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I had an affair for 2 years. Well, about a year before my spouse and I decided to file for divorce. Then I continued to date my AP for another year. The divorce took a long time, because we filed by ourselves, and kept having to go back to the courthouse and make revisions. My spouse called me 2 weeks ago and told me he just left the courthouse and the papers were final. We should be getting our copies in the mail any time. I am really crushed. I have been unsure if I should follow through with the divorce since we filed last year, but my spouse kept pushing it because he needed closure, and I was unwilling to work on things. I know I have been shutting myself down to the idea that reconciliation is an option for a long time out of guilt and shame. My husband does not know about the affair. I mean, I think he might know, but he is in denial, and I have denied it for so long. The truth is I want my husband back. We have 3 kids together, and I miss my family so much. I did fall in love with my AP, but I believe I could love my husband again if given the opportunity. I just ran away because I was scared to tell the truth. I finally ended things with my AP a week ago. Even though my divorce is final, my insides are screaming at me that my relationship with my husband is not finished. I can't live with myself if I don't try, so that is what I am doing. I am really trying to be strong and hopeful. I do think my husband still has some love in his heart for me. I just don't know if that will be the same if/when I tell him the truth about my affair. I told him how I felt a few nights ago, (without divulging the affair info) and he was kind to encourage me to get my life on track, but that he is not interested in a relationship with me. I know I am not ready to jump right back into things with him. I have a ways to go on healing my own emotional baggage, but I hope someday he will have a change of heart. He is also in a relationship with a woman, and it seems to be getting serious. I just don't know what to think or do, other than work on me. Does anyone think 2 years is too long? Should I give up on reconciliation, or is it too early to tell?

Unless you come clean there is no point to even try My guess is your husband knows

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It's never too late for honesty. You may not get to be married to him, but at least for the sake of your kids, you should make the effort, painful though it may be, to work things out.

At least you'll be able to co-parent without that hanging over your head.

I do want to come clean. I just don't think this is the best time. He is currently trying to move on. He doesn't even want anything to do with me. And if he never does, what is the point of admitting it and causing him and I more pain? I feel like it would only be necessary if we were actually both interested in working on our marriage/relationship again. I also think it is too new that I broke up with my AP. I am hoping that my husband needs some time to see that I am serious about not wanting to be with AP, and then he will come around to considering working on us again. Am I way off?

BS here.

Are just feeling this way because you think he is getting serious with someone new?

I see this a lot.

It is a bit complicated. He started dating this woman immediately after we filed for divorce last year, and she did cause a lot of drama in our lives, so yes I already do not like the idea of them being together. Then in December of last year, we tried to reconcile, and both broke up with our S/O, but I was not truly ready to let go of my AP, so it caused problems with my H (obviously), and shortly after, we decided to be done again. I know it sounds really wishy washy, but I do feel like things are going to be different this time. In 2 years, I have not been able to truly let go of my AP, and I am finally ready to do it. I want to be done with all the negativity he has brought into my life, so I am very committed to the process. Like I said, I do not think I am emotionally stable enough to be with my husband again, but I seriously want my family back one day. Hopefully not too far off in the future, but I am willing to do what it takes. I am just a bit unsure what steps to take when.

I'll preface by saying that I am a BH.

What you are asking for isn't reasonable. You decided to divorce, tried reconciling, were unwilling to leave your AP (that your BH didn't know was an AP) for your husband.

There are some important details missing here. Who brought up the divorce first? Did you break up with your AP, or did he break up with you? The truth is, this reads like you are just jumping from boat to boat.

My best advice is that if your BH. Work on yourself, spend some time alone being a mother and learn to love yourself.

He doesn't even want anything to do with me.

I think the best you can hope for is to co-parent your children together. I wouldn't even think about reconciliation with him. My guess is that he does know of your A but didn't want to deal with it because he had planned to get a divorce. I'm also guessing as is pretty common that you weren't very loving to him this time (not wanting to intimate, not being emotionally connected) to him so he detached. He will probably find someone else (if he hasn't already) so you will just have to adjust to that.

BH here. I will be as gentle as I can. The AP did not bring all the negativity in your life. You did with your affair. Why would he want to be with you when it took two years to let go of a man that should have never been there? You said you loved the AP. Why not stay with him?

Also. I wouls suggest you tell him about the entire affair. He may know but he might only suspects. You should confirm the truth. He has a right to know why you did not want reconciliation.

I understand it isn't reasonable to ask my husband to run back into my arms right now. What I am trying to do is start my journey to healing me, accepting what I have done, and forgiving myself. I think that is key before I am able to commit myself to my husband again, if he would be willing. He is the one who brought up divorce first. He pushed it hard and fast. I was a coward, and went along with it, but not without dragging my feet for many months. I finally agreed to sign papers after a lot of pressure from both my husband and AP. I regret that very much. I broke up with my AP. He wants very much to still be with me. I cannot. I turned into a different person when I was with him. I don't want to be that person anymore, and that is why I have made the decision to leave him. I don't want to live a life of lies and deceit.

