our own vows: I even wondered if she may have cheated because we didn't include "and forsaking all others." I mean, after 15 years, did that have to be said? I have spent countless hours wondering if married folks should constantly be reminding one another about loyalty and fidelity. This kind of thinking is just not helpful . . .

Short of buying a new phone, see if you can block her number for all types of contact. Same with her folks, if necessary. I like knowing if OW tries my wife's number, she will hear this:

Welcome to Verizon Wireless. We're sorry the number you have dialed has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your call.

Strength and peace to you as you embark on a rough ride.

Cabrona posted 4/16/2018 16:14 PM

Stupid is, as stupid does. That being said,we really don’t know who pursued who... was the affair so blatant because they were both such naive novices? Was he an arrogant player? Had she gotten away with it on a smaller level on other deployments?

You will never really know, and the truth is it doesn’t matter, you just need to let it go, because it has nothing to do with your future, and for that you need some HD Oakley polarized lenses 😎

MidnightRun posted 4/16/2018 16:19 PM


Damn shame.

RockstarDad posted 4/16/2018 16:24 PM

Whose emasculated now! Ha.

I never looked at surviving infidelity as a win/lose proposition. You never get to unlive the pain. But the way you handled this and the short term and long term effects too the betrayers makes this as close to a win as you are going to get.

Now process it appropriately with help from a professioinal or chaplain and get to your happy place again and stay there. When you get there you will have your true victory. This was the battle that is the war.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/16/2018 16:29 PM

Petty Officer that's not how this works


Sanibelredfish posted 4/16/2018 16:42 PM

A) Cried as the charges were read to him, B) Told the CO & CMC that he'd plead guilty if he could request Mast (Article 15, non-judicial punishment), and C) Had a small meltdown when the Skipper told him "Petty Officer that's not how this works.

Lol, he’s a manly man. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes...

heartbroken_kk posted 4/16/2018 16:47 PM

I'm sure you realize that the OBS's problems are not your responsibility. I urge you not to intervene on her behalf other than perhaps, to briefly express condolences for the pain she must be in.

Please don't in any way suggest to anyone that somehow you had any control before, or have any control after, her POSWS's actions or consequences.

There is nothing to be gained for anyone by you being a good guy to her.

We who were betrayed have to take control of our own healing. Her healing is her row to hoe, not yours.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/16/2018 16:56 PM

Petty Officer that's not how this works
Lordy...nothing a sailor does surprises me any more.

Google on Admiral Stufflebeem, LCL. Stupidity occurs at all ranks. I wonder if someone told him, Admiral that's not how this works

NoOptTo posted 4/16/2018 16:58 PM

Like to say you should be proud of yourself with how you have handled this entire debacle. You have been given so much wonderful advise. Only thing I'd like to add is you said that your family phone plan is ending. End it. Let her phone go dead like she is to you. You do not need to change your phone number. Just block hers after sending her a final text stating that all communications will be through legal counsel, period. Anymore contact will be met with a restraining order.

I wish luck with the more difficult part of dealing with infidelity. Stay active, seek support. N know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

twisted posted 4/16/2018 17:09 PM

Petty Officer that's not how this works

OK, that brought a chuckle.
And to think I had to chase my OM around town with a baseball bat. Never did catch him, I wasn't about to bounce over those curbs and tear up my truck like he did.
This was after I informed her of what I had found out as gently as I could. She had suspected something was going on, but I thought she took it quite calmly. I found out later she met him in the driveway with a loaded 9mm. Couldn't figure out the safety so she started beating on the window with it until her father took it away.
They got divorced and he had a massive heart attack, (still alive though).

The moral of the story is sometimes karma drives a big truck, and the best thing you can do is to get the hell out of the way.

Cabrona posted 4/16/2018 17:12 PM

You know it only seems fair to me that OBS should be able to sue “A” in civil courts for upcoming legal fees, present and future, also loss of income and promotions from husbands stupid ass affair. Nicht wahr?

Cabrona posted 4/16/2018 17:12 PM

Ipad posting redundancy. 🤬

[This message edited by Cabrona at 5:15 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

TimSC posted 4/16/2018 17:16 PM

Don't start with the "what if" game. It will drive you crazy and keep you from detaching from her, which you must do to heal yourself.

Your goal should now be indifference.

In time you will not care what she is doing.

If someone comes to you with gossip about her, your answer will be "Dont know, don't care".

latebloomer45 posted 4/16/2018 17:17 PM

Also, for those interested, the POS who enjoyed my wife and her comfort for six months is not much enjoying life right now. I have no idea what his wife is doing about his extra-marital activities, but the charge sheet was read & presented in his CO's office earlier this morning. He's currently charged under Article 134 with the sheet in an open status pending the JAG investigation. He now knows he's officially fucked.

To paraphrase someone's old tag line on here: "Was the fucking you got worth the fucking you're getting?"

I love when justice is served.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/16/2018 17:18 PM

"Unless you consent to a Summary Court Martial..."

Oh sh*t! You can overcome an Article 15 but a SCM stays on your record forever and they have an open and shut case. His career is toast at minimum. I wouldn't want to be him right now. #castrated.

He could have avoided all of this if he'd just kept his dick in his pants and hadn't been f**king somebody else's wife. #idiot

Avoid contact with everyone involved until after all proceedings are signed off on, finalized, filed, and the dust has settled. The wheels are in motion and sh*t is slinging. Don't let any of it get on you or even near you. Just stay far far away from all of it.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 5:22 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/16/2018 17:32 PM

Because she's hellbent on getting you back, your wife probably doesn't fully appreciate the collateral damage the affair has caused. Loverboy--and, by extension, his family--is fucked; her parents are probably deeply embarrassed and baffled.

PricklePatch posted 4/16/2018 17:47 PM

No contact with his wife is needed. You gave her evidence.

You are not responsible for the fallout from the affair.

The fallout is all on your STBX and her POSOM. I read the military article and the punishment. Anyone with a brain knows it is heinous to commit adultery. He knew you were deployed and your job did it anyways. He also knew he was responsible financially for his wife and young children. He did it anyway.

Your STBXW knows you and knows the code. She isn’t stupid.
Seems like she was pretty blatant with her behavior.

Do not contact his wife. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

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