SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH didn’t tell me about A for 6 months. Right after it happened my sister was in a bad car accident and had a brain injury that kept her from being herself for several months. That and other events lead my WH to believe he was protecting me. I understand this is a smaller version of your story in there was no death and not withheld for years but I thought I’d give you insight. The A was bad enough on its own but the hiding it is my biggest issue. By doing this even after it was over he took away my right to say no to him. I slept with him not knowing I could be at risk and I felt violated by that. Next probably the biggest and I’m sure your BS will relate. How could he pretend everyday that things were fine. What’s to stop him from doing it again because he can hide it so well. I hope this is helpful.

TillyJane:

I commend you for your honesty in confessing. Your posts reflect that you feel guilt and shame as all of this has poured out and you and your BH are working through this. But you are wrong. You do deserve kindness just as any human who falls and tries to pick herself up. You made hurtful and wrong choices early in your M to your BH. And you failed to be forthcoming with everything that happened when you should have. That was a bad decision. But we are not only defined by the bad decisions we make. From what I understand you have worked hard to be a good wife and mother for the last 15 years, and this effort also counts a great deal. The fact that you confessed and that you are here trying to learn to help your H and yourself heal and grow says volumes about you. You do not have to read long on these forums to find stories of Waywards who treat their BS horribly and then walk away to their AP without a thought or an ounce of remorse for the destruction their selfishness has left behind. That is not your journey. You are willing to do the work. I commend you because you deserve it.

Gotta agree with your reply, Fareast. Nice reply... very nice reply.

fareast

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words, and I hope that someday I can take them to heart. The guilt, shame and regret I feel is deep. My husband and I are working on our marriage. I am hopefullyy starting therapy this week. Made the call today. Hubby is it of town for work, but we just spent almost 6 hours on the phone talking. We laughed about it too. We haven't spent that much time on the phone since we were dating 24 years ago!! We had some really good conversation. I think even summer healing conversation that I know my husband will have to process. He is so emotionally and physically drained from all of this. I hate that I have done this to him!!

You do deserve kindness just as any human who falls and tries to pick herself up.

Yep

So H just text me to tell me he thinks he might lose his job. Ugh.. I told him to just tell his boss everything. He won't for some reason. Ugh I hate what my choices are doing to him. I feel like the lowest of lows. Part of me wants to contact his boss and tell him myself what is going on, but I don't think it's a good idea to interfere. If I thought it would help though I sure would.

He probably doesn't want to tell his boss, because being betrayed by your spouse is humiliating. It causes the BS to feel ashamed. Society tends to blame the bs as well. As if it's the betrayed spouse's fault that their spouse cheated.

DO NOT call his boss and tell him anything. That decision is up to your husband. You've made enough decisions regarding your husband. Many of them to his great detriment. This is his choice,not yours.

HellFire,

Everything you say makes sense. I won't call his boss. I didn't have plans to. I just wish there was something I can do. I know there isn't right now and he needs time.

TJ,

That's a tough spot to be put in. I've been at odds with my employers basically since I had my own D-day a few months ago. I'm lucky because they are kind of stuck with me because they would lose a ton of money replacing me right at this moment. I came clean to them about what was going on and they were pretty understanding for about a week... maybe two since then they've been less than stellar. I kind of regret telling them because I no longer care for the people I'm working for but I don't think it made my situation any worse. I guess it solidified my reasons for leaving even if they don't go through with replacing me.

There's no easy answer. I would encourage your husband to talk to his boss. If he thinks he's going to get fired anyway there's really nothing to lose.

Your husband can still express to his boss that he's encountered a life changing personal matter or a personal crisis, over the last few weeks, just so that his boss knows your husband's performance (assuming that's the purpose of the possible termination) is directly related to something meaningful, as opposed to nothing at all.

Many employers will take into consideration such things, provided the employee has a solid track record and it can be proven his recent performance is an anomaly. In fact, many companies have internal resources or a plan in place to aid there employees when something like this comes up. This is worse than bereavement for many people.

It's a little bit like yourself, in that it is believed your track record for the past decade or so is strong enough for your husband to remain with you. However, had it been a spotty one, you might be gone. Your sadness is understandable and I'm beginning to hear a despair that can rob you of your mental health, which could worsen should your husband lose his job.

You will have to take measures to control this, as he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to support you at this time, although being the man he is, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

[This message edited by Jorge at 10:38 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

Tilly, when I learned of my WH affair, I would no longer allow him to travel w/o me, which he did extensively.