I commend you for wanting to change. I think you should eork on yourself. But you need to be realistic as well. And realistically, your chance yo reconcile is slim to none.

The thing is we are doing a pretty good job of co-parenting so far. Some bumps, sure, but I do think my BH still loves me. He is just very hurt. If that is the case, is it really not worth it to see if we could reconcile? Yes, you are correct that I was pretty distant when we tried to reconcile 4 months ago, but that was because I was still allowing AP to get inside my head. If I am strong enough to break ties with AP, I believe I could see clearly again, and focus on repairing the damage I have done in my family. Does that make sense?

Hi there Joneswoman,

It seems like you aren't really emotionally healthy enough to be in an authentic relationship with anyone at this time. You have a lot of work to do to figure out how and why you were able to get your needs met at other people's expense in spite of what it cost them and you.

Start by being honest. You may or may not be able to get another chance with your now ex-husband, but being honest with him gives you a chance to start rebuilding your own integrity and to start dealing with people from a place of authenticity rather than how you want them to see you.

I had a really long affair...4 years of emotional/online followed by 3.5 years of physical/emotional. You know what my BS said when I finally spilled it all? "THANK GOD I'm not crazy. Thank God all this horrible gut feeling I've been having for so long has a reason. I thought there was something really wrong with me." Like you said, your ex-H has probably suspected and doubted his own sanity. Give him the respect and the dignity of being able to deal with things as they are, not as you wish they were. Then...let go of the outcome. Get into therapy, start digging in on figuring out the brain wiring that brought you to where you are today and then work on fixing it.

Forget AP. He's not authentic relationship material either and you're unlikely to be able to do the work you need to do while you're still tangled up with him. This is the time of reckoning...most people think of reckoning as a comeuppance, but it literally means to make things right. So work on righting yourself. Be a reliable co-parent and a great mom. Become a student of integrity and a champion of truthfulness and you cannot go wrong. It won't always feel great, but honesty will not lead you astray.

Two books that helped me a lot in my brain rewiring were "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown and "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chödrön. The first one is about vulnerability, how we shield against it and why embracing it is necessary to cultivate courage, compassion and connection in ourselves. The second one is about learning to sit with feelings that are difficult without shutting them down or being swept away by them. It is an invaluable skill that will serve you not just in the brain rewiring process but in all parts of your life and in all relationships.

Welcome to the path, Joneswoman. It's a long journey but you've taken the first steps. Post here when you need support or have questions. You're fellow travelers here on the Wayward side have been where you are and the people here are genuinely interested in helping.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

Thank you for the honesty. Trying not to be in total denial here, but I do have hope that my husband will want to love me again someday. If just 4 months ago, he was willing to forgive me for everything and recommit our relationship, why should I assume it is a lost cause now? I agree that it is highly likely that he is aware of my A, but we have not sat down and discussed the details. And while I do believe it will be necessary for reconciliation, I don't understand the point of spilling that now if we are truly over..

"Maybe I could love you again" is not exactly wedding vows material.

Perhaps you're only now grieving the loss of your marriage? It's never easy, even if both want to divorce.

I completely agree that I am not emotionally healthy to be romantically involved with anybody. I have an appointment with a new counselor tomorrow. I saw one previously during my A, but she really encouraged me to just do whatever made me happy. I always left her visits feeling confused and conflicted. I am very hopeful that I will find someone that clicks with me to better support me through this time. Thank you for the book recommendations also. I have been looking through hundreds of book titles, unsure where to start. I am not looking to sabotage my BH's current relationship by begging him to come back to me. My hope is that things will naturally run its course there (if it wasn't meant to be), and I will be working on me, focusing on school and the children, then maybe someday be emotionally ready to explore reconciling. I want to show him he can trust me. By staying single, (I have never been single) I think he will realize I am serious about changing. These are my goals right now. My family is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hate that I did not realize this until it was too late.

WilliamM, you are saying that realistically, my chance of reconciling is slim to none, but your signature says "all things are possible"

I am a believer in God, and I truly believe with God, all things are possible, including changing mine and my husband's hearts, and bringing us back together.

My spouse called me 2 weeks ago and told me he just left the courthouse and the papers were final. We should be getting our copies in the mail any time. I am really crushed.

Looks like filing caused you to end the A. As it says many As end along with the marriages. Your husband may have been keeping hope and it seems like you have taken it for granted by continuing the A

Looks like filing caused you to end the A. As it says many As end along with the marriages.

Yes, I believe that is true. I wish it didn't take me this long to leave my AP. I feel like I am at rock bottom right now. I have been for a few weeks now, but things are continuing to get worse each day. Just trying to trust the process.

[This message edited by Joneswoman at 10:57 PM, April 16th (Monday)]