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Wayward Side :
Why i let this woman my coworker to grope me?

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BlueIris ( member #47551) posted at 7:53 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

Infidelity/betrayal is TRAUMATIC. Let that sink in. Yes, I’m serious.

I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair.

...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).

I’ve bolded and italicized some key issues.

1 - If you consider his questions pesky, imagine how he feels having to ask questions you don’t want to answer. Imagine how he feels knowing you did what you did, and yet you don’t give him the answers he needs. TRAUMA victims will often ask the same question over and over again. With infidelity, it’s because their brain is trying to reconcile a reality they thought they knew, with a reality that is extremely painful and utterly at odds with what they believed.

It can take five or more years for someone to heal from infidelity; if your WS is not respectful and empathetic, and if s/he isn’t answering questions to which you need answers, it will take longer. That’s where you and your BH are.

Look, you didn’t NEED to have sex with another man, but you did. Why are you denying him the right to know what has happened in his marriage? If he asks, he needs to know. Answer his questions, and do so with patience and empathy. EVERY time.

2 - ...so don’t get irritated, and don’t “lose” it. You have the answers to questions he needs to ask. You don’t get to define what he does or does not need, nor are you in a position to tell him if and when he should be healed.

3 - Um, the “sex issues” aren’t what led to your affair, so stop saying that. Poor communication, a lack of respect for yourself and your spouse, poor boundaries, and a feeling of entitlement seem to have contributed to why you chose to have an affair.

4 - An affair is never “just” anything - it’s definitely not “just” a poor decision (well, many decisions) and, to your husband, it’s not “just” a bad spot in your marriage. An affair upends the betrayed spouse’s whole sense of reality. It makes us question our ability to protect ourselves. It causes us to question why we didn’t see this glaring fault in a spouse we no longer recognize. It is disorienting, destabilizing, and for myself, more painful than anything else I’ve ever endured.

5 - If you’re not answering your BH’s questions and if you consider them pesky and irritating, then you’re not owning enough of your dirt.

6 - Some betrayed spouses compare being cheated on with rape; I can tell you right now that it is infuriating that my husband did not give me the ability to decide whether or not to have sex with him after he’d had sex with OW - for example, I was denied the right to decide for myself whether or not I wanted to be sexually exposed to whatever STDs OW may have had, The same is true for your spouse.

I don’t quite know what to say about the rest of what you wrote, except it seems incomprehensible that you wouldn’t speak up to this coworker. I wouldn’t consider myself confrontational but if someone touched me in the way you described? They wouldn’t do it again.

You do spend a lot of time talking about how you look, and a fair bit of time describing - in a less-than-flattering way - your co-worker. Why does your appearance matter? Why does hers?

I’m curious about why you’re here. You start out talking about your appearance and your work situation, and then add the info about your affair later on, as if it’s an afterthought. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t be here at all - but I am wondering what help, specifically, you think you need/are seeking.

FWIW, in addition to Not Just Friends, I would recommend that you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. As well, consider reading more about boundaries, and perhaps find an IC (therapist) for you (not your marriage or husband, although likely he would benefit from his own IC). Finally, I recommend that you read Joseph’s Letter in the Healing Library: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Keep posting - there’s a lot of good people here who can help if you’re willing to keep reading.

BW | Dday 2-20-2015 + TT for several weeks

"The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

posts: 1711   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2015   ·   location: State of Disbelief
id 8168409
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sorrowfulmate ( member #43441) posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

I was going to suggest that book BlueIris. The reason suggested Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was that there are sections which go into the betrayed mindset.

I was hoping that Not Just Friends would be the gateway book for How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair.

Me-WS 52 Her-BS 51 Questioningall
5 kids DDay 12/13 (lied ONS)
Dday 3/3/14 - multiple EA, PA
TT ended in October when I had polygraph
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BS Roberts

posts: 2425   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2014   ·   location: midwest
id 8168414
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BlueIris ( member #47551) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

Sorrowful, my H read Not Just Friends first, and I believe it was instrumental in helping him to see the big picture very quickly. I only added the other because it seems like it’s a quick blueprint for how a WS helps his or her BS.

I agree with you, though - NJF is more comprehensive and gives really helpful insight about how a BS is affected. Of the two (well, out of all books about infidelity), the Glass Book is, IMHO, the best by far - if the OP only chooses one, or if she really wants to understand her BH, I hope she takes your excellent advice to heart.

BW | Dday 2-20-2015 + TT for several weeks

"The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

posts: 1711   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2015   ·   location: State of Disbelief
id 8168433
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Root ( member #58596) posted at 9:26 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

I’m so sad for you. I had a woman grope me against my will once but thankfully I could avoid her. If your story was about a bigger man you’d probably get more support. People assume that it’s just so easy to stand up to people but it’s not.

