SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone ever tried one...was it good?

My H and I are so stuck. It feels like we're making no progress, we're not reconnecting. I don't feel safe with him and we still seem to be stuck in the same communication patterns! I'm starting to feel that maybe we can't save the marriage.

We're both in IC and we're doing MC too.

I'm considering whether the A may just be a deal breaker for me. Anyone else ever been close to throwing in the towel and find a way of pushing through? What helped...?

[This message edited by Hopefulinbristol at 6:08 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

I am a ww, but we did the Gottman - the art and science of love at the suggestion of our MC.

My review of it is not to do that one when things are really raw but when you are ready to deal with the connection and building the marriage up. We liked the experience, but weren't ready for it yet. though I do think we got things from it. I also think it spurred a few conversations we would not have had otherwise. I actually think that the trip itself was a little more worthwhile for where we were with things at that point in time. Getting away, having time together to explore new restaurants and places, my husband still references some of his favorite things about the trip. We were about 6 months out or so when we went. We have not done Retrouville (sp?) but I have heard a lot of people here have.

2 SIers went to the same Retrouvaille a few years ago. They didn't plan it. They didn't mention SI during the weekend. It was sort funny/rewarding to read the interchange in which they discovered they had spent the weekend together.

Retrouvaille hasn't always led to R, but I don't remember reading a negative review of Retrouvaille by a BS.

We just did a Weekend to Remember. it's religious. The first evening, the speaker basically equated being a shopaholic with physical infidelity. I was up and out. Spoke to someone with the program. Went the next morning and the speaker opened by doubling down on it. We skipped all the remaining sessions and spent the weekend spending time together and had a lot of fun and I felt it was a healing experience.

I'm not sure if the points I took exception to are in the program or it was just the speaker's point of view.

We are doing the Gottman study at home. We're 2 years out and I think we're at the right time for us on that one. It's been very encouraging. Many things I learned here at SI and through other sources have paid off big time. The Gottman study is reinforcing some really good habits we have developed.

I hear great things about Retrouvaille, but haven't been able to get to one.

We have gone for a week long stay at a getaway that is a ministry where we meet with an MC a few times and just focus on us.

We also took three courses through Affair Recovery - also religious based. Religious based works for us. I found the materials to be very helpful. Two courses were focused one on the WS and one on the BS but we shared a lot of what we were working on. The third we took as a couple. A web search will take you to their site and description of these courses.

My WH & I took the kids to visit back home in Florida a few months into our R. We stayed with family a few nights then went to a regular resort (not a “couples resort”) but it was a 2 story condo with a hot tub on the private balcony & a huge bathtub in our bedroom. When the kids went to sleep in their room, we had some drinks, spent time in the hot tub, then up to our room for a bath together, then...well, ya know! 😉 We did that for the 2 nights we were there & it helped dramatically. We NEEDED that. I say give it a shot, see what happens & how you both feel afterward. If no rekindled feelings or hope, then make some decisions. Hope this helps. Best to you

FWH and I have been very involved with WWME (worldwide marriage encounter).

It was immensely helpful to us. And it was through my FWH's ACTIVE participation that I truly started to believe he was remorseful and wanted to prove to me he was trustworthy.

It is not all sunshine and rainbows but I do believe if you both open up and you and your spouse allow yourself to be vulnerable then it is a great way to push throw to some deeper connections.

Wishing you progress and peace.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:50 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

Have done Weekend to Remember as well as Retrouvaille. We did WTR once before infidelity and enjoyed it but didn’t keep up the momentum afterwards. We did another WTR about a month after DDay and it was just as enjoyable as the first time. We volunteered to help out and others commented on what a great team we were. And it’s true—we are a great team and work well together.

Did Retrouvaille about 10 months after dday. It was intense but so powerful in opening lines of communication and learning how to share feelings in a safe way. WH is not much of a sharer, but I got a 6 page letter from him that was from the heart. I’d say it made a huge difference for us. We followed though and completed their after-sessions too. That’s where some of the greatest healing occurred for us. And we occasionally go to a CORE session which is a check-in type meeting with others who have done the program.

Both are religious (WTR is Christian/Retrouvaille is Catholic) in nature, but not evangelical where they are out to save you or shove it down your throats. Both are absolutely worth the investment. If I had to classify them: WTR is for those with minor struggles, caught in the drift, etc. Retrouvaille is for those who are looking for last ditch ways to save their marriage before throwing in the towel. Of course, a spouse willing to participate and make necessary changes is going to make the biggest difference in any marriage retreat you decide to attend. Any retreat or marriage conference is worth the investment!

Thanks everyone. From what i’m hearing, it sounds like the retreats are mostly religious which wouldn’t be right for us. I’m going to have a look at the Gottman thing.

I'm following this thread as I've been wondering about a retreat as well. Anything religious based will not be our cup of tea either.

I looked at one of the workshops with Joe Beam of "Marriage Helper.com" as well as one Oklahoma with the guy who hosts "Healing Broken Trust" podcast. Have you listened to either of those podcasts? I found them both helpful but wasn't sure if their retreats would be either.

