SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here so please take it easy on me. I’ve been married for 11 years. I’m just about 40. I’ve known my husband for 20 years. We hung out in the same crowd in our early 20’s and eventually started dating. He joined to military and we got engaged. I left my hometown and traveled the United States with him for 9 years. Things were hard at times, we have had our troubles like any other couple but we carried through. We have 3 boys and as you can imagine with his work demands, he wasn’t home much. I stopped working to be home with our boys. He’ spent close to 5 years out of our entire relationship (including dating) in Iraq/Afghan. We made it through all those deployments... I never thought we’d end up here.

About 3 years ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the military and we came back to our hometown. Bought a house....started spending time with our old crew of friends that we’ve known our entire lives. (We had the same group of friends for years before we started dating but we were just acquaintances.) All of our kids got along, coming back seemed perfect. Only it wasn’t.

Something happened when we moved back. I’m not sure if my husband was always distant with me (sexually he seemed to have little desire but that has been a consistent in our marriage and a struggle within him, while I’ve always been the opposite). Maybe the emotional distance may not have been noticed on my end bc he wasn’t around much so I had lower expectations. I’m not sure but I got into the routine and pattern of doing everything. Kids, house chores, schedules, homework, house repairs, yard maintenance, cooking, cleaning... everything. But when we moved back, he was civilian and worked better hours and was actually home. He was now available to help me with everything and he just didn’t. I do think he was a bit PTSD but more because he left the military and missed the comradery, not because of war trauma but I could be wrong. We did counseling for hot second but discontinued. It wasn’t helpful.

I tried for a year to communicate my need for assistance bc juggling the boys and everything else was challenging. We hadn’t been intimate in years. I expressed that need and desire as well. It fell on deaf ears. I continued along for another year almost drone like. Going through motions. Trying to be seen, heard, appreciated, sexy for him, noticed, asking for his help around the house. I lost weight because I thought maybe he just wasnt attracted to me. I suggested we watch porn together because I knew he liked it. I eventually just gave up outwardly trying in order to avoid feeling rejected. But rejected was exactly how I felt. I interpreted his lack of response to anything as a reflection of his feelings for me.

When we had an opportunity to have sex (if we had the house to ourselves or went away for a night) i wouldn’t try for physical intimacy for fear of rejection but then be so upset later that he didn’t try. I’d wake up before him sometimes and lay in a sexy pose on the bed waiting for him to wake up and hope he’d see me and want me. And if he didnt then I felt rejected then too. And then I’d feel ridiculous for laying half naked freezing without a blanket in hopes he’d wake up and be turned on! Even though I was no longer putting myself out there verbally asking for intimacy, I was still subtely trying to ask for it. It was maddening. I realize now that I was setting myself up for rejection but at the time I thought I was inviting him in. The subtlety I guess was really just for myself. Not that I was ever fooled. His response to my verbal advances were always sweet but he’d turn me down gently.

Anyhow... We live on a lake and we’d have our friends visit frequently on the weekends. Kids would play all day and swim, camp fires by night, drinks post kid bed times. It was a distraction for me and my unhappiness but it wasn’t enough.

Last spring, after begging my husband to get help again, asking what I could do to make him love me, want me, asking him if I was crazy for feeling so disconnected, he begged me to give him time and not give up on him. He promised he’d work on it. I suggested counseling he said we couldn’t afford it. I gave him time. I waited. I kept up my ‘subtle’ routines. By the end of July with no changes I was no longer hallow. I was resentful. I asked for a divorce. He told me we couldn’t afford it. I knew I needed to set myself up to be on my own because I had not worked since our first was born. I got a job. Planned to save up to leave.

Fast forward a month and one weekend with our friends, our mutual friend that he’s known since 16 and I since my 20’s, made a pass at me. He’s married as well and I was friends with his wife, though she didn’t come around until our 30’s and since I was traveling w my H, I never really got to know her until we moved back. We were still close but I would say that I’ve always been closer to him, platonically until then.

I not only accepted his advances but I embraced them. It felt amazing to be seen by someone. It felt amazing to be touched by someone after nothing for 2 years. He told me I was beautiful. Toldme he knew I was unhappy. And knew why. He couldn’t believe my H could ignore me the he did. (They were best friends since they were teenagers. He was the best man in our wedding.). We carried on our affair for 3 months. We made plans to leave our marriages. We fell in love and fell fast. Or at least I did. He could have been lying all the time.

