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Home From Deployment to Hell

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Charity411 posted 5/28/2018 10:07 AM

I also think it wasn't necessary to imply that another poster was reconciling because she couldn't do any better.

And I also think it's insensitive to tell LCL that he'll likely do better. Specifically a woman 10 or 20 years younger than his current WW. There are many betrayed wives on this site that got left for "newer models" as in younger. Visit the New Beginnings forum and you'll often see that women over 40 have a hard time on dating sites because so many of the men their age want much younger women.

Men and women are entitled to their own preferences. But it would be nice if we could have some sensitivity to the fact that there are hurting people on this site. They don't need to have it implied that if you're 40 or over, you're past your expiration date.

sisoon posted 5/28/2018 10:59 AM

Reading many BH threads in JFO, I'd say too many males can't find what it takes to move on either because they seem to believe they can never "do as good" not to mention better.

She's also confusing her own situation, where she is willing to accept infidelity because her husband is the best she could do,

You are lying to yourselves if that's what you believe. There are many motivations for not cutting off a WS immediately, and most of the time, they just don't - and can't - come out in short Internet posts. You do not and cannot know what motivates people to take time in making the big decision between R & D.

It's clear that some of the posters here have no real understanding of R. Why condemn what you don't understand? Why, especially, cast aspersions on fellow BSes who make different choices than you do?

And there are no promises that by the end of this, you will find another women as special as you said your stbxw was, until she made her fateful mistake.

That doesn't apply to you. You're kicking ass in your career, and your wife is at least 40 years old, by my calculation and you're about the same age. You will have you pick of very high quality women in their 20s and 30s. You will no doubt upgrade.

Well, here's the thing: most of us come into this after several years together, some of which were very, very good.

If your WS is willing to do the work to change from cheater to good partner, and if she actually does it, then it's possible to get a great relationship with a partner who is less vulnerable to cheating again because she's strengthened her boundaries in the course of healing - sort of like a healed broken bone is stronger than before it was broken.

Someone new is a black box. You can't see inside. You can't know where the brokenness lies.

Here's another thing: most of us come into this with lots of bonds - kids, good years, financial ties and demands. It's not easy cutting those ties. Sometimes one can lead a better life by R than by D.

If the WS won't do the work, I'm all for dumping her ... but if she will, R can be a great choice.

Further, fantasies rarely come to life. There are lots of unhappy people who kick ass in their careers. There are lots of lonely people who kick ass in their careers. There are lots of wonderful people, male and female, who would be fantastic partners who are alone.

And there's a lot more to a person than age, looks, and any other quality you can name. I haven't seen any way of determining who is a good match ahead of time; there's just too much in relationships that can't be described, much less measured. What seems like an upgrade to an outsider may be a real problem for the 'upgrade's' partner.


There seems to be a question of 'manliness' underlying this thread.

One view of manliness requires cutting a woman off if she has sex with another man, and that seems to be the view taken by many of the voices here.

There are many other views of what it means and what it takes to be a man. Just sayin'....

I do not mean to insult anyone by the following paragraph.

Am I the only person here who sees cutting off one's partner because of adultery as a possible sign that the BS thinks s/he is not as good as the ap?

That thought sometimes comes into my awareness because cutting the WS off is akin to leaving the field open for someone - anyone - else to come in.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:14 AM, May 28th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 5/28/2018 11:16 AM

In the end, we follow our own values and sense of integrity. For myself, Lt. C and millions of others--men and women--fucking someone else is simply a dealbroker.

To each his own.

M1965 posted 5/28/2018 11:20 AM


I want to say that I admire the strong and decisive action that you took. I think that examples like your experiences are valuable in this forum, because for the most part, people for whom infidelity is a deal-breaker would never even seek a forum like this. They would just finish things and move on, and they do not record their process, or the way things turned out.

I would also echo everyone here who has thanked you for your service. The resolution with which you have handled this storm in your personal life, while shouldering a huge amount of responsibility a long way from home, is truly remarkable. I know some have taken issue with elements of your story, but I hope that every single person who reads your thread will admit that. It is remarkable, impressive, and dare I say it, inspirational.

