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I don't get this either. How is this groping happening in front of other people? It seems really toxic. I tend to disagree with others in that I don't think you need to change your manner of dress. I get what they're saying, but unless I wear a turtleneck sack I have boobs. Sorry, but my boobs are not your problem. I'm not wearing a tube top at the office. I've had comments when I'm wearing a white oxford shirt buttoned to the collarbone. I just don't think it's fair.

My husband is always moody and I never know if I'm going to ask the wrong question or say the wrong thing and have him bite my head off. I work full time, manage the finances, cook, clean, and have to be the drum beater and planner for everything we do.He is at home all day and doesn't do anything round the house unless I keep asking. He doesn't have any passion or ambition for anything. I know forcing him into something won't work either.

He doesn't have any passion or ambition for anything. I know forcing him into something won't work either.

What was he like before the A?

I know that right after my wife's affair I had very little motivation to even get out of bed.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:48 AM, May 21st (Monday)]

There is no HR at work. My boss is a very successful local business woman. She has built her company from scratch. My boss is a 51year old woman who has been divorced twice. My boss has a policy of hiring only women over 40. This friendly groper colleague frequently monitors me as if she's the supervisor; often asking me why I did/didn't do certain things. I'm relatively new to the job and the woman who I am replacing was fired for confronting her (among other things). My actual supervisor doesn’t like me. She seems very uninterested and unimpressed with me. She basically ignores me in the office.

This friendly groper colleague also tries to get me to do other tasks, tasks that are usually her's to do and it's starting to get on my nerves. She is more friendly than other women my coworkers. She frequently invites me to have lunch or join her for feminist workshop . She texts me at random times to ask if she can drop by to say hello. But she rubs and strokes my breasts and rubs my ass talking about random stuff regularly. She also will kind of...hold me from behind with her hands on my breasts very tightly in a way that I can't move, even when I'm trying to get away from her.She can't resist either grabbing and squeezing my breasts or ass or rubbing up behind me...it's irritating at the best of times. How should I handle her? I have to work closely with her and it could be very uncomfortable if I confront her.

I can't report her to the police because i don't want my husband to find out about this. I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this friendly groper colleague woman. He is going to blame me. My husband can be incredibly moody. I often feel like he treats me disrespectfully, he doesn't listen to what I have to say as he always thinks his opinions/ideas/concerns are far more valid than mine. He gets really angry really quickly and talks down to me, swears at me, points his finger at me and basically just shrugs off anything I am trying to tell him that I am feeling. He takes exception if I try to tell him what is making me feel the way I do and takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack. Then he shuts off from the entire 'conversation' and gives me the silent treatment for however long it takes him to calm down. He NEVER apologises.Of late I have noticed that I feel anxious most of the time...I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him so we don't have another argument about something. There are dresses that I can never wear because, while on someone with smaller breasts it would look ok, on me it looks vulgar.

This issue of vulgarity isn’t something that I would have necessarily impressed upon myself, but rather the reaction that I get from people. I would love to wear strappy dresses with little triangle cups! I would love to wear certain shirts and blouses without something underneath for the sake of modesty (well, someone else’s idea of modesty not necessarily my own).I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. The truth is I regulate a lot of what I wear so that people won’t take it as an invitation to touch, stare, or speak to or about my breasts or ass.

Why do you keep calling her friendly? If it was a guy doing it, would you call him friendly?

You sure do describe this in extensive detail. A lot about your body. You keep going on and on about the groping. Interesting.

Time to find a new job.

What's happening to me?

I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. I feel like a failure. I feel like my life is such a mess, I just don’t know what to do anymore.I just feel hopeless. I just don’t know how to change things. I have no desire to do anything sexual with a woman.I am 100% straight. I’ve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone’s time but I had to get some of this out of my head.What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attacked…to disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? I’ve never heard anyone say they did this and I’m so ashamed that I can’t even say no or push this short skinny old coworker woman away. I have large boobs and big butt, and some men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to fuck off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it. It is all my fault. I am letting this woman colleague to walk all over me on a daily basis.

I don't understand why you might report it if it were a man, but not with a woman.

You have backed yourself into a corner where your only choice is to passively accept her assault. Lots of people here have suggested options to end this situation that have nothing to do with changing your style of dress. We get that it defines you. So here are other things that have been offered up:

1. Reporting it to HR - you say there is no HR, but someone has to be in charge of such things. Certainly there is an office manager - or the owner herself.

2. Reporting it to the police - you don't want to do this because your husband will find out and blame you.

3. Quitting and finding a new job - because it's a good job and you have no other prospects and your husband won't work? I think I read those things correctly.

Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual - no matter how you dress - silky, satin, or even silky satiny - no matter the shape or size of your breasts or butt or height, or how much makeup you wear - has anything to do with inviting assault, harassment or abuse.

