SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone still divorced a remorseful spouse? Someone whomfrom d-day dropped the ap and turned towards the marriage again? What made you decide to do that? How do you feel now about your decision? How long did you wait till you knew you were still leaving?

My WH dropped his AP's immediately. He was extremely proactive about reassuring me, caring for me, helping me heal. However, about 6months in (coincidentally, right at the time I officially agreed to R), he very gradually became condescending, disrespectful, and downright verbally abusive. 2 years post DDay, after one particularly bad verbal tirade (he was drunk), I made the firm decision to separate. That was 9/17. He has made attempts to win me back, but his mask keeps slipping. The disrespect and controlling behavior is still there. I'm not returning to that prison. We are divorcing.

Look for posts from waitedwaytoolong.

I'm divorcing my remorseful spouse. Her 4 year LTA was a dealbreaker for me. She's completely devastated by losing her career, her marriage, her dream house and her father passed away recently. I can tell she's changed and doesn't see life or anything in the same way. I think she has stopped being so selfish but I just couldn't be around her. She was the single source of my pain and trauma so I had to cut her out of my life. We both moved out this weekend into our own place and start mediation in a few weeks.

I'll be happy to move on from this nightmare and 6 year sham marriage. I think starting over with someone new who I don't have any baggage with is better than staying with a "reformed cheater" who stabbed me in the back with the worst betrayal someone could have.

Cheating is just so cruel that I don't know how/why anyone could choose to stay. Cheaters are scum and I'll never think otherwise. They are destroying marriages, spouses, children, families and multiple lives.

My XWW was unremorseful, mean, cruel and cold. It would have been hard if she was remorseful and actually felt bad about tearing our family apart, but I truly know deep down in my heart I would still be divorced. I’m not a guy who takes a lot of risks....I’ve never been skydiving, never really gambled, never did drugs and never would try to stay in a relationship where I was cheated on. I just simply couldn’t survive another Dday. The risk outweighed the reward. For me, cheating is extremely black and white. As much pain that comes from it I’m happier now knowing I’ll never be married to this person who was capable and willing to inflict the worst pain imaginable for me and my kids.

But thats just me. Some people can work past infidelity. I simply can’t.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 9:11 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

Me. It was a mindfuck but had to be done.

In my post-separation snooping I found out he hadn't changed his spots despite putting on a good show for the first few months.

No regrets.

Interesting questions. I came to a realization yesterday. Despite the incredible depth of the betrayal and the fact my STBXW has earned that serial cheater label, I realized some of her more recent actions may very well indicate that she is truly remorseful.

I realized I had been upset about the thought of my STBXW being remorseful for the last few weeks as a part of me did not want for it be true. Then I realized that the part of me that didn't want it to be true because I was trying to protect myself from ever trusting her again. However, it wasn't really necessary for me to protect myself in this way because no matter what she did or said I still wasn't ever going to trust her again. So I looked at her words (cheap as they are) and more importantly her actions over the previous month and objectively and to my greatest surprise I have to say it's a possibility that she actually is remorseful. The thing is that without building trust there's no way I'll ever know for certain and again I'm just not willing to do that. However, if I was making a wager I would make a strong one that she is starting to show remorse.

Has anyone still divorced a remorseful spouse?

So I guess the answer to your question is, yes. I am still D (takes forever here) my remorseful spouse.

Someone whom from d-day dropped the ap and turned towards the marriage again?

I can't say for sure but it's possible she actually did attempt to do return to the M. However, it was an M that was already gone and I wasn't willing to hear anything she had to say.

What made you decide to do that?

I decided to do that because my mind was already made up that my M had been a toxic place to raise my children. There is nothing in this world worth taking the risk of that happening again.

How do you feel now about your decision?

It was only a decision in the most literal of definitions. As I said the risk to my children was too great to really consider it as a possibility.

Even aside from the children, I doubt that I would have ever had been able to truly R with her given what I now know. I do not possess or understand the ability or mechanisms that people have to rebuild trust with a person after that trust has been destroyed. Even as the concept both fascinates me and inspires me I can not find the will to myself to do the same and that's true of other relationships outside of this one as well.

How long did you wait till you knew you were still leaving?

Not sure if you mean after D-day or after realizing WW may be remorseful. I was already physically and emotionally separated from STBXW with very little chance of ever going back when I found out for certain what had happened. Even if we had still been together when I found out I think I would have been gone the instant I knew.

If you are refering to how long after I realized she might be remorseful my thought process was just even further down the road of what I said before. Her remorse alone isn't enough to make R possible.

My ex played the part of remorse for very short time. For the first 2 months, he met all of my demands. After month 2, I noticed his previous behaviors creeping back in. Then, about month 3 into false recovery, I had a gut feeling that he was lying to me about his timeline and about being in contact with ow. I checked his computer when he was out for the evening for a "work dinner" and found exactly what I was looking for. His timeline was much worse and he was still in contact with OW. That ended false R. I immediately detached and began the 180 and started getting my ducks in a row for D. It took longer than I wanted it too because I was grieving, but, it was the nail in the coffin for sure.