So sorry you are here and wish I had advice other than finding a new job.

[This message edited by Root at 3:27 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]

Get busy living or get busy dying.

posts: 3083   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2014
id 8168448
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Coreofsteel ( member #62501) posted at 9:57 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

You kind of buried the lead with your post, but most importantly your BH is struggling to heal. Calling his questions "pesky" sounds demeaning of his very real struggle. I would suggest reading the thread entitled "What every WS needs to know". I think you need to unpack the affair and stop blocking it.

Secondly, I'm an attractive woman with a voluptuous figure. I do like to wear clothes that flatter my body as well. I have been "groped" or have had people try to touch me. I back away, cross my arms in front of me and say "no". It's not more tricky than that in most cases. You do not have to let people assault you because of how you look.

Your title asks why you let it happen. That's a really good question.

ME: BS. Together with wayward spouse for 4 years. D-Day Jan 24, 2018. D-Day #2 Feb 5, 2018. D-day #3 from numerous other people, March 15. D-day #4 April 9, sex with more people and a hooker. NO future.

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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 11:35 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

She is humping you in the hallways. This is physical assault. I understand being non-confrontational, since I am. You rehearse the confrontation. You do it nicely if you have to. You write it down if you have to. But you need to do it. And if the hallway humper doesn’t stop, you call the cops.

Also, I think you may want to have your clothes altered. Given your figure, shirts that fit at the waist do not fit at the bust. Sucks to have to have customize clothing, but a fair number of people have to alter their clothes.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2500   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8168500
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 Marla (original poster new member #63823) posted at 12:18 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

Since this woman friendly groper coworker is so openly groping me,rubbing me, humping me in a joking/playful way in front of other women at work,they probably think that i am okay with that.This woman groper is well liked and respected at work. Being well-liked at work means there's more people on your side. Also me being spineless is due to my intense fear of conflict with this short skinny old woman friendly groper since she is the only one who is nice with me at work. I just automatically want to do everything possible to keep conflict down with her and I always sacrifice my dignity for it. I tell myself that "next time" I will say NO to her. Always "next time" but next time never comes. She always places her hand on my ass when I stand beside her. When she gives me hugs she tries to bury her head into my breasts. She will just randomly grab them. If she needs comfort she will tell me “I gotta rub your boobs”. It’s so annoying. I try not to make a fuss over it. Okay, so at first I thought it was just a little phase she was going through and could laugh about it. Now, I’m becoming so frustrated with her. If I just stand there, she would stay there for a long time just feeling them and squishing my breasts or whatever. Also she will just full on grab my butt. It is super annoying. I’m just standing there, and she’ll walk by me and take a swipe at my butt.

Should I feel ashamed of myself? I am a weak, spineless person. Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can’t verbalize a succinct “NO” to this short skinny old woman? This friendly coworker says to me that because her face is at level with my breasts and I am rather large she finds touching, squeezing, rubbing, and patting them and resting her head on them comforting. She said that she finds great comfort doing this when she’s stressed. It is all my fault. She thinks that my breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for her. Also I think she is always grabbing, slapping and rubbing my ass to show dominance over me. It is so annoying. This friendly groper colleague is very grateful to me.

I really don’t know what to do? There is nothing more I can do. Either I take it the way it is, or I just tell her to stop, which of course involves the risk that it messes up everything. And probably it will not matter what I say. She seems harmless to me because I am physically stronger than her. Also, she doesn’t look threatening. She is creepy and uglyish but she is a tiny, short, skinny, 55year old woman. How do I tell her off without causing tension?

Other women my coworkers are insufferably rude and hostile to me. They're all mean to me and leave me out. I try to keep a positive attitude at work, I work hard and I try to be nice. Sometimes I complain but I make jokes of it, just like everyone does. This is what I do at work and I'm not obnoxious about any of it. I'm starting to really dread going to work because of it but I can't afford to quit my job right now.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2018
id 8168662
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 Marla (original poster new member #63823) posted at 12:23 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

My husband a lot of the time blames me for his depression/stress, because of my affair. He seems to be a bit of a gaslighter as well, in that he sometimes tries to portray things differently to how they actually happened or tells me I did things that I didn't do. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions, but rather blames me for him behaving that way. Living with him can be very unpleasant at times, very stressful. I have become so used to it, that I think I accept his behaviours too much rather than saying 'hey that's not ok'.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2018
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strugglebus ( member #55656) posted at 4:52 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

Do you have an HR? If so go to it. It does not matter what she looks like. Take a moment to ponder why you are obsessing about her looks and your own.