I regret the fact that your post has become fought over, being pulled one way or the other by people who are projecting their own agendas onto it. I have no agenda to project or promote, I really just want to let you know that your story has sunk in with me, and it is going to remain with me as a lesson that even when life throws an almost impossible situation at you, the way to deal with it is by making a plan and seeing it through.

That plan may take many forms. You may be Captain Kirk, wondering whether to talk to the alien who has appeared on your spaceship, or blow the SOB out of the airlock. We all use our judgement, and go with what we are comfortable with, don't we?

The point is, whatever we do, it should be (1) what we truly want for ourselves, regardless of what anyone else may want, and (2) we should commit to it 100% and really drive to make it a reality. Whatever anyone wants to graft onto your thread, whether positive or negative, no-one can take away the fact that you really stuck to your convictions and have been true to yourself.

There is a lesson here for everyone, whether men or women, and whether divorcing or reconciling. I hope that people will be able to see that, and not get distracted by side issues. Acknowledge your own values, know yourself, and proceed accordingly. Our response to being plunged into a crisis situation like infidelity is not about being weak or strong, it is about finding ourselves, and being true to that person.

When these forums work well, they help a person find themselves, and figure out what they want. It isn't about 'red pill', or co-dependency, or indecision, or being 'a doormat', or enforcing respect, or blowing the alien out of the airlock. Ultimately, it is about discovering who we, and which response to infidelity suits us.

Speaking personally, in LCL's scenario, I would have gone with the same response, and opened the airlock. There is no excuse for what his WW did, and she continued to lie until she became aware that the evidence of her long term affair was in LCL's hands. For me, when someone proves that they can cheat repeatedly, and then lie about it, they are letting me know that I cannot trust anything they will ever say again. It is their choice, and they are forcing my hand.

However, there are other scenarios where, as p*ssed off, hurt, and angry as I would be, I would assess how remorseful a person was, and - if they truly seemed like they hated what they had done, I might try and reconcile.

Ultimately, what these forums are for is to help people reach a point where they can move forwards from a position of strength. Said strength being not born of anger, righteousness, or sexism, but in whatever option looks like it offers them the best chance to regain happiness and security in their life.

I know what would be right to me. LCL knows what is right for him. If someone wants to graft 'red pill' or Schwarzenegger as the Terminator onto it, they are missing the point by a mile. LCL is not being 'red pill', he is being true to what he feels in his heart and his gut. That is great, and we should celebrate it. Just as we should celebrate a successful reconciliation that another forum member may have achieved. The point is, we should celebrate whenever any victim of the abuse of infidelity achieves the goal that they want, regardless of what that may be.

And 'red pill'...I am in daily contact with an absolutely wonderful woman who posted in JFO several months ago. She is intelligent, kind, nurturing, sweet, honest, loving...And she keeps trying to go back to a man who repeatedly lets her down, lies, and flip-flops. I hate him. With a passion. Whatever colour the pill is for women when they are going to blow their alien out of the airlock, I keep hoping she will take it. If I had my way, that MOFO would be outside the ship. However, it is my friend's choice how she wants to handle it, and I support her whatever she chooses.

Infidelity hurts every victim. It is not about what gender they are, or what sexuality. Personally, I hate cheats, of every gender and sexuality, because they hurt people. The pain that comes from the betrayal of love and trust is universal. We are all brothers and sisters here, but more than that, we are individual survivors. As I say, we should celebrate any brother or sister who reaches their goal, and LCL has done that.

LCL: thank you for telling your story, and I hope you will find happiness and contentment with a life-partner who is prepared to be honest and faithful to you. We all deserve that, but we don't always get it.

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 11:26 AM

cutting off one's partner because of adultery as a possible sign that the BS thinks s/he is not as good as the ap?

Fucking laughable is what that is. A completely warped view of one who refuses to tolerate what you clearly are willing to tolerate.

I do not mean to insult anyone by the following paragraph.

Brings to mind the qualifier "With all due respect", immediately prior to making a disrespectful statement.

FTR, I mean no insult by this comment... Ha ha. Yes I do.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:28 AM, May 28th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 11:34 AM

Admins, anytime you'd like to lock this thread it is my respectful request that you do so. I've read enough dissembing, rationalizing tripe from those who passive aggressively object to my decisiveness, lack of tolerance for my stbxw's infidelity and holding fast to my values over the last page or two to last a lifetime.