Connecting with him was like feeling a power surge run through me. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. I trusted him. I know (knew?) him and his heart and he’s a wonderful person. Thinking of a future with him brightened all my dark days. We looked at places, texted every day. Snuck away when we could. And when we couldn’t, we relied on the emotional affair aspect and texted or talked. We new we had to gracefully exit our current marriages bc we both loved our spouses as people and didn’t want to spare them of our A. Weanned to keep it quiet until we just ‘randomly’ started dating. Ridiculous I know... now. I cannot I believed it would ever work out. I’m an educated woman and how I could go into this dream world... ugh.

I did ask for a divorce again right after AP and I had our first encounter and told him it was a non negotiable because I couldn’t be in the marriage anymore. He said fine. The plan was to make it until the end of the school year for our kids. He handled it well this time. I continued myself up to leave. I was leaving with or without my AP.

But, eventually, my AP got caught. His phone was went through. It was the end of dream life as we knew it. I told my husband as well. This was 2 months after we took off our rings. He handled it well considering. He seemed (still seems) more hurt by AP than me. I interpreted that as he really didn’t want a future with me but for me it was neither here nor there because I was leaving no matter what.

I thought there was a future with my AP. I thought we were in love. I had never stepped out before this.all those deployments. All those separations. Never. And I thought that bc AP and I had known each other our whole lives that this was just a force that was stronger than us. That it was fate to bring us together. It didn’t matter that I was hurting his wife bc she really didn’t seem interested in him. I saw it and he told me. Boy do I feel so stupid now.

My AP ended our relationship and cut me out of his life. His wife confronted me several times saying she needed answers. I tried to give them as best and honestly as i could to her bc I fshe deserved that of me. I care for her and am shocked at myself and the betraya I’ve l committed. I owed her a sincere apology. And i was sorry to hurt her but I wasn’t sorry that I fell in love. She knew DH and I struggled the last year especially. I often wonder now if she had told AP things I told her. Who knows.

It was a mess. One minute she would yell at me and the next she’d tell me how great her sex now was. Meanwhile my husband would not even talk to me or look at me. Our other friends all cut me out as well. I thought about ending my life but fortunately checked myself into a psychiatric hospital instead. I have a history of depression but had never experienced anything of this magnitude before. I felt much better after a week inpatient there and then I did outpatient for a month and stayed with my parents.

.

Part of my healing process was to say good bye to my AP and his wife, writing them letters to apologize one last time and explaining that it would be my last ‘I’m sorry’ that I was moving forward. Inside though I still yearned for my AP but I knew that if I really loved him that I needed to let him go bc that’s what he wanted. That’s what he asked me to do.

It’s been 5 months since i said my goodbye. He’s blocked me on all social media. My phone number. I blocked his wife. My kids still ask about them and their children. I just told them last weekend that they moved. My other friends still want nothing to do with me and seem to blame me for it all bc my AP seems to have no repercussions... which makes me angry and confused but then I feel like it’s justifyed bc I’m home wrecker... but isn’t he too? I don’t know. I circle. I ruminate.

My husband has told me he wants to work it out. That he knows he’s responsible too. That he still loves me. He wants no affair details. He doesn’t ever want to see his best friend ( ap) again. I felt like I should try and work on it bc of all we have, the kids, everything. Im working. I’m back in school finishing my masters. We’ve been trying for 3 months. I’m working as hard as I can on us, my kids and making time for myself too.

I’m trying so hard but yet I still ruminate over my AP. I still love him. I dream about him every night. I hate him sometimes too. I’m trying to make everything right in my head but I’m still so cloudy. Conflicted. I want to make my husband happy and my children happy by staying but what if I never stop loving my AP?

My H is really trying. He’s doing his best to be intimate with me. And I’m so appreciative that he’s trying, that he forgives me. He’s happy, my kids are happy. Things I suppose are going as good as they could but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fully give my heart back. But as long as he’s trying, I plan to as well. I don’t ever want to hurt him. I never did.

I’m in therapy but currently taking a break as I’m waiting for our new insurance to kick in. Meanwhile, I’m keeping busy to not ruminate over AP. I’m painting, doing guided meditation, exercising, working on projects around our fixer upper house, my school work and all the boys schedules. It’s good that I’m busy. But when I’m not, I still feel so lonely and wonder about AP. And miss him.

Will this go away? What if my husband stops trying? Physical intimacy is still a struggle. Do I just accept that it always will be? Ugh. Please kindly advise. I remain pretty fragile.

Your story is pretty much how most affairs play out. And in have to say no matter how neglected you were, it's not an excuse to have an affair. Something inside you allowed it to happen. You made a choice. I could have written the details of your affair, as they all seem to follow the same framework, esp when a man seems a woman with low self worth and value. Mine lasted 4 months. I had tried to end it but it wasn't until his wife found out was he willing to cut me out totally. In the moment it stings to know you really meant nothing to your AP. You were side fun, casual sex and an escape from real life.