You are continuing to seem like you lack empathy for your husband. If he is terrible to live with, why not divorce him and move on?

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2557   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
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toby ( member #10337) posted at 5:10 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

I read an opening post very similar to yours, in fact, almost word for word over (no soliciting), But in that case the groper was the OP husbands aunt!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:22 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:50 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

BTW, I always thought that the way to dress at work was the way the person in the job you wanted dressed. What does your boss wear?

You say you're spineless, but you dress in a way your co-workers think is provocative and in fabrics they don't wear. Perhaps that provokes dislike. That does not sound spineless to me.

I get a sense from your posts that you think you're better than your co-workers and your H, even as you beat up on yourself. Is that accurate? If not, will you explain how you view them and yourself more clearly?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:50 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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Adlham ( member #53358) posted at 7:27 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

I hate to break it to you, but this co-worker woman doesn't sound like a 'friend' to me. She sounds quite mean-spirited, especially given that you say the others aren't nice to you.

The entire environment sounds toxic, but I understand how difficult it is to find jobs in small towns.

I also have to wonder how much of your reluctance to shut this woman down has its roots in childhood tramau- you mention a lot of shaming by your mom. I understand that dynamic and how it really does a number on your brain. I used to freeze and conciously disappear from myself mentally rather than stand up for myself. It took a lot of therapy to be able to find my voice.

As far as how you dress, if it makes you happy and feel better about yourself, GOOD! That's how it should be. You aren't "asking for it" and anyone who says otherwise needs to check their way of thinking and GET HELP. You're right in that some body types tend to LOOK provocative no matter what the clothing, unless you go to the extreme of a nun's habit or circus tent. But so what? Does that give anyone else a right to judge, make assumptions about your character, or invade your personal space? Absolutely not!

It sounds like both you and your husband would greatly benefit from Individual Counseling (IC). I encourage you to seek help, even if your husband doesn't want to go, I think it would help YOU so much.

There is NO need to have that “one last conversation” with a toxic individual in your life.” The closure will come when you look deeper inside yourself. It’s not your job to fix someone when they are unwilling to fix themselves.

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 Marla (original poster new member #63823) posted at 7:50 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

I am not going to change my dressing style. I dress in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. I am considered by most people to be extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy.

Most of these women my co-workers seem to think I'm a snob. When I smile at the them , some simply stare back . Others just stare at me like I'm an alien. How am I a snob because I don't talk that much?

And so most of these women my coworkers stay away from me. It's gotten to the point where even if I TRY to talk to them, they usually blow me off and walk away. And that just makes it even worse. I think their whole purpose for coming to work is to gossip and form their little clicks or something. I am trying to avoid sounding like a snob but I've been exposed to lots of wonderful things in life. I am one of those women who is not too social but when someone approaches me I will be sweet and open. I tend to wait to see how people are before getting too close, but I am always polite and kind no matter what.But the people who get to know me always think I’m sweet and NEVER arrogant (that is the last thing I am). I keep reminding myself that I'm not paid to like or be liked; I am paid to work.

I try to be nice to everyone and I don't pick fights/argue. I do what I am told to at work and always apologize if I am wrong. I'm amazed how much ego these women my co workers have. They give me dirty looks and live me out of everything.

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 Marla (original poster new member #63823) posted at 8:53 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

I love my husband so much but feel like he is slipping further away from me everyday. He was a hard working, loving and caring husband and father. I am constantly accused of not giving him enough support and compassion. I confess I find it hard to feel compassion for someone who is always putting me down. He resents me because i had an affair.

Because he is always moody he blames me for my affair and says I'm a 'bitch'. We are financially bankrupt and have lost everything.

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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 10:54 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

When she gives me hugs she tries to bury her head into my breasts. She will just randomly grab them. If she needs comfort she will tell me “I gotta rub your boobs”. It’s so annoying. I try not to make a fuss over it. Okay, so at first I thought it was just a little phase she was going through and could laugh about it. Now, I’m becoming so frustrated with her. If I just stand there, she would stay there for a long time just feeling them and squishing my breasts or whatever. Also she will just full on grab my butt. It is super annoying. I’m just standing there, and she’ll walk by me and take a swipe at my butt.

It’s so annoying.

I try not to make a fuss over it.

It is super annoying.