WH told his boss he was having a family issue at home, and he would not be able to keep up his usual travel schedule.

His boss didn't question it, there was no problem as WH had been a great employee for over two decades.

Your BS doesn't have to tell his boss *the issue.* Perhaps the two of you could come up with something like we did just to let him know the situation is temporary, and hopefully he/she will understand.

He has been an example employee. He used to work for this man years ago before we were even married. Then the boss sought him out a few years later and H went back to work for him again. This is now the 3rd time H has worked for the same boss because again he sought him out to work for him. He has an excellent track record with his boss. His boss could even be considered a friend to him. It's just that his boss just understand and I'm sure it's hard on him to see my husband the way he is right now because it's not something he's ever seen before from him. H did tell his boss that there was something going on at home, but didn't go into specifics. I am sure his boss has his speculations as to what is going on. I am sure for my husband that it is extremely embarrassing for him to let anyone know what I have done. He said he doesn't want anyone thinking bad about me. I guess I can understand that, but I don't care what others think of me especially if it ends up helping my husband in the end.

I want to encourage you to stay on the path you have been for 16 years. I imagine fear was the motivator in keeping the truth from your husband.

Your situation saddens me. I can’t imagine the depth of betrayal in your childhood. I am glad you and your husband worked so diligently to overcome that evil.

Please continue to dig deep into who you are and to overcome despair.

You, your husband, and your marriage are worth so much more than an evil past. Stay diligent!

I have made more than my fair share of mistakes and bad choices, destructive behavior... That is not me anymore! You can find it hard to believe. The only one I need to prove that to is my husband and myself.

Of course this is absolutely true and by all accounts you are doing everything to make things right and help your husband heal. Kudos to you for your dedication to hard, painful work.

Yes fear was a motivator in keeping my secret. It was a cop out though. We are working hard at renewing our marriage, and I will never stop working. I have done so much change in the last 15 years. I will never be that old person again. Ever!! Thank you to the two of you for the encouragement. I have the courage to get through this, my husband has the courage. He is stronger than I ever knew. To keep this lying, ex cheater of a wife and want to work things out... I can't believe he gave me the first chance, but now a second?!?! I will not mess this up. That man isn't going to know what hit him with how much I am going to love and support him, even more that I did before. This time though there is no lies between us holding either one of us captive.

By revealing the most dreaded of secrets, I feel you have freed yourself from the agony associated with a wayward past. Unfortunately, your husband has new truths to come to grips with. The trauma will be severe. But, your honesty is to be commended. You have over 15 years of success. The revelation and a job loss will have a dramatic impact on him. Please be there for him and carry him through this crisis. While there are steps to healing, you seem to be able to do this. Please support him. He needs you now. Do what needs to be done to heal yourself and the marriage. He will need a great deal of help to process the trauma. Please be a safe spouse for the remainder of his life. Infidelity has caused him enough pain. He will need to process this pain. He will be extremely sorrowful at times. Be patient with him. Be the wife he deserves. Give it your all. I am wishing you and your husband the best. If you both make your marriage a priority, by doing the work and being there for him, you can make it.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:28 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

I know that I have had 16 years to deal with this. I know that stuff is in the past. I also know to my husband this just happened last Wednesday. I know he is hurting. I also know he gets extremely angry. I give him space he needs, but I also talk as long as he needs me to. We have talked every night when we go to bed for hours. He asks questions and I answer them with complete honesty some things I don't entirely remember, but I do my best and if I remember them later I tell him immediately. . I will support him, and he can be as angry at me as he wants. He needs to do that. I can handle it. It hurts, but right now I could care less if my feelings are hurt.

Perhaps regarding the job, your husband could take medical leave. He may be dealing with devastating and debilitating health effects. No one can be at their Peak Performance during times like these. I'm sure he is hurting physically and emotionally. The propensity for error goes up astronomically when dealing with the stress of infidelity. Physical effects are brutal.

Anger and anguish are to be expected. Perhaps in counseling or therapy he can find ways of releasing the anger that is less traumatic and will be of greater benefit to the both of you i.e. exercise. Unfortunately, the dreaded facter is simply time. I know radical honesty does help as well.

Ripped62

I like how you put that "radical honesty" because that is what I have been doing. Also I have everything to lose and nothing but time. So I will continue moving forward and being everything my husband needs from me.