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I’m not a date guy. Honestly. I was never one to be a stickler about my birthday or anything like that and my wife and I rarely celebrated our anniversary on the actual day cause kids and other stuff. No problem with that.

But here we are smack in the middle of A season and I can’t function like a human being. Sunday was the anniversary of the first time they had sex, 3 years ago. To her credit, my wife came to me on Saturday and noted the day coming up, apologized, and asked me how I wanted to handle it. She wanted to be there for me if that’s what I wanted or leave me alone if that was my preference. TBH, I was appreciative that she thought about it and communicated with me to let me know she wanted to support me in whatever way I needed.

I asked to be left alone and trashed the day away with my 2 boys and one of my sons-in-law. We saw the new Avengers movie, shot pool, and played Madden on the PS4. Basically, all day distractions. I also canceled our dance class this week (we’re taking ballroom dance classes now).

2 weeks ago I was fine. One month ago. Three months ago. More than fine. Pretty happy actually. But this week? It’s been beautiful weather here in NY yet I’ve basically been a shut-in. I can’t bring myself to go outside, do anything productive, or be positive. I just can’t. I haven’t shaved this week and showering daily has been a big step for me. I asked my wife to give me space and she’s respecting my wishes, but I know she’s worried about me. I don’t blame her. She’s tried to engage me in conversation and has asked me if there’s anything I want to know or ask her or even just yell at her, if there’s anything she can do for me. I kinda grunt something in response and tell her I’m fine, which we both know is a lie.

I dwell on it. Details. I wonder about what they did together. I mean I know, but not in some ways. Like the first time they did different acts or tried different positions. I don’t know that, don’t know that I want to know actually. But I can’t help thinking about it. It’s not the unanswered questions, it’s the dwelling. It’s where my focus is. Why? Just cause it’s the date?

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. God this post is so depressing. I know this’ll pass. I know it’s not a reflection on her or our R. I guess I’m just surprised that the date and the time period really hit me like it has and as strongly as it has.

Maybe I just needed to let these thoughts and feelings out. Who knows? Anyone else feel like this during A season after 3 years or so? How have you coped? Or, if you haven’t, how did it affect you?

I'm not sure why either.

I think maybe there is a protective sphere of thought, that kicks in around that time. I imagine it to be same part of the brain that activates after dday - and early walls we build to shield us from more emotional damage.

Or the same weird alarm that goes off in when we start to recover and feel better, and the voice essentially warns us to stay frosty -- because this person is the one who hurt us at one point.

I zipped by dday last year no problem and was certain I was beyond the date thing, but then my whole mood changed during the actual affair season in August. I was fine in July and by the middle of August, boom, it was as if someone flipped a switch. I hit a huge spiral down after that.

I'm not sweating dday at all this year, but I am going to hopefully be more prepared for a rough August of auto-triggers this time.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 4:21 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

It's natural to have triggers. One effect of an A on the BH is the creation of a period of time of alternate reality, where you look back on that period of your life through the lens of what you now know to be the reality of your life at that time. Your WW brought a third party into your marriage, without your knowledge until later. Your chronological memory of your marriage to your wife goes off the rails. It is completely normal to wonder what the actual reality was.

I really want this not to be the case for me. I almost didn’t click this because I don’t want to give any attention to dates. My husbands affair was over a year long, so I can’t really think about dates. I’d never get out of bed.

I’m so early in this journey that I won’t give advice. Just a reminder that this, you know, will pass. It’s a few gut wrenching days you shouldn’t have to endure. I imagine it feels horrible. But you know what? You will feel better in a few days. You just will. And perhaps next year, it won’t be quite so bad.

Focus on the positives. On what you’ve been able to make good again. Acknowledge the dates and the feelings, but don’t give them power. We do have choices about how we feel (per my IC). You might be giving this too much power. But (literally) what do I know? I just know I’m always happy to be invited to look at something differently.

Hey Walloped,

I got no idea if this will work for you or not but I have had some success with dealing with the particular date being a trigger issue in dealing with other traumas.

As a quick aside, I feel a need to state that it's suddenly become very hard to keep my language back inbounds here after having spent so much time cutting loose in other unsavory corners of this board. So if I stumble somewhere in spitting this out I may have to come back for a re-edit later.