There are ways out of this if you make that your focus.

What is wrong with me?

If I had to guess I'd say Histrionic Personality Disorder with a touch of Conflict Avoidance.

Have you told your husband about being groped/felt up at work? What was his reaction?

I don't want my husband to found out of that situation with this groper colleague woman. He is going to blame me.My husband cannot forgive me.

We can have a great day, or a great week, or we can be just okay and getting along and then....suddenly, out of the blue in my opinion, he's depressed, which causes or turns into anger, and he's lashing out at me, or snod remarks etc. When all I have been doing is being me, living our life, working, being mom, etc, meaning I haven't done anything wrong that day he lashes out on me, or even that week, etc. I just don't think it is fair that if he chose to stay in this relationship and if I am not doing anything wrong, I am being honest and a good wife and mom, I don't think it's fair that he can just be mean over something that happened 5 years ago that I cannot erase! I can never take it back, we can only move forward or really on be in today.

I'm not clear why your husband would blame you if you went to the police. You are being SEXUALLY ASSAULTED in your workplace.

It sounds like you rugswept your previous affair. Are you trying to do the same thing with the groping? Hiding from it is not going to solve the problem. Yes, if you talk about his with your H, he may react oddly. My sense is that you've never dealt with his feelings around the affair. This may act like the trigger that you're afraid it is.

My suggestion would be to deal with your affair and this groping business in both IC and MC.

I so desperately want to be able to help my husband heal but I am not sure how best to go about it. Am I doing the right things? I know I did wrong and people are right to judge me. He says he does still love me and wants to be with me. I do blame myself, I am the root of the cause and the problem. I am fully aware of that. It hurts and it sucks, it hurts him the most.

However, I feel that he has taken me down even further. We are on a downward spiral and it doesn't end, only subsides, then resurfaces when his emotions are re-triggered.

Have you read and taken to heart any of the feedback you have received so far in this thread? From the questions in your most recent post it seems like you have not. Posters who show that tendency tend to get lumped with the trolls pretty quickly...

If you are looking for reassurance or support for what you’re doing I think you will be sorely disappointed in the responses you get. My suggestion is that you read and re-read the advice you’re getting until it begins to sink in. Good luck.

What do you think your betrayed husband’s response is going to be when he finds out that you’ve allowed a coworker to grope you since you started working there?

Was your previous affair(s) with other women?

This incident does say a great deal about your ability to keep boundaries.

You need to do something. Tell her to stop it. She may be bi/les that leans toward the dominate side and sees you as a strong candidate to be her sub. If she doesn’t stop, go to your boss or HR.

As to your husband, what do you expect? You reap what you sow

Good luck

[This message edited by Kamstel at 8:52 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

That you aren’t even confiding this to your husband suggests that neither of you properly addressed the affair in the first place. It sounds like you just wanted to “move past” it and that could explain his continued outbursts so far out. If my wife were to hide the fact that she was being constantly molested at work from me I would consider that a huge breach of trust. The longer you withhold this situation from him (the fallout of which could very well affect your employment in some manner), the more outraged he’s bound to be.

I am very sexually attracted to men. I am a 100% straight.... I would never want to kiss a woman. I am completely the opposite to a homophobe... but I am literally 100% straight, i could never imagine myself ever doing anything with a woman. I just feel lost and don't know how to make my husband forgive me and move on. I do want to make it work. He won't stop asking me about this other guy and is very angry and confused. I have nothing else to tell. It was 5 years ago. The only reason i hesitate to tell my husband about my situation at work with this woman groper colleague is because of my affair he has lost trust in me. Deep down i would rather be with him and not have him know about that. I don't know what else to do. I feel like he can fully trust me but at the same time, having to regain his trust, however long that takes, at the end of the day I'm not entirely sure if it's worth doing. Since my affair i try to just keep quiet and not annoy him but I feel as if I have lost my husband and our previously close relationship will never be the same.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you are 100% correct! Your previously close relationship with your loving husband will no longer be the same. Ever!

It was permanently changed when you decided to introduce a 3rd person into the marriage.

It seems to me that what your husband is currently going through is completely normal. Can you honestly say that your behavior would be any different if you discovered that he betrayed you and slept with some slut????

But While your marriage is a huge issue, the primary issue right now is NOT your marriage. Your primary problem is the constant sexual assaults that are taking place at your work. Nothing is going to change until you decide to do something about it.

You can't make your husband forgive you. He has to want to forgive you. What have you done to get to the root of why you cheated.

I think you really should see a counselor. Ask you self what signals you gave off to let this woman feel comfortable with molesting you. Why are you willing to put up with this to have a workplace 'friend'? Ask youself why you didn't put this woman in her place the very first time. It's not like she is is a position of authority and could threaten your job.