5 months after my d day things started to fall in place for me. I could see clearly how devastating my affair was, I could see how I was an easy target. I could finally start to accept I was just a warm body, I could have been anyone and I probably wasn't the only one. Right now you are still mourning your life of "what could have been" your escape, your new start.

I can tell you it gets better, much better. I'm so thankful for my 2nd chance in my marriage. I'm thankful not to be the person I was. I'm thankful I've got the tools to communicate now. It makes me sick to think of the person I was, the wife and mother I was during that time. 14 months in and I hold no feelings towards the AP. Nothing. Not even anger or hatred.

This website has been invaluable to me. As well as reading books and spending time working on my "why." I've taken my life back and it feels great! Good luck to you!

When you said you wanted a divorce, he said you couldn't afford it. Why did you go along with that instead of separating and moving toward divorce?

Now he says he wants to work it out. That doesn't mean you have to stay.

What do YOU want to do in all of this? You want to try just because he does? Why?

Obviously having an affair with a married man didn't solve any of your problems. And one of the reasons it is all so sad is that it is all so predictable. But instead of thinking about your situation in a reality-based framework, you moved in a fantasy world.

And now you, your BH and your children are all suffering.

Figure out what YOU want for your marriage - reconcile, divorce, 'stay married' in a dead relationship. And if you are to continue to do any counseling, it should be individual counseling for you. Marriage counseling would not be productive at this point.

I don’t condone cheating but your marriage was not even on life support. Your husband might be gay, addicted to porn or suffering from depression since you said his disinterest in you had been there for years. What I blame you for is harming another man’s family. She had done nothing to you. Your need for validation was no excuse for the pain you and he caused her.

Why are you the one in therapy? Your husband is all kinds of screwed up. He needs it worse than you.

Thank you for your replies.

I am not excusing my behavior. It was wrong. I lived a morally acceptable life up until this point. I have always put forth my best effort in everything I do. Realizing my imperfections have been hard but I’m not ignorant toward them. I’ve hurt so many people and I’m certainly sorry for that. I wish I could take it all back.

I was on the right path, setting myself up for separation. I had no where to go. No money of my own. No job. I couldn’t leave yet. Then the affair. And yes, it took me over. At first it was just physical. Then it was a fantasy world. I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know about affairs. It may seem so predictable for all of you but me, it wasn’t. 5 months later i see but when you’re in the fog, you don’t know it’s a fog. It’s quite real. Now I see that it was just an escape from shitty reality. And yes, I suppose I am still grieving the loss of that fantasy. This is all still new to me and I’m trying to learn about myself, my situation.

This may be everyone else’s story as well but I only know mine. I only know the ones I’ve hurt. This is my only experience w A’s at all ever. I am in IC. My H will not go to therapy. He’s trying so hard to be better, to be more invested. He doesn’t belittle me or beat me up over this. He hasn’t asked for passwords or my phone. He’s supportive of me and wants me to figure ‘me’ out. He’s just now fighting for me. And he is fighting as hard as he can. I know and see that. So because of that I stay. I love him as a person, a friend, a father. I’m hoping to love him as more again as well.

He’s opening up sexually. He’s admitted that he grew bored of me sexually. That he wants more. We had an accidental threesome with another woman. Long story on that one but some how, after that it opened him up to change. He wants to do that again. In fact he talks about it quite often. I’m not opposed to it but do not want that to be all we talk about when we have sex. I want, I need, to feel like I’m enough for him. Not that he’s settlling. And honestly, writing this right now, right here, is the awakening that I needed to not keep that in. That I need to tell him that. I think I’ve been hesitant bc he’s interested in sex with me again and I’m scared to say something bc I don’t want to ruin that or take a step backwards. Literally as I type this though I’m realizing how silly that is. That once again I’m ignoring my own needs and wants (again!). Wow. One day here and I’m learning more about myself than I have in months of therapy.

He’s just now fighting for me. And he is fighting as hard as he can.

Here's the thing that he might not understand though - your A had NOTHING to do with him. It only had to do with YOU and YOUR coping mechanisms.

Problems in the marriage? Sure. You both contributed to that. But only YOU chose to have an A (unless there's something we don't know about).

Also, I think including 3-somes in your sex life would not be productive now. You need to work through the A and your sexual compatibility before you introduce that additional element. (I'm not opposed to 3-somes in general and when everyone is consenting, I just think that there are other things that you two need to figure out first.)

Keep working on yourself. And it would probably be a good idea to work on becoming more financially independent to the extent possible, so that you have the most choices available to you.