You are being molested. Period. I'm not sure why you can't see this, or are not taking steps to stop it. This isn't simple office antics.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8168900
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 Marla (original poster new member #63823) posted at 12:08 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

You are totally right I let it go too far. Sometimes I really want to yell at this woman friendly coworker to get her hands off my body but I can’t get angry. I just can’t. Not in the moment–I shut down like a security camera with a miswired motion detector, and it’s only later that I realize what I should have done. By then, it’s too late to confront her, and it’s turned into a pattern and what am I supposed to do then?What am I supposed to do? She is important to me as a colleague,so I'm willing to sit/stand out the awkward groping,humping and hugging. I can't even say no or push her away.I know it's really weird and probably sounds ridiculous.I can't even tell her to stop hugging me groping me rubbing me.I can’t verbalize a succinct “NO” to this woman. I can't just punch her in the face.I am physically stronger than her,she is short and skinny,but i have never been in a fight my whole life.I am afraid of any kind of physical altercation.

Some of these women my coworkers have worked together a long time. I'm not a fan of cliques and I have no interest in being a part of one. I guess some comments have been made about me being somewhat quiet. I just don't care about what these women do outside of work to ask questions about their weekend and I can't fake it. I am not going to change my dressing style.That is part of who i am.It is my whole wardrobe.I dress like this since i graduated college and got my first office job.I feel much better when I dress up and present myself as the best I can be. I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class.

I know I am lucky to have a husband still, to have him still love me and stay with me for all that I put him through. I am very aware of this.

I never said that I want him to just forget about it. I know that is impossible. I would never say that or think that. Anytime he brings it up I talk with him, he can get angry and call me names and ask all the questions he wants, I sit through it every time and listen and respond. I don’t yell back at him. I don’t try to blame him, I have taken it all on my shoulders because it is my fault, I did it, not him.

I have begged for forgiveness, multiple times, every time he brings it up. I have opened up everything to him, emails, facebook, phone, texts – everything so that he can get on at any time and see what I am doing. I have no privacy, and I don’t expect to have any. I broke his trust and am willing to do what I need to prove myself to him. Anytime he calls, I answer if I can’t answer I shoot him a quick text on why I can’t answer and then call him back as soon as I can. I never go anywhere without letting him know, if I am away somewhere- say shopping, I always answer his calls or texts immediately.

In his words, he wants revenge/justice, but he doesn’t know what that would entail, he just wants it.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2018
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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 1:08 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

what am I supposed to do then?

You go to HR and report her for sexual harassment.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8168959
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:48 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

You said your style is "sexy but classy."

Maybe, for the office, you should dress "classy and professional." Why the need to dress sexy at the office? I understand you feel better when you're dressed sexy and classy. But,in an office setting, maybe it isn't the best way to present yourself.

Was the OM a coworker? Did you go NC with him?

What have you done,work wise, on yourself,to become a safe partner for your husband? I understand you're transparent, and,if he brings it up you will answer his questions. Are you proactive? What work have you done?

Is what the previous poster said accurate?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:51 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

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Mrs Panda ( member #27303) posted at 2:13 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

This is one of the strangest posts I have ever seen.

You have no boundaries, as others have said.

You are seemingly obsessed with appearances (yours, the ugly groper). Honestly, would it matter if the groper looked like Angelina Jolie?

Begging for forgiveness is probably not the best strategy for R. You have a long way to go. Nagging him about the laundry when you have just betrayed him probably isn’t a great strategy either.

Maria, you are all over the map here. You seem to think you know it all and you are who you are but how is that working for you? You can go on and on defending your fashion style but you can’t get along with coworkers. And the one who “likes” you is abusing you. This is all about power for the abuser. I feel sorry for you because it sucks to be harassed like this and I get it. I was 5’10 and stalked by a 5’1 older Foreign graduate student. Doesn’t matter what someone looks like. It’s their behavior.

ETA. I see your A was years ago. But you are new here and hopefully have a lot to gain. Would like to hear more about what you have done to help you BS to heal maybe another thread

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 8:19 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

Me-48 FWW Him 51BH
M 20 years,. Fully Reconciled ❤️.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

posts: 2080   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2010   ·   location: NY state
id 8168979
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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 2:58 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

Marla:

As others and nutmegkitty said:

You go to HR and report her for sexual harassment.

I really think you should do this immediately. Your situation is very serious and it needs to stop. It simply is not something you have to put up with no matter what.

I'm also flabbergasted that this seems to be happening right in front of your other co-workers. Did I read that correctly? What a toxic environment if others are witnessing this, condoning it, and allowing it to persist. If internal HR is equally unresponsive, you still have other options to pursue. It is not hopeless.

In the interim, I hope you will pursue counseling. I recommend it to everyone, but I really think it would be helpful for you to develop a strong internal voice (one not based on what others think or how they look) and how to maintain boundaries.

This is the Wayward forum and you have posted about your affair. I won't address that portion since I am a BS. I rarely post here, but felt I should jump in and comment on the assault and harassment piece. I hope you will also consider sharing the details of your work situation with your husband.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

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id 8168990
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