Anyway...so for me when it comes with dealing with trauma I have to realize that I'm dealing with something that I've lost (or more likely been taken from me) and that's a helpless feeling that I combat best when I am taking a proactive approach. So my thinking (and I know the logical flaws exist here but bear with me a minute) goes like this "I'll take the option of charging the hill and maybe stepping on a landmine every now again over flinching in the corner of the trenches waiting for the bomb blow me to hell instead. At least I'll know where that landmine is the next time I piece myself back together and charge the hill again."

Step 1 is usually just getting out the trenches and your already there. By that I mean and I think that's kind of where you are already with those distractions you mentioned. You're attempting to take back that lost territory (time frame in this instance). Yet your still either hitting landmines or failing to get to the top of the hill.

So Step 2 is figuring out a different angle to approach the hill (try a brand new sport/game paintball whatever with as distractions). It may have to be a more direct one (spending a vacation away with your WW and pushing through it)...it may have to use the same approach but you need to charge harder. You've got the ball rolling I think I would just keep changing it up and try again.

Disclaimer: I've got no idea if I'm doing what I'm doing correctly or not either. However, I'll tell you that been pretty screwed up my whole life and since I've started taking this approach well things have been better. Sometimes good. Still bad at times. But overall it's been going better for me so...yep there it is.

Good luck.

Do you remember the date you and your wife first had sex?

I don’t remember for my husband. I don’t even remember what month we got together.

Today May 10, is the day they had sex for the first time.

I don’t have any comments other than I know this date.

I am using strugglebus’s Word. That was 2016. This is 2018. We are not in that place. It’s so helpful. She also has me hooked on a gratitude journal. Love this!!

So sorry.

I do know that drinking does not help.

I decided that I was leaving one day.

I told my wife. She told me she was going with me.

so I did not go.

at the time, I was upset, but later is when I thought it was nice, that if I was leaving, she was going with me. I was really moving out. it helped to not think I was always second choice, just second or third choice during her A or affairs.

do something that you like to do.

hope you have a better week.

I read some articles that helped me at an online site regarding recovering from infidelity. I can't say the name because I got in trouble for it in the past.

exercise helps me some. so does shooting guns.

(at targets)

but I do not know what you like to do.

my friend did some stupid stuff, that he now regrets, so stay away from that. He called an escort and it helped him thru the day, so do not do that. big mistake.

My son put his ex wife's picture on a target and shot arrows at the target. His aim was better that day. He caught her sitting on a co-worker's lap at "an office party" that his ex and her co-worker were the only ones at the party. it was really a date. He is in his early 30s now, still does not trust women.

I helped him fill out the D papers.

I was surprised when she came to the courthouse with her sister and her mom. she kept telling him how stupid he was to file for D over sitting on someone else's lap.

Good think they did not have kids. It was still a date with an OM while she was married.

you should not date someone else when you are married.

he did not come out to well. He got all of the debts that I helped him pay off. she got one of my cars, but I did save money by not using an attorney.

(it was an old car, and she had driven it out of state.)

hope you do find something to help out over the next several dates.

if you find something that works, please share.

I get it. I can’t even look at a news program or anything that shows events that happened between April- October of 2017 without wondering if my WH was with her that day. I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach, then the mind movies start. I will say, though, time is making it easier & him being very attentive to me & our R is helping. I refuse to put any time frame on my healing. Too much pressure.

Walloped, I just past three years and My dday was April. Last year, it was no big deal. I didn’t have a bunch of triggers and the day itself, was like any other day. I thought I was past the issue.

This year? KABOOM! I was a complete bitchy nut job for two weeks and I cried a lot for no apparent reason. I kept texting BlueIris and saying, “holy crap. What IS this?” Yep. Year 3. We hit May 1 and it was like a switch flipped. No idea. Craziest thing ever.

The anniversary of WW's A is coming up in a few weeks. We'll be at an all-inclusive in the Caribbean... which makes me think of Homer Simpson's thoughts on alcohol (the cause of and solution to all of life's problems). I hadn't really thought of it much until now, will have to be careful with the Havana Club.

At three years I was like you. I remembered dates, times, details of what I was doing at the time things happened. It's faded with time. If I try hard I can sometimes remember dates and events, but they don't hold much power anymore

This past April was three years for me, too. I think I was a bit more irritable than usual, but for the most part, the dates came and went and I chose not to think about that shit anymore. I don't really have an affair season, though; it's more a fling week.

I'm not a date guy, either. I once scheduled myself to work on my birthday and didn't realize it until the next morning. I forget peoples' birthdays annually, usually calling a few days later. The only birthdays I never forget those of my wife, son and mother (though for the life of me, I can never remember the date she died).