I follow Esther Perel. I know people really either love her or hate her. I personally like her. She is supposed to be hosting some retreats in 2018 but has yet to post about them yet.

I've read a lot about the Gottman Institute as well. Love to hear more feedback from those who have attended any retreats!

We don't like anything religious either but we did attend Retrouvaille. Of course, we didn't choose it for religion but to try and learn ways to connect effectively. There is not an overwhelming religious overtone but it is there and we found we just accepted it as part of the program and we needed to use our own interpretations or disregard that piece.

The program is good in that you realize M's can be saved with the right frame of reference and tools to connect. But nothing takes the place of the work each party must do to heal and transform so in that regard, nothing will help but the work itself.

Retrouvaille grew out of World Wide Marriage Encounter.

The group that formed Retrouvaille realized there were and are couples who's problems were far greater than WWME was able to handle.

That said, my wife and I attended Retrouvaille about a year after our real dday. It was intense, and we are now involved with the local community.

Mskitty, I’ve listened to the healing broken trust podcasts too, and I think they’re really helpful... up to a point. They’re everything you can learn about affairs without the insight of the pain that comes from actually experiencing one. They’re still the best resource I’ve found though, and I found the insight about the childhood of a cheater really fitted my H’s FOO. It helped me understand why he didn’t come the me when there was a problem.

I like Esther Perel too. I like how little emphasis she puts on the AP and makes it all about the WS reclaiming a lost part of themselves. That’s reassuring somehow.

I’ve been looking at the Passionate Life Seminars with Anne and Brian Bercht. I feel like they get it because they’ve been through it themselves and got to the other side. They’re expensive and we’d need to travel to the States for it so hence it’d be a really big decision, and probably not very practical!

I'm interested in this, but I am not religious (at all) and wondering whether that would be an issue. I'm not anti-religion either, it's just that scripture is merely philosophy to me and a faith-based approach is unlikely to have much power. WW is much more open to that... so there could be some value for her I suppose.

I'm "ethnically" Catholic, so I'd probably be fairly comfortable with Retrouvaille.

Me, me, me! We went to Retrouvaille. We were very concerned about the religious overtones. Especially me. I was born and raised Catholic. Went to Catholic schools for my education. I'm very knowledgeable of the religion.

We loved Retrouvaille! It was intense, we "worked" hard. It was, at times, emotional. It really opened my FWH up. He has learned how to really communicate. As JustDandee shared, my FWH really had a hard time getting in touch with and communicating his deepest feelings. Retrouvaille gave him the tools to be able to do that. It was very rewarding.

Honestly, at our retreat it was very light religion. We had a priest as one of our presenters for the weekend and he was our favorite speaker. We enjoyed him very much. We were able to easily overlook any religious reference as the tools they teach us to use are not based on or uses anything related to religious beliefs.

We said a prayer before meals which are eaten together. No problem for us. They did have a mass on Sunday, but we ducked out from that.

I really encourage you to give Retrouvaille a try. Believe me when I say I understand how you may feel about anything religious. We are so grateful to be able to have attended Retrouvaille and being able to overlook the light religious aspect of the program. (There is a thread here in the I Can Relate forum for Agnostic/Atheist Support Group.)

Thanks.

[quote]My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me ~ by Anne Bercht[/quote] Yeah, I am not reading anything by an author who wrote a book with that title and proclaims this. I certainly wouldn't go to her retreats. I believe in positivity and I am a person who tends to look at the glass as half full, but I won't ever say that my husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. Just. Fuck. That. Shit.

eta: for clarity

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:51 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

Yeah, I'm going to turn this into something that helps me. I already have to an extent. On one level I'm destroyed, but on another level I'm in the best shape of my life, traveling more, reconnecting with friends and family, picking up long forgotten hobbies and seriously dedicating time to achieving some of the dreams I had when younger. Dreams that I had more or less written off or forgotten about. I feel unbelievable most of the time and I know that my life is taking a turn for the positive... regardless of how this part turns out.

However, best thing that ever happened to me? I don't think there is anything that could happen to make this a good thing on balance, let alone the best thing:

Just. Fuck. That. Shit.

SisterMilkshake, you make a good point there! I sort of dismissed the title as marketing. Silly title aside, I’ve read that book and I got the impression that her husband’s affair was definitely the worst thing that had happened to her up until that point.

Lazarus, i’m with you. Whilst the last year has been horrific, and I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worst enemy (except maybe the AP), I’ve also reconnected with friends and family, started doing things I hadn’t done for a long time, and got myself on a path to developing a better career. I don’t know whether I would have done that stuff anyway. I think I have always prioritised my marriage and my children over my dreams. I won’t be doing that again!

We did a Marriage Restored weekend. It was a Christian-based retreat. Although it seemed great at the time and I felt like we had reconnected, I also feel that it was heavy on rug sweeping and pressuring me into forgiveness (when I wasn't ready). Of course, it didn't help the my WH was still lying.

same experience ^^.

why they preach forgiveness a month after Dday? just why?