I may start a thread in the D/S forum or I may not. This one has clearly run its course.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/28/2018 11:39 AM

Am I the only person here who sees cutting off one's partner because of adultery as a possible sign that the BS thinks s/he is not as good as the ap?

On the contrary, I released him because he will never be the kind of man I deserve. A man with confidence and integrity.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/28/2018 11:40 AM

"I may start a thread in the D/S forum or I may not. This one has clearly run its course."

We welcome you with open arms. Great people over there.

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 11:42 AM

I just started a thread over there. This one has run its course. Admins/Mods, please lock this thread. Thank you.

ohforanewme posted 5/28/2018 11:42 AM

Am I the only person here who sees cutting off one's partner because of adultery as a possible sign that the BS thinks s/he is not as good as the ap?

That thought sometimes comes into my awareness because cutting the WS off is akin to leaving the field open for someone - anyone - else to come in.†

This has to be the most insensitive and insulting passage that I have EVER read on SI, and that in the JFO forum

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 11:44 AM

It is naught but the riposte of a BH who cleaves to a whole different set of values than many of us. I wish him well in his journey. I have zero interest in following the path he chose.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/28/2018 11:45 AM

That thought sometimes comes into my awareness because cutting the WS off is akin to leaving the field open for someone - anyone - else to come in.

To come into the WS's life? And the decisive BS cares about this because...?

The only thing I've struggled with is NOT warning his new girlfriends about him.

I doubt LCL's STBXWW is considered a catch for another man with as much character and integrity etc as LCL, much less a man that exceeds him in any way.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:07 PM, May 28th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 11:48 AM

She cheated with an airframes tech. An enlisted Airedale who cheated on his own wife with mine and is now on his way out of the Navy. I'm a LtCdr, qualified NSW OIC, who has kept my vows spotless. Yeah, he's a better catch... What a fucking asshole comment that was.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:49 AM, May 28th (Monday)]

MidnightRun posted 5/28/2018 12:04 PM

The insanity of this meandering bullshit is breathtaking.

Lt.C, get over to D/S, where reality rules the day.

PaulR327 posted 5/28/2018 12:06 PM

Lt don't be baited by knuckleheads

Kuwaited posted 5/28/2018 12:11 PM

Before LtCDR gets his wish or before this thread ages out:

The insanity of this meandering bullshit is breathtaking.
Fuckiní A.

I had a whole couple paragraphs written to comment on some of the shit written here, but I didnít want to actually perpetuate it all. Headiní over to D&S.

LtCdrLost posted 5/28/2018 12:20 PM


C'mon over... Jackassery not welcome.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 1:25 PM, May 28th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 5/28/2018 12:27 PM

I do not mean to insult....

I'm usually pretty good at saying what I mean.

When dumped into a brand new situation, especially one that is as awful as being betrayed, IMO thinking the unthinkable is a useful technique for finding one's way out of the shit.

When you've JFO, IMO it's also useful to question your own thoughts again and again in order to prevent reacting rather than figuring out what you want, whether it's attainable or not, and how to proceed on one's own initiative.

I fully understand the desire to get through this quickly - that's where the 'soon' in my ID comes from. But it's much better to make the best choices for yourself, and that's usually not the quickest ones. Most of us are choosing how we live the next several decades. That's worth taking some time before committing one way or another, if you have a choice.


I've sent your request to lock this thread to the mods. No mod is here at this point.


Sorry, folks. I thought I was in G when I wrote my subversive thought. I think it's too late to edit it out.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:01 PM, May 28th (Monday)]

nscale56 posted 5/28/2018 12:37 PM

Wow some criticism and you want the thread locked. This thread has run it's course (thank God). Oh and the fan club can keep your 2x4s and build a house.

MangledHeart posted 2/3/2020 09:45 AM

We had suspected for some time, but we now have conclusive proof that less than a month before starting this topic LtCdrLost was here as a wayward spouse under the name Hiram and subsequently banned.

It is bad enough to troll an infidelity forum, but to also falsely portray yourself as a Naval Officer is a low I don't believe we've experienced in the almost 18 years since founding SI.

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