I agree with you dead man. It really did have nothing to do with him but he realizes that he ignored my requests to work on us before that. He refused to fight THEN. Even after I asked for the D both times he didn’t fight. He was complacent. For some reason, now, he is willing to work on us. When I’ve asked him why he says he never wanted to lose me. I walk on egg shells when we discuss it bc he doesn’t want to talk about it. That worries me. Like we should be dissecting it?

I think you are right about the threesomes but again, I’m not sure we’ll survive sexually with out them. This is the first time in years he’s seaked me out sexually ever. Like maybe he’s

Opening up to me finally. I’m nervous to diminish that. So I tread lightly. But I do need to bring up my concerns.

I told him about this site and hoped maybe he’d pursue his own journey here but he’s not interested.

Gently, I'm not sure he's seeking you out sexually. There's another woman there, after all.

A 3rd person makes the sex much more than 1.5 time more complex than with 2 people. Your M is between 2 people, right? That means, I think (i.e. IMO), that your best bet is to build your M and your M sex life together, just the 2 of you.

Your H says he got bored. Why didn't he ask you to work/play with him to end the boredom? You were unhappy ... why didn't you make him choose between changing your M or ending it?

I know neither of these things is easy to do, but you've got a chance to do that now.

I just don't see how a 3rd sex partner will help you both heal and rebuild your M....

BTW, the next time you start a thread, you can set a 'Stop Sign' that essentially prevents BSes from responding. Sometimes BSes aren't all that sympathetic.... Your choice entirely whether to use the Stop Sign or not, though.

There was no way for you to know that was the path of pretty much all affairs. While I was in my affair I did a lot of googling about the fog and the feelings because they seemed so out of character and impossible. Once I came in SI it was scary how many posts read just like my own experience.

I think for you, you need to decide is it worth it? If the only way my B.S. Could be sexually satisfied with me was a threesome, it would not be ok with me. Was that experience before or after your affair? Did he feel like that leveled the playing field if it was after?

Again, thank you all for your words and kindness. Truly. I saw the stop signs and did know that I was opening to BS as well. I do want their thoughts as well...as long as I’m not intentionally shamed. I certainly feel a lot of that already. I’m appreciative of the insight bc as I said, I just want to improve things not just for myself but my family as well.

The threesome was after the affair. A couple months after. I don’t think it was him attempting to level the playing field. I think it was something he’s always been interested in. He enjoys his porn and it’s all lesbian genre that he watches. Always has been as far as I know. He could have a porn addiction. Before we had kids when we lived overseas I found out the extent to which he was watching porn. It almost destroyed us. We did counseling then. Sometimes I wish that I had ended it then but then I wouldn’t have these 3 squishy, adorable little faces to wake up to each day.

I think my BS didn’t open up to me about his sexual needs because he was embarrassed. He was brought up in a very strict Christian home and told that sex was for procreation and masturbating was sin. He’s always been secretive about his masturbation but I also think he really just doesn’t have a high sex drive. My counselor suggested that he go to a urologist to make sure things are ok, he just didn’t. You can only lead a horse to water.

I do have to figure out what I want. Right now I suppose I just need to deal with my continuous guilt and shame and see how things play out. I’m hopeful to fall in love again along the way.

If your husband was so bored with your sex life all these years trying to please him is not going to work. Sex between two people who love each other will get routine after a while but that does not excuse his ignoring you. I wish I felt better about this but your needs were not met for years and now all of a sudden he is interested?! He was getting sexual gratification from somewhere. He really might have a low sex drive but his sounded dead until your affair and a threesome. I dunno. Something is goofy about his behavior.

I’m a woman. Men, what are your ideas?

Bingo! I just read your latest. His addiction is his sex life. Please read up on sex addiction. This answers a lot.

Do you love your husband or are you just trying to make it work.

Seems like you were ready to leave him before. But it sounds like you had an affair out of protest to his actions.

You say at first you liked the kind words and the physical intimacy. Did you show anger towards him in the beginning of the affair?

As a disclaimer, I'm a BS. It sounds like your BH is meeting his sexual needs elsewhere, i.e. not with you. The porn, secretive masturbation and the need for increased stimulation is pretty indicative of that. This really is not about you, is my guess.

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm being critical of you. I'm hurting a lot tonight because of my Ex's infidelity so I'm trying to be extra gentle with people.

