SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so confused! My children don't understand my being protective of them especially my daughter. She seems annoyed by me and favors her mother now for her leniency in her supervision of them. I don't want my daughter to follow her mom's pattern of behaviour. She is now 18 and is in her rebellious stage. Would it affect her to rebel all the more if I disclose her mother's affair partner who she thinks is her "uncle" (my wife's cousin). The affair has been going on for seven years and I found out about it only last October. My wife admitted the her affair to me. It hurts to know that we were all betrayed this whole time. My kids are 20, 18, 16 and 14. The other 3 are boys. My eldest son is the only one who knows about it. By the way, my kids are closer to me than to their mother. How would it affect them? Should I tell my children about my wife's affair partner?Please help!

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 8:38 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

They are old enough to know the truth!!!

Kids are stronger, smarter, and more resilient than we adults give them credit for.

To not tell them would be a disservice, and would be a lie of omission ! This has had a tremendous impact on their lives, they shouldn’t know about it. The devastating cause to their life should not be held in secret!

Shouldn't know? If and when, should a close relative disclose the affair instead? I feel that it is not a good idea for me to tell them directly. Any thoughts?

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 8:44 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Shouldn't know?

My oldest is 13 and figured it out on her own. It has not been a positve thing. You need to tell them. How and with whom? I would consult a therapist.

I don't understand though are you still with this woman?

You will need to be clear and explain if this is the woman who committed incest for 7 years?

Has she stopped?

Who else knows?

Tell your kids. They need to know this for sure. It's just a matter of how and when.

Your kids will want to know why you are divorcing their mom...or your kids will want to know why their mom has so much disrespect for their father....either way You might want to get the upper hand on this and set the record straight before your old lady makes you out to be a wife beating POS who hates children.

I am pretty sure your old lady has been setting you up to look like the bad guy since you found out about the affair....she is just waiting for you to piss her off so she can burn you!

You played this all wrong by sitting on her affair this long....sorry bro....you have been played and your old lady is a million steps a head of you right now.

Make a plan and work the plan....maybe you can get a few steps a head of your old lady by playing your card right from here on out.

Do you have any proof to show that their mother has been cheating on you this long and is a complete liar.....and you are not the father that their mother has portrayed you to be?

My 1st question to the kids would be "what has your mother told you about me?"

You have no idea what you are up against so walk softly until you have the info you need so you can disprove the misinformation your old lady has been feeding your kids for this long?

Again your old lady is way ahead of you with regards to when you wake up and stop taking her shyt. Make no mistake she is well prepared.

She has already done the damage control and if you don't work a solid plan she is ready to toast you!

She has been planning this day long before you even thought of it.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:15 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

Shame but we still share in the same bed without body contact while she is still with her affair partner. She says that the affair is already over though. Tell it to the marines. She is the one who wants a divorce. I don't want to initiate it. Our marriage has broken down even before her affair took place and so she claims. She comes up with all unfair reasons to justify it. I am worried about my kids.

[This message edited by Juanpaolo625 at 10:54 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry to hear this. Look I know this is going to sound counter-intuitive but if you want to save the M go and file for D and show her you are strong enough to survive without her. That's the best shot you have. Read the Healing Library about the 180 and start tomorrow. Talk to a lawyer tomorrow.

DO NOT TAKE HER BS. Tell her to sleep elsewhere NOW or you pick a couch or some separate bed today and tell her you will not live in infidelity.

. Our marriage has broken down even before her affair as she claims.

Tell her you won't be eating any of that shit she's selling. The M had problems. Then she Destroyed it with her actions. Not yours.

YOU STILL WANT THE M,

There is only one chance you have to show her she is making a mistake.

TThe M you had is dead and gone. It's okay to mourn that loss but you need to take action NOW because the bullets are flying. 180 and work on you and start the D train rolling. You can stop later if you have to. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER TO FILE. If you want any shot at rebuilding a new M another one with your WW you need to accept that and behave accordingly.

YOU DECIDE YOU WANT OUT OF THE M?

TThe M you had is dead and gone. It's okay to mourn that loss but you need to take action NOW because the bullets are flying. 180 and work on you and start the D train rolling. You can stop later if you have to. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER TO FILE. This is the way out of the pain we all know very well. It's not easy but the method works.