I wonder about what they did together. I mean I know, but not in some ways.

Dude, three years later and you're still wondering about some things? Do you really think you'll stop wondering next week or next year? I think that's the question you might want to ask yourself at this point, because it seems rather obvious to me that it's still bothering you.

Sounds like you've fallen back down into that rabbit hole and I'd imagine by now that you're none too happy in the depths of that hell. You know how to claw you're way, so get off your ass and just fucking do it. Take a shower. Shave. Take a walk. Eat something healthy. Drink a lot of water.

Get off your ass!!!

Get out of the city for a few days.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:03 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

I’m not sure if this will help or not, and if it doesn’t I’m sorry.

At least you have a wife that truly understands what she did to you and to you as a couple!

I wish big of you nothing but he best of luck

[This message edited by Kamstel at 7:34 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

I did think of one thing that did help for a short time.

the meds I received from the doctor.

I could not drive, but it makes me forget for a day.

however I also wanted more detail after I came out of the stupor.

hope something helps.

Dude, three years later and you're still wondering about some things?

Yeah, some things. I know way too much already. But I never asked questions like when was the first time you had oral, or anal. Very specific things. I don’t think it’ll help me, but this week that’s where my mind went. I think it just hit me hard and it also took me by surprise. I never expected to be blasted off my feet by it.

wifehad5 - Thanks. Believe it or not, that’s really helpful to hear.

Get off your ass!!!

Sir, yes sir! I decided to do so after I posted this. Funny that harrybrown mentioned shooting. I have a buddy who’s a certified range safety officer, who happens to be on disability now, so I called him and we’re going up to a private club in Jersey tomorrow. He’s bringing his guns and ammo and we’re going to shoot targets and clays. For tomorrow he’s bringing a couple of .22 and .9mm AR15’s, a Winchester repeating rifle, a Glock .9mm and .45 and a Walter ppk .9mm. All I have to do is pay for the ammo I use. Oh, and bring food and beach chairs. Should be fun. And therapeutic.

Walloped, if you have questions, you should ask. The only stupid question and all that. But make sure you want to know the answer, and also be prepared because after 3 years it's likely she doesn't remember details like that.

As to the date, might I suggest that you consider thinking of something you can do with Mrs. Walloped each year on that date to "own" the date between among the two of you. Don't let the POSOM take it from you. It could be something romantic, but if I were in your shoes instead I'd want to do something cathartic and fun, like skydiving. Something you've never done, she has never done, but have always wanted to do.

the good news is that your hurt seems to be focused on a few days now a year. That is a win.

I was pretty much pissed off 365 days. I never really focused either on the exact dates, but knew the general dates and the months.

You are well ahead of many others.

Walloped,

I hope it’s okay to respond. One, I haven’t been in your shoes and two I don’t want to break a rule if this is a rant thread that I am supposed to stay off of. I sometimes am not sure.

But, I had a couple thoughts in reading your post. I will try and tread lightly here. First, I wonder if asking for space made it worse? Detaching rather than embracing? Again, I know nothing about anything with these things but I was thinking of when you posted a while back about beginning to let your guard down and getting more vulnerable into R and how that was important. I wonder if detaching from her rather than sharing this with her or even thinking of ways to reclaim the dates reminds you even more of how things were after dday? I think there is a possibility that intentionally being closer to her might help mitigate these feelings you have. I wouldn’t say this to all bh’s but knowing she is remorseful and trying this may be a good bonding opportunity?

Secondly, the build up of this may make it even worse next year because it will increase your anxiety around it. I hope you both talk it through and possibly think of alternative ways of preparing for it that may help provide some salve if needed.

Again, I haven’t been there so I could be very off base. I️ recognize that, but I wanted to give it a shot if it could help at all. I am sorry, I hope you feel better soon.

Never hold anything in. That just festers and makes it worse.

I decided to do so after I posted this.

Then why the hell did I have to reply?

Dates hold power because we give them power. Sometimes that's a good thing, such as Christmas or Hanukah, the 4th of July, and my very own personal favorite, April Fools' Day (yep, it was that night).

Between a third antiversary and a 13th anniversary, I wonder if it's time to give one date a little less power and the other... well, maybe a card, at least this year.

Dates hold power because that's how we live our lives, by calendars and clocks. That's just the way the Universe works, brother.

Have fun shooting this weekend. Bring some poster board and a few markers. Draw an interest target.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:36 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]