BS here. No stop sign. Your husband has not forgive you. He has swept the affair under the rug. His anger and pain will come out eventually. My suggestion to you is to write out a timeline of your affair with all, and I mean all. Details. He will want it at some point and "I don't remember" won't cut it. Prepare for that time. A d if you want to save your marriage you must let your feelings for AP go. If you are not 100% in then divorce. It's not fair to your husband sort to you.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 1:33 AM, May 7th (Monday)]

Thanks Cooley and core. I will look more into it. And I have brought it up before. My gut tells me that’s not it. I do think he has a low sex drive. I don’t think he’s watching porn all the time. I think sometimes it was just easier to do rub one out. Gosh honestly I don’t know but I do know I don’t want to try and dissect him if he’s not willing to open up. I do think he needs to figure himself out and I would try and be there for him in doing that if he wanted. But I’m not interested in making him, especially if he doesn’t want to. Does that make sense? And core, you were not critical by any means. I am sorry that you are hurting. ((())). I hope the new day brings you some sunshine.

Metoo, I love my husband as a person, a father, a friend. I want to love him more than that. He’s attractive and desirable. He’s funny, he’s my best friend. He’s standing by me as I am dealing with the biggest mistake of my life, when most others aren’t. When I known he’s hurting and how I’ve caused that hurt. He’s trying his hardest to be what I’ve told him I need as a husband. I stay because of that. And because of my kids. If we do end up D’ing I want to be able to walk away saying I’ve tried my hardest to make it work. Did I show anger to AP or BH at the beginning of the affair? I’ll answer both. No anger to AP. No anger toward him in the end either. Just sadness. And no anger toward to BS either. At least no more than I usually had when I felt resentful. After I told him D was non negotiable, I was sad toward him. Defeated. But not angry.

Thank you William. That is sound advice about the timeline. I will try to do that although honestly, the details are already foggy. And I agree about letting go my feelings for AP. I Want to desperately. I just don’t know how.

I'm sorry you are here.

As gently as I can ask, are you sure you aren't re-writing the history of your marriage?

My husband has told me he wants to work it out. That he knows he’s responsible too. 

Please, I beg of you, do not let your husband take any blame for your affair.

He had a stake in the marriage, but no choice in your affair.

We had an accidental threesome with another woman. 

Huh? How do you have an accidental threesome?

I'm praying for you.

Hey wool. Thank you for your reply. When I said he was taking responsibility, I meant for his past emotional absence. I realize that my affair was all me. My BS feels sorry for me because he sees how much I hate myself for what I’ve done. He knows accepting advances from another is out of character for me. In fact the past 9 months I am not really sure who I am. Choices I’ve made... they’re so selfish and against all my morals. I do not hold him responsible for my affair. I’ve told him this. But I do hold him responsible for being emotionally and physically absent before it. Does that make sense?

Ugh. The threesome... long story short. bS went out with my brother one night. I had a girls night in. There were a bunch of us. A friend from the military that we see maybe once a year, had been in town and came over. BS came home. Hung out for a minute, went to bed. I went to bed a bit later leaving 2 girls down stairs that were staying over.

Military girl came into our room at some point and I woke up to her kissing me. BS woke up to it to and was like what’s going on over there? I was like I have no idea... next thing I know boom. Threesome. I’d never been w a woman before. I haven’t fully digested my feelings on this one yet. At first I thought it was good that it happened bc BS sexual appetite was thriving. But now all we talk about during sex is me with another woman and he wants me to name drop and I’m like uhhhh uhhh uhhhh bc I’m not sitting around thinking about which of my friends I’d like to have sex with. Girls or boys. Ugh. Such a confusing weird time in my life!

FoenixRising, all the more reason to write it down now in timeline form. Because when the time comes, that timeline can answer many of his questions, and believe me, he has a ton of questions. He is afraid to hear the answers right now. He is not ready for it yet. So write it all down for him and when he is ready, you can give it to him. Explain to him that you wanted to writer it out for him if he ever wanted it. I am not a WS so I can not tell you now to stop the pining. I have no idea how that feels. It would seem easy to stop pining for someone that helped in ruining two marriages, his own and yours. But that is me. I pray you find the strength. What I can tell you, and I pray you are not doing this, is do not pine for the AP openly. Don't allow your husband to see that.

I am going to take the affair off the table for a minute. You have acknowledged how wrong this was. What I think you and your husband need to address is the total disconnect you have about sex. His turn on is watching two women. You are not a lesbian. Those two don’t mix. You both need a therapist who specializes in sexual disfunction. If his constant talk is about that, if his porn interest is that you need to address it. People who have a particular interest are hard to change. I really don’t know if any of us have any good suggestions other than therapy for you both.

I hope you have apologized to your AP wife. She is innocent in all this.

Your husband withheld sex from you. You cheated and now you have his attention. From a distance this looks like it is time for both of you to get IC and then sex therapy.