I know you are concerned about your children. I would sit down and tell them without your WW if she's going to try and say the M was already over. Tell them you're ending it b/c of their mother's affair. They are old enough to understand why this happening. It's not fair but you didn't do this. It was your WW actions okay?

I'm sorry but you need to pick yourself up. Kick off the dust and start moving. That's the only way out of this hell hole.

We will be with you and here for support along the way.

So tell me. What are you going to do tomorrow?

And if wasn't clear I'm saying YOU should tell your kids tomorrow. Not anyone else. You've had this knowledge for long enough tell them how much pain you are in but that you have to move forward. That's the father they need to see, my friend. That's how you help them with there pain by being strong in your own resolve.

That is why you need to tell the kids,

You need to tell them the truth on why your marriage is ending, why their lives are being changed so dramatically. You cannot let their mother or anybody else tell them that it was for any other reason than her having an affair.

You should really sit down with your W and kids and let her explain what's going on. Call her on her shit if you have to. She should be expressing why she felt it was okay to have an affair with her cousin.

No excuse she can come up with will be good enough.

Not telling isn't about protecting kids. Its about drinking your wife's kool aid and deciding to hide her secrets. Not telling is endorsing her lies, cheating, etc by helping with the cover up.

Shame but we still share in the same bed without body contact while she is still with her affair partner.

Sounds like you have some serious work to do on you first.... You have to move forward. This farce of an M is doing damage to your kids right now.

As far as telling them, I would suspect your 18 yo already knows.

I would urge you to see an attorney and get the ball rolling, be the strong one, demand the respect you deserve, and stop listening to her abusive manipulative bullshit. She wants out, fine let her out.

It will do more good for you kids to see their dad stand up and demand the respect, love and honor he deserves, and to separate himself from someone who blatantly repeatedly threw away what was supposed to be a sacred bond.

If you are unsure on how to approach and share with the kids, I would recommend you find a family counselor and meet with them on your own for some coaching, and then even meet with them as a family (WITHOUT your stbxw).

Get her out of your bed, and your daily life. This is only tearing you down further. You are allowing her to continue to abuse you. Don't do that. You are better than this.

Have you exposed your wife's affair to the family, especially the cousin's family?

Why do you want to stay with her even though she led a double life for 7 years and now wants to divorce you?

Talk to your children( young adults) and explain the situation. Let them know what their mother did and what she intends to do-divorce.

Any fallout is nothing to do with you, let her fix it.

And 7 years is a long time for someone to have an affair. She is most likely divorcing you to be with him.

Have you been to see a lawyer? If not, you need to do this urgently especially that she wants to divorce you.

I have learnt only of her affair last October. I tried to keep it just between me and my wife. On the 5th month after my discovery, she still hasn't shown remorse and is still continually communicating with the other guy. I have exposed her affair to her parents. They were so furious and cannot believe her behaviour. They reprimanded her from seeing the guy but to no avail. I have settled for a temporary separation (not yet legal) instead of a divorce she is asking for, hoping things will change. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore being with her. I am more focused to my children now more than ever to cover-up for their mother's absence during weekends. My wife leaves the house on Wednesdays and returns on Sundays for over a month now. She says she is staying with her sister and also at times with her girlfriend. I don't have access to both of them. Seems that my wife uses them for her escapades.

Seems like the advice given here has been unanimous !

Stop hiding it! Tell the world ! If the pos has a gif or wife, have you told her yet?

Are you telling the kids today?

I'm so sorry this happened to you but at this point, you need to give her the Divorce papers she wants. Tell her she's no longer allowed in your home and you need to tell your children why. Expose it to everyone and anyone not just her parents. You didn't do this to her. She did it to herself.

I've been wrong before but it looks to me like the writing is all over the wall on this one. You need to walk away and stop letting her hurt you. Expose. File for D. Tell the kids. Pick one for today and go through with it.

Tell the kids; tell the kids; tell the kids. They're old enough to know what's going on. Don't hide the truth from them. It will only come back to bite you in the end. They're part of the family and they need to know what's going on in their family. Take care of yourself.

Tell the kids.

Hiding the affair only tells the cheater its ok. Exposing the affair to everyone. Will show the cheater the true consiquenses of their actions.

She is gone. She is with him when she leaves the house for so many days.

File and tell the kids.