SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LtCdrLost,

I would like to kindly ask you to not engage me again. Thank you

redacted

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 12:42 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

A reminder for the Betrayed Spouses posting. You are guests in a forum created to allow WS's space to work out their issues. You will post respectfully, or you will be removed.

We are changing our son's middle name

As someone else asked, how in God's name could you give your son your affair partners name?

I think this and the tattoo are the things that are going to be so hard to get over. You say you tried very hard to not name your son with the AP's name and to persuade your BH to not get the tattoo. What you didn't try to do was tell him "AP was not the friend to you that you think he was. He and I were having an affair." I am pretty sure, given that you are now changing the name and that you said the tattoo is being removed that your BH would not have done either if he had known this fact.

So you didn't try as hard as you could have to prevent this and I think this is going to be a tough hurdle for the two of you to get over. I wish you luck. You do sound remorseful now but I suspect you are minimizing a bit how remorseful you were then and I bet your BH is thinking that all this time the name and the tattoo have been one big joke on him for years.

I would echo the sentiments of Zugwang - the best thing you can do is own it - every thing. Don't minimize anything at all. Make sure when your husband questions when he got the tattoo or when your son was named what was going through your mind - tell him. I think often times we try and save face, minimize our actions because we feel like if we admit how low we were at times it will send them running to the hills. Resist that urge, I have learned that the more nakedly honest you can be about what you were thinking and feeling at the time, the more it instills trust moving forward. Looking bad and being vulnerable proves to your BH how much you want to be honest with him and how much you value your integrity moving forward.

Are wives such as you simply amoral, lacking any integrity? The marriage vows no more than lines spoken as though in a play? Or is your "morality" just purely situational? I assume you follow at least some of society's accepted mores, so I wonder how marriage vows are so easily disregarded.

Hi LtCdrLost,

I will try and answer you because I do believe you sincerely want an answer, though it might not be the answer you think.

I don't think that most of the time anyone is completely immoral or lacking all integrity. And, I don't think it's as black and white as being situational. We make different decisions at stages in our life, some good, some bad. As a woman who cheated, I did make immoral decisions. I did lack integrity. I did disregard my vows.

However, I haven't always lacked integrity, and I will not lack it again in the future. The way you pose this very black and white question, doesn't encompass what humans do:

They make bad choices sometimes, and people are hurt. But, we also grow, learn, have changes of heart, and can do their best. In this poster's case, unfortunately there was a lie that was carried through many years of marriage, but that doesn't mean that she didn't bring a lot of good and change during the course of it. The fact that she even confessed this many years later would lend some belief that she has grown and changed.

I am sorry that you have been so very hurt, I hope you will be able to grow and change and be blessed moving forward.

Maybe I missed it...was it said in either thread that the name thing was TJ's idea?

GoldenR from the OP's original post.

Then we ended up giving our son the dead friends middle name!! I'm not sure why or how that even happened.

Another reminder that comes into play here:

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

Let them each have their own space to work things out. For now they've agreed to not read each others posts. Respect that, and don't cross post.

beenthereinco

I saw that. That doesn't say who pushed for it.

OOF! My bad WH5. I know better. I wasn't trying to stir the pot or anything. But I get it. My apologies.

So to answer the burning question. I don't remember whose idea it was to give our son the name of the OM. I know it is horrid. Obviously I wasn't spending any time thinking. I truly thought that I would take this to my grave, and that there would be no way my husband would ever find out!! That's why I let it go. Was that right of me?? Not a freaking chance, am IA horrible person for doing that? Umm of course I am!! When I thought long and hard about telling my husband about this so many times. The subject of the tattoo, the middle name and the dart tournaments came to mind and I didn't tell. I just couldn't. I was too scared. I realized and I know it took much too long, but I did eventually realize that no matter what my husband needed to know!! Keep the hits coming. Tell me what a horribly shitty person I am. You think I don't already know that? I can handle it.

I have been very transparent with him. Most of you have read his post. If you want to go read it feel free. He knows everything!! I have spent years holding this in and there are a lot of blank spaces, but Everytime and I mean Everytime I remember something horrible I did that he doesn't know about, I tell him immediately. In fact I just did that today, as hard as it was, I did it!! I am working my ass off to be the wife he needed years ago. I am not the person I was then. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes and bad choices, destructive behavior... That is not me anymore! You can find it hard to believe. The only one I need to prove that to is my husband and myself. I will never give up bring honest with him and myself. I will continue to work toward restoration even though I so clearly do not deserve it!! I hate everything I did. I hate the person I was with every fiber of my being!! I hate that I hurt the man I love. I know you are all thinking I have a sorry way of showing it, but I do love him. I always will. I was just a massively Effed up person who made some deplorable choices. Choices I will never make again!!!