When I told him I was done, he tried to hoover me back in. But, I could see that had not changed and would never change. Therefore, he would never be a safe partner for me. It was well worth it!

Mine texted me to ask what year we got married so she can tell the lawyer drawing up our separation agreement

Oy vey

I think true 'remorse' is really rare. I know every BS wants to believe their cheater is remorseful and their marriage is better than ever, but all I ever see anymore are posts on Just Found Out from 'reconciled' BS's who caught their 'remorseful' cheater up to their old tricks.

Again.

I think most cheaters put on a real good show (or get dragged into divorce court - their choice) that's good enough to pass the sniff test. But true, sincere remorse from a cheater?

Pretty rare.

I did. I do think he regretted it and was remorseful. He, as far as I could tell, dropped the AP the minute it all blew up and never contacted her again. He didn't want to divorce, but it was a dealbreaker for me. But, he went to therapy regularly even after I left (8 months later, but the divorce took a lot longer), and treated me with the dignity and respect he said I deserved during our marriage. He and I are civil now, and I truly hope the best for him. I have moved on and am dating someone who seems pretty awesome so far.

I made the right decision and have no regrets. It was just a really hard slog to accept I was going to be divorced, but I'm pretty blase about it now. Time will help you figure it out. Best of luck.

Yes, I divorced a remorseful spouse.

After 24 years together, caught her cheating with an OxyContin junkie she met in AA (bankruptcy, no college degree, lawsuits, estranged from children, short fat, pock faced), the usual - gaslighting, trickle truth... I had to finally go underground to find the truth.

Having been cheated on in a previous marriage (I'm fixing my picker), I was determined to give her another chance (prev XWW didn't give me that courtesy). She was remorseful and went through the motions, but couldn't take the brutal honesty of accepting full responsibility. She wouldn't accept my anger. She started spying on my in these forums. She started blaming me, backsliding into referring to her affair as a "cry for help," seeing herself as the real victim.

At the one year mark after DDay, she broke down and started verbally attacking me in all the ways that long standing couples know to never do to their partner. I have some deep sadness about wanting a closer relationship with my older children and she was mocking me - crying and sarcastically imitating my deepest sadness.

To hear that she was willing to still want to hurt me so badly made me see in that moment that she was not only incapable of supporting me emotionally - she wanted me to hurt as badly as she hurt herself.

I saw in that moment that she was irredeemably untrustworthy. I kicked her out of the house that day. She moved back in three days later, forcing me to live in an unheated outbuilding for five months while the divorce papers were negotiated.

Now, I am emotionally relieved to no longer be tethered to someone so broken as to want me to suffer. I am financially having to re-vector my retirement plans. I am still angry that she counsels our daughter on why it's all my fault, which is causing great pain to DD.

I did and it was a long painful process.

My wife’s affair was short lived. Of course I caught it early and so it most likely would have gone on a long time. The things they did, and where they did it, was very painful to me. The affair was so out of character for her, and she snapped out of it immediately and was remorseful. But for me the damage was done

It took me 5 years to get to the divorce stage. I did it for various reasons. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I felt like she got away with it Scott free. I know she suffered, but still to me there was no justice. I guess I’m just not the turn the other cheek kind of guy. Divorce was the ultimate justice I suppose.

Another reason was our sex life was totally changed. What was a fun and mutual experience became to me a physical release.

The last, and probably biggest reason was I felt like shit about myself and the way I treated her. Not abusive, although I was verbally abusive the first year, but I withheld love from her. She was desperately trying to connect with me, and I gave her no bridge to it. Basically I was just cold. No hand holding, no I love you, no presents. Things she needed. I felt shitty about it, but even after IC and vowing to do better, I just couldn’t. She said she could live with it, but I couldn’t.

Life after has been rough. I date a lot, but have my guard up all the time. She is miserable after finally being outed. Gained weight, lost friends, has no interest in hobbies, and I don’t think has dated at all

We still are on good terms, but I have to work to show her there is no daylight for us to be together.

The decision was the correct one for me, but I wish it was one that never had to be made

Hey Waited,

I think you and I may be cut from the same cloth. I would even go as far as to say I believe I have been able to forgive others who have hurt me in the past but have I been able to reconnect with them after I forgive? It's something I wish I was capable of but it's just not there for me. Several have told me I haven't truly forgiven if I can't but I'm not sure that's true in my case but for some people, it very well may be the truth.

I can't even bring myself to look at one of the offenders and feel real empathy again even after the pain of betrayal has subsided and I can honestly say I have no anger. I mean I look at them and on an intellectual level, I understand from objectively looking at them that they may be in pain, love, remorseful, or whatever. On an emotional level? It's just blank. I wonder sometimes if this is how sociopaths feel all the time with everyone. I don't think it's exactly the same because I would still feel bad about myself if I were to treat these people poorly, as you say you feel when you felt about yourself not being able to reconnect with your wife. It's an odd dynamic but I think what you and I feel in that situation is actually compassion for our own self-image.

