Infidelity/betrayal is TRAUMATIC. Let that sink in. Yes, I’m serious.
I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.
...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).
I’ve bolded and italicized some key issues.
1 - If you consider his questions pesky, imagine how he feels having to ask questions you don’t want to answer. Imagine how he feels knowing you did what you did, and yet you don’t give him the answers he needs. TRAUMA victims will often ask the same question over and over again. With infidelity, it’s because their brain is trying to reconcile a reality they thought they knew, with a reality that is extremely painful and utterly at odds with what they believed.
It can take five or more years for someone to heal from infidelity; if your WS is not respectful and empathetic, and if s/he isn’t answering questions to which you need answers, it will take longer. That’s where you and your BH are.
Look, you didn’t NEED to have sex with another man, but you did. Why are you denying him the right to know what has happened in his marriage? If he asks, he needs to know. Answer his questions, and do so with patience and empathy. EVERY time.
2 - ...so don’t get irritated, and don’t “lose” it. You have the answers to questions he needs to ask. You don’t get to define what he does or does not need, nor are you in a position to tell him if and when he should be healed.
3 - Um, the “sex issues” aren’t what led to your affair, so stop saying that. Poor communication, a lack of respect for yourself and your spouse, poor boundaries, and a feeling of entitlement seem to have contributed to why you chose to have an affair.
4 - An affair is never “just” anything - it’s definitely not “just” a poor decision (well, many decisions) and, to your husband, it’s not “just” a bad spot in your marriage. An affair upends the betrayed spouse’s whole sense of reality. It makes us question our ability to protect ourselves. It causes us to question why we didn’t see this glaring fault in a spouse we no longer recognize. It is disorienting, destabilizing, and for myself, more painful than anything else I’ve ever endured.
5 - If you’re not answering your BH’s questions and if you consider them pesky and irritating, then you’re not owning enough of your dirt.
6 - Some betrayed spouses compare being cheated on with rape; I can tell you right now that it is infuriating that my husband did not give me the ability to decide whether or not to have sex with him after he’d had sex with OW - for example, I was denied the right to decide for myself whether or not I wanted to be sexually exposed to whatever STDs OW may have had, The same is true for your spouse.
I don’t quite know what to say about the rest of what you wrote, except it seems incomprehensible that you wouldn’t speak up to this coworker. I wouldn’t consider myself confrontational but if someone touched me in the way you described? They wouldn’t do it again.
You do spend a lot of time talking about how you look, and a fair bit of time describing - in a less-than-flattering way - your co-worker. Why does your appearance matter? Why does hers?
I’m curious about why you’re here. You start out talking about your appearance and your work situation, and then add the info about your affair later on, as if it’s an afterthought. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t be here at all - but I am wondering what help, specifically, you think you need/are seeking.
FWIW, in addition to Not Just Friends, I would recommend that you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. As well, consider reading more about boundaries, and perhaps find an IC (therapist) for you (not your marriage or husband, although likely he would benefit from his own IC). Finally, I recommend that you read Joseph’s Letter in the Healing Library: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp
Keep posting - there’s a lot of good people here who can help if you’re willing to keep reading.