TillyJane:

Hikingout and Zugzwang have pretty much given you a roadmap on how to proceed to help your BH process and heal from your recent confession. Based on your responses I think you get it. The need for honesty and transparency even when it puts you in a bad light. Prior to my fWW’s A she often acted selfish and entitled. After DDay to save our M she made huge changes in her demeanor, attitude, and approach to our relationship. We have been happily reconciled for many years. When my fWW was trying to save the M and help me work through the pain, the thing I appreciated most was her honesty and willingness to be open with me. She also displayed great empathy for my pain and was willing to take the slings and arrows of my anger at times. It is the consistency in your actions, not just your words, over time which will help your BH the most. Good luck.

TJ, you’ve come to the right place to begin fixing this. It won’t be easy and it won’t be quick (2-5 years is frequently quoted), so I hope your current resolve is firm. You’ve been given a good list of (f)WW to use as sounding boards (edited to add fWS, because there is valuable feedback here from fWH too). I would focus on their feedback in the near term.

I’ll reserve any comment on your actions during and after the A because I think you get it and there is no need to pile on. Although there is one point I’d like to make; the M, as you knew it, is dead. What existed prior between you and your H is forever altered by the A and lies afterward. So, there can not be a restoration of what was. However, you may be able to rebuild a new M if you are both willing to put in some very difficult work on yourselves and then the M.

I hope you both eventually find peace with this situation.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 4:47 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost,

I would like to kindly ask you to not engage me again. Thank you.

Request granted. FTR, a "Stop Sign" will prevent betrayed husbands from contributing to your thread.

And self deprecation is never good

Depends upon how she answers. If it is stating a truth and thoughtfulness about change. Or if she is looking for sympathy and reassurance that she isn't.

Of course when it is done in a humorous way to laugh at ones self first it isn't. My AP used to do that all the time. I thought it was just having fun and being carefree. Always laughed at herself. Became obnoxious. Till my wife pointed out that it just signified how the AP lacked any self confidence and if she laughed first then her feelings weren't hurt. And of course to get the constant ego flow of "no, you aren't like that" for sympathy/validation/reassurance.

But if you are just stating a truth it is just a reality check. Cheaters are cruel selfish people. I was an asshole. I lacked any moral standards. That isn't self deprecation. That is a truth and owning who I was.

TillyJane For the record I don't think you are a horrible person. It takes a lot of courage to tell. Yes, it brought on pain. It also brought on a chance to have an authentic marriage. It was eating you alive. Although you made horrible choices, you have the right to unburden that and live a good life again. You have the right to become someone better. Your husband had the right to live informed. You shouldn't have taken this to the grave and live in torment for the rest of your life because everyone deserves the chance to change and be happy. Honestly, I think it is selfish of a BS to say that the WS should live the rest of their life in pain to avoid the reality. That isn't loving at all. Yes, you brought it on yourself. Yes, there is going to be consequences for playing with fire. But, you have the right to earn becoming someone better. Years out, my wife has moved on and she realizes that this whole mess was my downfall. It is what I did to myself. She was an innocent bystander. I ruined myself back then. My choice to do this to my character, honor, and integrity. Infidelity is not a life sentence. You have the right to get out of this Hell you have been in. It isn't selfish to want to change and become someone better. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. No decent human being would wish for another human being to live a life of torment.

You were very courageous in coming clean and even posting. I wanted you and your husband to know that y'all are being prayed for...a lot.

God bless.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:35 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

Wool94,

Thank you for the prayers. We will take all we can get!! I appreciate them more than you know.

Zugzwang

Thank you for being kind. It means a lot. I feel I don't deserve any kindness, but it is appreciated.

Hi

Kinda late... I am sure there has been a lot of great advise. Read a little here and there but not all.

I don’t know if someone pointed this out yet or not but to you this was a long time ago and for him this is all fresh. Will be for a long time to come. He will feel like the last 16 years of your M was a lie. Don’t be surprised if he thinks or questions more that your not telling.

Probably heard all this but get yourself into IC. Fixing your why’s is important and learning better boundaries and coping skills. Your H will feel a lot of emotions. It will be a real rollercoater ride for him Things I have learned on the way, the A will be the center of everything. My H wanted to leave me almost everyday the first year. This is normal for them to feel this way. Listen, listen and listen to him when he needs to talk. Answer everything with the truth!!! He will probably have a lot of questions along the way but answer all of them with the truth. Give him space when he needs it. Don’t rush him. Don’t rush for him to heal. He will need to process all this and it will take time. It’s going to be a hard and long road ahead of you and if his willing to R do the heavy lifting. This will take a lot of heavy lifting on your part.

16 years is a long time to tell your BS. I told my H the truth about my A and it was the hardest I ever did. It’s not an easy thing to do. Please contuine everything with the truth it’s the lies aftwrwards that kill the M. Please don’t lie. No matter how hard it is or you think he don’t want to hear it because it will hurt him the lie will hurt him even more when he founds out latter it was not the truth. Keep posting. This place has all the right tools for you!!!