I'm really struggling right now because I want to be capable of forgiving and rebuilding like others can. Though not so much in the case of STBXW but in other instances. And I really do want to be capable of doing this for myself and not for anyone else. Both to be able to be compassionate to my own self-image and because I've seen firsthand how much joy can come from those types of relationships. It's something I desire to have and I feel envious of those who do.

It all just feels really unfair and in another way just cheated or betrayed all over again that I'm denied the ability to forgive and move forward in that way. It also feels like a further injustice considering the hand I got dealt in this life. I suppose whining about it isn't really getting me anywhere.

Yes, count me in as one of those who did.

Best decision in my life. I struggled with it for a bloody awful year. Wish I had not, but at least I now have the certainty that it was the right decision for me.

I recognise that I might be a little dim, but I just dont get all the talk about remorse and how that magicaly makes R possible.

I also place no value on XWW now being a safe partner who would never do it again.

All her remorse somehow just doesn't allow her to "un-F**k" all the other men, or go any way to make up the "O" deficit that she has bequeathed to me.

Her being safe in the future means nothing. I wanted her to be safe from the beging.

This might seem harsh. It is just that I am so much happier now, apart from her giving me the gift of my 2 precious people, I wish that I had never wasted so much time on her. And I thought that she was a prize way above what I ever deserved.

I have seen it on here many times over the years. For some an affair is a deal breaker and there is nothing wrong with that. We are all individuals and have to do what we can live with.

I used to be sad when someone wanted to R, but having lived through 3yrs of false R, I can now say I pulled the plug on something that in the long run would be the best decision I ever made. XWH#2 pretended to be remorseful, but he truly never was and had taken the LTA underground. I wanted to be one of those that was able to R, but he made it impossible for me to keep living with all the hurt and pain after numerous DDays. Now I know I would have lived my life waiting for the next shoe to drop and suspecting him even if he was R. It was literally sucking the life out of me.

I am now recently married to a wonderful man who would never cheat on me. His is a widower who never cheated on his deceased wife even when she got sick and no longer felt like having sex for years. After living my whole life with 2 WH's I said I would never remarry again, but he restored my faith that there are good people out there.

My WXH appeared to show remorse and said all the right things (though he refused to sign a post-nup that was very fair and only came into play if he cheated again -- I had been the main breadwinner and put him through medical school -- saying I should trust him to be honest. I believe that any truly remorseful WS would offer a post-nup with very favorable terms to the BS) We have no kids, so have been NC for over 5 years now.

It was the best decision I ever could have made. Cheaters usually have other personality traits that make them bad partners. I didn't realize I was being emotionally abused until I got out of there (previously, I thought I had a wonderful husband and was very very happy. I had no idea what happiness really was.)

I healed, got an amazing job, made friends, and after a few years, met the most amazing man who I will likely spend the rest of my life with. I never would have known real love had I stayed with someone who is capable of cheating on me. Someone who is capable of cheating doesn't know what true love is. I feel sad that I lost my 20s but am happy that I had a chance to make my life how it should have been all along.

I guess you could say that's what I'm contemplating. It's been a year. Almost to the day.

WH dropped AP the moment I found out, is in IC, transparent, much more present, making an effort, etc. Not sure it counts as true remorse, but he definitely has turned toward the M.

I just don't think it's enough any more. I feel no passion. No desire. I feel numb. I think he cannot eventually give me what I need. Nor can I.

The main reason, I think, might be what you'd call a preemptive strike. I have lost faith that this will never happen again. And I don't want to put myself through this again. Nor get to the point where we feel so dissatisfied with our lives and hostile towards eachother that we cannot be decent co-parents.

No decision yet from my part, but I have never been so close to a D as I am now.

I read your posts and feel that I should save myself a lot of time and energy and just walk away.

Not sure remorse is enough for me but what else can he give me? Not trust or love because I will doubt everything he does or says. He's fighting a losing battlle to think that we can R by showing remorse.

Your posts have helped me see things differently, thank you.

The last, and probably biggest reason was I felt like shit about myself and the way I treated her. Not abusive, although I was verbally abusive the first year, but I withheld love from her. She was desperately trying to connect with me, and I gave her no bridge to it. Basically I was just cold. No hand holding, no I love you, no presents. Things she needed. I felt shitty about it, but even after IC and vowing to do better, I just couldn’t. She said she could live with it, but I couldn’t.

This ^^^^ is something I struggle with a great deal. I am quite sure many BS's do. WWTL was just brave enough to say it out loud. The pain of it all can just be too much for a BS. And they just can't get it back, its not there.

I wanted to be one of those that was able to R, but he made it impossible for me to keep living with all the hurt and pain after numerous DDays. Now I know I would have lived my life waiting for the next shoe to drop and suspecting him even if he was R. It was literally sucking the life out of me.

So true ^^^^ as well.